


Philia OR How Joseph put his brothers' feelings first AKA Sweet Home Montana

by Mutalist



Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Incest, M/M, No deputy, One-Sided Attraction, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sibling Incest, Unrequited Love, it just gets worse: the fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-12-26
Packaged: 2019-12-30 21:32:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 120,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18322394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mutalist/pseuds/Mutalist
Summary: John loves Joseph in a very sinful way.Jacob loves Joseph in a very sinful way.Joseph has no idea about any of this.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> listen guys it's been a whole year since this masterpiece of a game came out and afaik there are no fics with the secondary seeds lusting for daddy joseph  
> I am here to rectify this injustice  
> There's gonna be some yiff action going on later, i just have a lot of commissions due rn and i should have done those instead of write this

It took a month or two, but John finally tracked down Jacob. 

No, that made it sound a lot worse than it actually was. It wasn’t that Jacob had gone missing. It was just that he contacted his brothers even less often than usual, which was saying quite a lot. After mass, instead of hanging around the edges like usual, Jacob would leave right after the sermon. While the flock didn’t notice, John could tell that Joseph did. The Father was always adept at hiding his disappointment, but with each passing week, John could see the sting on his face worsen every time Jacob left without a word. 

Of course it affected John too. His brothers were the most valuable thing in the world. A lot of times, he’d catch himself thinking that his brothers were the only thing God did right. He’d feel guilty about those thoughts if it weren’t for the other thing. 

Yes.

The other thing.

In the rare moments he wanted to be specific, he’d mentally refer to it as his  _ feelings. _ But that implied ownership. Even when it came to wording— which, as a lawyer, John knew held much more power than most people thought— he wanted to distance himself from those thoughts as much as possible. 

So when they came in the day, John ignored them or rebranded them. The radiating heat in his chest at the sight of Joseph, the spark when Joseph looked at him and their eyes met, the way his head clouded when Joseph regarded him, it was all just brotherly love. The rest, like how John couldn’t look away from the sweat trickling down Joseph’s brow, how he couldn’t help but run his gaze over his brother’s lean body, how Joseph’s near constant lack of a shirt just wasn’t enough, well, even acknowledging those temptations was more attention than they deserved.

At night though, it was much harder. John was weak. When his brother’s voice broadcasted over the radio in his room, he didn’t know how to say no. Even if he hadn’t spent his whole life saying  _ yes  _ to everything, he was sure he would still fall every time. 

But all that was besides the point. 

Jacob was clearly suffering, which made Joseph suffer too, and John just couldn’t endure that. 

So every week, after mass, John would spend the day driving and hiking through the Whitetail Mountains looking for his brother. He finally found Jacob just as the sun was setting. He was trekking down to the banks of the Henbane when he heard the notes of that stupid song. No, not stupid. It was clearly important to his brother. But John had to admit, after hearing it for the thousandth time, he was a bit sick of  _ Only You.  _

He rushed to the source of the melody, only nearly tripping once or twice, until he found Jacob, sitting on the bank, carving a piece of wood. He stopped humming and looked up at John. 

“You’re a long way from the Valley,” he said, voice as soft and monotone as ever. 

“Yes,” John said, “Do you mind if I join you?”

“I feel like I don’t have much of a choice.” 

“You have a choice to say yes. But no, you don’t have a choice in the outcome.” 

Jacob’s lips twitched in what could have been a smile. He tossed whatever he was carving into the river. John sat in the driest and cleanest patch of rocks next to Jacob. 

“You were looking for me,” Jacob said. 

“And what gave you that idea?” 

“My radio hasn’t stopped working. It would have been easier.” 

“I wanted to come find you in person. We haven’t spent much time together for a while and Joseph’s been talking about the value of family, so,” John shrugged, “I think we should set an example.” 

“Joseph, huh.” 

Jacob’s voice dipped into something unreadable, breaking its monotony. 

“He’s worried about you. We both are.” 

“Did he tell you that?” 

“No, but he doesn’t need to. I can tell he’s burdened. And I,” John carefully settled a hand on his brother’s shoulder, “can tell that you’re burdened as well.” 

Jacob tossed his knife up and caught it, “Don’t worry about me.” 

“You’re my brother, Jacob. You’re important to me. Whatever it is, you can tell me. You do know that, right?” 

“No,” Jacob stabbed his knife between the rocks and stood up, “I can’t.” 

“Jacob—” 

“Joseph says that there’s no sin too depraved to be forgiven. But I don’t believe that’s true.” 

John tried to keep his expression neutral as he rose, “That’s not up for us to decide.” 

“It’s not. But I already know what Joseph would say.” 

“The Father is merciful, Jacob. Just confess and it’ll be okay. Eden isn’t out of reach.” 

Jacob glanced back at him, only to turn back to the river. He didn’t say anything. John came closer, keeping his pace steady and his steps audible. It’d been years since Jacob lashed out at anyone, but John still tried to stay aware of his brother’s condition. He stopped by his side, looking at his face.

“I love him, John.” 

John put on his most disarming smile. “Yes, I love him too. We all do.”

“No, John. I mean,” Jacob snarled abruptly. John fought against every instinct to back off. “I mean I  _ love  _ him.” 

Realization hit John like an arrow.

He blinked.

He opened his mouth only to shut it again. 

“I told you, it’s vile. And now you think—” 

“I love him too,” John said quickly. 

A growl edged into Jacob’s voice, “Not like that, John.” 

“Yes,” John grabbed onto Jacob’s wrist, “like that.” 

Jacob stared at him. His expression never wavered. 

He grunted and took a step back. John released him to pinch his own brow. 

“Shit,” John hissed. 

Jacob swiped his knife up from the ground, “Don’t let Joseph hear that language.” 

“I think there’s more important matters at hand than my language. What are we going to do?” 

Jacob frowned, “Do? We’re going to do nothing. Joseph won’t hear about any of this.” 

“He’ll find out eventually.” 

“Not unless one of us tells him.” 

John bit his lip and glanced around. Nothing. Just trees and the Henbane. “He deserves to know.” 

“John, think. Imagine if you were in his position. What if I told you I was attracted to you?” 

“Well, are you?”

A pause. 

“ _ Jacob.”  _

“No.” 

John breathed out a sigh of relief. 

“But you do look like him.” 

He had no idea how to respond to that. John closed his eyes and sighed. Slowly, he sat down. 

“See?” he heard Jacob’s approaching footsteps, “That was just from me. Imagine if he heard that from both of us.” 

“Yes,” John said.

“Come on, get up.” 

John opened his eyes. Jacob’s hand was near his face. He considered asking if there was a risk of Jacob kissing him, but that wouldn’t help the situation. 

“Are you going to act normal?” John asked instead. 

“What is normal?” 

“Staying after mass. Talking to us. Treating us like family.” 

“Yeah,” Jacob nodded. 

John forced a smile and took his hand. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> joseph is god tier seed  
> jacob is daddy tier  
> john is shit tier  
> faith isn't even a seed ok she's not in this ranking she's some random stray joseph found in the trash and brought home and everyone just rolled with it


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tfw u need to send out prints this week and you already paid sixty bucks to the print shop with ur card and their primary printer breaks '>'
> 
> to vent my rage i wrote this while waiting  
> sorry still no smut im not about to write incest porn in public while im fuming

The way that Joseph’s face lit up when Jacob greeted him after mass was as if he’d walked through the gates of Eden himself. Jacob didn’t show the same degree of elation, to the surprise of no one. But he was still obviously happy to talk to the Father again.

John hovered around them, pretending to be busy. When Joseph gestured him over, he gladly joined.

Talking like that, just so casually with his brothers— Well, John was tempted to say that not even Eden could bring him so much joy.

So he hatched a plan. Nothing nefarious. He just wanted to spend more time with his brothers. A little gesture to show that yes, everything was back to normal.

Jacob’s reaction over the radio was pretty subdued. Granted, it was Jacob. Everything was subdued. All he said was:

_“Don’t expect things that won’t happen.”_

And John laughed and replied that all he was expecting was homemade popcorn, a very inoffensive movie that even Joseph wouldn’t have a problem with, and the presence of his two favorite people.

Joseph was a little more openly hesitant. It’d taken some persuading that God would be okay with the Father taking some time off, that not all non-Project media was evil, and that even if the previous statements weren’t true, it’d be okay since he was spending time with his brothers and thus honoring his family.

“I see,” Joseph had said, “Alright. And will Faith be joining us?”

John had already taken her into consideration and made sure that an exceptionally large shipment of bliss was set to leave for both his and Jacob’s regions.

“Unfortunately, she won’t be able to come.”

“Oh. I see.”

Joseph sounded a little disappointed.

“But I don’t think she’d enjoy herself very much anyways,” John quickly added, “With the three of us, I worry she’d feel left out.”

Joseph slowly nodded.

John clapped his brother on the shoulder and smiled.

 

 

Jacob arrived to John’s ranch first. He just showed up on the doorstep with his .50 cal. John learned a long time ago though that it was best not to ask how Jacob got around.

“Are you alright?” John asked as his older brother passed him. He shut the door as softly as possible.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Jacob’s tone had an edge to it.

“I’m not saying you’re weak,” John said, “I’m just making sure everything is okay.”

“Everything is okay.”

John gestured to the rifle, “You can set that down. I assure you, I have my own firearms.”

Jacob grunted in response. But he did set the rifle against the wall. John considered that a victory. He watched his brother scan his surroundings before taking a seat.

“The movie?” Jacob glanced back at John.

“It’s about penguins. A documentary. No mating shown.”

“Penguins.”

“Yes. And yes, I went out of my way to not select one with wolves.”

Jacob’s brow furrowed. Ever so slightly, he frowned.

“Next time,” Jacob said, turning back to the blank television, “get the one with wolves.”

 

 

By the time John had cooked up more than ample amounts of popcorn, Joseph arrived.

Even if he wasn’t expecting Joseph, he could always tell that it was the Father by his polite and evenly spaced knocks. Jacob was standing by the door when John got to it.

“Greet him together,” Jacob muttered.

“Didn’t you say something about not expecting things that won’t happen?” John hissed back.

Jacob ignored him and opened the door.

At the sight of his brothers, Joseph’s lips spread wide and his eyes seemed to sparkle. John bit his lip in penance for the fact that he was disappointed Joseph was still in his preacher’s clothes. He wondered if Jacob was thinking the same thing.

“Come in, come in!” John ushered Joseph in, “Make yourself comfortable.”

“Thank you, John. And thank you, Jacob. I admit, I’ve found myself distracted recently because of this. I have been looking forward to today.”

If hearts could burst with love, John was certain his would have.

And judging by the quaver in Jacob’s lip, he was feeling the same.

 

 

John really _honestly_ had no ulterior motives. He just wanted to have a friendly hang out with his brothers without the threat of the Collapse hanging over their heads.

It was just that clearly Joseph hadn’t gotten that memo.

No, that wasn’t right. That was putting blame on Joseph. It wasn’t Joseph’s fault that John had picked a really boring documentary and it wasn’t Joseph’s fault that he was too kind to say anything about that. Nor was it his fault that his head slowly drooped onto Jacob’s shoulder and his eyes intermittently closed and stayed closed for increasingly longer periods of time. It wasn’t his fault that he looked really cute with his glasses askew and his eyes shut and his expression at peace.

And it definitely wasn’t his fault that Jacob was clearly suffering.

John wasn’t sure if he should ignore how Jacob was deathly still. Every few minutes, Jacob’s arm would make an odd motion, as if he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to put his arm around his brother.

Which, if you asked John, definitely was not allowed.

It wasn’t Jacob’s or Joseph’s fault that John was jealous, but he was a weak man and he had his limits.

As the credits thankfully finally rolled, Joseph stirred. He pushed himself up, fixing his glasses.

“Apologies, Jacob,” he said, his thick accent creeping into his tired drawl. But by the time he finished rubbing his eyes, his brother was gone. Jacob stood as soon as he could and walked out to John’s balcony. Joseph stammered after him. He looked to John, clearly for an answer.

John cursed his oldest brother internally as he put on his most soothing smile. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he’s okay,” he rose, “Stay here.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong?”

“No, no, no. You know Jacob. He gets nervous at night.”

Joseph nodded, even though he seemed doubtful. The urge to sit by him and soothe him struck John, but he shoved it down.

The cold brisk air felt like a slap as John opened the balcony door. Jacob stood at the railing, knuckles white on the wood. He looked back at his youngest brother.

“Shut it.”

John did.

“Fuck,” Jacob leaned down, cradling his head in his hands. John approached, gently setting a hand on Jacob’s back.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s just a trial,” Jacob said, “Just another damned trial.”

“You did well. You did fine. Joseph doesn’t suspect anything.”

Jacob groaned, “Did you see him?”

“It was hard to miss.”

Another groan.

“I think you should stay here, tonight,” John said, “I don’t think you should be alone.”

“I’m not weak, John.”

“I know, Jacob. I’m not implying that. I’m saying that I’m weak and it’d make me feel better.”

Jacob looked aside at him. He sighed.

“I wanted to tell him, John.”

“I’m,” John paused to look out into the valley, “relieved that you didn’t.”

“Joseph can’t know,” Jacob said into his hands, obviously more to himself than to John, “Joseph can’t ever know. Fuck.”

“I can’t ever know what?”

John and Jacob froze.

“I’m not a fool. You avoided me for months, Jacob. And now this? Something is plaguing you. Is it me? Did I do something?”

John glanced between his brothers. Jacob couldn’t even meet his or Joseph’s eyes.

“Now, Joseph—” John started.

“A lie of omission is still a lie,” Joseph continued as if John hadn’t even spoke, “And you would lie to me? To the Father? To your own brother?” He came closer, “It can be forgiven, if you just confess.”

“I…” Jacob’s gaze fell to the darkness below.

“Jacob.” John tried to keep his voice steady.

“He’s confessed to you, John, hasn’t he? Tell me. Please.”

John opened his mouth to say something, but he couldn’t find the words. He was split between lying or the truth. Both seemed equally cruel.

His internal struggle seemed to wash away as Joseph settled his hands on him, threading his fingers through John’s beard to force his younger brother to look at him. John tried to think of a loophole, of something to say that would make everything okay, but nothing logical was in reach. Joseph’s warm hands and intense stare extinguished any desire to disobey.

“Just say yes, John.”

“I love you.”

It came out easily. He hadn’t even meant to say it.

Joseph smiled and laughed softly. “I love you too. I love all of you.”

“Joseph,” John trembled. His hands grabbed onto Joseph’s coat, fingers tangling in the dark fabric. He didn’t mean to. He didn’t know what he was doing. “I love you.”

“John,” the fondness in Joseph’s tone only encouraged his younger brother, “I love you too. Now what is it? Just tell me.”

“That’s what it is,” John couldn’t look into his brother’s eyes anymore. He looked down, following the line of Joseph’s buttons. “That’s what’s wrong.”

He could feel Joseph tense.

“What?”

Joseph’s hands wrapped around his wrists.

“John?”

He didn’t get a response. John didn’t know what else there was to say.

Joseph looked to his older brother, “Jacob?”

Again, nothing.

He tugged John’s hands away and stepped back.

“This isn’t,” Joseph shook his head. His accent flared the more he spoke, “This is not right, John. You’re mistaken. I—” he glanced back to Jacob, “Help me. Take him to the river, cleanse him, take his confession, penance him, _fix_ him.”

Jacob didn’t move.

“Jacob?”

The fear in his brother’s voice, the vulnerability, it stabbed through John’s heart.

“I can’t,” Jacob muttered.

“Why?”

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” Jacob took a heavy breath, “I can’t.”

“What? No, what? I don’t,” Joseph shook his head again, backing further away, “I do not understand. Why? Why do you both…?” he stumbled, “This is not how it is supposed to be. The Voice didn’t… It didn’t…”

“Joseph,” John reached out for his brother again, “just—”

“Stop.”

John froze.

“Do not touch me. Stay away. I need,” Joseph hesitated, “I need time. I need to ask God what to do. How to rid you of this sin. I need time.”

He left with neither John nor Jacob making an effort to stop him. John stared at where he’d stood. Jacob’s eyes were on the moon.

“You _had_ to tell him,” Jacob said.

John drew in a shuddering breath, “A lie of omission is still a lie.”

Jacob sighed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck march of the penguins that movie was boring af
> 
> sorry for any errors if u see any holla my way and ill fix it when im not triggered af over printers


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i knew that binging the bible 5 times in highschool would be useful one day  
> i just didn't know it'd be for far cry incest fanfiction  
> suck my galatians sister bernadette 
> 
> okay u guys remember the citrus scale from the early fanfic days? yeah THAT citrus scale  
> this is like a lime on that scale ok  
> now im going to sudoku myself out of shame of rating a fanfic a lime in 2019

Jacob half-expected John to show up again. He was back at his usual spot along the Henbane. It was the only place he felt like he could actually think as himself, not as a Herald or some paragon. The Whitetail Militia didn’t bother wandering this far from the Wolf’s Den and his own soldiers didn’t have a reason to patrol there. 

It was nice.

Peaceful.

But he didn’t feel at peace. Not after what happened. Especially not after how John reacted— becoming borderline catatonic and only speaking in either a single word or quotes from Joseph— and how Joseph disappeared. No new sermons appeared on the radio. No messages to his brothers. No response when Jacob asked, no,  _ begged _ him to talk to John, to tell him it’d be okay. 

Joseph wasn’t at the church. He didn’t even show up for mass. Faith had to bliss the flock and make up some nonsense. Jacob wasn’t sure what she ended up saying. He left before the Bliss. 

Jacob tossed a stone into the water. The light splash was anti-climatic. Unsatisfactory. Weak. 

“You’re thinking about me, aren’t you?” 

He didn’t bother looking. 

“Are you actually here? Or did the Bliss finally get to me?” 

Faith crouched by him. “I’m here.” 

He could hear the smile in her voice. She was trying to soothe him, to declaw him. But it had the opposite effect. Yes, she was his “sister”. No, he didn’t trust her. This incarnation of Faith was much more deceptive than the others. 

“You know,” she said, voice sweet as honey, “I know that it isn’t my place to question things.” 

Jacob grunted.

“And I’m okay with that. With accepting fate. But,” she started moving rocks, clearing a small circle, “This time, I’m not okay. This time, I’m worried.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Where is the Father, Jacob?” 

“His compound.”

It wasn’t a guess. His own soldiers reported Joseph returning home and not leaving. And he knew his brother wouldn’t do anything drastic. He was probably just praying. Maybe furiously scrawling another gospel. One with instructions on how not to accidentally seduce your brothers.

Faith hummed in response. She finally reached the silt underneath.

“What happened?” she asked.

“We let him down.” 

“We,” she drew a circle with her finger, “You and John. Not me?”

“No. You’re safe.”

Faith breathed out softly. So softly that anyone else would have missed it. She looked up and into the river. 

“You’ve been here a lot, Jacob.”

“John tell you?” he asked, even though he knew the answer already. John distrusted this Faith more Jacob did. 

She laughed quietly, “I know things, Jacob. And I know you’ve been coming here. Sitting here for hours.” She looked to him. “What have you done?” 

“I did nothing.” 

“What have you,” slowly, she brought her hand up to trail her muddy fingers along his temple, “thought?” 

“I was thinking you should talk to Joseph. Even if he doesn’t want to guide me or John into Eden, the Project needs him.” 

Faith smiled sadly, “I can’t help but notice that I’m not involved in that sentence.” 

“You fall under Project.” 

“Do I?” 

“Talk to him, Faith.” 

She looked back down to her circle and picked something out of it, holding it out as she carefully stood. 

“No.” 

“Faith.” 

“I said no,” she cast a smile in his direction, even though her eyes didn’t meet his. “The Father isn’t the Father right now. Right now, he’s just,” she hesitated, “Joseph Seed. And I don’t know Joseph Seed. I know the Father. You two know Joseph.” 

Jacob didn’t reply. 

Faith giggled, knowing she was right.

“Here,” she set whatever was in her fingers on Jacob’s lap. It was a worm. “Do it soon. I need him, and he needs you.” 

Jacob watched the worm struggle. It slowly creeped off the edge of his leg, falling between two rocks.

He looked up.

Faith was gone. The circle was still there. 

  
  
  


“I’m going to see him,” Jacob said into his radio with one hand, turning the wheel with the other.

The response came surprisingly quick.  _ “No. Don’t.”  _

John sounded tired. No, more than tired. He sounded drunk. Joseph would be very disappointed, well, if he still had the capacity. 

“This is another trial.” 

_ “You said that last time. And look what happened. He hates us.”  _

“He doesn’t hate us.” 

_ “Fuck.”  _

A weird sound came from John’s end. 

“John.” 

_ “How many times do I have to write lust until I’m forgiven?”  _

Jacob couldn’t bite back his sigh. “John, turn the machine off.” 

Through the static, he heard a sob. 

_ “I need to be forgiven. I need to say I’m sorry. I can’t—”  _

“I’m going to see him,” Jacob said and turned the radio off. He tossed it aside as the gates of the compound opened. The faces of the flock he passed were grim. Of course they’d taken notice too. It would be hard not to miss the Father’s absence. 

Jacob pulled over and killed the engine. The moment he stepped out, a few of Joseph’s men stopped to watch.

“The Father,” Jacob said simply. 

They pointed toward the church. Apparently Joseph had found his way back to his sanctuary. Jacob nodded and continued down the path. 

When he got to the door, it was locked. 

“Father?” he called out. Then again, a bit louder, “Joseph!” 

Nothing.

Jacob stepped back. He scanned the doors. Before anything else in his head could tell him he was making a very dumb choice, he charged toward one. 

As he heard the wood snap and felt the door fling open, he made a mental note to remind Joseph to reinforce the church. He crashed to the ground in the next instant. The chattering of Joseph’s people carried into the church, but Jacob ignored them as he pushed himself up. He looked around. At first glance, it was empty. At second, he caught a glimpse of Joseph sitting behind the podium. 

“Joseph?” 

Jacob took a step toward him, but hesitated. Instead he went back and pulled the door shut. Well, as best as he could. It wasn’t exactly in the right state to properly shut anymore. After making sure they had some semblance of privacy, he walked down the aisle.

“Joseph, you can’t hide like this. You’re stronger than—” 

The sight knocked every word out of Jacob. 

Joseph’s thighs were exposed, a patchwork of gash upon gash scritch-scratching over his left inner leg. It was impossible to evaluate the full damage. The smeared half-tacky blood blurred the full extent. Joseph’s glasses were neatly folded and set on the podium. At the base was a knife, blood smeared and faded in some places, as if it’d been clumsily wiped. Beside it was a copy of Joseph’s teachings, turned to some page, stained with layers of red and dried brown. 

Jacob snapped out of his shock. He’d only wasted a few seconds scanning the situation, but that was several seconds too long. Dropping to his knees, he pressed one hand to Joseph’s neck and the other to his mutilated thigh. His heartbeat wasn’t weak. It wasn’t strong, but it wasn’t dire. The sensation against his other palm, the rushing discharge of blood,  _ was  _ dire. 

Joseph’s eyes slowly opened. He blinked, confused. 

“Jacob…?” 

With his now free hand, Jacob dragged Joseph’s over to his thigh. “Apply pressure.” 

“I’ll be,” Joseph’s eyes shut again, “I’ll be okay. I just need, I just need to repent.” 

Jacob ignored his brother’s slurred mumblings and with his full might, roared, “The Father is hurt!”

The broken door swung open as Joseph’s people rushed in. They must have been listening, but Jacob wasn’t about to complain. A woman, looking much less bliss-addled than the others, hurried to the Seeds’ side, a medkit in her hand. She kneeled, ready to go to work, but Jacob shoved her aside to grab the supplies himself.

It was still muscle memory after so many years. He hadn’t been a medic, but he’d patched up his fair share of soldiers in the war. And when it came to his brother, Jacob trusted himself much more than a stray. 

Joseph stirred as Jacob wiped the wound. His eyes opened again. His hand twitched and he dragged his fingers to Jacob’s wrist. Jacob looked up. His brother looked like he was on the verge of tears.

“I didn’t…” Joseph’s voice was fragile. He took a shaking breath. “I didn’t know the name of the sin.” 

His eyes closed again. He fell to the side, only for the woman to catch him.

Jacob’s mouth was suddenly dry. He swallowed and tried to still his trembling hands.

  
  
  


Joseph was beautiful as he slept. Jacob felt a bit guilty for allowing his thoughts to tread that path, and guiltier for allowing himself to even look at his brother in such a state. 

But he had saved Joseph’s life, so he had some leeway, right?

Jacob stood up, paced around, and sat back down. He’d repeated the cycle several times. So many that he’d lost count. There were Whitetails to hunt. Soldiers to break and reform. Weak to cull. But Joseph was above them all. Without Joseph, there wasn’t really a point.

He sighed.

Sometimes he missed how simple life was in the Middle East.

“Your heart looks heavy.” 

Jacob looked up. Joseph smiled back. He’d pushed himself up to sit against the headboard.

“Joseph—”

His voice shook. He hated how vulnerable he sounded.

“This wasn’t my intention,” Joseph said, “I just wanted penance.” 

“You’ve done nothing wrong.”

Joseph shook his head, “Two men of God have gone astray for me. Two of the holiest most righteous men I know have fallen into temptation because of me. I’ve clearly done something wrong.”

“Our weakness isn’t your fault.”

“I asked God for an answer,” Joseph’s gaze fell to the blanket across his lap, “And I received none. He wanted me to reflect, so I reflected. And I saw how I’d wronged you both. I saw how my actions had led you down this path.”

“You’re wrong.”

“No, Jacob. A sin is still a sin even if  even if it’s without intention. I have sinned against you and John, I just,” he dragged his fingers over the cloth covering his injured thigh, “I carved Lust at first, but it didn’t fit the sin. Then Debaser. Defiler. Harlot. Whore. No matter what I wrote, it wasn’t the sin I’ve committed.” He looked back to Jacob, “I didn’t know its name.” 

“Joseph—” 

The door swung open, and John ran in, nearly tripping over his own feet as he openly sobbed. 

“Joseph!” 

John pretty much threw himself down at Joseph’s bedside, clasping his hand tight between his own. He made more noises that might’ve been words, but his sobbing obscured them too much for Jacob to understand.

Apparently Joseph understood easily as he said, “I am here. Don’t fear anymore. Don’t pain yourself over me.” 

With his other hand, he wiped the tears from John’s face. 

“What,” John took in a shuddering breath, “What happened?”

“An accident,” Joseph said, “You know how I forget myself sometimes.” 

“Was it because of us?” 

“No, it was my fault.” 

“Joseph,” Jacob said, and he was about to argue more when Joseph glanced at him. Jacob was well-trained. He knew what that look meant. The Father knew best. 

“Come here,” Joseph said, drawing his hand away from John to hold it out to Jacob. John’s gaze followed his fingers, clearly longing for the contact again. Maybe it was things like that, the little gestures from him and John, that Joseph looked back on and saw as signs. Jacob pushed the thought away and moved to take Joseph’s hand, kneeling by his side. His skin was rough, worn by years of hardship. But the blood flowing underneath was warm. 

“God,” Joseph said, “still has not answered me. I have found myself at this crossroads and I have made a choice.” He paused. “I have decided that I don’t want to enter Eden unless you two are at my side.” 

Jacob tensed. John made a noise as if he’d been stabbed.

“So even if this is wrong, and a sin, I,” Joseph swallowed, “I can’t be alone again.” 

“We won’t leave you!” John grabbed at the blanket, clawing his fingers into it, “We’ll follow you to the end, through the Collapse, and into Eden. No matter what. Nothing will stop us.” 

“I believe that. I never doubted either of you for a moment. But I can’t ask you to suffer.” 

“God calls us to endure,” Jacob said, “It is through suffering that we are strong.” 

Joseph pulled his hand free from Jacob’s, sliding his fingers over his jawline, smoothing down the sides of his beard. “Haven’t you suffered enough?”

“No. Not for your sake.”

Joseph laughed bitterly. “I don’t understand. Isn’t this what you wanted?” 

“No!” John rose, knuckles white in the fabric, “You weren’t supposed to ever know! You’re the Father, you’re not supposed to just, just give into our sin!”

“This sin,” Joseph laid his hand over John’s, “is through no fault of your own. What I’ve sown, I will reap.” 

“Joseph…”

“I’ve tried to keep the whole law, but I have failed, and now I must be held accountable for what I’ve done.” 

Joseph threaded his hands through John’s hair, guiding him closer. Their foreheads touched, their noses only a hair’s breadth away. 

“I love you, John.” 

“I love you too, Joseph. I  _ love you.  _ I love you so much. I love you, I love you, I love you,” John leaned in closer to Joseph, eyes creeping shut.

“John,” Jacob tried to keep his voice firm. Steady. Strong.

John stopped. He settled back to sit on the bedside, tearing his eyes away from his brother to stare guiltily at the floor. 

“Jacob,” Joseph turned to him, smiling kindly. “It’s okay.” 

“It’s not. Don’t do this. You don’t want this.”

“It’s okay.” 

“The heart is deceitful above all things. You taught us that. You didn’t do this to us. This is just another—”

“Jacob.” 

Joseph covered his hand. 

Jacob shook his head, but he couldn’t bring himself to move, “We won’t leave you. Have faith in your Heralds. You don’t need to do this just so we’ll stay with you.”

“Jacob, it’s okay,” he cupped his brother’s face with one hand, “I love you. And love covers over a multitude of sins.” 

“This isn’t what Peter meant.” 

“I am the Father. I know the Word by heart and the Voice has left me to decide. This is what I have chosen.” 

Jacob sighed. He grabbed Joseph’s hand resting on his cheek and brought his fingers to his lips. 

“I love you, Jacob.” 

“Joseph,” John called, leaning in again, tangling his fingers in Joseph’s shirt. Jacob watched as his youngest brother pressed a kiss to Joseph’s lips, but he didn’t miss how Joseph tensed, how his eyes squeezed shut as if he were pained. He didn’t miss when John tried to lick into Joseph’s mouth, how Joseph bit his lips together before letting him in. And he didn’t miss how while John pawed at Joseph’s chest, how he moaned into his older brother’s mouth, that Joseph was frozen, hands pale as he clenched the sheets, that he was silent except for a single shuddering breath. 

Joseph pulled away. John followed for a moment, but he gave up when Joseph turned to Jacob. Disgust flickered in his expression, but he hid it quickly with a smile. 

“Come here, Jacob.” 

Jacob didn’t even hesitate, and that fact made him feel like the lowest scum. He did care about Joseph. He did care that Joseph was doing this just for them and not at all for himself. He cared that Joseph was repulsed by what he was doing. He cared that Joseph was only suffering. 

It was just that in the face of finally getting what he’d thought was impossible even in Eden, he couldn’t say no anymore. 

Unlike John, Jacob tried to stay in control. He tried to keep it chaste. Tried to keep his hands off of Joseph. But Joseph’s breath was warm and his scent was like a Summer day and his lips, while not soft, were everything Jacob had dreamed of and more. 

Then Joseph gasped against his lips.

Jacob pulled back in surprise. At first he thought he’d accidentally hurt Joseph somehow. Maybe they’d pushed him too far and this was the Father’s breaking point. But he quickly realized it wasn’t a sound of pain. John had creeped further onto the bed, taking advantage of Joseph’s distraction to press kisses to and nibble against his brother’s neck. 

“Don’t leave marks, John,” Jacob said. He earned a glare in return. Arguing more didn’t sound appealing though, not when Joseph was breathing heavily and looking at him with half-lidded eyes. Slowly, he kissed his brother again. This time, he allowed himself the luxury of touching him, one hand under his jaw, the other rubbing reassuring circles into his shoulder. Joseph made another noise, something high and uncertain. Hesitantly, he pressed into Jacob more, tongue teasing his older brother’s lips. 

It struck Jacob that he was trying to copy what John had done. A part of him felt sick. Really sick. But another part, probably the same twisted part that confused familial love for romantic and sexual, said it was a victory. Joseph wasn’t just allowing this to happen, he was actively participating. 

Jacob pulled back before he could delude himself anymore. 

For some bizarre reason, Joseph looked  _ concerned.  _ Jacob realized that the timing probably made him think that he’d done something wrong, that he’d offended Jacob somehow. Even John noticed, since he finally parted from Joseph, albeit with obvious reluctance. 

Easing Joseph’s head into a tilt, Jacob pressed their foreheads together. He looked into his brother’s eyes. It wasn’t that he forgot that they were such a brilliant blue, or how they caught the light and changed it into a million different shades. It was just that the full extent of how  _ pure  _ they were was always obscured by those glasses. The gesture seemed to soothe Joseph. The worried expression shifted into a slight smile. Jacob wanted to smile back, but something fundamentally broken inside him didn’t allow that. Instead he guided his brother a little lower, leaned up a little higher, and kissed Joseph’s brow. 

“You need rest,” Jacob whispered into his brother’s skin, “Heal up. Regain your strength.” 

“I’m fine. Do not worry for me. I will be blessed with a quick recovery.” 

“And it’ll be even quicker,” John said, “If you combine that blessing with some proper rest.” 

Joseph looked to his younger brother. He held his hand out to him and John eagerly took it. His other hand grabbed onto Jacob’s. 

“I love you both. My faithful Heralds. My precious brothers.” 

“I love you too, Joseph,” John said, his voice absolutely dripping with adoration, “I love you, so  _ so much. _ ” 

Jacob brought his brother’s hand up and kissed his knuckles. Joseph pulled his fingers free to caress his older brother’s face.

“Don’t hide from me any longer,” Joseph said.

Biting back the answer that, this time, they weren’t the ones hiding, Jacob nodded. 

“Tell the flock that I am okay and that soon, I will return to them.” 

“Yes, Father,” John squeezed Joseph’s hand, “I will spread the good news.” 

Jacob looked away as John leaned in to kiss Joseph one last time. He closed his eyes, trying to rid his memory of how the sound of his title made Joseph’s hand tremble against his cheek. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and then rook bursts in through the window with the shovel launcher on one shoulder and cheeseburger and sharky on the other while the clutch nixon leitmotif blasts   
> credits roll  
> everyone applauds  
> goty


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna put my serious hat on here for a second. I just want to say that I really appreciate everyone who reads this. Even if you don't kudos or comment, just seeing the hit counter go up makes me happy. I'm not in an environment that's the best, so seeing people pay my shitty work attention brings me a lot of joy. So thanks for reading.
> 
> yo srs hat off anyways i wrote this chapter during my three hour commute over the course of several mornings and nights and negative sleep and lots of paint fumes so it might be a bit disjointed or shittier than the others but next chap will have some dang ol sausage fencing i promise   
> when i finish this fic if enough people say this chapter is shitty ill come back and rub some juju oil on it but for now im fuckin done with it yo

As soon as the last parishioner left, John turned his attention back to his brother, seated in a front pew. The Father was looking at something. A hymnal, maybe. Or his hands as he prayed. Or maybe it was just nothing. 

John slid into the pew behind Joseph. He didn’t sit, instead, he leaned forward, settling his hands on Joseph’s shoulders as he pressed his cheek to the top of his head. His brother stiffened suddenly, but relaxed just as quickly. He must have surprised him. John pressed his nose against Joseph’s hair, breathing in the smell of dirt and sweat. The reek made his heart feel like it was on the edge of bursting. “I didn’t interrupt your prayer, did I?” 

“No,” Joseph said.

“Another sermon on family. Are you trying to tell us something?” 

“Only that we should value what we have.” 

“Like us, right?” 

“Yes.” 

“Just us?”

Joseph didn’t answer. John moved his hands to cross over his brother’s chest, pulling him into an awkwardly angled hug. 

“Just us and no one else,” he whispered into his brother’s scalp before kissing it. 

“John.” 

His brother’s tone was firm. Scolding. 

John smiled, “Yes, not in the church. I know.” 

He squeezed Joseph briefly. It didn’t soothe the love gnawing through his chest, shrieking to be heard and seen. “Anything demanding your attention right now?”

“Besides you?” 

“If I could, I would always demand it. Always have you look at me.” 

“I need to attend to the flock,” Joseph continued. John didn’t miss how his older brother completely ignored his confession. A heavy burning weight clung into his throat. It was a familiar feeling. Jealousy. Envy. The endless pain of coveting Joseph’s undivided attention. “I have new sermons to broadcast, but after such an absence, they deserve to see me. I must reward their continued faith even in my,” he paused, “struggle.” 

“And tomorrow?”  
“John.”

“Okay, okay. The day after?” 

Joseph breathed out. It was too slight to call a sigh. “When I have finished my duties, I will come see you.” 

The heavy weight within John only grew. He knew it was his duty as a Herald to be second to the Project. But he still shut his eyes and prayed a momentary prayer that one day, he’d be first in Joseph’s eyes and never  _ ever  _ again second. 

“Okay,” John said, bitterness leaking in. 

“John,” Joseph glanced back at him, his tone strict again. 

“Okay,” John repeated, careful to force every ounce of saccharine sweetness into it. He forced a smile and nodded, “I’ll see you then.” 

Joseph’s eyes shut as he turned back to the altar. He sighed.

John felt sick. He failed again. Let his emotions get the better of him. He took a steadying breath and said, “I love you, Joseph.”

Silence.

Several moments passed. They felt like minutes. No, more like hours. 

“Jos—” 

“I love you too, John.” 

Even though Joseph wasn’t looking at him, John still contorted his mouth into the smile his brother would want. 

  
  
  


Within the next few days, John lost track of how many confessions he’d taken and of how many baptisms he’d bestowed. Not enough, clearly. Once he finished repenting or culling a group, he’d bark orders at his men over the radio until they harvested more heretics. Living with the silence from Joseph was easier when he was John the Baptist and not John Seed. The Baptist had purpose. Cleansing souls. Sharing the Power of Yes. Separating the worthy from the chaff. John Seed was a sinful debauched lawyer whose only purpose was nipping at his brother’s heels for any scrap of attention he could get. 

When he was John the Baptist, he felt good. He felt holy and righteous. He felt whole. 

In the hours when there were no sinners, John Seed creeped back. He’d sit in his bunker, in an empty room, and stare at the radio. Sometimes he’d flick it on, tune it to Joseph’s signal. Sometimes he’d listen to his brother’s voice for a few minutes. But then it’d get too painful and he’d turn it off again. 

And then he’d squeeze his eyes shut. He’d pray that when he opened them again, he’d wake up back to that stupid night when he gathered his brothers together. He’d wake up and he’d stop Jacob from leaving. Or when Joseph asked again, he wouldn’t confess. Joseph wouldn’t know and yes, it’d be painful, and yes, it meant condemning Jacob to suffer alongside him, but that was better than this. 

John loved Joseph. He loved loved  _ loved  _ Joseph. And he thought, stupidly thought, that when he had an outlet, that when he could touch and hug and kiss Joseph all he wanted, then he’d calm down. He’d still love Joseph of course. But maybe his constant hunger for Joseph’s praise and affection would be satiated. 

What actually happened was that once he had a taste, he wanted it all. He wanted it nonstop. John the Baptist was whole. But John Seed was empty, and for once, he felt like he was being filled. 

When he was actually with Joseph, he had no regrets. He thanked God for how things turned out, how he’d been blessed with the right to hold his brother in the way he loved him. Every kiss, no, every little touch, was a miracle. 

And when he was alone, the memory of being filled only made being empty so much worse. 

John opened his eyes.

He was still in the bunker. 

With a frustrated snarl, he swiped at his radio. He tuned it to his own signal.

“Souls,” he hissed, “do not harvest themselves.” 

Before anyone could reply, he flicked the radio off and set it back on the nearest surface.

He heard the door open. 

“Finally! How hard is it to find a sinner!?” 

“Not hard at all when we can just look within ourselves.” 

John nearly fell out of his chair. He all but jumped to his feet in his haste to give his brother his undivided attention.

“Father, I—”

“Our crusade is a holy one, yes, but,” Joseph shut the door behind him, “we must ensure that our intentions are just as righteous.”

“Yes, Father. It’s just the resistance. I’ve taken Fall’s End and yet they persist and—”

Whatever excuses were about to follow evaporated when Joseph slid his hands under John’s jawline. 

“The blind cannot lead the blind. We cannot lead others when we are lost.” 

“Yes, Father.” 

“Why are you lost, John?”

John couldn’t meet Joseph’s eyes anymore. His gaze fell aside.

“Are you not content?”

“We can never be content with the state of this world.”

“No, John,” Joseph’s thumb gently brushed through John’s beard, “Are you not content with what I have given you?”

“No, no, no,” John shook his head desperately, “I am content. As long as I’m by your side, I’m content.” 

“You were not.” 

“I,” John swallowed, “As long as you look at me, I’ll be content.”

“John.” 

“Sometimes I wish I never told you.” 

It came out of its own accord and was rewarded with silence. John counted fifteen seconds before he managed to muster up the courage to see Joseph’s expression. 

His brother’s eyes were wide behind his glasses. He looked shocked. Behind the surprise was something even more dreadful. Hurt. John dug his nails into his palms. He’d said something so carelessly again and now he’d made everything worse. Again.

“I thought,” Joseph said, accent trickling in, “that this was what you wanted?”

“It is!” 

“But then… But you regret it.”

John covered his brother’s hands with his own, “Joseph, I love you so much. Everything you have done for me is perfect. When you look at me, there’s nothing else that I want. But when you’re not, when you’re away, it’s like I’ve lost something vital. Like a part of me has just been ripped away. It hurts, Joseph. I don’t know what to do.”

“How long have you been like this?” 

The words sounded accusatory, but the tone did not. 

“I don’t know. But since I’ve told you the truth, it’s become worse.” Every breath burned. It took every ounce of John’s willpower to not shake uncontrollably. He wished Jacob was there. Jacob grounded him. Jacob would show him what was right and wrong. 

“Worse? I’ve made you worse?” Joseph looked aside. He tried to pull his hands from John’s face, but his younger brother held them in place. “But haven’t I done the right thing? I wanted to save you, and yet I’ve only made you suffer more?”

“No! Joseph, you haven’t done anything wrong! It’s my sin! I must be the one to repent!”

Joseph’s gaze returned to him, “This sin is shared between you and Jacob and I am the source. I am the cause. Even if you and Jacob are cleansed, the sin will just regrow because of me.” 

John dropped Joseph’s hands. “I don’t understand. It makes no sense.”

“I am the Father.”

It was enough of an answer for John. He nodded. 

“If you have want, then you must ask. I must reap what I have sown.” 

“Then look at me,” John stepped closer to his brother. Close enough that if one of his men came in and saw their positions, questions would certainly be raised. He didn’t care. Faith never had enough Angels, after all. He set a hand on Joseph’s shoulder, sliding it along his sleeve. “Look at me more.”

Joseph didn’t flinch like he usually did when John kissed him. He didn’t exactly kiss back, but that was okay. They were in a spot where anyone looking for John could walk in and see them. 

“You’re not thinking about anyone else, right?”

“No, John.”

John smiled and took the chance to kiss his brother one last time. As he stepped back to a safe distance, Joseph grabbed his wrist.

“I’ll come to your ranch tomorrow.”

John’s breath hitched. “Joseph, what are you saying?”

Joseph frowned, “I am saying I will be there. I promised to visit you. For now though, you need sleep. You’ve been working yourself and your men into exhaustion.”

“I’m sorry, Joseph.”

“Tell your men to come home. They’ve earned their rest.”

“Yes, Joseph.” 

“Sleep soon.”

John nodded. Joseph smiled at him, warm and reassuring, before leaving without another word. 

  
  
  


_ Only You  _ was just starting to play when Jacob’s radio buzzed. 

_ “Jacob, are you busy?” _

He closed his eyes, the only sign of his irritation, and held it close to his mouth.

“Yes, John.”

_ “Stop torturing Whitetails for a moment. We need to talk.” _

“No.”

_ “It’s about Joseph.” _

Jacob sighed. He put the music box away. As he left the room, he pointed to the image projected on the wall. A wolf sinking its fangs into a fleeing elk.

“Reflect,” he said, “Who are you? Who will you be?”

The two Whitetails and three civilians were too busy shaking in their restraints. Too fearful to listen to wisdom. They wouldn’t survive anyways. Jacob shook his head in disgust as he closed the door behind him. 

His soldiers watched him, eager for an order. 

“Leave.”

They obeyed. Not a hint of hesitation. He waited for an extra minute just to be safe, but there was just silence. Well, except for the whimpering from the other room. 

“What is it?” Jacob spoke into the radio.

_ “I think Joseph wants to have sex.” _

Nothing.

Silence.

Jacob realized he was actually supposed to reply.

He sighed, “No, he doesn’t.”

_ “He’s coming to see me tonight. _ ”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

_ “He said I wasn’t content.” _

Jacob sighed again, “That still doesn’t mean anything.”

_ “Listen, Jacob, you weren’t there. If you were, you would understand.” _

“John, you need to understand that Joseph doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want us touching him. He’s only allowing us this because…”

Jacob wasn’t actually sure  _ why  _ Joseph was allowing their affections. It made no sense. For a man ruled by the Bible, not immediately condemning a relationship with his siblings, his  _ brothers,  _ made no sense. 

_ “Because he blames himself. _ ”

“Yes.”

Now it was John’s turn to be silent. Jacob was certain he was stewing in his guilt. It was what Jacob spent a lot of time doing too. Sometimes he thought about ending what they’d started, but that’d be spitting in the face of what Joseph had done for them. Yes, the worst he’d done with Joseph was some heavy kissing. And as far as he knew, John was the same. If it was any other situation, one where no one involved was related, it wouldn’t matter. Jacob could see though that even that little was painful for Joseph. He was always hesitant. Most affection made him freeze. While they were around others, the air was still light. Things felt like they hadn’t changed. But when they were alone, everything was tense. Joseph would watch Jacob’s every move, always defensive as if he were about to be attacked. He tried to hide it, and he did it well enough that John probably didn’t notice. But Jacob noticed a lot of things. 

To go back to just being brothers would make every little one of Joseph’s sacrifices a waste. 

_ “I wish he never found out,”  _ John finally said.

Jacob pressed the heel of his palm into his eye. He couldn’t say the same. 

_ “I say that, and I really mean it, but I don’t want to stop either.”  _ A pause. “ _ Does that make me a bad brother?” _

“I have no right to pass judgement.”

_ “You’re the same?” _

“I don’t regret what we’ve done. Only that he’s suffered because of it.”

He heard John laugh on the other end. 

_ “I don’t understand you. First you tell me not to sleep with him. Now you’re making excuses for it.”  _

“Is that what you’re hearing?” 

_ “Yeah. Maybe.”  _

Jacob sighed. “The only thing I’m saying is that Joseph isn’t doing this because he wants to.” 

_ “So should I or not?” _

“Let Joseph choose.”

_ “Okay. I will. And if he chooses yes?” _

“It’s his choice.”

_ “No, I’m referring to you. Are you going to be okay with it?” _

“Yes.”

_ “I wouldn’t be.”  _

“I know. But I am.”

_ “Okay. I trust you. You can go back to brainwashing people now.” _

Jacob grunted in response. He clipped the radio back onto his pocket and drew out the music box in the same motion. Only to put it back. Instead, he locked the door and headed towards his soldiers. 

They wouldn’t have survived anyways.

 

Thankfully, Joseph was in the church. Tracking him down was always a mixed bag. Most of the time, he was reliably found in the church, praying or preaching. But if he wasn’t there, he was nearly impossible to find. Hope County was a big place and Joseph had a tendency to appear and disappear without any warning. He was almost as bad as Faith in that regard. At least Jacob didn’t feel bad about ordering Faith around. 

Joseph stopped clicking through his slides to look towards the door. At the sight of his older brother, he smiled. Jacob didn’t miss the way his posture shifted, shoulders slightly raised, back slightly curled. 

“I wasn’t expecting you,” Joseph said. “It’s a welcome surprise.”

“I’m relieved you’re still here.” 

“Still here? Oh. John told you.” 

“Yes. He’s reached certain conclusions and I’m not sure that they’re the conclusions you wanted to plant.” 

Joseph’s smile fell. He looked back to the screen, then down to his feet. 

“This can wait,” he said, “We should not talk about this here.”

“Not in front of God?”

“It is always in front of God. But to do it in his house is a particular kind of disrespect.” 

Jacob nodded. He waited for Joseph to pass him before following. It was an unofficial rule that everyone walked behind the Father. Jacob wasn’t sure how Joseph felt about that. Maybe he liked it. Maybe he thought it was fitting as the Voice’s chosen. Or maybe he hated it. It was always hard to tell with him. 

It didn’t take as long as Jacob thought it would to actually get somewhere. Joseph actually managed to suppress his insatiable urge to preach at inopportune moments. At least long enough for them to reach the room that Joseph recovered in. Maybe this was where Joseph slept. He tended to move around. Sometimes he slept in the church. Sometimes outside. Sometimes in places no one knew about. Jacob never asked, but John did, and the answer he got was that it related to the Voice. Joseph said that there were places it didn’t reach him. Jacob wasn’t sure if he was searching for it, or for silence.

Jacob shut the door behind them as Joseph stared out the window. 

“It wasn’t my intention to lead John one way or another,” Joseph said, “But I did want him to form an expectation.” 

“Why? You don’t want to do this. You didn’t want any of this.”

Joseph laid his hand on the glass, “I’ve made him worse, Jacob. I’ve driven him into a mania. This is what I have done, and I must pay for it.” 

“Just like you need to repent for us?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t get it, Joseph.” 

“You don’t?”

Jacob shook his head even though Joseph wasn’t looking at him. “No, I don’t.”

“I’ve driven you two to sin. It’s through my actions that this has happened, thus, I have sinned against you and I must accept my punishment.” 

“Joseph,” Jacob approached, “Are you listening to yourself? It doesn’t make any sense.” 

The sudden motion sent Jacob’s instincts roaring. He bit down the urge to react. It’d only ruin the chance of discussion if he hurt Joseph just because he turned around quickly. 

“Then tell me how to make it make sense! Tell me how this happened! You are my brothers, and yet you look at me in such a sinful way! If it was just you or John, then I would understand. It would just be a sin. But it is both of you. When something like this happens twice, there is a cause, a source. Tell me, Jacob!” Joseph grabbed onto Jacob’s fatigues,  “What else could be the cause but me!?”

“That doesn’t mean it’s your fault.” 

“Then whose fault is it!?”

“Ours.” 

“No,” Joseph shook his head, releasing the fabric, “I cannot accept that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I have faith in you and John.” 

“So it’s easier to blame yourself.” 

“I won’t allow myself to lose faith. And I won’t allow myself to lose you.” 

Jacob sighed, “We won’t leave you. No matter what. Even if you condemn us, we will still follow you. I promise.” 

Joseph glanced down at his forearm, “She promised me that too.”

“This isn’t the same.” 

“Is it not?”

“Joseph…” 

His brother smiled at him. “I know you don’t appreciate it when I speak about this.”

“I’m not John.” 

“Yes.” 

Jacob sighed again, “So you know what he’s expecting.”

“Yes. And I will give him whatever he asks.” 

“Are you sure? Even if you ignore that we’re brothers and all men, we’re still unmarried.” 

Joseph laughed, “Jacob, your perspective has the strangest focus. It’ll be a sin no matter what so I must confess that I’m not concerned with those details.”

“You don’t see it as a step further?”

He shook his head, “Sin does not work like that. When I first kissed John, it was already committed.” 

“It sounds like you’re making excuses.” 

“I don’t understand you either. You wanted this and yet you fight against it.” 

“Because you’re the only one who can stop this.” 

Joseph set a hand on Jacob’s cheek. “I love you. So please, just accept what I give.” 

Jacob nodded. He didn’t have another argument to raise when Joseph kissed him. What else was there to say anyways? A lot. If he was a better brother, a better person, he’d make Joseph see reason. And if Joseph didn’t, then he’d stop with the excuses about sacrifices and they’d go back to just being brothers.

“Away from the window,” Jacob muttered, pulling his brother with him. He felt Joseph tense as he sat on the bed. But his brother didn’t resist. He sat beside Jacob, leaning in again. 

“Wait,” Jacob held him back. Joseph’s tension grew, like a band about to snap. He didn’t relax even after Jacob pulled his glasses off, folding them and setting them aside on the bedside table. It hurt to see his brother like this. It hurt even more knowing he was the cause. 

“You have expectations too,” Joseph said.

“No. I want to make sure you know what you’re getting into.”

“Later. In the future. You’re expecting things too.”

“I’m not expecting anything, Joseph.” 

“But you’ll accept what I offer.” 

Jacob sighed. “Yes.” 

Joseph smiled, grabbing onto Jacob’s hand, “Then I’ll give you everything. There are no others alive that I’d rather give myself to.” 

That didn’t actually mean much. Jacob knew that. But if Joseph wanted him to give into the delusion, then he was more than willing to. He kissed his brother again. Joseph relaxed, just a little. By that point, it was hopefully familiar territory. It was a good sign, so Jacob brushed his fingers onto Joseph’s beard, sliding one hand to cradle the back of his head. The tension returned for a moment. Jacob pulled away to touch his forehead to Joseph’s. That usually relaxed him.

“Your hair,” Jacob muttered. “Can I?”

“Yes.” 

The hairband slipped out easily. Jacob carefully set it aside next to the glasses. He looked Joseph over, taking in the sight of him with his hair down. It had an odd wave to it, probably from being tied up all the time. That, along with its uneven length, made Joseph look distinctively… not Fatherly. He looked ordinary. Unremarkable. Like this, Jacob could see the Joseph he used to know, the younger brother before they were seperated. 

“I would prefer,” Joseph said, unwavering under Jacob’s gaze, “if you would not make too much of a mess of it. There are still things I wish to attend to before I see John.” 

“I’ll be careful,” Jacob said. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you like this.”

“You mean uncomposed? Yes, I suppose so.”

“I’d,” he paused, considering his words, “appreciate it if you showed me this side of you more.”

Joseph was visibly uncomfortable, but he nodded anyways. “I will remember that.”

“Thank you, Joseph.”

Jacob threaded his fingers through Joseph’s loose hair. If anyone asked him to describe it, he’d say soft, even though it wasn’t soft at all. The tips were dry, but the roots were wet with sweat. The actual strands were pretty rough. It was just because it was Joseph that it felt so nice. It was impossible to  _ not  _ kiss him. 

After a few seconds, Joseph even started participating. It wasn’t with any enthusiasm or passion, but at least he was moving. His hands kept moving from Jacob’s head to his shoulder. They never dipped lower than his upper arms. The motion was less “passionate petting” and more “nervous patting.” 

When Jacob slid a hand under Joseph’s shirt, the nervous patting turned into clawing, nails digging into Jacob’s fatigues. Joseph turned away, shoulders curling in. 

“John’s going to do this.” 

Joseph nodded stiffly.

“You can say no.” 

He shook his head. “I need to do this.” 

“No. You don’t.”

“Jacob,” Joseph’s hands moved to rest on each side of his older brother’s neck, “Allow me this.” 

“I’m not stopping you.”

“You’re stopping yourself.” Joseph pulled Jacob into a hug, “Do not worry. I have faith in you. I trust you.” 

Jacob nodded into Joseph’s shoulder. He slid his hand further against Joseph’s body. Again, if someone asked, he’d describe his younger brother’s skin as soft. Again, that wasn’t the case at all. It was worn and rough, jagged with scars, and wet with sweat. He was warmer than Jacob was expecting. 

Each time one of his uneven nails caught on a raised scar, Joseph gasped against his neck. When Jacob felt along his back, he clutched his older brother even tighter. The close contact meant that Jacob couldn’t miss Joseph’s trembling. 

Jacob pulled his hands out. He felt Joseph’s arms drop as his younger brother leaned back. Before they parted entirely, Jacob dragged him back into another tight hug. He knew he was probably squeezing too hard. He knew Joseph’s arms were trapped in an awkward position. But Joseph didn’t complain. 

“I wanted to protect you,” Jacob muttered before pressing his lips to Joseph’s neck, “That’s why I followed you.” 

Joseph exhaled, his breath heavy and shuddering.

“I love you, Joseph.” 

Slowly, the tension left his little brother’s body. 

“I love you too, Jacob.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so like i havent read absolution in its entirety, just snippets that people post online and like  
> those tvs in the church  
> that's powerpoint isn't it  
> does joseph just like rant frantically about the evils of processed products and jesus for ten minutes then just stops turns around and presses his clicker  
> this is the shit that new dawn should have told us okay ubisoft, i want to fucking know what joseph did when his slides got out of order or powerpoint crashes mid mass   
> wait does jacob use like a traditional slide projector or does he use powerpoint like it doesnt matter because either way what does he do when hes trying to brainwash people and he forgot the cord or the bulb burnt out while he was setting up  
> i grew up with the far cry series and this is the most important mystery to me ok idgaf why there's a warthog in the buggy in 1 or why everyone in 2 speaks at a billion miles an hour and never takes a breath or what the shadow demon thing in 3 is or if ajay really turned into a giant monkey i need to know about the seeds and technical issues


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wew we did it bois we made it to the porn. thank you all for sticking with me and for everyone's kind comments and support.
> 
> ok disclaimer when i wrote this during a flood so i had to do most of it on a phone and I couldn't boot up far cry 5 to double check on details so if there's any fuck ups please let me know and I will fix it ASAP
> 
> to everyone who doesn't care about bs plot and just wants to read some seedcest, ctrl-F clavicle and it will bring you to a good starting point
> 
> that being said if you are looking for sexy times that are actually, well, sexy  
> well  
> yikes buddy  
> sorry bout that  
> this aint the fic for you

Even though the Resistance was acting up, John shooed his guards away. If those stubborn idiots did decide to launch an attack, John still wouldn’t want his guards there. He didn’t want to risk giving them a quick and easy death after ruining his time with Joseph. A mere flaying wouldn’t be enough. In fact, just physical torture wouldn’t satisfy him. That would be too kind. He’d break them, all by himself, without the use of Bliss or songs. 

As John stirred together cornmeal, sugar, flour, and eggs, a juvenile urge struck him. He laughed at himself. Maybe he should have felt guilty for even considering it, but honestly, he couldn’t think of why. He didn’t have any diseases. No harm could come from it. Even after stopping and thinking for several minutes, John still couldn’t think of any reasons not to do it. So he washed his hands under steaming hot water. The last thing he needed right now was an infection. After scrubbing his skin and nails thoroughly, John grabbed the nearest clean knife. His reflection in it was blurry. More a mass of colors than a man. Carefully, he edged the tip into the base of his left index finger, right into the knuckle’s side. It hurt so little that he wouldn’t have even called it pain. He dragged it up to the last joint. 

John was careful not to let any blood run off as he set the knife aside. His finger wasn’t bleeding too badly, so it’d be a waste to let even a drop spill. He stepped back to the bowl and flipped his hand. Some dripped into the powdery mix, but not enough. Then again, John wasn’t sure what was enough or what was too much. He didn’t want Joseph to taste it. That’d completely ruin the flavor of the hushpuppies. If Joseph didn’t like the food, then John wasn’t sure how he’d take it. He wanted Joseph to like it. He wanted Joseph to see that John would be a good, well, certainly not a wife, but a caretaker. 

A wife though. 

John was grateful he was a man, he’d detest being a woman. But if he was a woman, being Joseph’s wife would make everything worth it. And he’d be a good wife for Joseph. Better than  _ her.  _

John pinched along his finger. After it went numb, along with a good chunk of his hand, he was satisfied with the amount. It really was juvenile. But the thought of him being inside Joseph long after tonight made him happy. No, happy was too short term. It contented him. 

As he found a bandage and wrapped it around his finger, he wondered how long he’d remain inside Joseph. Joseph would say something about how the spiritual mattered more, and that there was a bit of Joseph inside of each of his Heralds. But that didn’t mean that the reverse was true. If there wasn’t any of John inside of Joseph’s spirit, then at least he could be a part of his physical body. He’d be inside of his veins and a part of his cells. It wasn’t the most John could ask for, but it was better than nothing. 

Maybe someday they’d be consubstantial in spirit, but… Well, probably never. 

If Jacob were watching, John knew he’d be disappointed. Jacob didn’t seem to have silly whims like John did. Not anymore. 

John shook his left hand, trying to bring back some sensation.

  
  
  


Joseph knocked in the same way he always did, and John didn’t know how it was possible, but he fell even more in love with his older brother. 

Before opening the door, John took a steadying breath. He didn’t want to overload Joseph with his affection. They’d ease into it. He’d allow himself a hug though. A proper brotherly one, just in case one of their congregation were around. He pulled the door open and was greeted by Joseph looking as he always did. Saintly. 

“Joseph!” John threw his arms around his brother, patting his back, “I’m happy you came!”

“I promised I would,” Joseph gently hugged his brother back with a fraction of the enthusiasm John had. Though that wasn’t saying much. Joseph never really seemed overly enthusiastic about many things besides Eden’s Gate. “Did you rest well?”

John stepped back, gesturing for his brother to come in, “Yes. Like a log. Thank you for seeing me last night. I needed it.” 

“I am your keeper, John. It is my duty to watch over you.” 

“Yes,” John glanced outside before shutting the door. Just as he’d asked, there was no one. Now, all he needed was for the Resistance to behave themselves for one night. “I wonder, do you enjoy it?” 

“What?” Joseph looked at him as if he’d said nonsense, “Of course I do. I want the best for you. I want to see you content. Satiated.” 

John smiled. For some reason, he had to force it. “That’s why you’re our Father.” 

“Ah, John,” Joseph glanced away, “For now, I am not the Father. I am only your brother.” 

“That’s okay,” John said, “I love them both just the same, but,” he grabbed Joseph’s hand, forcing his fingers between his brother’s, “The one I love most is Joseph.” 

Joseph didn’t respond, or even react. It was as if John said nothing at all. 

“I love the Father, and I love my brother, but the one who is most precious to me is the person behind them. Even if you weren’t either, I’d still follow you forever, Joseph.” 

“I,” Joseph swallowed, “I am happy that our lives are connected.” 

John forced his smile again, “It’s okay to say you don’t feel the same.” 

“No, John, that isn’t what I meant.”

“It’s okay,” John pulled his brother in for another hug, pressing his face into Joseph’s shoulder to breathe him in deep. It lightened the sting of Joseph’s words. “What-ifs have no power. Only evidence, and the only evidence we have is the lives we’re living. Right, Joseph?” 

“Yes.”

“So it’s okay if you’ll only love me like this, because this is the way I am. This is our reality, so I’ll say yes to it. God made us like this for a reason, right?”

Joseph pushed John away, only enough so that they were face-to-face. “Everything God does has a reason.” 

His tone was so warm and sweet that John’s smile turned genuine. 

“I love you, Joseph.” 

“I love you too, John.”

Before they could separate any further, John kissed his brother. Joseph didn’t freeze or tense. It still took a few seconds before he reciprocated, but that was okay. Joseph was finally becoming comfortable with his affection. John’s veins felt like they were fizzing. Maybe the future he wanted wasn’t impossible. Maybe Joseph was starting to love his brothers in the same way they loved him. 

Joseph pulled away. His eyes weren’t meeting John’s.

“John.” 

“Yes? What is it?”

His older brother stepped back. Without another word, and still without looking at John, he reached up behind his head and pulled his hair loose. He wrapped the band around his fingers, holding it like he held his rosary. 

“Jacob said he would prefer it if I,” Joseph paused, “expressed myself like this.”

“And you wanted my opinion?”

Joseph nodded, still running his fingers over the band.

“You’re handsome either way, Joseph. But you’re asking for my preference?”

Another nod.

“Then my preference is whatever you’re most comfortable with.”

“I see,” Joseph said. He sounded disappointed. 

“But you can keep it down for now!” John grabbed his brother’s hand again, “Allow me some time to appreciate it.”

“If that’s what you want.” 

“Thank you, Joseph. Do you want to take a seat? The oven should be done soon.” 

“Did you cook?” 

John laughed. It wasn’t funny. Really, it was the opposite. But he didn’t want the bitterness he felt to show on his face. “Of course I did. Why do you sound so concerned?”

“I just didn’t expect it.”

“Well, you should start expecting it. Come on.” John gently pulled his brother along. Joseph still seemed nervous. Maybe John had said the wrong thing. But what was he supposed to say? He pushed it out of his mind. It’d be okay. He’d just do better and Joseph would forget about it. 

John guided him to his dining table, already mostly set, of course. Everything was clean and neatly organized. All to ensure the best impression possible. Joseph pulled his hand free from John to reach for the nearest bowl and take a hushpuppy. John held his breath. He didn’t actually know how they turned out. He taste-tested everything else, but eating his own blood seemed, well, gross.

Joseph took a bite. He chewed. Then paused.

“John.” 

“Ah, I—”

“This is fantastic.”

“Huh?”

Joseph took another, “I am so sorry, John, I should not have doubted you. Never in my life have I tasted so many subtle and varied flavors at once. It is every tone of sweet. It is every shade of savory. How did you manage to fry it so delicately? John, do you know what you’ve done?”

“You just need to keep a close eye on—”

“No, John, food like this could lead a man to sin.” 

“I’m sorry…?”

“That is a compliment, John. It is a good thing that you don’t cook often. If you did, I would need to repent daily for my gluttony.” 

John took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. It was the first breath that didn’t feel choked. But as Joseph ate another, the anxious panic retreated. Happiness replaced it. A lot of joy. And an odd sickly sweet mix of contentment and excitement. 

Before he fixated too hard on the fact that Joseph was eating him, John remembered he was supposed to reply.

“Thank you, Joseph. It means a lot, it really does. Would you like something to drink? I made some sweet tea, but it’s not actual ‘sweet tea.’ I didn’t have enough time. Next time, I’ll prepare it the right way.” 

Joseph smiled, “That would be wonderful, John. I should be thanking you for all of this.”

“You just being here is enough thanks.” 

The smile flickered into something else. But it came back as Joseph said, “You should get some for yourself.” 

John nodded and left for the kitchen. He’d said something wrong again. And again, he had no idea what. Honestly, he couldn’t tell if it was him or Joseph that was odd. But he was the one that was in love with his own brother, so it was probably John. 

He pulled out the pitcher of tea from the fridge and set it on the counter. As he grabbed two glasses, another juvenile urge struck him. The saccharine feeling in his gut hadn’t left yet, and only encouraged him. It’d be okay. This was less of a risk. John filled both cups, then brought one under his chin. It was hard since his mouth was dry, but he managed to pool enough saliva to drool. 

It was a lot less satisfying than his finger. He certainly felt sillier. John closed his mouth and started stirring his spit into the tea with his pinky. The only way Joseph would know would be if he saw it.

When it was entirely mixed in and invisible, John grabbed his own glass and returned to Joseph. He didn’t need to fake his smile. He didn’t need to fake the way it grew as he set Joseph’s glass down in front of him.

Joseph thanked him and took a sip. 

“How is it?” John asked. 

“Wonderful. Perfectly sweet.” 

“I’m happy,” John said, stepping back, “So, so happy. It’ll be better next time. Let me grab the fish and we can eat.” 

“Fish?”

“Yes. Trout. Some in the flock are avid fishers. Some find it appropriate to share with me.” 

“I see. I am eager to see what you’ve done with it.” 

“I hope it lives up to your expectations.” 

Joseph smiled, “I’m certain it will.”

As John walked away, the sweet feeling felt like it was about to burst. He knew the tea wasn’t anything special. But Joseph had still liked it. There was a single explanation. The only common ingredient was John himself, so it was John that Joseph was tasting. It was John that he thought was delicious. That meant that even if Joseph wasn’t mentally or spiritually aware of it, his body knew that he and John were meant to be together. His tongue already loved John. Getting the rest to follow wouldn’t be too hard. 

The fish looked fine enough. In his past, before John the Baptist and when there was only John the sinner, he’d charmed many women through their stomachs. Even after he became a Herald, but back when he was still in denial about his love for Joseph, he’d done the same with a few members of the Project. It was shameful now that he was thinking about it. He was an idiot through and through for attributing the emptiness he felt to a need for physical contact. He was even stupider for trying to “cure” his feelings for Joseph with the same strategy. His love wasn’t physical. He should have known that. No, his love was the deepest purest form of love. It permeated every aspect of his being. If he was boiled down, all that would remain would be his love. How could sex change that? 

But it’d be okay. That was the past. John had repented and now all he needed and wanted was Joseph. It was shameful, but Joseph would make it all better. 

At least he hadn’t had any relations with men. The thought disgusted him. But Joseph was different. John was more than happy that he was at least a virgin in that sense, so that he could give something to his older brother. 

After returning and setting down the fish, John took Joseph’s plate and began to fill it up. His brother watched patiently, sipping at his tea. It was hard not to watch. They’d become one in several ways by the end of the night. 

As John finished serving his own plate, Joseph watched him expectantly. It only took a few seconds for John to realize what he wanted. 

“I want you to lead,” John said, reaching his hand over several roots and vegetables. Joseph took it, nodding as he bowed his head.

The prayer was the same, but John still hung onto every word. He thanked God mentally, meaning it more than he ever had before in his life. Everything else he thought he wanted was just a distraction. God had been trying to tell him for years that all he needed was Joseph, but John was stubborn. But now he knew. Joseph was everything.  _ Everything.  _

“John?”

John looked up and realized that Joseph had finished several moments ago. 

Joseph continued, “What happened to your hand?”

“Nothing,” John tried to pull his hand away, but Joseph held it tight. “I was distracted earlier and this happened. It’s just a small cut. Don’t worry, Joseph. Let’s eat.”

Joseph frowned. Slowly he nodded, releasing John. John breathed out. He hadn’t even realized he’d stopped. 

  
  
  


Maybe heading outside while the Resistance was active was risky. But Joseph had said that the night sky in the Valley was particularly beautiful and the chance of being held by his older brother under the stars was too tempting to say no to. So far, saying Yes had carried John. He wasn’t about to stop. 

Joseph leaned over the railing, staring upwards. John stepped beside him. When he put an arm around Joseph’s shoulders, his brother stiffened.

“Not yet, John.”

“Not yet what? Oh,” John pulled his arm away, keeping it at his side, “I didn’t mean it like that.”

Joseph looked to him, “You didn’t?”

“No, I just thought it’d be okay and…” John sighed, moving to give his brother some space, “Sorry.”

“No, John, I am the one who should be sorry. It’s simply that,” Joseph looked down to the grass below, “I don’t know what I am doing.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that I don’t know how you or Jacob want me to act. You two tell me that you love me for me, and that means I don’t need to act, that I can just be myself. But when you do things like that, I,” Joseph paused, “I can’t picture myself in that situation. I don’t know what I would do. I know how to be your brother, but I don’t know how to be your,” he hesitated, swallowing loudly, “lover.”

“Joseph, if you don’t want to do this, then—”

“That is not what I said.”

“Then what are you saying?”

“I don’t know how to react.”

John glanced away, “I don’t want you to force yourself into doing anything. So I suppose it’s best to just,” he looked back to his brother, “put up with it.”

“Put up with it?”

“Yes. If you don’t know how to react, then just let it happen.”

Joseph nodded slowly, “Okay.”

“But if something makes you uncomfortable, do you swear that you’ll tell me? Promise that you’ll tell me right away?”

“I promise.”

John smiled, returning to his brother’s side. Joseph relaxed, gazing skywards once more.

“Hey, Joseph?”

“Yes, John?”

“I know I just told you to just put up with things, but,” John stepped even closer, his shoulder overlapping with Joseph’s, “can you put your arm around me?” 

Joseph nodded and obliged. His hand settled on John’s shoulder felt heavy. But heavy in a good way. Heavy in a way that made him feel alive. Like he was just floating along before, but was now anchored. 

“Is this good enough?” Joseph asked. They were close enough that Joseph’s breath hit his ear and cheek. 

“Yes. More than enough. You’re so good, Joseph. You make me so happy. I’m so so  _ so  _ happy. I love you so much, Joseph.”

“I love you too, John.”

“I wish you could hold me forever, Joseph. I wish you could hold me so close that we could never be parted again. I wish that we’d be so close that you could only look at  _ me  _ and only think about  _ me,  _ forever.”

It was clear Joseph was trying, but he couldn’t hide his uncomfortable expression. He swallowed. His grip on John slackened only to tighten harder than before.

“And Jacob?” he asked.

John laughed, soft and breathy, “Jacob is allowed too. But not Faith.”

“Okay.”

“I love you, Joseph,” John pressed himself further into his brother. To the point Joseph had to grab onto the railing with his free hand to keep them both upright. “I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love—”

“John.”

“Yes?”

“Have you ever…” Joseph drifted off. He paused, clearly rethinking his words. “John, are you a sodomite?”

John leaned off his brother, but not enough to put any distance between them, “Huh?”

“Are you a, a homosexual?”

“No! Of course not!” 

“But then we are both men and yet…”

“Joseph,” John laughed and he wasn’t sure if it was nervous or out of affection, “I told you already. I would love you no matter what. Even if you were a woman, I’d love you. Even if I was a woman, I’d love you. Even if we were ages apart, I’d still love you just the same.”

“I see,” Joseph nodded, “And Jacob?” 

“Jacob? No way. He’s too macho to be a queer.”

“Yes. You’re right. I should stop trying to understand this then.” 

“There’s nothing to understand besides that we love you,” John said, putting his hand over Joseph’s on his shoulder. 

Joseph didn’t react. Instead he just stared. Sometimes John wondered what he saw. Not the Voice or the visions, just his perspective on simple things like the wind through the grass, the ripples on the Henbane, or the eyes of the flock gazing at him full of reverence and adoration. But John wouldn’t want to see it himself. Knowing what Joseph saw when he looked at John was too terrifying. 

As Joseph started to hum “Amazing Grace,” John put those thoughts out of his head. It was easier to not think. It was easier to just trust that whatever Joseph saw, however he saw things, that in all matters, Joseph would make the right decision.

  
  
  
  


When John shut the door behind them, Joseph refused to look at him. If it was only for a moment or even a minute, then John wouldn’t think much of it. It made sense to be nervous. But, judging from the clock on his bedside, it had been more than five minutes and Joseph hadn’t even moved. He just stood there, hands tightened into white fists at his side, and his eyes towards the floor. John couldn’t bring himself to move either though, at least not until Joseph did. So he leaned against the door, watching his older brother. 

John sighed. It wasn’t out of anger or frustration. It was just a sigh. 

“I’m sorry,” Joseph said. His voice shook. 

“Why?”

“I don’t know what to do.” 

“Joseph, you don’t have to do this. If you don’t want to, we just sleep. If you wanted, I could bring you back to your compound. It’s fine.” 

“No!” 

His tone wasn’t angry, but it was desperate. It had the same effect on John as anger would have though. John looked away, wincing. It felt like frigid water had just drenched him, extinguishing every bit of joy Joseph had given him. He bit his tongue until he tasted salt.

“I can’t go on like this, John.” 

John squeezed his eyes shut. His lungs burned.

“I can’t go on knowing that you and Jacob want to do this to me and wondering when it will happen and what it will be like.” 

“Jo—” 

“So if I let you do this, if I allow myself to be used in such a way by my own brothers, then I won’t wonder anymore, right? Right, John? Isn’t that right? I won’t have to suffer like this anymore, right?” 

John opened his mouth to reply, but he couldn’t find his voice. 

“You want me to look at you, John, but you won’t even look at me.” 

It took every bit of willpower, but John opened his eyes. He looked up. 

Joseph’s expression was blank. There was no judgement, no anger, no sadness. Just empty flatness. 

“If I know,” Joseph said, “then it will not have any power over me. Is that not right, John?”

“I,” John’s voice sounded too weak, so he swallowed and started again, “I don’t know, Joseph.” 

“I have a confession, John. Will you take it?”

“Yes. Of course. What is it?”

“I am afraid, John.” 

“Afraid of what?”

“That if I don’t give myself,” Joseph said, voice calm and steady, “I am afraid of what you and Jacob would do.” 

He smiled.

John took in a deep shuddering breath. It felt frozen in his mouth, but fire in his body. His skin went cold with numbness. Even his vision seemed to go. 

“W-wha…” he gasped for more oxygen, “What?” 

Joseph’s smile widened. “My heart is light now that I have confessed.” He reached out with both arms towards John, offering his hands, “Come, John. Allow me to repent. Give me my penance.” 

John knew what was right. He knew that he couldn’t just let what Joseph said go. But the shadow of the truth was horrifying enough. Accepting that  _ that  _ was Joseph’s sight was impossible. It wouldn’t be impossible for someone stronger. If wouldn’t be impossible for someone who wasn’t empty. 

But John was weak.

And John was empty.

John was a sinner who instead of living off the light of Christ, could only leech off the light of Joseph.

“Come here, John.” 

Joseph’s voice was endlessly caring. It was full of light and warmth and love. 

“Say yes, John. Say yes to me.” 

It was so  _ so _ much easier to just say Yes. 

John could barely keep himself upright as he approached Joseph. As soon as he was close enough, he threw his arms around his brother, dragging him into a tight hug. When Joseph reciprocated, John could finally breathe properly again. It didn’t sting anymore. The numbness left and he could feel the heat of Joseph’s body and the wetness of his breath. Yet the darkness of Joseph’s words was still there. It was kept at bay by Joseph’s touch, but John needed it gone. It was a cancer that needed to be scorched out. 

He pulled back enough to see Joseph’s face. His smile was still there. It was almost a shame to smother it by kissing him. After the usual pause, Joseph kissed back. He even brushed his tongue against John’s, though his motions were still awkward. Clumsy, John would dare say. John didn’t know how many people Joseph had been with besides  _ her.  _ There was a chance that she was the only one. As much as John hated the thought of that woman, he preferred the idea that Joseph was with as few people as possible. At the very least, he was Joseph’s first man. No one else would take that from him. 

Joseph turned his head, gaze toward the bed. 

“I do not know how to commit this act,” he said.

“You mean how two men have sex?” 

“Yes.” 

“It’s okay,” John brushed his fingers over Joseph’s cheek, dragging them up to pinch the frame of his glasses, “I’ve already prepared.” 

“Prepared?” Joseph frowned as John pulled his glasses off.

“It’s a little more complicated than with a woman, but the principles are the same.” 

“How do you know?”

John laughed, setting Joseph’s sunglasses on the bedside table, “You’d be surprised what you learn in a courtroom.” 

“What do you mean about the same principles?” 

“Do you really want the details, Joseph?” 

“No. I just don’t know what to do.” 

John sat on the bed. Joseph hesitated, but did the same. His hands were obviously trembling, so John took them in his own, squeezing them reassuringly. 

“Just think of me like a woman for now.” 

Joseph’s frown deepened. “I don’t understand.” 

“Okay, well, do you trust me on this?” 

“I always have faith in you, John.” 

John bit back the urge to point out that according to what he’d said only minutes ago, he clearly didn’t. So he forced a smile.

“Thank you, Joseph. Do you want me to undress you or do you want to do it yourself?”

Joseph’s brow furrowed. “I don’t know.”

“How about I undress you and you undress me?” 

“If that’s what you wish for.” 

“It is,” John reached out and started unbutton Joseph’s vest. He could feel his brother tremble under his touch. Each breath was short and shaking. He didn’t want to go back to talking. That’d lead back to Joseph saying more horrible things. Even if they were true, John didn’t want them. So he kissed Joseph’s neck, lapping and nibbling at the salty skin. That only made each breath shorter, but at least the shake in them didn’t sound so fearful. Saying it was pleasured would be too optimistic though. 

Joseph didn’t fight as John yanked his vest off. Even when John undid his shirt and tugged it down, he only froze, his breathing stuttering. 

“Relax,” John said, threading his fingers through his brother’s beard, “You go around without a shirt all the time. Just relax.” 

“Yes,” Joseph nodded, “Okay. Okay.”

“Would you feel better if I took mine off?”

“No.” 

“Okay,” John pressed a quick kiss to his brother’s cheek, “Should I wait before I take the rest off?”

“John,” Joseph sighed, “I am not a child.”

“Sorry. I just don’t know what I’m doing either.” 

“You don’t?”

“I,” John glanced aside, “I’ve never been with someone I actually cared about,” he looked back at his brother, “And I really care about you, Joseph. I want you to enjoy this. I want you to enjoy  _ me.”  _

Joseph watched him, his expression unreadable. 

“If,” John slipped his hands from Joseph’s face to tangle their fingers together again, “I knew what kind of things you like, it’d make me feel a lot better.” 

“The things I like?”

“It doesn’t have to be anything specific.” 

“I like,” he paused, “being close.” 

“Being close? Like this?”

Joseph shook his head, “No. I mean,” he sighed, frustration tingeing it, “I always think that I’m a failure when it comes to,” a pause, “loving someone. But I’m still chosen and I don’t understand why. So when there’s something that proves that I’m chosen, that I am loved for who I am and not what, then I think that,” another pause, “maybe I deserve love despite that.” 

He watched John, his desire for a reaction written all over his expression.

“I understand. Thank you for telling me, Joseph. Now, come on,” John tugged Joseph’s hands along as he leaned back towards the headboard. Joseph resisted, pulling his hands free as John laid down.

“What are you doing?”

“I just realized we’ve never laid down together. Actually, I just realized that we haven’t done much besides kissing.” 

Joseph frowned, “John, I already told you. I want to have relations with you tonight.” 

“Yeah and,” John glanced towards his clock, “we have more than ten hours. Trust me, Joseph, it’s not going to take that long for us to have sex. We have time.” 

Joseph still seemed reluctant, but he laid down besides his younger brother. He tensed as John turned on his side to set his head on his brother’s scarred chest and drape an arm over his stomach. Slowly, Joseph rested a hand on John’s shoulder and the other on his forearm. That simple reaction filled John with a warmth. Not arousal. Not even love. Just a sense of fulfillment. He didn’t feel like John the Baptist or John the Sinner. He just felt like… John. 

“This is nice,” he said. 

“Your beard,” Joseph said.

“Is it uncomfortable?” 

“No. But when you move, it tickles.”

John laughed. 

“Not helping, John.” 

“Sorry. Should I shave?” 

“No,” Joseph said, tone way too intense, “You may not.” 

“I’ll throw out my razors.” 

“That’s unnecessary.” 

John laughed again. He nestled his nose against Joseph’s chest and breathed in deep. 

“Jacob does that too,” Joseph said.

“You smell good.” 

“I believe that there’s a bias at play here.” 

“Not at all.” 

John looked up. The sight of Joseph with such a light-hearted smile was far more beautiful than Eden could ever be. 

But Joseph’s smile fell as he sighed.

“You don’t need to do this just to reassure me, John.”

“Yes, but I want to. I like being able to touch you. Every time before, you always seemed so nervous, so I didn’t think I was allowed to. Now I know I can, so I will. I’ve always wanted this, Joseph.”

“I see.” 

John frowned, “You don’t believe me?”

“No, I do.”

“Joseph…” John sighed.

His older brother’s grip on his arm and shoulder tightened. John didn’t know what he meant by it, but it was comforting. He pressed a kiss to his brother’s clavicle and curled up further into Joseph. His brother’s body was warm, almost feverishly hot. The scars against John’s cheek felt gnarled and twisted, especially as they rubbed against his skin with each rise and fall of Joseph’s chest. It was a steady calm rhythm. John slid his arm free from Joseph’s hand, dragging his fingers over Joseph’s heart. It beat strong and consistent. John wondered if his own was so powerful.

An embarrassing whine came from John as Joseph reached over and started to unbutton his shirt. John tried to keep his composure and stop any other noises from slipping out. But with each button, another whimper would escape and his thighs would rub together on their own as his dick hardened. His nails dug into Joseph’s chest. When Joseph couldn’t reach the rest of John’s shirt, he grabbed onto John’s upper arm and tugged. John understood. He carefully pushed himself up and swung a leg over Joseph’s hips. It wasn’t a comfortable position, especially with his dick fighting against his pants. He wasn’t about to complain though. Many nights, and a few mornings, were wasted listening to Joseph on the radio, with this exact image playing on repeat in John’s mind. Even more were wasted on the fantasy of Joseph on top of him, but they’d get to that. Except in both, Joseph was watching him and his eyes weren’t squeezed shut as his breathing grew rapid. 

“Joseph?”

He didn’t get a response.

“Joseph, are you okay?”

“I’m okay, John,” he said, but he still looked like he was on the verge of panic. 

“Let’s just go back to laying down. I really liked that.” 

John started to lean off of Joseph, but his older brother grabbed his arms, his grip frantically tight. 

“I’m okay, John. Just allow me a few seconds.”

“Okay. It’s okay, Joseph. Take all the time you need.” 

Joseph’s hands slackened. They slipped off John, falling back to the sheets. 

“I’m sorry, John.”

“No, it’s okay! It’s okay. Joseph,” John leaned down, placing his hands over Joseph’s and intertwining their fingers, “I love you, so I all I want is to make you happy. Please don’t worry about needing some time.” 

Joseph took a deep breath. Slowly his eyes opened. He squeezed his brother’s hands. 

“Do you remember when we were children?” 

John nodded, “Some of it.” 

“Do you remember how you would get our attention?”

He thought for a moment. “Yes, I would tackle you guys and— Oh.” 

It made perfect sense why Joseph was distressed. They used to end up in this exact position as kids. Except with no boners and no incest involved.

“I’m sorry, Joseph. I didn’t realize that—”

“It is okay, John. I’m okay now,” Joseph smiled at him, slipping his hands free. With only a slight amount of hesitation, he returned to unbuttoning the rest of John’s shirt. Something about his motions seemed more mechanical than before. John didn’t put any more thought to it. As soon as he could, he yanked his shirt off, dropping it with Joseph’s clothes. 

When he noticed his older brother’s unwavering gaze, John couldn’t resist. “How do I look?”

“What?” Joseph’s brow furrowed, confused.

“Is it okay?” John bent down, pressing their bare torsos together. The feeling of Joseph’s skin against his was almost too much. If he had less self-control, he would’ve came. “Am I good enough for you? Do you like me?” 

“John.” 

“Is there something wrong? Is there something you want me to change? I can write whatever you want. It doesn’t have to be a tattoo, I’ll carve it right in. Do you want me to lose weight? Gain weight? Do you want me to be softer? I can—”

“John, stop.” 

He bit his teeth together, clenching them tight. 

Joseph’s hand threaded into his hair, gently stroking the strands. His other hand rubbed circles into John’s back.

“You’re perfect the way you are, John. You are as God intended and I would never ask you to change.”

“But do you want me to?”

“No. I have no desire for you to change. I only want my little brother.” 

“You have him,” John said, with a smile, pushing himself back up. He awkwardly shuffled lower until the top of Joseph’s pants were exposed. He looked to his brother. “Can I?”

Joseph hesitated, but he nodded slowly. 

The temptation to rush was hard to resist, but John made sure his movements were at an even mild pace. Tugging his brother’s pants off was an awkward process. Joseph wasn’t struggling, but he sure wasn’t helping. John had to shift his weight, lifting his own legs to get Joseph’s free long enough to yank the fabric off. When he turned his attention to Joseph’s briefs, he caught sight of the sewn scabbed mess on his older brother’s inner thigh. 

John’s mouth went dry. His heart thudded in his ears. They told him it was an accident that Joseph nearly died. He’d only seen the bandages so he assumed that Joseph just fell. But there was no way that those cuts were an accident. There were clear letters in it, lines and curves etched upon each other over and over. Some were shallow. There was an H near his groin that was already scarred over. But some were deep, like the edges of an R that pierced into the muscle. There were no explanations for the cuts that looked like they’d been gouged, like the meat and skin had been scooped out. 

“It’s okay now, John,” Joseph said.

“I thought,” John swallowed, “You told this me this was an accident.”

“Injuring myself to such an extent was. I should have called you. You would have known what sin resides inside me. I wouldn’t have had to guess. I wouldn’t have had to write it over and over.” 

John’s voice shook as his eyes started to burn, “Joseph—”

“I love you, John. I love you and Jacob. I would never try to leave you two.” 

“Do you promise?”

“I promise, John. I won’t leave you. Just don’t leave me.” 

“I’ll never leave you,” John said eagerly. He hooked his fingers under the fabric, “I’ll stay by your side forever, Joseph. I’ll follow you forever.”

Joseph inhaled loudly when John pulled off his last piece of clothing. His fingers were in the sheets, clenching them tight to the point his knuckles were white. John set a hand on his injured thigh, petting him lamely in a pathetic attempt to reassure him. But also to reassure himself. For some reason, the sight of Joseph’s flaccid penis was a savage blow to John’s ego. It was stupid to expect that Joseph would be begging to fuck John. And that wasn’t what John was expecting at all. It really wasn’t. But he was hoping that he’d at least be aroused.

He glanced at Joseph with a forced smile. Joseph just stared back, barely hiding his anxiety. Maintaining the eye contact, John leaned down to gently press his lips to the scabbed wreck on Joseph’s thigh. His older brother made an odd sound. Something between a groan and a hiss. It didn’t sound like pleasure, but it didn’t sound like pain either. John peppered the area with soft kisses, encouraged by the sounds and the way Joseph’s chest started to heave. When he came to a particularly deep cut, he let himself tongue the indent. It tasted salty and bitter, with none of the metal that John expected. That earned a pained whimper, so he stopped and kissed the gash in apology. 

Even when John pulled away, Joseph’s breathing didn’t return to normal. He didn’t bother hiding his nervous expression anymore. No, “nervous” was too kind a word for it. If John were honest, he’d say “scared.” But that was too harsh to accept.

He took his brother’s dick in hand, gently rubbing his thumb over the loose skin. It was entirely ordinary, but because it was Joseph’s, it was adorable and enticing. 

“John…” Joseph’s voice trembled as if he was holding back tears.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare.” 

John leaned in closer. Before Eden’s Gate, if someone had told him he’d suck another man off, he would’ve beaten them half to death. If they said it was his long lost brother, he would’ve murdered them and scattered the pieces. But he wasn’t disgusted now. It was okay because it was Joseph. He would do anything Joseph asked of him. It didn’t matter how degenerate or filthy or demeaning. John would do it and he would revel in it. 

“John!” 

The panic and horror in Joseph’s tone made him freeze. Slowly, John met his brother’s eyes and found the same horror in his expression.

“What are you doing!?” 

“I’m, I,” John stammered, shame suddenly twisting his stomach, “I’m going to give you,” he couldn’t meet Joseph’s eyes anymore and he turned aside, “oral sex.”

“John, that is  _ disgusting.  _ How could you think I would want you to lower yourself in such a way?” 

“No, Joseph, it’s, it’s not lowering myself. I want to.” 

“I don’t want you to do this.” 

John nodded, sitting back up. He still couldn’t look at Joseph. 

“When I talked about proof that I was loved, is this your idea of it? Is this what you thought I was talking about?”

“No, I just thought, I thought this was what I was supposed to do.” 

John bowed his head. He dug his nails into his palm. He bit into his tongue. He was a fucking idiot. 

“John.”

His eyes started to burn with shame. That was exactly what he needed right now. To cry in front of his brother like a girl.

“John.” 

“I’m sorry, Joseph.” 

Joseph sighed. John felt Joseph move under him, but he still didn’t expect the arms wrapping around him and pulling him into Joseph’s strong chest. When he felt Joseph’s lips against his scalp, John couldn’t hold back a dry sob. 

“You’re so good to me, Joseph,” he said, pace frantic, “I don’t deserve you. You’re also so kind and forgiving and merciful to me and I just keep letting you down. I just want— All I want is—” 

Another dry sob tore through his throat.

Joseph kissed his head again. “Tell me what you want, John.” 

“I just want you to look at me.” 

“I am looking at you.” 

Before John could reply, Joseph dragged him aside, pushing him down into the bed. He held himself above John with his knees and a hand by John’s head, his other hand sliding behind John’s head to lift it up. Joseph leaned forward, touching their foreheads and nearly their noses. His eyes were aligned with John’s. Something akin to religious fervor filled them. When Joseph looked at John with such intensity, usually a glance while preaching or when he was scolding his younger brother or taking his confession, John always felt naked. But when Joseph was this close and their contact was so prolonged, John felt  _ flayed _ . Joseph could always see past his flesh and into his soul, but it felt like he was seeing so much more than that. Judging so much more than that. 

“Is this what you wanted?” Joseph asked, his moist breath hitting John’s mouth. He could taste his older brother’s breath, he could taste the meal they just ate and the mustiness that was Joseph. 

“Yes, it is, Joseph, thank you so much, Joseph, I love you so much, Joseph, I love you so so much—” 

John gasped, the stream of emotions overflowing. 

“What else do you want from me?” 

“Tell me what you see,” John set his hands on the back of Joseph’s head.

“You. My brother.”

“Yes,” John nodded, his eyes burning again. Not with shame or self-hatred, but out of euphoria. “Yes, yes, tell me more.”

“My brother who always goes astray. My brother who needs me. My brother who I love and adore.” 

“Yes, yes, yes—” John pulled his brother down for a sloppy kiss. He didn’t care about what was right and what was wrong, what felt good and what was awkward. He just wanted to express how much he absolutely  _ loved  _ Joseph. 

And Joseph kissed back. He dropped John’s head and reached between them with his now free hand to clumsily undo John’s pants. That was all he did though. So John took it upon himself to awkwardly finish the job, dragging them low and kicking them off. Joseph looked over his body, scanning up and down until he stopped at John’s face. 

“Tell me what to do, John.” 

“On the table, next to your glasses, there’s a bottle.” 

Joseph nodded and reached for it. He brought it close to his eyes, squinting to read the label.

“Coconut oil? John, what is—” 

“I use it for my skin,” John said, more than aware of how defensive he sounded, “It gets dry here in the Winter.” 

Joseph blinked, confused. “Okay,” he said, nodding slowly, “but what is this for?” 

“Yes. Right,” John held his hand out, hiding his embarrassment. Joseph gave him the oil. “This is natural. No chemicals. I thought you’d be more comfortable with this than something artificial.”

“Okay.” 

John poured a liberal amount on his palm and handed the bottle back to his brother. Joseph only held it, still watching his brother curiously. Well, more confusedly. Especially when John rubbed his hands together.

“You need to get ha—,” John caught his wording, “You need an erection for this.” 

“I know. Sorry.” 

“It’s not your fault. Do what I did. Get your hands wet.” 

“Why?”

If it were anyone else, John would be annoyed by the naivety. But with Joseph, it was too endearing. He fell in love with his brother even more. 

“If your hands are dry when you,” John hesitated, trying to think of a way to phrase jerking off that wouldn’t offend his brother. He gave up, and just let it remain it implied, “It’s not comfortable and you might hurt yourself.” 

Joseph stared at him. “You mean,” his confusion deepened, “Onanism?”

“No, well, kind of. You don’t just masturbate and finish. Only to get ready.” 

Joseph frowned and set the oil back, “John, I can’t do that.” 

“Why?”

“It is a sin.” 

“Okay, then,” John bit his lip, trying to think, “I know you said that you’re not comfortable with me giving you,” he paused, “oral sex. But what if I just use my hands then? Are you comfortable with that?”

“You… can.” 

“But are you comfortable with it?”

“More so than the other options.” 

John sighed, “Joseph…”

“It’s okay, John. I promised I would tell you if I was uncomfortable and I have kept that promise so far.” 

John nodded, sitting up. He watched his brother’s face as he took his penis in hand again. Joseph’s breathing stuttered, his eyes squeezing shut. He wrapped his fingers around John’s wrist, his other hand digging into his little brother’s shoulder.

“Are you okay?”   
“Yes, John. I will tell you if I need to stop.”

“Want to stop.” 

“Yes. Continue.” 

Gently, John slid his fingers over the delicate skin. Joseph hissed, his grip tightening. His uneven nails clawing inwards. 

“John, wait.”

Immediately, John pulled his hand away. 

“Should we stop?” he asked.

Joseph shook his head, “No. Just…”

“What is it?”

His older brother glanced towards the portrait on his forearm. Jealousy struck John like a viper, and he grit his teeth til it hurt. He felt sick with rage. If he could, if Joseph ever allowed him, he would blot out that whore’s face with ink. Maybe Joseph would let him flay the skin, give John a blank canvas so he could put himself and Jacob there. 

“Before, I,” Joseph hesitated, swallowing, “It would be better if you built up to it.” 

John forced a saccharine smile, “Of course. Thank you for telling me, Joseph.” 

“I’m sorry, I know that,” he paused again, “John, just remember that you are the one who is here with me.” 

“But if she were here, then you wouldn’t have it that way,  _ would you _ ?”

The dire venom in his own voice surprised John. It was another thing he hadn’t meant to say. Clearly Joseph didn’t expect it either. He wore the hurt on his face, raw and vulnerable. Defeat slowly spread across his expression as his gaze faltered. 

Logically, John knew he should apologize. He knew that he’d taken a step too far and that the subject of Joseph’s wife was one that not even Jacob breached. For some sick reason though, he didn’t want to apologize. He wanted to twist the knife and make Joseph suffer for daring to love someone besides his brothers. She was gone anyways. Their daughter was dead too. That meant that Joseph’s past family held nothing more for him. It was better to just move on and say Yes to what he had now. 

Why couldn’t he just see that?

“So build up to it, huh?” John’s smile returned. He set his hands on Joseph’s thighs, rubbing up to his hips then back down, “Like this?”

He didn’t get a response.

“Joseph?”

John dragged a hand higher, just under his brother’s arm. 

“Joseph, like this?” 

“...Do as you like.’ 

“No, Joseph,” John cupped his brother’s face, smearing oil over his beard, “I want you to enjoy this.” 

As Joseph’s lips spread into his kind smile, John couldn’t miss that it didn’t reach his eyes. “I am enjoying this, John. I love you.” 

“I love you too,” John leaned in, pressing a quick kiss to his brother’s fake smile, “I love you so much that it scares me.” 

That was as close to an apology that he’d give. 

Joseph didn’t answer. He only smiled at John, the rest of his face wearing his misery openly. It took a bit of exploration, but John figured out that Joseph was most sensitive on his lower back, especially the small of it. The way he would heave and shudder, almost like a sob, gave it away. 

Horrible ideas flooded through John’s mind. When he was alone with only Joseph’s recorded voice for company, he’d always imagined Joseph inside him. Sometimes he was gentle and adoring, loving John as if he was precious. Other times he was strict, stern, even rough, a firm hand guiding his little brother back to the righteous path. The few times he thought about what it’d be like to be inside Joseph passed quickly. It seemed too uncharacteristic so it never developed into a proper fantasy. 

But judging by Joseph’s hushed whimpers when John grabbed at his ass, maybe it wasn’t so uncharacteristic. John would be gentle, of course. He’d want Joseph to be on top, but if he wasn’t ready to take charge, that’d be okay. No matter what, John would be gentle. He’d make Joseph love being taken like a woman. 

While Joseph wasn’t exactly erect, he wasn’t entirely flaccid either. It was enough for John to wrap his hand around. Joseph grabbed onto John’s sides. His grip was surely going to leave bruises. 

“I love you, Joseph,” John whispered, slowly starting to jerk his brother off. Louder, he repeated himself.

Joseph nodded. He was completely silent.

“Does it feel good?” 

“John,” Joseph’s voice shook.

“Are you enjoying this?”

_ “John.” _

“Are you ready, Joseph?”

The look his older brother gave him was unreadable. Eventually, Joseph’s gaze fell. His expression never changed.

“Tell me what to do.” 

“I need my legs,” John said. Joseph nodded and awkwardly climbed off of John’s thighs to sit on his heels between his little brother’s knees. It quickly became clear to John that he couldn’t just lay there like a woman. The very few images of gay pornography he’d happened upon didn’t have them face-to-face. Thinking back to the women he’d been with, John was suddenly envious that it had been so easy for them.

“John?” 

“Can you come closer?” 

Joseph glanced away, but he obeyed, shuffling forward. He tensed up when John bent his legs up, his calves against his older brother’s hips. 

“I don’t understand,” Joseph said.

“It’s like I’m a woman, remember?” 

Joseph stared at either John’s chest or stomach. It was hard to tell.

“When you said that, I had foolishly hoped you were referring to something aside from sodomy.” 

“Sorry. We don’t have to. We really don’t.” 

“This is a filthy degenerate performance.” 

“I cleaned up the best I could. I’m prepared. There shouldn’t be any mess.”

“I am speaking spiritually, John.” 

“Oh.” John glanced away, “Then let’s not. Let’s just go to sleep.” 

Joseph didn’t respond. At least not for what felt like minutes. Finally, he sighed, closing his eyes.

“This is an inevitability.”

“Joseph—”

His brother’s eyes met his, but something about his gaze seemed unfocused, like he was looking far away. 

“A sin is a sin, even if not willingly committed,” he said, “And so, if committing a sin means you will stop others from committing a steeper sin, then sacrifices must be made.” 

John didn’t fully understand what he meant. He understood enough though. 

“Joseph, I don’t want to have sex with you if it’s under a condition like that.” 

The distance in his brother’s eyes vanished, his usual intensity flooding back as he stared into John’s face.

“But you won’t deny me.” 

John wanted to turn away. As usual though, Joseph’s gaze was captivating. He couldn’t bring himself to. 

“...No. Of course not. But Joseph, please—”

“It is settled.” 

“Joseph—”

John nearly bit his tongue off as he felt something hot and slippery press against his ass. As Joseph pressed in, way too quickly and with too much pressure, whatever John was going to say dropped from his mind. Even if he could remember the words, he was too busy gasping and choking on his own breath to say anything. All the times he’d fingered himself hadn’t prepared him for this. At worst, his fingers felt weird and uncomfortable. This  _ hurt.  _ His lower body felt like it was burning, felt like it was stuffed the verge of ripping. It was intruding. It was violating. 

But it was also Joseph.

Even if it was under such awful terms, it was still Joseph. Joseph was inside him. They were having sex. They were joined as one just as they were always meant to be. This whole time, John had mourned his emptiness. Now he was filled. It was exactly what he’d been asking for. Praying for. And it was Joseph.

Joseph.

_ Joseph.  _

He reached out towards his brother’s beautiful face. Even when it was contorted into an ugly expression, more like on the verge of breaking down into tears than pleasure, Joseph still looked like a saint. John tried to sit up. His body didn’t respond. Joseph saw him though and leaned forward, bending over his little brother. It pushed him deeper into John, causing an hideous pained moan to fall from his mouth. John tried to ignore the fact that it felt like he was being stabbed as he interlocked his fingers behind Joseph’s neck.

Finally, Joseph stopped moving. John couldn’t tell if he was all the way in. He couldn’t make sense of anything he was feeling. 

Joseph’s mouth moved. He’d said something. John couldn’t hear it over the ringing in his ears. He looked pained too though. And worried. Having Joseph’s eyes be full of concern and directed at him, well, it was one of the most beautiful sights John had ever seen. It made the pain worth it. No, more than worth it. It made the pain feel good. Not pleasurable. Lord no. But it was better than pleasure. It was the feeling of Joseph cutting his sins into his skin, except deep enough to pierce into his organs. Under Joseph’s hand, it was in one area, contained in a single word. With Joseph inside, it was everywhere and everything. 

It was  _ amazing.  _

John laughed. The ringing in his ears faded. Instead, every sound from Joseph seemed amplified. He could hear his brother’s ragged heavy breathing. The beating of his brother’s strong heart. The scared gasping whimpers as John just kept on laughing. The most melodic noise was the way Joseph said his name, the way every letter dripped with care and fear. 

“I love you so much, Joseph.” 

“John—”

“Just keep looking at me, okay? Just keep looking at me. Only look at me, okay? Just me. Only me and no one else. Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at—”

John yanked his brother down into a messy uncoordinated kiss. All on his part. Joseph was frozen. That didn’t deter John. He smeared his tongue against his brother’s closed mouth, nipped at his lips. He moaned obnoxiously, less like a man and more like a filth-addled whore. It was fake. He didn’t need to. There wasn’t any pleasure that forced it out of him. But at the same time, he had to. The same immature part of his heart that fed his brother his blood and saliva demanded it. 

As John pulled away, saliva dripped down into his beard. Joseph didn’t move. He just watched his brother with a confused and horrified expression. John laughed again. His hands moved to the sides of Joseph’s head, bringing their foreheads together. It struck John for the billionth time just how beautiful his brother’s eyes were. The color of a Summer sky that could only exist in a memory. 

“Who are you thinking about, Joseph?” 

“You.” 

“Yes,” John smiled so wide it almost hurt. “Yes, yes, yes, yes,  _ yes! _ ” 

“John—”

“You’re thinking about me and no one else, right?  _ Right?  _ Only me? You’re thinking about only me?” 

“Yes, John.”

John was so happy he could’ve cried. In fact, he was almost certain he was. 

“You’re not thinking about  _ anyone else _ ,” he said through gritted teeth, “ _ no one else _ , right?”

“No, John.” 

“Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, only me, only me, only me, only think about me  _ forever and ever and ever and ever. _ ” 

John was definitely crying. No, he was sobbing. Through the blur of tears, he couldn’t make out Joseph’s face. Only his stunningly blue eyes.

“I love you, Joseph, I love you so much. Please, Joseph,  _ please.  _ Please make love to me, please, please, please make love to me.  _ Please. _ ” 

Slowly, Joseph nodded. 

A “ _ Yes!” _ of pure joy tore through John’s lungs as he looped his arms around his brother’s neck once more. Through the burning agony, he felt Joseph start to slide out of him. He dug his heels into his brother in a lame attempt to push him back in. Joseph bent down further, nestling his head above John’s shoulder. John tangled one hand in his long hair, pressing him closer. His other hand dug into the small of Joseph’s back. 

Joseph started to press back in. It still hurt. It still felt like he was being torn in half. John wailed in pleasure. There was no pleasure. Again, a juvenile urge. 

“Joseph, Joseph, Joseph, you’re so big, you’re so good, Joseph, you’re so—”

“ _ John, _ ” his brother hissed into his ear. It was a warning tone. “Do not say things like that.” 

“Sorry, sorry, sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Joseph thrust into him again, earning another exaggerated moan. 

“Am I good, Joseph? Do I feel good? Am I good enough?” 

Joseph nodded against his neck, rolling into his little brother’s body with gentle thrusts and no real rhythm. He may have had a wife, but it was still obvious that he barely knew what he was doing.

John laughed and sobbed. “Yes. I’m so happy. I’m so so happy. I exist only for you, Joseph. So please, that’s why, just look at me.” 

Joseph lifted his head. Before John could ask what he did wrong, his older brother kissed him. His mouth was open. His tongue was against John’s, clumsily rubbing against it. He really had no idea what he was doing. 

It was the best kiss John had ever had.

With an almost silent groan, John came. He didn’t feel it building. He hardly even felt it at all. The only proof it happened was the cum he barely felt on his stomach. Its heat blended with Joseph’s body temperature as his brother’s body smeared it over his skin. Under any other circumstance, he’d be ashamed of how quickly he’d finished. This time though, he couldn’t bring himself to care. Joseph stopped moving.

“John?” he breathed against his brother’s mouth, voice rough and strained. 

“Keep going,” John said. He was surprised at how steady it came out.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Please, Joseph. Please keep going.” 

Another nod followed by a harsher thrust than before. John tried to moan again, but he couldn’t muster the energy. The closest he could get were high pitched gasps. Like a woman. 

He laughed.

The burning started to flow away. Instead, a feeling of simply too much overlapped it. It still hurt, just in a different way. It only worsened as Joseph’s motions became frantic. He was going too fast, and even worse, he was getting sloppier. Deep down, John was happy that his big brother didn’t know how to have sex. 

Joseph pressed further into John, nearly crushing him with his weight and strength. He shuddered and heaved. A whimper slipped from his throat as he came inside John. If it was anyone else, John would mock them for being pathetic. He’d call them a lame dog. But because it was Joseph, it was adorable. It was so innocent and pure considering what act elicited it. 

John ran his fingers through Joseph’s long sweaty mess of hair. He rubbed circles into his brother’s shoulders. He pressed kisses against his neck. 

“You did so good,” John cooed, “You had so much inside you and now you’ve filled me up and now I’m overflowing and now—” 

_ “John, _ ” the roughness in Joseph’s voice couldn’t hold back his disapproving tone, “Stop it.” 

“I’m sorry, Joseph. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” 

Joseph sighed. He made a clumsy motion, slipping himself out of his little brother, and half-rolled to the side, flopping onto his back. 

“Are you content now, John?”

“Ah,” John looked down at his cum-covered stomach and dragged a finger through it, “What a mess. I’ll get a towel.” 

“John.” 

He pushed himself up, ignoring the returning burn in his lower body, and smiled at his older brother. “One second, Joseph. I’ll be right back.” 

John threw his legs over the side of the bed and stood up, only for them to give out. He caught himself, glancing back at Joseph. Of course Joseph noticed. He’d sat up, that beautiful concerned expression directed right at John. 

“Did I hurt you?”

“Of course not. You didn’t do anything. I’m fine, Joseph. Please don’t worry about me.” 

To prove his point, John stood up. Through sheer willpower, he stayed upright. The pain felt worse than ever, as bad as when Joseph first forced himself in. Still he smiled. 

“See?”

“John, maybe I should—”

“No, it’s okay Joseph. Please rest. Please?” 

Joseph nodded at his usual pace, hesitant as ever. 

“Thank you, Joseph. I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

Carefully, John tried to keep a casual gait as he walked to his bathroom. It was hard. More than hard. Especially when he felt Joseph’s semen start moving inside him. He shut the door behind him, casually, of course, and dropped to his knees. Just as the first drops were starting to leak out, he caught them on his fingers. He brought his hand in front of him. When John pictured doing this, he imagined it to be like glue and white as paper. But as he held it in the light, it was foamy and more of an eggshell color. That wasn’t even mentioning the streaks of red mixing in with it. That was probably a bad sign. 

As much as John hated the idea of eating his own blood, he wasn’t going to waste something so precious over something so petty. He opened his mouth wide and shoved his fingers in, scraping them clean with his tongue. 

The taste was foul. Absolutely disgusting. It was bitter like a chemical and salty and metallic like, well, blood. There was a weird aftertaste that was almost sweet, which just made it worse. 

John reached behind himself again, wiping up the last of Joseph’s semen with his finger. He stuck it in his mouth and sucked on it. His sperm would be confused surely. This was not what God intended. Maybe they would try to penetrate his cells, futilely try to impregnate them. It was a nice thought that a part of Joseph that was still living was inside him. 

The door opened and John fell back in a surprised panic.

“John? John!” Joseph hurried to his brother’s side, kneeling by him, “Are you okay? Did you fall?”

“I’m fine,” John said with a smile, “Sorry to worry you.” 

Joseph wrapped an arm around John’s shoulder and set his hand on John’s head. Gently, he pulled his little brother into a hug. 

“Our bodies are temples. You should not push yourself and risk getting injured.” 

“Sorry, Joseph,” John said, but his smile only grew. 

“John, you are still precious to me.” 

He looked up to his older brother. Joseph’s eyes caught the fluorescent light and twisted them into something natural and divine. The adoration and care in those eyes felt like a vivisection. 

John pressed into his brother. His head felt heavy, overfilled with love. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk how to write porn that is porn and not horribly emotionally stunted individuals trying to make connections
> 
> please let me know what you thought of this chapter because if its unbearable i want to know before i write the jacob yiff chapter which is either the next one or the one after


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok look at this  
> a -> b  
> u see this diagram  
> both a and b = chapters with brother buggering  
> the arrow is this chapter
> 
> also i was considering bath chaps because i like scenes like that and then someoen commented something about a bath so here u go dont say i dont listen to my readership

Someone was screaming. 

John curled up on instinct, dragging the sheets over his head. That woman who called herself his new “Mother,” it was always her screaming at night. Always before she dragged him out of bed. Sometimes she would throw him outside in the cold until she decided he was punished. But when she was angry enough to scream, that was when she and that man hit him. They were always careful not to leave marks.

Something had set her off. Maybe John left something out of place. Maybe he’d said something in the wrong tone earlier in the day. But most of the time, he’d done nothing wrong at all. She was just angry and he was there. 

He waited, listening for the door to slam open. 

The screaming was cut by a sob. It occurred to John that the voice belonged to a man. It was familiar. There was something precious about it.

John opened his eyes. 

He threw the blankets off as he rushed onto his knees. 

Joseph had folded himself into a tight fetal pose, his hands fisted in his hair, yanking at the strands and clawing into his scalp. He was dry sobbing, shrieking whenever he had the breath to. 

John grabbed Joseph’s shoulder and one of his wrists, squeezing and shaking his older brother. It was hard to keep a grip. Joseph was drenched in a sickly amount of sweat. The amount of times he’d caught his brother in the middle of hearing the Voice could be counted on a single hand. But even if he saw it daily, it wouldn’t be any less horrifying.

“Joseph!” 

His voice didn’t reach him. Joseph continued to stare in terror at something that wasn’t there. He lifted his hand just to smash it back down into his skull without any warning. 

“Joseph, stop!” John grabbed that hand as he was about to hit himself again, putting all his weight on it. “Please stop hurting yourself!” 

His brother didn’t struggle necessarily, but he kept pushing against John, trying to repeat the same motions. He kicked at nothing. It was horrible. No, more than horrible. John couldn’t think of the right word when his brother was clearly suffering. Like this, Joseph didn’t look like a saint or a prophet. He just looked sick.

John called his brother’s name over and over. It felt like hours of just holding Joseph down and calling for him. Finally, Joseph fell limp. He turned from a rabid animal to a ragdoll. His eyes were still open, still watching nothing. John shook him. No response. Not even a twitch. John wasn’t sure if this was better or worse than before. Carefully, he dragged his brother onto his lap, holding him against his chest. It was an awkward hold. Joseph was heavy enough when he was conscious, now that he was pretty much dead weight, holding him up properly was impossible. But it was better than just letting him lie there. All the other times John had witnessed this, Jacob had been there. His oldest brother always seemed to know what to do. He knew how to hold Joseph down with the least amount of force. Knew how to calm John down, mostly by barking orders at him. While they waited for Joseph to come to, Jacob would talk to John, distracting or reassuring him. Saying it was easy when Jacob was there would be false, but it was  _ easier.  _

John tried to remember what Jacob did. He’d check Joseph’s mouth, chest, and wrists. Well, it was a bit late to do that. Joseph clearly wasn’t choking, his breathing had slowed down, and his heart rate, while fast, wasn’t too concerning. Then Jacob would have John to get things. Salted water. Juice. Something soft if they were in the church or outside. John wasn’t about to leave Joseph, so he’d deal with that later. When he returned, Jacob would have set Joseph onto his side, arms and legs always arranged in a specific way. It was selfish, but John didn’t want to let go of Joseph. It’d be okay. He’d keep a close eye on his brother. 

Joseph blinked. His fingers twitched. He muttered something that John recognized as his name. Slowly, his eyes seemed to focus.

“You…” Joseph’s expression twisted to one on the verge of tears, his accent thick and slurring, almost like he was drunk, “You  _ promised  _ you wouldn’t leave.”

“I’m right here though, Joseph, I was here the whole time. Please believe me. I wouldn’t leave you.” 

Joseph’s brow furrowed. He opened his mouth only to close it. Clumsily, he turned his head, looking around John’s bedroom. That only seemed to confuse him more.

“John?” he sounded scared.

“I’m here, Joseph,” John squeezed his brother closer, “I’m right here, see? I didn’t leave you, I was here the whole time.” 

“Where’s Jacob?”

“He’s in the mountains.”

“I want to see Jacob.” 

John glanced at the clock. It was 2 AM. “I think he’s sleeping. But I’ll call him, and if he answers, and even if he doesn’t, we can go see him.” 

“He’s… sleeping?” 

“Yes, probably, but—”

“No, don’t wake him up. He doesn’t sleep well, he told me that. He needs sleep.” 

John nodded even though Joseph wasn’t looking at him. “When it’s morning, we’ll go see him, okay?” 

“Okay.” 

“How do you feel, Joseph?” 

“I don’t…” 

“You don’t know?” 

Joseph didn’t reply. His eyes drifted shut, almost like he was falling sleep, but he grabbed onto John’s hands. 

“Joseph, do you know where you are?”

Again, no response.

“When you were looking around, what did you see?” 

Joseph opened his mouth as if he was going to reply, but no sound came out. At least until a meek, “John?” 

“Yes, Joseph?” 

“Don’t let me fall asleep.” 

“You should rest though. It’ll make you feel better.” 

His older brother shook his head. “No.” 

“Why not?”

“If I fall asleep, you aren’t there.” 

“Okay, then let’s,” John glanced around, “let’s get you cleaned up. That’ll help you feel better. Can you walk?” 

Joseph opened his eyes. He looked lost again.

“Just put your weight on me. We’ll walk together.” 

John dragged his brother to the edge of the bed. He helped ease his feet onto the floor. Getting him up was a struggle since his movements seemed slow, like Joseph’s time was several seconds before John’s. Even when they both stood, walking with Joseph was like guiding a drunkard. 

It was normal for Joseph to be disoriented after a vision. Most of the time, it only lasted a few hours. Once though, he’d spent almost a day and a half in a daze. That was probably one of the worst 36 hours John had lived through since joining the Project. After a day had passed, he’d started fearing that Joseph wouldn’t fully come back. That his big brother would be trapped in a stunted state forever. If that happened, John would stay by his side of course, but he didn’t know how Eden’s Gate would go on. 

Inside the bathroom, John turned the light on. Joseph flinched. He squeezed his eyes shut, seemingly in pain.

“Are you okay?” 

“Too bright. It hurts.” 

“Sorry,” John flipped the switch again. That was usual too. Once Joseph regained the words to, he’d start complaining about a headache. That was what always happened. John tightened his grip on Joseph instead, just in case he tripped in the dark. 

“John?”

“Yes, Joseph?” 

“Talk to me.”

“Yes, okay, well, first, step over that,” he gestured to his bathtub, though Joseph probably couldn’t see it in the dark, “be careful. You have to lift your leg up higher than that.” 

It was another struggle, but John managed to lower his brother into the tub. If Jacob were there, he could’ve probably just carried Joseph. 

“John?” 

Fear filled Joseph’s voice again. He latched onto John’s hand with both of his. 

“I’m right here,” John said, squeezing his brother’s fingers reassuringly. “I’m going to turn the water on now. Do you want it cold or hot or…?”

“John,” Joseph muttered his name again. Then again. 

“I’m here. How about just warm?” 

“Ah, it’s not…?”

“It’s not what?” 

“...Do as you like.” 

It was a perfect mimic of the night before. Guilt rose up in John like vomit. He pushed Joseph really far last night. Maybe he’d pushed him too far. John wasn’t sure how the Voice worked, but maybe putting Joseph under so much stress and guilting him into doing something he clearly didn’t want to do had triggered it. It hadn’t been John’s intention to manipulate his brother. But there really were no other words for what he’d done. 

He forced a smile even though he wasn’t sure Joseph could see it. 

“Hey now, you don’t mean that. If you want me to change the temperature, just let me know.” 

Joseph replied by saying his name again. 

“I’m here. I won’t leave you. I promise you, Joseph, I promise I’ll never leave you. I love you.” 

“Yes. Love.” 

“You love me too, right, Joseph?” 

“Yes. I love you.” 

“Not as much as I love you,” John laughed. It didn’t feel real. He reached out blindly, feeling for the handle. It took a few seconds, but he found it. “There’s going to be some noise. But I’ll be right here,” he squeezed his brother’s hand again, “I won’t leave you, I promise.” 

Joseph tensed when the water started, either from the noise or the cold water splashing onto his legs. John ran his free hand over his brother’s leg. It was a lame attempt to soothe him, but it was all John could think to do. As soon as the water heated up, he closed the drain. Joseph’s grip on his hand tightened as it started to rise. 

“Is it too hot, Joseph?”

John barely made out Joseph shaking his head. 

“Alright. That’s good. I’m glad. Does it feel nice?” 

“Yes.” 

“See? I told you it would. This always helps me after I remember,” John caught himself. Now was not the time to talk about his past. “It helps me feel better, so I’m glad it helps you too.” 

“I remember,” Joseph started, only to stop abruptly. 

“What do you remember?” 

“I would hear the Voice, but no one would believe me. They would send me away and they would leave me.” 

“Jacob and I won’t leave you. The congregation won’t leave you. We—” 

Joseph dug his nails into John’s skin, “I don’t think she believed me. She told me she believed me, but she left me behind and that’s why I had to—” 

“Well,  _ I  _ believe you!” John snapped. The way that Joseph flinched at his raised voice brought the sick feeling of guilt back, which only made John angrier. “She left you! Jacob and I, we were taken, but we found our way back to you!  _ We  _ are the ones who’ve stood by you! It’s  _ us  _ who brought you this far! She did nothing for you! So why do you still think about her!? Why can’t you think about us? Why can’t you think about  _ me _ !? Can’t you see that you don’t need anyone else? You only need  _ me  _ and Jacob! Me, Joseph!  _ Me!”  _

John turned the water off. With his free hand, he felt around for the bar of soap that a priestess had made. He didn’t want it, but the priestess had insisted he take it as a gift. She ended up an Angel a few days later. 

“I don’t understand you, Joseph,” he said, roughly scrubbing at his brother’s lower legs, “I don’t understand how you don’t see that I’m everything she is and even better. I’ll keep your bed warm, I’ll cook for you, I’ll tend to all your needs, and I’ll always stay by your side. What else do you need!? Is it because I can’t give you a child? Is that it?” 

“John—” 

“That’s why, isn’t it? It’s because I can’t give you a child who’ll just end up dying anyways.” 

Joseph sobbed.

All of John’s rage and jealousy extinguished. It left a void for his remaining guilt to grow into. His skin felt wrong, like it was too tight on his organs, but too loose at the same time. He noticed how cold the air was. Noticed how tight he’d been holding onto Joseph, with enough strength that was painful at the least and bruising at worst. 

John sighed.

“Let’s not talk about this anymore, Joseph.” 

“John,” Joseph’s voice shook. 

“Let’s not talk about the past. Things are better now. We should focus on that and the future.” 

“John.” 

“Hey now,” John set the soap aside to run his fingers over his brother’s scalp, “I’m right here. I’m never leaving you.” He slid his hand to cup his brother’s face, “You know what’ll make you forget about all that? What’ll make you feel better?” 

Joseph didn’t answer. 

“Amazing grace,” John started, mostly said with only a hint of the tune, “how sweet the sound—”

“That saved a wretch like me,” Joseph continued, singing under his breath, “I once was lost, but now am found…” 

John hummed along as Joseph sung. He gently washed his brother without letting go of his hands. The hymn was a good call. John could feel Joseph relax under his hand, most notably how he stopped clawing his nails into John’s skin. When Joseph reached the end, John would just repeat the first line and Joseph would start again. 

The overwhelming sick feeling crept back. No, it never left, it just returned to the forefront of John’s mind as he realized that a part of him was enjoying this. There was nothing wrong with taking pleasure in washing his brother. And he did like washing Joseph. But what he liked most of all was the implication. When he said that all Joseph needed was his brothers, well, of course that wasn’t true. But if it was true, if there was no Project and no congregation and no Collapse, and it was just Joseph relying on him,  _ needing  _ him for even the most basic task, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. He wouldn’t want this stunted personality though. John needed Joseph as Joseph. Having his beloved brother in his full mental capacity react and navigate through depending on John would be complicated. It’d definitely be a struggle for Joseph. But John would be there to support him. He’d be at his beck and call and when it got too hard for Joseph, he’d be there to make it all better. When John was his whole world, Joseph wouldn’t look at anyone else or even think of them. He simply wouldn’t be able to.

John stuffed the nausea down. It was just a fantasy. It wouldn’t ever come true and it wasn’t like it said anything about John’s psyche or feelings. He just wanted the best for Joseph. And the best was keeping his brothers by his side, allowing them to serve him in every way. Especially John.

Carefully, so as not to interrupt Joseph’s calm singing, John leaned down and pressed a kiss to his brother’s hand. Joseph’s voice caught on  _ “thousand years, _ ” but he recovered quickly. 

John laughed, but he still didn’t feel it. 

  
  
  


All the other times Joseph had an episode, John had taken charge in dressing and feeding him. So that part wasn’t hard even without Jacob. By the time the sun had risen, Joseph had regained himself enough that getting him into a car was pretty easy. But he wasn’t back entirely, only to the extent that he followed most directions easily. 

John finally allowed himself to sigh as he drove towards the Whitetail Mountains. Joseph had fallen asleep only minutes after leaving the ranch. He hadn’t let go of John’s hand though. For the most of the morning, he’d remained latched onto it, only parting when he had to. John didn’t mind though. Quite the opposite in fact. 

His radio crackled. It was too muffled to make out the voice. With a hissed snarl, John balanced the wheel on his knee as he brought it to his mouth. 

“What is it!?” he snapped. Too loud, since Joseph stirred. He didn’t wake though.

_ “Where are you, John?”  _ Jacob said, deadpan as unreadable as always.

“Just crossed into your region.” 

_ “So that is you. Pull over.”  _

John learned a long time ago that it was best not to ask how Jacob knew the things he did. “Joseph is with me.” 

_ “Pull over.”  _

“Are you sure that there’s no Whitetails?” 

_ “The border is too far from the Wolf’s Den. It’s safe. I’m almost at the road. Pull over.”  _

Jacob sounded confident, well, as confident as he could sound. So John obeyed. As soon as he engaged the parking brake, Jacob stepped out from the overgrowth with his .50 cal. Again, he learned a long time ago that it was best not to question it. 

“Hey, Joseph,” he squeezed his brother’s hand. “wake up.” 

His brother shifted, slowly opening his eyes.

“John?” 

“See? I’m still here. Jacob’s here too. Look,” John gestured out the windshield. 

“Jacob?” Joseph looked and threw the door open at the sight of his older brother, “Jacob.” 

As soon as Joseph stepped out, his pose and gait shifted back to his usual authoritative saunter. John laughed. God, he loved his brother so much. 

“Joseph,” Jacob slung his rifle over his shoulder. He spread his arms wide and caught Joseph in a tight hug. John wondered if he noticed Joseph’s limited reaction. Of course he did. Jacob always did. John stepped beside them setting a hand on Joseph’s shoulder. It was out of affection of course, but also a petty gesture. Saying that he was jealous would be an exaggeration. But yes, tendrils of a similar emotion swirled in his stomach. 

“Jacob,” Joseph started, then paused. He hesitantly hugged his brother back, as if he just remembered he was supposed to do that. “Didn’t you hear me, Jacob?” 

“Hear you?” Jacob gently pried Joseph away, putting a small distance between them, “Are you okay, Joseph?” 

“He had a vision,” John said. 

“The Voice?”

“What else?” 

Jacob frowned ever so slightly. “How long ago?”

“About four hours.” 

He grunted in response, turning his attention back to Joseph and sliding his fingers into his brother’s beard to cup his face. “You’re doing very good for only four hours, Joseph.” 

Joseph nodded. It was obvious to both his brothers that he didn’t exactly comprehend. 

“What did you see?” Jacob asked.

“Fire. We needed to take sanctuary. But I called for you two and you did not come. And I looked, but I could not find you. Even when the flames died, I could not find you. I was alone,” Joseph set his hands over Jacob’s, “You left me alone.” 

“We didn’t, Joseph,” John said, hugging his brother from behind, “We’re right here.” 

“We won’t leave you, Joseph. We promised that, remember?”

The tragic lost expression returned as Joseph’s gaze faltered, “But I saw it.”

“We believe you,” Jacob said, “but it might have been just a warning.” 

“A warning?” Joseph looked back to his brother, “It was a warning?” 

“Maybe.” 

“But,” fear crept into his voice, “aren’t I on the right path? Aren’t I doing the right thing?” 

“Maybe,” John said, “it’s a warning about what will happen if you step off that path.” 

Jacob glared at his youngest brother, “John.” 

“Or it might not be literal. Like Jacob said, we made a promise. We will never leave you.” 

Slowly, Joseph nodded. He didn’t seem convinced. 

“Come here,” Jacob slid his hands out from under Joseph’s to grab them, “I will take you somewhere safe where you can recover.” 

“He’s fine with me,” John said, barely hiding back his irritation. “I’ve taken care of him so far.” 

“I don’t doubt that. But don’t forget your duties. Your Resistance decided to launch an attack on several Bliss shipments last night. I sent in my men to take care of it, but I won’t do it again. Don’t let it happen again.” 

John bit back the urge to say something toxic and petty. If Joseph weren’t right there, he probably would have. He pulled back, arms sliding off his brother. Joseph turned around, watching him. 

“You are leaving me, John?”

“No, I just need to take care of a few apostates. I’ll see you soon, I promise.” 

“John,” Joseph reached out for his little brother. Just like the night before. John couldn’t say no to the offer. He stepped into the hug, wrapping his own arms around his brother, twice as tight. John pressed his nose into Joseph’s neck. He still smelled like himself somehow with only a hint of extra sweetness. 

“I love you, Joseph. I love you so much.” 

“I love you too, John. You will see me soon?”

John pulled away just enough so that their eyes met. Joseph’s eyes were even more brilliant in sunlight. He didn’t know the next time he’d get a chance, so he leaned in and gently kissed his brother. Joseph didn’t react at all. Didn’t even tense up or freeze. 

“John,” Jacob said. Several meanings were contained within his name. The main one was  _ “Any affection in Joseph’s current state would just be taking advantage of him.”  _ Or maybe that was the guilt from last night.

“Okay,” John took a deep breath and parted from his beloved brother. Joseph still watched him, at least until Jacob took his hand again. 

“John?” Joseph called out.

“Soon, Joseph. I promise.” 

“I have faith.” 

“Goodbye, John,” Jacob said, “I’ll see you later.” 

“Yeah,” John gave a curt nod. He wondered how petty it seemed. “Take care of Joseph.” 

John turned his back on his brothers, only looking back three or four times to capture a final glimpse of Joseph. After the first, he only saw Joseph’s back as Jacob led him into the trees. The sight made his eyes burn. When his older brothers fully vanished from sight, John climbed back into the still-running car. He dipped his forehead against the wheel. Not with enough force that it hurt, but enough that he felt it. 

“I love you, Joseph,” he said to nothing. “I love you so  _ so fucking  _ much.” 

He ground the heel of his palm into his eyes, taking a deep shuddering breath.

  
  


Jacob didn’t bring Joseph to the veteran’s center or his bunker. He and John were always careful to not the let the congregation see the Father like this. The Voice was supposed to be a holy and righteous thing. It was supposed to be powerful and divine. It was not supposed to throw their prophet into a catatonic state. It was not supposed to reduce their shepherd into a stunted idiot. The Voice was not supposed be indistinguishable from a mental illness. 

So instead, Jacob led Joseph to an abandoned farmhouse. Maybe abandoned wasn’t the right word. Jacob himself had thrown the couple who lived there to the Judges. During the hours he wanted to be alone, but the weather wasn’t fitting for the riverbank, Jacob would come here. His soldiers didn’t question why he had them include this property in their patrol. Just the outside though. He’d given them explicit instructions not to investigate the inside. The locks still worked and Jacob had the only remaining key, so returning there only to find it busted open just wasn’t appealing. Also privacy. He hadn’t needed privacy before Joseph accepted his and John’s feelings. But it was nice to have a place that could be Jacob Seed’s, as in what remained of the person, and not Jacob Seed’s, as in the soldier or Herald. 

As Jacob unlocked the door, Joseph finally stopped muttering the words to “Amazing Grace.” He’d done it for the whole hike. While humming hymns during a quiet moment was pretty standard for Joseph, repeating a single hymn over and over wasn’t. His words did have melody in them, but it didn’t feel like real singing. It was closer to the rituals that Jacob used to do to soothe himself. 

“Jacob?” 

He looked to his younger brother, pushing the door open. “Joseph.” 

“You and John are all I need?” 

It took Jacob a moment to realize it was a question. He frowned.

“No, you don’t need us. We need you.” 

Joseph’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Then I misheard.” 

“Misheard what?” Jacob sighed and guided Joseph inside, “Did John tell you that?” 

“Yes.” 

Jacob closed the door, locking it. “Joseph, right now, you shouldn’t think about anything John said. You know how John is.” 

Judging from Joseph’s expression, no, he didn’t. At least not for now. 

“Have you eaten yet?” 

“Yes. John fed me.” 

“Good. Are you thirsty? Tired?”

“My head hurts.” 

Jacob nodded, “Sleep will help. Come on,” he tugged his brother down a hallway, toward the only bedroom. He’d torn the other apart. Joseph followed obediently. If there was one good thing about him after a vision, he was easy to deal with. Unlike his usual self, he didn’t wander off or start randomly preaching. If one of his Heralds weren’t there to guide him, he would just stay in place, staring into nothing. 

Joseph sat on the bed without instruction, but he didn’t lay down. He watched Jacob.

“Sleep, Joseph. You’ll feel better.” 

“Are you leaving me?”

“I’ll be in the other room,” Jacob gestured toward his radio, “My soldiers will report in and I don’t want to disturb you.” 

Joseph frowned, “You said you would stay by me. You promised.” 

“I’m not leaving. I’ll be right outside.” 

“But if I call for you, will you come this time?” 

“Yes, Joseph. I will always answer you.”

Joseph didn’t look convinced. 

“Okay,” Jacob said, sitting beside his brother, “I’ll stay here with you. But you need to sleep. Get better quickly. We need you back.” 

“Thank you, Jacob,” Joseph smiled, and finally laid back. He was on top of the covers. That little fact slightly irritated Jacob. He shoved it down though. The weather was mild and Joseph was still in his clothes after all. It would do no harm. 

A few moments passed. 

Joseph’s eyes were still open, directed at Jacob.

“Please go to sleep, Joseph.” 

“I want to know that you’re still here.” 

Jacob hesitated. His initial urge to kiss his brother’s fears away was a horrible idea. He felt guilty for the thought. Hell, he’d even scolded John for the same thing. His next impulse wasn’t as bad, but it was still inappropriate. Any anything beyond brotherly affection would be. Still though, when Joseph was looking at him with such a nervous and pleading expression, Jacob started to wonder if it’d even cause any harm. 

“Okay,” Jacob set his radio on the bedside table before laying beside Joseph. He rested his head on his brother’s chest, slowly lowering the weight on the scarred flesh. When Joseph didn’t complain, or even really react, he draped an arm over his brother’s stomach. Jacob took a further chance and rested a leg on Joseph’s. It was an immature position. But he knew that Joseph would indulge him even after he recovered. 

Jacob couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept with someone. Not sex, although that applied too. Even before Iraq, he just didn’t. And afterwards, not only did he lose all interest in sex, sleeping beside someone was a serious hazard. Several times a week, he’d wake up in an enraged panic and lash out at the nearest object. It wasn’t like he thought he was still in the desert. And it wasn’t like he felt like he was either. A closer statement would be that the impulses and emotions were a caricature of what he should have felt. 

So that meant that the last time he’d slept near someone was in the desert. With Miller. He wasn’t sure if that still counted since he killed and ate Miller the next day, but on a purely technical level, he supposed that it did. Miller was also probably the last person he’d had sex with. But he promised himself that he wouldn’t dwell on that. After joining Eden’s Gate, he’d made a resolution to never think about that part of himself. If he never gave it any thought, then it didn’t exist. 

This thing with Joseph was probably a violation of that. 

“I just realized,” Joseph said, throwing Jacob out of his thoughts, “that you and John are alike.” 

Even though Jacob knew he didn’t mean it as an insult, it still felt like one. 

“How so?” he asked.

“This is how John slept too.” 

Jacob grunted in response. A part of him wanted to ask more about what his brothers did last night. But he also wasn’t sure he wanted to know and asking Joseph right now would definitely be another inappropriate step. He’d ask when Joseph was better. When he was capable of choosing what he wanted to divulge. 

Joseph settled his hand on Jacob’s shoulder and his other on Jacob’s forearm. He did it so casually that it seemed out of habit. Maybe this was how he held his wife. It said a lot about Joseph that three of his partners curled up onto him like this. At least, it did to Jacob. 

“Don’t leave me, Jacob,” Joseph said.

“I won’t. I’ll stay with you forever. I’m your soldier.”

“I do not want a soldier. I want my brother.” 

“I can be both.” 

“Yes,” Joseph nodded, finally closing his eyes, “You can.” 

  
  


Jacob woke up. And that was it. There was no burst of rage. No bound tension that needed to be released. He just woke up. It didn’t even feel like he’d fallen asleep at all. 

“How do you feel?” 

Joseph’s voice had changed. Or rather, it was back to normal. Jacob looked up into his brother’s face. Joseph watched him with a gentle saintly expression. 

“You’re back,” Jacob said. 

“Yes. My apologies for being a burden.” 

“No, it’s not your fault.” 

“It is not,” Joseph admitted, “but I hate it nonetheless. What kind of man am I that I can’t always be there to provide for my family? If something were to happen while I was in such a state, then I would lose everything.” 

Even though he didn’t say it, Jacob could hear “ _ again”  _ ringing in his ears. 

“That’s not true,” Jacob said, “You have me and John. And Faith. We will protect you and the Project no matter what. Don’t worry about that. Just have faith in us.” 

“I do,” Joseph said. 

“Joseph, what is it like?” 

“The Voice is like a clap of thunder.” 

“No,” Jacob shook his head against his brother’s chest, “Afterwards.” 

Joseph didn’t answer right away. He took a few seconds, clearly thinking. “It’s slow. Fragmented. There are thoughts, but they do not feel like mine. And I can’t create any that are mine. They are born, but do not connect. It is like having pieces of a puzzle laid out in front of me, but I have no hands to reach out with and put them together.” 

“Sounds awful.” 

“It is. Even in the moment, I know that I’ve lost a part of myself. It’s,” he paused, “terrifying.” 

Jacob squeezed his brother. 

“You shouldn’t have to suffer like this,” he said.

“It is not my choice, but it is what God has given to me.” 

Jacob swallowed his doubt. “I want to protect you. I don’t know how to protect you from this.” 

“You have protected me. You and John cared for me and watched for me. You soothed me when all I knew was fear.” 

“John,” Jacob paused, “You said that John said things to you.” 

“He did.” 

“You didn’t go into detail earlier.” 

“I know,” Joseph said, “because it is not worth it. John only expressed feelings that I knew he felt. I just wasn’t aware of the extent.” 

“Should I talk to him?”

“John is my brother too, Jacob. I do not need you to fight every battle of mine.” 

“Are you going to talk to him about it though? Or will you just let it continue?” 

Joseph frowned. “How much did I tell you?” 

“Not much, but I know John.” 

“He hasn’t always been like this.” 

“No, he has. He just knows how to adapt, how to camoflauge. After pretending for so long, you internalize it. Become it. But he can express himself now. That’s all he’s doing. John has always been like this, he was only hiding it from everyone.” 

“So then,” Joseph’s grip on Jacob’s arm tightened, “it is not my fault?”

“No. It’s not.” 

“And what about you?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“Do not hide yourself from me, Jacob. I have accepted you and I will always accept you.” 

Jacob grunted. 

“Jacob?”

“You slept with John.” 

“I did.” 

“Did you have sex with him?”

“I did.” 

“How was it?” 

Joseph sighed. “I am not sure if this a subject we should talk about.” 

“You don’t need to tell me everything.” 

“...Okay. What do you want me to tell you?” 

“Did you enjoy it?” 

“I...” Joseph’s grip tightened again. “It was physically pleasurable. I was able to orgasm. John did much to accommodate me.” 

“But did you enjoy it?”

“I don’t know.” 

“Would you do it again?”

“If John wanted to. But I am unsure if he will.” 

Jacob frowned, “Why?”

“He was crying. Sobbing. He looked like he was in pain, but he wanted me to continue. He said such vulgar things and he tried to do this filthy act and… It felt like he was trying to prove something. I tried to reassure him, but I didn’t know how to. I didn’t know what he wanted. I still don’t understand it.” 

“John is John, Joseph.”

“Yes. John is John.” 

“And if I asked you to,” Jacob thought of the right word, “have intercourse with me, would you?” 

“I already told you I would.” 

“Would you enjoy it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay. “ 

“Are we going to commit it now?”

“Commit it? What? No. You just had a vision.” 

Joseph nodded. Hints of relief leaked onto his expression. “Then when?”

“Never if you keep thinking of it as something to commit.” 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“Don’t try to sweet talk me, Joseph,” Jacob pushed himself up off his brother, “I’m not like John.”

Joseph sat up, reaching out, “I know, Jacob, but—” 

“When you stop thinking of my devotion, my love, as something sinful, then we can. You need to come to me though. I’m not going to be like John and beg for any scrap of affection,” Jacob stood, “I respect you too much for that.” 

“John respects me too.” 

“Does he? Is that what you call respect?”

Joseph stared at Jacob. He looked hurt. Slowly, his head lowered, gaze falling to his lap.

“He loves you though,” Jacob said, “and I love you. That’s why I’m doing this. I want our relationship to be on your terms.” 

“Why not yours?”

“Because if you let me get away with it, I’m afraid I’ll be as bad as John.” 

Joseph looked up, “So far it seems like all these restrictions are on your terms though.” 

“You’re not setting boundaries.” 

“I am an adult, Jacob. I can set my own boundaries when I need to. Have faith in me.” 

“Joseph,” Jacob sighed, “Are you really content with this?” 

“I love you and John. I need my brothers by my side. A single misstep and I will lose both of you.” 

Jacob shook his head, “That’s just what John said. Don’t believe him, he’s—”

“He is right.” 

“No. Joseph, you say that you have faith in us and you ask us to have faith in you, but you don’t have faith that we won’t leave you.” 

“Jacob.” 

Joseph’s voice was firm.

Jacob sighed again. “Okay. Okay. This is the last time I’ll set a boundary for you. After this, I won’t hold myself back. I’ll do what I want.”

“Yes.” 

“Is this really what you want?”

Joseph nodded. 

“I don’t want you to regret this.” 

“Jacob.”

“Okay. I’ll stop. Come on,” Jacob held his hand out, “I’ll heat up some food and then I’ll bring you back to your compound.” 

Joseph took Jacob’s hand without hesitation, smiling serenely. He was stunning. Absolutely angelic in his purity. Jacob would fight a million wars if it meant that Joseph could go on smiling like that. 

“Do as you like,” Joseph said, kindly squeezing his brother’s fingers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so i still havent read absolution and i couldnt find any description of what the voice is actually like online and i dont remember any scenes with it from my playthroughs and i cant say i know what hearing the voice of god is like but i sure know what an explicit flashback and recovering from a psychotic episode is like so fuck it
> 
> sorry i know its mostly just talking but i hope its still an enjoyable update!! thanks for reading


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i s2g i have been working on this fic this chapter is just a fucking marathon ok  
> speaking of fucking  
> heres the longest piece of fiction afaik that involves jacob seed and joseph seed banging  
> if you want to skip to the porn u fucking perv, just ctrl-f "Eden's Gate" and yes i'm going to pretend that was intentional  
> but again, if you're expecting sexy porn  
> y i k e s srry buddy

Jacob stared at the river’s ripples, ignoring the footsteps from behind. If it was a Whitetail, he’d already be dead. If it was a soldier, he would have heard their Judge. That left two possibilities.

“I’m going to have to find a new hiding place, aren’t I?” he asked, gesturing lightly around the riverbank. “I come here to get away from things, not so you can come to me with your issues.”

“What if I am not here with my issues?” 

Jacob whisked around. It wasn’t John or Faith, it was Joseph. Joseph with his hair down and wearing some very un-preacherly clothes. He didn’t even look like a member of the congregation. He looked like a regular civvie. Jacob wasn’t aware that the Father owned any shirts that were, well, normal. It was still a button-up though. If it was a pullover or, Lord, a T-shirt, then that would’ve been a definite sign of the apocalypse. Joseph set down a tackle box and sat beside Jacob. He had a fishing rod in the other hand, grabbing it in the middle. To say it was a surreal sight would be the understatement of Jacob’s life. 

There were a million questions he wanted to ask. He settled on, “How did you find me?” 

“Faith told me where you were.” 

“Did she question anything?”

“No. And no, I was not dressed like this nor did I have any of this with me when I asked,” Joseph said, manhandling the poor rod. It wasn’t clear what he was trying to do.

“Speaking of that,” Jacob reached back, pulling the tackle box closer, “Why?” 

“Last week, when I was with John, he cooked. It was fantastic, Jacob. But this fish he made, it was immaculate,” Joseph twisted at the reel. Watching him was almost painful.

“You could ask him to make it again. He’d be more than happy to.” 

“I have heard countless times through my life that it tastes better if you prepare it yourself. I needed to see if it was possible to best that taste. And,” Joseph looked up at his brother, smiling, “I wanted an excuse to spend time with you.” 

Jacob swallowed. He held his hand out. Joseph glanced back down to the rod, almost glaring at it, before giving it over. Jacob still didn’t know what he was trying to do, but he lifted the bale arm and started threading the pole. 

“It helps that you know what you’re doing,” Joseph said.

“You’ve fished before, haven’t you?”

“No. Not really.” 

“I’ll teach you,” Jacob closed the arm and turned back toward the tackle box. Whoever packed it really had no idea what they were doing. He wasn’t sure what the use of ten exactly alike spinners were. 

“I cannot promise that it will remain in my mind.” 

“Then I’ll teach you again.” 

Joseph’s smile grew. Jacob looked away. Then he remembered what Joseph had said the week before. No more boundaries. He looked back to his younger brother, reaching out and setting his free hand on his cheek. Joseph watched him. His smile wavered, but only for a second. 

“You can go ahead,” Joseph said. He pressed into Jacob’s palm. It was just an act, Jacob knew that, but it was too easy to ignore that and play along. He set the rod on the ground before leaning into his brother. The first, no, more like fifth or sixth thing that Jacob noticed were the cuts on Joseph’s lips. From a distance, they were impossible to see. Touching them was another story. Each one was a line of sudden roughness cradled between the slightest bit of swelling. There were so many that anyone would’ve noticed. 

Jacob pulled away, “Joseph, what—” 

Joseph grabbed the sides of his head and yanked him back into the kiss. It was a jerky motion, mechanical even. In other words, it was an obvious fake. Jacob cared, he really did, he just didn’t act on that care. With a hand on his little brother’s shoulder, he eased him down, pressing his back to the rocks. It was probably uncomfortable. Jacob never laid back here because getting stabbed by rocks got really annoying after the first few seconds. If Joseph was bothered by it though, he didn’t show it. He kissed Jacob in a manner completely alike to how he’d initiated. Despite that, he was still clumsy. Like he didn’t really understand his own motions. Jacob hadn’t talked to John outside of what was necessary for the Project since last week, but he regretted not asking at least about Joseph’s level of experience. So far, it didn’t seem like very much.

When Jacob tried to deepen the kiss, Joseph froze. As Jacob backed off, parting just enough to give Joseph some space, his little brother smiled. 

The urge to protect rose inside of Jacob. It was ridiculous. Even calling it “protective” was ridiculous. It was an understatement, to be more exact. If he were being honest, it was more the urge to lay his life down at Joseph’s feet. He wasn’t suicidal. It wasn’t anything like that. There wasn’t an appeal to death, nor was there any fear surrounding it. It was a fact of life. But dying for Joseph’s sake? There was a definite appeal to that. 

Putting it simply, seeing Joseph’s smile made him want to die, but in a good way.

Joseph ran his fingers over Jacob’s cheek and through his beard. It must have seemed like an odd pause from his perspective.  

“I do want to catch a fish,” he said.

“Yeah. We will.” 

“Thank you,” Joseph tapped his hands against Jacob’s shoulders. His older brother didn’t move. “Jacob?”

Jacob stared down at Joseph, watching his expression. He didn’t look scared. Only affectionate. Maybe a little confused. 

Finally, Jacob pushed himself off his brother. He picked up the rod again and tapped the tackle box. “Did you pack this?”

“Yes,” Joseph sat up, “Is it obvious?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you teach me later?” 

Jacob nodded, “Let me know when and I’ll bring the supplies next time. That way I can show you.” 

“Thank you. I’d really like that.” 

“Yeah,” Jacob nodded again, “Me too.” 

Joseph watched intensely as Jacob threaded the lure and fastened it to the rod. When Jacob offered the rod back to him, he hesitantly took it.

“Do you know how to cast it?” Jacob asked.

“I… Maybe.” 

Jacob laughed. Joseph looked to his face, surprised. Had it really been so long since Jacob laughed around his brother? He didn’t know. It was okay though, since Joseph started to laugh too. His started in his usual subdued chuckle. Then it turned into the laugh from their childhood, awkward and chest-deep. 

“I thought you just,” Joseph said through his laughter, “swung it.” 

Jacob shook his head, “No, that’s how you get a hook in your ear.” 

“Have you done that before?”

“It wasn’t my ear. I snagged a buddy right,” Jacob tapped the back of his head, “around here.” 

Joseph laughed harder. He took a deep breath, shaking his head. “You should show me then.” 

“Okay, okay,” Jacob let out a last chuckle and held up the rod for Joseph to see, “First, you grip the reel. Do what’s comfortable. For me it’s right between my fingers, see? Then you hold the line in, open this,” he flipped the bail, “then you’re ready.” 

He closed the bail and held the rod out to Joseph who took it. He looked it over like a foreign object before copying Jacob’s hold. “Okay.”

“Then,” Jacob stood up and offered his hand. Joseph took it easily and his older brother pulled him up. “You point the end toward the water,” he modeled the pose, “pull it up, then when it’s coming back, you let go of the line.” 

Jacob repeated the motion several times until Joseph nodded. 

“Roger?”

“Yes. Ah, roger.” 

Struggling to bite down another round of laughter, Jacob patted his brother’s shoulder, “Go ahead then. Give it a try.” 

Joseph took a deep breath. He spent several seconds lining the pole up with the Henbane, even though the other shore was yards away. There were a few false starts as Joseph jerked his arms up an inch only to lower them again. He glanced at Jacob, then back at the rod. In a motion that was smoother, but still pretty stiff, Joseph swung the rod up. 

The lure flew backwards. Thankfully he didn’t flinch, so it only lodged itself in a bush instead of flailing around. Joseph just accepted fate, staring at the line.

“Perhaps you should do it,” he said. 

“No, you let go too early. You did good with everything else. And you wanted to catch a fish yourself. It doesn’t count if I catch it for you.”

“Yes, but,” Joseph tugged at the line, “if we both make an effort, then it will taste better for both of us. We’ll share the rewards.” 

“I’m not sure if it works that way, Joseph,” Jacob walked to the foliage and untangled the lure, “Knowing you cooked it will make it better anyways.”

“You only say that because you haven’t had John’s cooking yet.” 

“You’re praising John so much and you haven’t tasted anything I’ve made yet. You can reel it back in now.”

Joseph nodded, pulling on the reel, “You can cook?”

“I can cook. Will it be as flashy as John’s? No. But it’ll probably be healthier.” 

“I see. It would still be better than mine. I barely know the basics.”

“That’s all you need,” Jacob returned to his brother’s side, “Okay. Give it another try. Wait to feel it coming forward, that’s when you let go.”

Another nod. Joseph pulled the rod up. This time, the lure went in the right direction, hitting the water with a weak splash. 

“That was,” he paused, “much more stressful than it needed to be.”

“You’ll get better.”

“What now? Do I just wait?”

“You’ll feel it when they bite. Might take a bit.” 

“I see,” Joseph frowned, then smiled, “There is a definite appeal.” He looked at Jacob, “Do you enjoy this?”

Jacob shrugged, “I don’t have an opinion either way. Something to do.” 

“That’s relieving. I had concerns that being my Heralds would burden you and John too much.” 

“Not Faith?”

“Her duties are inherently burdening. If they become too much, I will find another. Ah,” Joseph glanced to Jacob again, “Don’t tell her I said that.”

Jacob decided against pointing out that she was already more than aware, and sat down instead. “Get comfortable. This might take a bit.”

“I’ll still feel it?”

“As long as you pay attention.” 

Joseph nodded and settled in beside his brother. He inhaled sharply as Jacob draped an arm around his back. If Jacob had done the same motion before, back when they were just brothers and nothing else, he knew Joseph wouldn’t have the same reaction. He might’ve thought it was odd, but he wouldn’t have that momentary panic. Jacob didn’t know how to feel about that. It wasn’t like anything changed on his part. It felt like he’d always loved Joseph. Everything he did was tainted by that.

Jacob pulled Joseph closer, forcing his little brother to lean into him. He watched his face. Slowly, Joseph turned and gave him a smile. The fact that it was obviously fake didn’t matter. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


It only took about thirty minutes to get a bite, but it was only after two hours they finally caught a fish. They only caught the last one because Jacob put his hands over Joseph’s and pretty much did it for him. He convinced Joseph that it still counted as his catch because Jacob’s hands weren’t directly on the rod. Convinced was probably the wrong word. More accurately, Joseph didn’t argue and went along with it. 

“You’re supposed to clean this?” Joseph said, holding up the bass as if it was suspicious as he followed Jacob.

“I’ll show you how to.”

“And then bake it?”

“Bass is better fried.” 

“I’ve never fried anything. Seems risky. It’d be a waste to ruin the meal after all this effort.”

“We’ll build a fire then. Roast it the natural way. Simplest way to do it.” 

“I trust your judgement, Jacob,” Joseph said. It sounded painfully sincere. “Where are we going? Are we almost there?”

“Are you tired? I can carry you,” Jacob lifted up the tackle box and shook the rod in his other hand, “You’ll need to hold these for me though.” 

“I…” Joseph hesitated, “would not be comfortable with that.”

“It was a joke, Joseph.” 

“Oh. Yes. That makes more sense. Sorry, Jacob, it’s a bit hard to tell when you’re joking.” 

“Yeah. I know,” he glanced towards his brother, “Do you want me to work on it? I could copy John.”

“No,” Joseph’s tone was firm, “That would be distressing, to say the least.” 

“Yeah. I agree.” 

“If you changed at all, that would be distressing.” 

“I don’t plan on it.” 

“When you avoided me for so long,” Joseph’s pace slowed as he paused. When he spoke again, his voice was quiet. “I was scared.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“I asked God what I did wrong every day. He never answered me. I thought you were going to leave Eden’s Gate. I… I thought you were going to abandon me.” 

“Joseph, I’m sorry.” 

“I’m not trying to guilt you, Jacob. I just felt sick with guilt and I don’t have anyone else to convey that to. I can’t tell John because… John is John. And there’s no one else I can tell because they’d see my sin and be disgusted.” 

“They wouldn’t be disgusted with you,” Jacob sighed. 

Joseph didn’t respond.

“And you still feel guilty, don’t you? You’re still blaming yourself. But now you have to endure your brothers touching you. You have to deal with us loving,” Jacob caught himself, “ _ lusting  _ after you. It’s worse.” 

“No. It is not. Because you’re by my side again.” 

“Is that all that matters?” 

“Yes. I’ll endure anything for you and John.”

Jacob sighed again, “I don’t want you to.” 

“But…” Joseph took a deep breath, “Do you really think of me like that?” 

“Like what? Do you mean did I really love you for so long? Yeah, I did.” 

“No, I mean,” another deep breath. Joseph grabbed onto Jacob’s shoulder, forcing his older brother to stop walking and look at him. His gaze was sharp, the same as when he was taking a confession. “Do you lust after me?” 

“Joseph, I’ve told you that I want to have sex with you.” 

“Yes, but that can also be done out of love.” 

Jacob stared. “Does the difference really matter?” 

“It does.” 

“Even if I only loved you as my brother, I would still think you’re attractive. But I wouldn’t want to have sex with you.”

Relief washed over Joseph’s face. Only to vanish as his brow furrowed and his eyes narrowed. His grip on Jacob tightened. 

“What?” Jacob kept his face straight.

“You would still find me  _ attractive _ ?” 

Jacob closed his eyes as he groaned at his slip-up. “Joseph, I meant handsome.”

“No, if you meant handsome, you would have said handsome. I would say a man is handsome, but I would never describe another man as  _ attractive. _ ” 

“Joseph—”

“Jacob, are you a—”

“I’m not talking about this with you right now.” 

“No, Jacob, I—”

“Joseph, I’m not going to discuss this with you while you’re holding a fish.” 

His little brother frowned, but he didn’t argue.

Jacob turned away and continued walking. After a few moments passed, he heard Joseph’s footsteps behind him. 

  
  
  
  
  


“I thought you were going to teach me that,” Joseph said as he watched Jacob scrape at the bass with his knife. It was obvious that Joseph was trying to sound normal, but his tone was too stale. 

The rest of the walk to the abandoned farmhouse was in silence. In fact, those were the first words either of them had said. Joseph followed Jacob at a distance as Jacob unlocked the door and set their equipment down. He looked like he’d wanted to say something when Jacob yanked the fish from his hand, but he ended up shutting his mouth. When Jacob set the fish down on a work table by the door, Joseph stayed at a distance. 

“You can learn by watching.” 

“I learn better by doing.” 

“Joseph,” Jacob took a deep breath, “I need to do something with my hands right now or else I’m going to break something.” 

There wasn’t an immediate response. Jacob wiped away the scales onto the ground.

“That’s my answer then,” Joseph said quietly, “Isn’t it?”

“Your answer to what.” Jacob tried not to let his frustration leak into his tone, but as a result, his voice was flatter than ever. 

“I asked John the same thing. And he said no. But you have not.” 

Jacob slid the knife near the bass’s tail. The cut was too deep at first. A sloppy mistake. 

“I don’t know what answer to give, Joseph.”

“The truth. Are you a homosexual?”

“You know something, Joseph?” Jacob opened the fish, pulling out its organs with his finger, “I hate that. Females— Women are for breeding, men are for companionship. So because of that, because of the way I see it, that suddenly makes me something.” 

“I don’t understand, Jacob.” 

“Women are weak, Joseph. They’re soft and emotional. Men do things. They get things done. They’re strong. Powerful. Which would you rather have at your side?”

“I don’t know what you want me to say. I can’t approve of this. It’s wrong. It is a sin.”

Jacob looked up at Joseph. “It’s wrong, but you had sex with John anyways. Is it different because he’s our brother? Or is it because you didn’t want it?”

Joseph’s mouth parted, only slightly, just enough to display his hurt. He looked aside. 

“No, it’s not different. It was still wrong.” 

“But you’re disgusted by me anyways.” 

“I’m not disgusted by you, Jacob.” 

“Don’t lie to me.” 

Joseph sighed in frustration, “No, I am not disgusted by you. It is the thought that—”

“That I’ve had sex with other men?”

“Have you?”

“Yeah. Not since coming here. Not since Iraq. But yes, I have.” 

“And this whole time,” Joseph’s voice was calm, which honestly made it worse, “while you have been leading my flock, you have been looking at men in this manner?”

“No,” Jacob looked back to the bass. He scraped the inside with more force than it needed. “Since coming back, I haven’t had the interest. Only with you, Joseph. I’ve only looked at you.”

“I see.”

“And even before, I’ve never looked at someone the way I looked at you. I noticed their strength. But I admire you. I respect you. I want to follow you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” Jacob sliced into the fins, “I’m not sure if that’s better or worse.” 

“It’s better.” 

“The fact that your brother wants to have sex with only you is better than the thought that he’d have sex with other men?”

“That is not what I said, Jacob.” 

“How are you going to tolerate me touching you now? You don’t even know how many other men I’ve touched in the same way.” 

“But,” Joseph finally met his eyes again, “did you love them?”

“No.”

“And you love me.”

“I do.”

“Then it’s different.” 

Jacob sighed. He set the knife aside. “Is it? Love makes it all okay?”

“No, it’s still not okay, but it is better.” 

Holding back another sigh, Jacob stared at his brother. Slowly, he shook his head and picked up the cleaned bass. “Okay,” he started for the door, “You know best. You’re the Father.” 

“I am not the Father.”

Jacob glanced back.

“I mean I am. But not right now. Right now, I am only Joseph.” 

“And God is okay with you taking the mantle off like that?”

“It is better than defiling my position as the Father.” 

Arguing would’ve been a waste and the fish was still dripping blood. Jacob pushed the door open and headed right for the sink. He dropped it in and started cold water, not bothering to look up when he heard Joseph shut the door. 

“Did you watch me?” Jacob asked, “Do you know how to clean a fish now?”

“I could not focus. Apologies.”

“It’s fine.”

“Will you teach me next time?”

“Next time?” he looked over his shoulder at Joseph.

“Yes. You already promised.” 

“I’m surprised you want to do this again with me.” 

“Why? Because you are attracted to men?”

“Joseph, I’ve attended every mass you’ve held. I’ve heard what you said about people like me,” he turned back to the sink, starting to scrub his hands, “Degenerates. Addicts. Sex fiends. Rapists. Pedophiles. I don’t believe that just because I’m your brother, your stance will have changed.”

“It has not.” 

“So you’re telling me that you’re fine with being alone around me? I’m stronger than you, Joseph. I could hold you down. Do what I want.” 

“You said you wanted to protect me.” 

“Yeah,” Jacob nodded. He turned the water off. “I did.” 

“And even if you did, I would not fight you. I would consent. I have decided this.”

Jacob turned toward his brother, “You decided that as a precaution, didn’t you?” 

Joseph looked at the filthy tiled flood. He didn’t respond.

“Yes. You did. You really think there’s a risk of me doing that. Did you decide that only now or was it before?”

“Before. When I was in the church, at the moment you saved me, I decided this. I’ve already led you and John into sin, if I were to resist, that’d mean you would be committing another sin. If I consent, then it is merely the one.” 

“You don’t think we can control ourselves?”

Joseph’s gaze returned to him with a dire intensity, “You fell in love with me. Your own brother. That does not speak towards self-control.” 

“And the fact that the moment I believed I was at risk of losing control, the instant there was a chance I couldn’t hold back my feelings, that I removed myself from the situation, that I distanced myself to keep you safe, that doesn’t speak to anything? Joseph, you think that was hard for you, but what about me? You think it was any easier? Joseph, you’re the reason I’m alive. You’re why I go on living. Being without you was worse than that fucking desert.” 

Jacob shook his head. He took a deep breath. 

“Sorry for my language,” he said.

“What happened, Jacob?” Joseph’s voice was soft, but not quiet. It was soothing and gentle. “What made you fear that?” 

“You’re always taking your shirt off,” Jacob sighed, “And you’re always leaving it there. Usually John notices, usually he’s the one who washes it and gives it back to you. But one day he just didn’t. You left it. He left it. So I took it. I was going to wash it and return it, and I didn’t. Instead I came here. And I masturbated with it. It was the first time I’d masturbated ever since you told me it was a sin. It was the first time in  _ years _ , Joseph. I did it over and over. When I couldn’t get erect anymore, I,” he paused, thinking of the right phrasing, "masturbated anally. I told myself it was you, Joseph.” 

Joseph stared. He didn’t wear any emotion.

“And the images that filled my head didn’t stop. They just kept coming. They wouldn’t leave. And everytime I saw you after that, everytime I heard your voice, they were all I could think of. It wasn’t until John came to me and told me how I was affecting you two that it stopped. He reminded me that you were a person too. So I focused on that. I made it my mission to put your feelings first. Do you understand now?” 

Silence. 

Joseph swallowed. 

“Jacob,” he said, “Where’s my shirt?” 

“I threw it away. I don’t think you’d want it back anyways. I ruined it.” 

“I see.” 

More silence. 

Jacob shook his head and turned away. He opened the fridge, haphazardly dropping the fish in. There wasn’t a point in caring. It mostly empty anyways. 

“We aren’t going to cook it?” Joseph asked. 

“I’m not in the mood.”

“Oh,” Joseph sounded disappointed.

“We’ll do it later. If I try to show you now, I’ll end up burning it.”   
Jacob shut the fridge and walked away. He didn’t know where he was going, only that he needed to get away from Joseph. Thinking that Joseph saw him as a threat was one thing. Actually being told that his brother believed that Jacob could snap and rape him at any time was another. He didn’t even know how it made him feel. Sick. But also numb and empty. He wanted to hit something. To feel impact. 

He heard Joseph behind him. 

“Are you just going to follow me?”

“I want your company.” 

“Even though you don’t trust me?”

“I do trust you, Jacob.” 

Jacob sighed, “You can’t say that you think I’m going to rape you then say you trust me.” 

“That is not what I said.” 

“Joseph, that’s what you always say. You say something, we repeat it back to you, and then you say that’s not what you said.” 

“No! That is not,” Joseph made a frustrated noise, “I thought you understood that it is difficult for me to convey myself. Look at my actions and understand from that. Please, Jacob, I am still here. I still came to you.”

Jacob stopped, looking at his brother. “Okay. You’re still here. You’re still alone with me. That can mean a lot of things, Joseph. You don’t want to lose me, but that doesn’t mean you’re not disgusted by or afraid of me.”

Joseph made another frustrated sound. Before Jacob could react, Joseph was against him, arms wrapped tight around his brother. His fingers dug into Jacob’s back as he squeezed him against himself. 

“I’m not disgusted by you,” Joseph said, “And I trust you more than anyone else. I need you, Jacob. I need you to support me and stand by me.” 

Jacob sighed, “You don’t need me.”

“No, I do. It’s not up to you to decide that.” 

“Jo—”

Joseph kissed him. It was awkward and way too forceful. He’d jammed his nose into Jacob’s hard enough to make it ache. His glasses jabbed into Jacob’s cheeks. 

Jacob pushed him away. 

“No.”

“Jacob, please,” his little brother was desperate, “Let me prove it to you.” 

“You don’t need to prove it to me.” 

“But you don’t believe me.” 

“Joseph,” Jacob sighed again, “I won’t stop you. I just don’t want our,” he paused, “relations to be so rough.”

“Rough?”

“Aggressive. That’s not what I want for you. I want to protect you. Treat you gently. You’re so precious to me, Joseph. Precious things should be treated like they’ll break at any moment.” 

Joseph stared at him. Clearly there was something preventing his understanding. So Jacob cupped his face, stroking where his bare skin grew into beard. He softly pressed his lips to Joseph’s. Even though Joseph was fine before, he tensed this time. His fingers curled tight around Jacob’s fatigues. 

“Joseph,” Jacob muttered against his mouth, “Are you okay?”

“It’s,” Joseph hesitated, “emasculating.” 

“Would it help if I told you I’d never kiss a woman like this?”   
“But I thought,” Joseph frowned, “You are joking. I see.” 

“Yes.”

“Jacob, I don’t appreciate jokes about this subject.” 

“Sorry,” Jacob said. He kissed Joseph again before sliding his hands off his face, putting them over Joseph’s fingers against his chest. “Does it really bother you?”

Joseph glanced aside, “Do as you like.”

“I’d like to take care of you. Treat you right. I let my emotions get ahold of me, again. Come here,” Jacob pulled him back into a hug. It wasn’t as tight as Joseph’s. Snug would be a better word. “It’s not your fault. If I was in your position, I’d have the same worries. It’s not your fault.” 

Joseph’s grip on his clothes tightened.

“I would never hurt you though. I would  _ never.  _ The only reason I’m alive is to serve you, so when you say that, that I might hurt you, think about what it’s like for me.” 

“You’re not alive only for me.” 

“I am.”

Joseph took a deep breath. Jacob felt every motion of it, the way his muscles tightened, how his chest expanded, how his hands slightly shook. In fact, a tremble ran through his whole body.

“Okay,” Joseph said. 

“Okay?” 

“Yes, Jacob. It’s okay. I see now. I was looking to God for answers, but they were in you and John this whole time. I see now, so,” Joseph’s face flickered into something ugly and tragic, “don’t leave me.” 

“I won’t.”

“I won’t condemn you or John. I’ll love you. I’ll do anything for you. I’ll always love and accept you, so please, Jacob, please, don’t leave me.” 

“I won’t, Joseph. I promise, I won’t.” 

Joseph’s trembling grew worse. It was almost like Jacob was holding on to a cornered dog. He squeezed his little brother tighter, mostly out of fear that Joseph would fall if he didn’t support him.

“It’s okay, Joseph. Everything is okay. Let’s get a fire started outside and then I’ll show you how to cook that bass. How does that sound?”

“You’ve calmed down?”

“Yes. I’m calm. Like I said, I let my emotions get ahold of me. That’s not fair to you.”

Joseph gave him an odd smile before he pulled away. He seemed steady, but Jacob still kept a close watch on him. 

“I mean what I said, Joseph,” Jacob barely held back the urge to reach out for his brother again, “I’ll always stand by you.” 

“And I’ll always accept you,” Joseph replied. His tone was light and casual. So fake that it was sickening. 

  
  


While Jacob was focused on the time and the foiled-up fish in the middle of the flames, Joseph seemed more interested in the fire itself. That was fine though. Joseph had done most of the prep, though with Jacob talking him through the process of making a pouch, adding just enough salt and pepper, and some garlic powder he’d found in a cupboard. And it wasn’t like the cooking process was complicated. It was all timing. 

Still, he didn’t like the way Joseph stared at the fire. He was completely still, only blinking every few minutes. That alone couldn’t have been healthy. 

“Joseph.”

No response. Not even a blink that acknowledged him. Jacob sighed and stood up, moving from across the fire to next to his brother. Joseph jumped when he put an arm around him.

“Did you say something?” Joseph asked. 

“Asked if you were cold.”

“I am fine.” 

“You sure?” 

Joseph smiled at him. It was real. Jacob wondered if it was bad that he was keeping track of how many of Joseph’s expressions were genuine or forced.

"I’m not a child,” he said.

“I know. But there’s nothing wrong with relying on me.” 

“I already do.” 

Jacob smiled back, “Rely on me more, then.” 

“Okay,” Joseph leaned into Jacob, resting his head on his shoulder. “Like this?”

“Not what I was thinking, but I’ll take it.” 

“I could fall asleep like this,” Joseph said, “then I’d rely on you more. I’d be perfectly vulnerable. An apostate could come at any moment and I’d never know.” He turned to look at Jacob’s face. No, more like he turned to show Jacob his own expression. “Anything could happen and I’d never know. Even if I woke up, I wouldn’t be able to fight it.” 

At some point, Jacob’s hands had clenched into fists. By the time he found his voice to reply, his grip had turned painful, his knuckles sheet white. He swallowed. 

“Nothing would happen,” Jacob said.

“Of course not. But if something did—”

“Joseph, stop.” 

His little brother reached for his hand, intertwining their fingers. “I didn’t mean to distress you.” 

Jacob grunted in response. He leaned over, jabbing the foil pouch over with a metal rod. 

“I didn’t meant to be cruel,” Joseph continued, “I am only telling you that if I were to be vulnerable around anyone, it would be you.” 

“The more you try to show that you trust me, the more I can tell that you don’t.”

“I do trust you.”

“If you did, it wouldn’t need to be said.” 

Joseph squeezed Jacob’s hand tighter. He didn’t say anything as he turned back to the fire. 

“What do you see?” Jacob asked.

“Death. Destruction. The end. Me, alone.” 

“That’s a new addition to your visions.” 

“It was only in the last one. But that was a warning. If I continue down this path, then I won’t be alone. We will rise again, together.” 

“How do you know this path is the right one?”

Joseph smiled again, “I told you, I found my answer inside you and John. It was in front of me this whole time, it was just too painful to see.” 

“What was it?”

“I found it inside you.”

“Are you saying I know it?” 

“Maybe,” Joseph closed his eyes, “maybe it is painful for you as well. Or maybe, it’s so ingrained that it’s too obvious to see. Like the air we breathe or the world we see.” 

“I don’t understand.” 

“You don’t need to. It was meant for me.” 

Jacob didn’t push the issue. He poked into the fire again, tapping the foil to the edge of the fire pit.

“Is it done?” Joseph asked, eyes open again. 

“Should be.” 

“Wonderful. I’m excited.”

“It has to cool down first. It’d be a shame if after all that effort, you couldn’t taste it because you burned your tongue.” 

Joseph nodded. “I’ll be patient. Should we get utensils?”

“I usually don’t bother.” 

“I won’t bother either then. It’s been a while since I’ve eaten a meal with only my hands. I mean, besides the obvious.” 

“What do you—” Jacob stopped, remembering Joseph’s days as a beggar. Everything he knew about those days were from the times Joseph would bring them up during a sermon. Otherwise, he never talked about it. 

“Sorry. I meant that to be light-hearted. You’re not blaming yourself, are you?”

Jacob nudged the foil pouch again.

“We hadn’t reunited yet,” Joseph said, “There was no way you could have known. And even if you did, you were fighting a war. It wasn’t your fault and I don’t regret those days. I learned much about myself and the world during them.” 

“Is that how you feel about your time in prison too?”

“No,” Joseph said. He laughed softly. “I can’t say I look back on those times with any fondness.” 

“You’ve have quite the life.” 

“Yes. So have you. And yet, I feel like I was only born a few years ago.” 

“When you came here?”

“Yes. And when I found you and John.” 

“I can’t say I feel the same,” Jacob said. 

“You don’t?”

“I feel like I’ve already lived my life. It feels like it’s already mostly ended. The only reason I’m still here is you. That’s my last purpose.” 

Joseph went still. His grip on Jacob’s hand was tight. Slowly, he sighed.

“And you said that you didn’t know the answer.” 

“What?”

Jacob watched Joseph carefully for any clues. But his brother was unreadable. Joseph leaned off him, pulling his hand free to set it against Jacob’s face and guiding him into a kiss. It was soft and gentle. An almost perfect imitation of their last one. It would’ve been concerning if it wasn’t exactly what Jacob had wanted. 

Joseph parted and touched his forehead to his big brother’s. His eyes reflected the fire even through his glasses, making them look brighter than ever through the orange lenses. 

“Even if there’s nothing else for you to live for, even if you have lost everything, continue on living for my sake. Do you promise this, Jacob?”

“I promise.” 

Joseph kissed him again. It would’ve been nice to stay there all evening, just appreciating the feeling of his little brother’s lips on his, but it would’ve a shame to waste the fish. Jacob pulled away and reached for the foil. It was hot enough to hurt. Not hot enough to stop him from grabbing it and dropping it on his lap. With a few quick practiced pulls, he unwrapped the foil into more-or-less a plate. 

“It looks smaller than how I remember,” Joseph said.

“Maybe because you’re hungry.”

“Yes, that makes sense,” Joseph poked at the bass only to hiss, yanking his hand back.

“It’s hot,” Jacob said.

“I am now aware.” 

Jacob laughed. He fought to keep still so he didn’t send their dinner into the dirt, but it was hard. Joseph was just too perfect, especially when he looked so surprised, only to laugh too a few moments later. It was good. It was everything that he’d fought for and continued fighting for. It made Jacob think that maybe, just maybe, things would still be okay. That even though Joseph knew about his degenerate nature, that even though Joseph was initially disgusted, they could get past that. They could still be brothers and… well, lovers. 

Turning back to the fish, Jacob dug his fingers into its side where he’d sliced it. It was hot, but it didn’t bother him too much. He spread it open and pinched a chunk of meat. Looking back to Joseph, he brought it up to his little brother’s lips.

“This is unnecessary,” Joseph said. His voice was still light with laughter.

“You cooked it. You should be the first to try it.” 

“You did half of the work.”

“Then I have a right to insist,” Jacob prodded at his brother’s mouth. A flicker of something crossed Joseph’s face, but he opened his mouth, just enough for Jacob to slip his fingers in, scraping the fish onto Joseph’s teeth. He couldn’t resist the urge to drag over his lips and through his beard. Joseph winced.

“What’s wrong?” 

“Hot,” Joseph said, “but it’s good. Really good.”

“As good as John’s?”

“Not quite.” 

“I’ll be more prepared next time. Some sage and butter will help.” 

“You haven’t even tried it yet.” 

Jacob pinched some more and shoved in his own mouth, with half the grace he’d fed Joseph with. It was fine. Just fish.

“Sage and butter,” he repeated.

Joseph laughed again. He reached for the fish again, taking a chunk between his fingers. If Jacob could get away with it, he would watch Joseph eat the whole bass. The sight was mesmerizing. Joseph clearly savored each bite. If Jacob could take a step further and still get away, he’d hand-feed Joseph. That first bite was clearly pushing on Joseph’s boundaries though. Maybe one day, he’d be allowed that. 

Jacob paced himself slowly so that Joseph got more than he did. For each mouthful he had, Joseph had at least three. He didn’t need food. In fact, seeing his beloved brother eat was more satiating than the food itself. Joseph must not have eaten before coming to see Jacob since he ate more than half the bass in no time at all. The rest was Jacob’s. 

“That was great,” Joseph said as Jacob slid in the last chunk of meat into his mouth, “Thank you so much.” 

Jacob nodded. Then he got an idea. If the hand-feeding was nearly too far, then this certainly was. But maybe Joseph would see it on the same level. Maybe he wouldn’t be too bothered. 

He settled his dirty hand in Joseph’s hair and brought him close. Joseph didn’t expect anything as he leaned in, actively moving his lips against Jacob’s. When Jacob pressed his tongue against his teeth, Joseph hesitated, as he usually did. And, as he usually did, he blindly trusted his brother, allowing him to do as he pleased.

Until Jacob slid the half-chewed fish into Joseph’s mouth.

Joseph yelped and pulled away, coughing. A slimy glob of white meat fell from his mouth onto his beard, then dripped into the dirt. He spat after it.

“Jacob, what…?”  
Jacob cupped his brother’s face, forcing him to look at his big brother. 

“I wanted to.” 

“I am not,” Joseph coughed again, “comfortable with that.” 

“Do you think you ever will be?”

Joseph looked horrified. “Jacob—”

“It was a joke. I’m kidding. It won’t happen again.” 

He let Joseph look away. But he didn’t entirely release him, mostly so he could pull him closer to kiss where his bare cheek turned into beard. The way Joseph shuddered, his breath full of fear and anxiety, was painful. It wasn’t enough to deter Jacob. He peppered more kisses along Joseph’s skin, reaching from his brow, to his ear, to his neck. Joseph was warm, his skin weathered, and hair silky. It wasn’t rough like before. The thought that Joseph had gone through the effort of conditioning his hair for his big brother made Jacob’s heart and stomach swell with an ugly, heavy,  _ lively  _ emotion.

“Go inside,” Jacob muttered into his brother’s ear, “I’ll clean this up.” 

Joseph nodded against Jacob’s grip. 

Jacob let him go. He ignored the way that Joseph hurried to his feet, seemingly in a panic, and left him without looking back. Almost as if he couldn’t stand the sight of his older brother.

But, Jacob sighed, he didn’t have any doubt that Joseph would be there when he followed.

  
  
  
  


Joseph looked over his shoulder when Jacob entered the bedroom. He was already sitting on the bed, facing toward the dusty furniture. He followed Jacob with his gaze as his older brother crossed around to him before sitting on his knees in front of him.

“Ah,” Joseph’s fingers tightened in the sheets, “I am not comfortable with that.” 

“With me being here?” 

“No, with,” Joseph hesitated, “oral sex.” 

“I won’t then.” 

Joseph nodded. He stared at Jacob, clearly expecting him to move. When Jacob gently took one of his calves in hand, he nearly jumped. 

“Jacob—”

“After marching,” Jacob started, sliding his hands down to pull at Joseph’s shoes, “patrolling, surveying, after spending hours on my feet being beaten down by the weight of my gear and the heat of the sun,” he set the shoes aside and tugged at Joseph’s socks, “This was all I wanted,” he dragged his palm over Joseph’s bare feet, like he was warming them up even though they were warmer than his hands, and looked up at his brother and smiled, “A foot rub.” 

“This is unnecessary,” Joseph said, voice tight as Jacob pressed his fingers into the top of his foot. 

“It is. But it’s nice, isn’t it?”

Joseph didn’t answer.

“I know you preach that sex is the highest form of intimacy, but,” Jacob squeezed his palm into his brother’s arch, “for me, I always thought it’d be nice to have someone to come home to after we’d had a long day, and he would sit down, and I’d sit like this, and he’d kick his shoes off and I’d rub his feet. That was all I wanted for a long time.” 

Jacob looked up when he felt the weight of Joseph’s hand in his hair. 

“This is nice,” Joseph said, smiling gently.

“And I thought I didn’t deserve this. That domestic things like that weren’t for soldiers like me. But then you found me.” 

“You do deserve this. You’ve always deserved this. And you’ll have it, now, and into Eden.” 

Jacob laughed quietly, “It feels weird having you preach to me when I’m giving you a massage.” 

“That wasn’t a sermon. It was a promise.” 

As Jacob rubbed his heel, Joseph exhaled, slow and loud. He ran his fingers through Jacob’s hair, messing it thoroughly. 

“Has anyone done this for you before?” Jacob asked.

“Yes.” 

Jacob didn’t need to ask who. “And have you done this for her?”

“Yes.” 

“I hope I compare well.” 

“You do,” Joseph patted the shaved side of Jacob’s head, “It’s different, but it is nice.” 

Jacob smiled. The amount of pride he felt at that was almost shameful. He shuffled forward, setting Joseph’s foot down on his thigh as he moved onto the other. 

“So how do you want to do this?” Jacob asked.

“This? Oh, you mean,” Joseph paused, “I don’t know. I am not comfortable with being penetrated.” 

“We don’t have to have anal sex.”

“There’s a way besides sodomy?”

“Yes. We can,” Jacob thought of the proper phrasing, “rub our penises together.”

“People derive pleasure from that?”

“Yes. It’s more convenient, I suppose.” 

“Convenient,” Joseph repeated, his displeasure evident. 

“And some people just like it better.” 

“I see,” Joseph exhaled loudly again, “Which do you prefer?”

“I don’t know. As long as it’s with you, I’m fine with anything.” 

Joseph nodded, “I’ve already committed sodomy with John, but if there’s another way, then maybe it wouldn’t be so sinful.”

A part of Jacob wanted to argue that Joseph’s reasoning made no sense, but he decided against it. Instead he released Joseph to reach up for the hem of his pants. Joseph caught his hand.

“I told you, I am not comfortable with that.”

“I won’t. That wasn’t my plan.”

Hesitantly, Joseph let him go. Jacob undid his brother’s pants, pulling them, along with his underwear, off easily. Joseph was visibly tense. Each breath he took was stiff and short. When Jacob pet along his legs in an attempt to soothe him, Joseph only tightened up more. It only got worse when Jacob eased one of his calves up, leaning in to press his lips along Joseph's tibia. 

"Jacob."

"Joseph?" Jacob looked up at his brother.

"This feels… unequal."

"And that makes you uncomfortable?"

Joseph nodded.

"Okay," Jacob rose and sat beside Joseph, "how about this? Better?"

"It's not just positions, Jacob.”

Jacob nodded and reached for Joseph’s glasses. He pulled them off, folding them gently before placing them aside on the bedside table. Then he took Joseph’s wrists, setting his brother’s hands onto his fatigues. “Go ahead then. Make us equal.”

While Joseph hesitated, Jacob threaded his one hand into his brother’s beard and the other into his hair and pulled him for a kiss. That only flustered Joseph more as his hands shook nearly too badly to drag off his brother’s jacket. With one hand, Jacob helped him. He undid his own pants and dragged up his own shirt. They parted for Joseph to tug it off, but when Jacob swept back in to catch his brother’s lips again, Joseph turned his head.

“Joseph?”

“I am sorry. It is a bit,” Joseph took a deep breath, “overwhelming.”

“Okay. That’s okay. Let’s take a breather. Can I still take your shirt off?”

Joseph glanced away, then slowly back to Jacob. “Yes. You may.” 

“Thank you.” 

With measured and precise movements, Jacob carefully unbuttoned Joseph’s shirt. After each button, he would tense up, only to relax seconds afterwards before the next. He didn’t have a reaction when Jacob slid his shirt off. Joseph only watched him with something unreadable. 

“There you go,” Jacob squeezed Joseph’s shoulder. “Is this okay?”

“It is.” 

“Good,” Jacob smiled. Joseph smiled back, even though his was a bit meek. Taking his little brother’s hand, Jacob brought Joseph’s palm to his mouth and breathed against it, warming it up. 

Joseph exhaled, “It tickles.”

“Not too much?”

“No. Only a little.”

“Good,” Jacob curled his brother’s fingers and pressed his knuckles to his lips, smiling against them. 

“What are you doing, Jacob?”

“I took care of your feet,” he lowered Joseph’s hands and spread his fingers out, “I should do the same for your hands.”

“Is this another fantasy of yours?”

“No. I just thought it’d feel nice.”

A high groan leaked from Joseph as Jacob dug his fingers into his palm. His hands were rough. Not as rough as Jacob’s, but certainly rougher than John’s. Even though he’d had years of a relatively comfortable life, thick calluses still covered his skin. 

“You seem to like this more,” Jacob said in response to another near moan.

“I’ve never had this done before. I didn’t realize my hands were so sensitive.” 

“I didn’t know either,” Jacob moved onto squeezing his brother’s fingers, “Maybe I’ll ask you to return the favor.”

“I don’t think that I would do it as well as you."

"That's fine. I'm enjoying doing this for you," Jacob said, moving onto his brother's wrist. Joseph outright whimpered as Jacob pressed into his joint. He nearly whimpered again when Jacob released his hand. 

"Are you going to do the other?" Joseph asked.

"I was planning on it. Wouldn't be fair to leave it unbalanced."

Joseph nodded and held his other hand out. Jacob couldn't hold back a smile as he took it. 

“I’m not being needy, am I?” 

“I told you to rely on me.”

“There’s relying, and then there is this.” 

“I like both.” 

“I see,” Joseph said. “Then I will take full advantage.” 

This time as Jacob massaged his hand, Joseph was much more open with his sounds. He wasn’t loud by any means. Just open. It was cute. Jacob wouldn’t say that, Joseph was clearly sensitive about feminine terms like that. Maybe it was the association he had between homosexuals and being effeminate. Maybe that was what made him so sensitive. Or not and maybe he was always like this. Jacob didn’t know and he didn’t particularly care. All he focused on besides the texture and heat of Joseph’s hand was how grateful he was to still have his pants on. There was a chance that whatever atmosphere he’d struggled to build so far would be ruined if his little brother noticed his growing erection. 

After rolling his palm against Joseph’s wrist, Jacob brought his hand back up to his mouth. He pressed kisses to each finger. Each one made Joseph’s breath stutter. It was too hard to resist the temptation to, so Jacob slid his tongue out, dragging it along Joseph’s index. 

“Jacob—!” Joseph tugged his hand back, but Jacob held on tight. His skin was salty and just a bit fishy. It would’ve been a foul taste if not for who it was. He pulled Joseph closer, guiding his finger into his mouth. Jacob sucked on it, pressing against it with his tongue as if he was still massaging it. 

Joseph shuddered. “Jacob, that’s enough.” 

He let go of his little brother. Joseph yanked his hand free, wiping it on the sheets. When he looked up again, Jacob was there to kiss him and press him down to the bed. Their kisses didn’t go any further than a hint of tongue and a rare soft nip, but when Joseph turned his head to the side, he was gasping for air. His chest rose and fell hard and fast. Waiting for him to regain his breath was too hard. Jacob moved from his brother’s lips to his neck, softly mouthing at the bare skin below his beard. He dragged his fingers over his brother’s body, tracing each scar and outlining each tattoo from memory. Joseph’s breathing only grew more rapid. He pawed at his older brother’s chest, almost like he wanted to push him away, but simply couldn’t bring himself to. 

Jacob grabbed at Joseph’s chest. He pressed his palm into his little brother’s lean pec, earning a hitched gasp from Joseph. 

“Jacob—” 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too, Jacob, but—”

Joseph gasped as Jacob mouthed at his chest, sucking at the sensitive skin. His pawing finally turned into a firm shove. Jacob let himself be pushed away as he rose up above his brother.

“I am,” Joseph took in a shaking breath, “not a woman.”

“I know,” Jacob cupped his little brother’s face with one hand. 

“Please, do not treat me like one.”

“I’m not.”

“You are! You’re handling me as if I have,” Joseph squeezed his eyes shut like he was pained, “breasts.” 

“I’m not. Doesn’t it feel nice?”

“Jacob, please.”

“Joseph, let me take care of you.”

“I will,” he opened his eyes and breathed in again, the tremble audible, “I only ask that you respect me as a man.”

“I do. But okay. Tell me where to touch you then.” 

Several moments passed without an answer. Jacob rubbed his thumb over Joseph’s beard.

“When I was with John,” he swallowed, “he touched my back.” 

“Did you like it?”

“I am not sure if like is the right word, but,” Joseph hesitated, “it was pleasurable.” 

“Okay,” Jacob leaned off his brother, “turn around then.”  
“I don’t want to be penetrated.”

“I know. I won’t. I’m only going to touch you.”

Joseph was clearly nervous, but he rolled over onto his stomach obediently. His muscular scarred and inked back was gorgeous. Not even nature with its stunning savagery could compare to Joseph. Jacob ran his fingers over the carved-in sins, spreading his palm over the Eden’s Gate cross. 

“This feels good?” Jacob asked.

Joseph nodded into the pillow. 

“I trust you.” 

Jacob bent forward, pressing his mouth between Joseph’s shoulder blades. His brother tensed below him. 

“Are you okay with this?” Jacob asked.

“I am. It is just a bit much.”

Nodding, even though Joseph couldn’t see him, Jacob kissed along his spine. With each vertebra, Joseph’s muscles wound even tighter. His breathing grew uneven again, ragged and rushed. For the first few, Jacob tried to mind his beard and not drag the rough hair along Joseph’s skin. That concern didn’t last long. By the time Jacob had reached the lowest point he could bend over to reach, Joseph was a shuddering shaking mess. Judging from the way his hips twitched, as if he was trying to keep himself from grinding into the bed, and from the trembling, his knuckle white grip in the sheets, Joseph was equally turned on and absolutely terrified. 

Jacob sat up and grabbed Joseph’s shoulders, forcing him to turn over again. Joseph didn’t fight. He flopped over willingly. His face was red and contorted into an ugly expression, almost like he was about to cry. 

“Joseph,” Jacob smoothed down his little brother’s hair, “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.” 

“Should we stop?”

Joseph shook his head. He put his hand over Jacob’s, squeezing his big brother’s hand.  “I love you, Jacob.”

“I love you too, Joseph. More than anything else.” 

Jacob pressed a quick kiss to Joseph before moving off him.

“Where are you going?” Joseph asked, reaching out for his older brother. 

“Lubricant. It’ll make it easier.” 

Joseph drew his hand back, “I see.” 

“I’ll be right back. “ 

Jacob watched Joseph for a few more seconds. But Joseph only stared back. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting. Maybe something inside Jacob hoped that he’d change his mind. But that’d be ridiculous. With every cell, every atom of his being, there was nothing Jacob wanted more than to be with Joseph. 

When Jacob returned with a bottle of… something that was slippery and hopefully not toxic, Joseph had pushed himself up to sit against the headboard. He looked from his forearm to Jacob, then turned his arm over, hiding the portrait of his wife. 

Jacob felt like he’d stood up too fast. He swallowed, carefully composing his expression to hide his sudden nausea. 

“Are you ready?” he asked. His voice was softer than usual. Even he could tell. 

“Yes.”

“If you’re comfortable with it,” Jacob sat on the edge of the bed, finally yanking his pants off, “I want you to be on top.”

“I think I would be more comfortable with that as well.” 

Jacob crawled next to Joseph. He didn’t need to prompt his little brother to throw his legs over his hips or to put his hands on his shoulders, easing his older brother down. He even leaned in, pressing his lips to Jacob’s forehead. 

“You won’t leave me, ever, right?” Joseph whispered.

“Never.” 

“You promise?”

“I promise.” 

“Okay,” Joseph smiled. He took Jacob’s hand with the bottle between his own. “And this is the oil?”

“It’s not oil.”

“Oh. I see.”

“I’m not sure what it is. The label has been torn off. But I’ve been using it for,” Jacob caught himself.

“Onanism,” Joseph sounded disappointed. 

“Yes. I’m sorry, Joseph.” 

“It’s my fault. I drove you to it.” 

Jacob sighed. He was sick of arguing about this subject, so he just popped the lid open and poured the liquid inside over his hand. Joseph watched him, up until Jacob set one hand on his hip and reached for his dick with the other. He squeezed his eyes shut. Jacob shuffled under Joseph, pulling and pushing his little brother until their erections were lined up. 

“You can start now,” Jacob said, gently stroking Joseph’s hip. Slowly,he opened his eyes.

“Tell me what to do.”

“Just move.” 

Joseph nodded, but he didn’t move. He stared at Jacob. 

“Do you want me to?” Jacob asked.

“No,” Joseph shook his head.

Jacob squeezed his brother’s hip. “Are you okay?”

“I’m not a child.”

“I know you’re not. I want you to enjoy this though.” 

Joseph nodded. He leaned down, pressing their chests together and nestling his head in the crook of Jacob’s neck. 

“You know what surprised me the most with you and John?” he muttered into Jacob’s ear.

“What?”

“Your beards. I know, I should expect to feel them, but it still surprises me every time I do.” 

“I can’t feel yours. Mine’s too thick.”

Joseph laughed lightly. It didn’t sound right. “Everytime you kissed my body, your beard was driving me to insanity.”

“Is that good or bad?”

“That depends on what you mean by good and bad.” 

Jacob answered by kissing his brother’s shoulder, dragging his chin against his brother’s skin just to tease him. Joseph laughed, only for it to turn into a gasp as he finally dragged his hips forward. 

“Is it good?” Jacob asked.

“I don’t know.” 

“It’s good for me. It feels real good for me.” 

Joseph nodded against his brother’s neck, a groan slipping out from between his teeth as he pressed forward again. His thrusts were sloppy, with no aim or rhythm. It was clear he just wanted to get off instead of actually enjoy himself. Jacob wondered if he was like this with his wife, or if it was just with his older brother. 

“Wait, Joseph,” Jacob held his brother’s hip still. He didn’t need to since Joseph froze instantly.

“You’re okay,” Jacob kissed his shoulder again in what he hoped was a reassuring gesture, “Just slow down. Think about what you’re doing.”

“I don’t want to think about what I’m doing.”

“Not literally,” Jacob kissed him again, ignoring the sting of his words, “But pace yourself. Let yourself enjoy what you feel.” 

“Jacob, I don’t want to.”

Turning his neck, Jacob pressed an awkward kiss to his brother’s ear, “Can you try? For me?”

Joseph was still. Slowly, he nodded. 

“Show me,” he said. But the moment Jacob moved his other hand from between them and set it on his other hip, Joseph stiffened, trembling against his big brother.

“Relax,” Jacob rubbed his hands along Joseph’s side, “Just breathe.” 

“This feels wrong.”

“Should we stop?”

“No. Go ahead. Show me.” 

“I need you to calm down first,” Jacob said.

“Jacob, please. Just do it.” 

He swallowed his argument and slid his hands back down to his little brother’s hips, grabbing him firmly, but not too hard. Jacob pressed and pulled at Joseph, forcing his body against his own. Joseph’s breath hitched. With each stroke, a near silent whimper escaped his throat. They weren’t pleasured noises. Rather, he sounded more pained and fearful than anything else. Jacob peppered Joseph’s neck and shoulder with kisses. It didn’t seem to soothe him though. 

Jacob felt fine though. He felt more than fine. Even aside from their cocks pressed together, every point where Joseph’s skin met his burned hotter the sun. It felt so good that it positively absolutely  _ hurt.  _ And it was a perfect kind of hurt. The same kind that alerted every sense in the same way a bullet tearing through muscle did. Every nerve was screaming that Jacob really was alive. Only Joseph could make him feel like this.

Only Joseph. 

“Jacob,” Joseph sobbed dryly, digging his jagged nails into his brother’s shoulder.

“I love you, Joseph.”

“Jacob, stop. I can’t do it.” 

He released his little brother immediately. Jacob held his hands away from Joseph. It was harder than it sounded since the moment Joseph sobbed again, Jacob only wanted to squeeze him tight in a hug, and kiss him until everything went away. 

“I’m sorry, Jacob.”

“It’s okay, Joseph. It’s not your fault.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying sorry.”

“I should be able to do this.”

“Joseph, it is  _ fine. _ ” 

“It feels too wrong,” he gasped out, “and it’s just not enough to get through that.”

“Okay. Okay. We’ll stop. We’ll do something else.” 

“I’m sorry, Jacob.”

Jacob bit back a frustrated snarl. “Joseph,  _ stop. _ ” 

Joseph’s fingers dug further into Jacob’s skin, but he didn’t say anything else. Slowly, Jacob forced his hands between them, gently pushing Joseph up. At first, Joseph pressed back. He relented moments later, sitting up and looking aside, openly wearing his guilt. 

“I am disgusted with myself,” Joseph said after a long pause.

“Is it because of me?”

“No,” he slid his fingers over his forearms, crossing them, “It is because I would turn to sodomy instead of this.”

“Joseph,” Jacob sighed, “It’s still sex with another man. One isn’t worse than the other.”

“It is demeaning to you.”

“No, it’s really not.” 

Joseph glanced to him. “You really don’t see it like that?”

“I don’t. Did John see it like that?”

“I don’t know. He asked for it though. He said it was making love.” 

Jacob pet Joseph’s thigh, “He was right. That’s what it is. I love you, Joseph, and you love me. This is just expressing that love.”

“You know that I can’t see it that way.”

“I do. If you don’t want to, we don’t have to. I’ll still be happy I was able to spend today with you.” 

“I…” Joseph looked aside again, “Since you aren’t against it, then maybe we could try.”

Jacob nodded and blindly felt along his side for the plastic bottle. Only a little had spilled onto the sheets. Not that he cared. It wasn’t his bed. 

“John said that he had to prepare beforehand,” Joseph said.  
Jacob nodded again, smearing the lubricant over his hand. “If you’re not careful, you can injure yourself.”

“It doesn’t seem worth it.”

“You said you enjoyed it.”

“No,” Joseph sounded frustrated as he shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. “I did not enjoy it. I said it was pleasurable.”

“Does there have to be a difference?”

“Yes. There is. But,” he looked back to Jacob, “what I meant was that it didn’t seem worth it for you.”

“The other times I did this, it wasn’t,” Jacob reached between his legs, pressing his finger into himself, “I got off, but that was it. Not worth the effort. But I’m with you now. It’ll be worth it because it’s you. I’ve wanted this for so long, Joseph.”

Joseph grabbed his wrist, pulling it away from his groin. “Are you really committing this act in front of me?”

“I’m not masturbating. I’m preparing.”

“Let me.”

“You don’t want to do this, Joseph.” 

“Do not tell me what I want or do not want.”

Jacob held back a sigh, “Okay. I’ll tell you how to do it.” 

“Thank you.”

Joseph released his hand. Jacob felt blindly for the bottle again, holding it out to Joseph when he found it again. Without any prompting, Joseph poured some on his hand, rubbing it over his palm.

“You’ll need more than you think.”

“This is how much I used for John.”

“You said it looked like he was in pain. That’s why.”

“Oh.” Joseph looked sick with guilt. He swallowed, taking in a deep breath. 

“It’s not your fault. You didn’t know. John should have known better.” 

Joseph didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t argue as he spread a liberal amount around his fingers. He reached over, carefully setting the bottle on the nightstand. 

“Tell me what to do,” he said.

“Have you ever fingered a woman?”

“...Yes.” 

“Start like you’re doing that.” 

For a moment, Joseph just stared at his older brother. The guilt was gone, his expression was unreadable. Slowly, he shuffled lower, giving ample space between him and Jacob’s groin. He hesitantly set his hand above Jacob’s still-erect cock and dragged it around. Joseph watched his own motions, looking positively sickened. As he lowered his hand to his brother’s anus, he squinted, as if he couldn't handle the sight of what he was doing. The pain of seeing his little brother like this conflicted with the joy of what Joseph was doing. It was a fantasy coming true, just tainted with the reality of the situation.

Joseph pressed against Jacob with the force of a feather. 

“It is not,” he said simply.

“You need to push in. Don’t be afraid of hurting me.”

Nodding, Joseph finally managed to ease his index finger inside of his older brother. His eyes squeezed shut as he winced, his breathing growing uneven again. Jacob tried to quell his excitement and joy so that his own breathing remained under control. He needed to appear totally in control for Joseph’s sake.

“It is not like a woman,” Joseph said.

“I’m not a woman,” Jacob said, “You can move now.”

Joseph didn’t.

“Joseph, please.” 

Still nothing. 

Jacob grabbed his brother’s wrist. Finally,  Joseph’s eyes opened and met Jacob’s. He looked horrified with concern. Enough that he tried to pull out of his older brother, but Jacob held his hand still.

“Does it hurt?” he said, each word dripping with worry.

“No. You’re just,” Jacob tried to think of the right way to phrase his words, but there really wasn’t one. “Joseph, you’re teasing me right now.” 

“Oh. I will,” Joseph swallowed, nausea flickering across his expression, “I will do that, then.” 

“Thank you,” Jacob let his brother’s wrist go. 

Taking a deep breath, Joseph started to slide his finger in and out of his brother. He bent it at an odd angle, pressing on a seemingly random patch. If he was anyone other than Joseph, Jacob would have assumed they were trying to find his prostate and just clueless on where it actually was. But considering it was Joseph, maybe it was what his wife liked. Maybe he was genuinely putting forth an effort, even though he was clearly so repulsed. 

“Are you deriving pleasure from this?” Joseph asked.

“I’m enjoying it, but, no, not really.” 

Joseph’s pace stuttered.

“Give me another finger.”

“It won’t hurt you?”

“Joseph, you put your,” Jacob caught himself, “your penis inside of John. Why are you concerned about two fingers inside me?”

“Yes. That is true. You are right.” 

Inhaling deeply, Joseph pressed his middle finger into his older brother. Jacob exhaled, again focusing on keeping his breathing steady. The feeling of being penetrated, when looked at on its own, wasn’t one he was particularly fond of. But he’d already come to associate the aching stretch with the pleasure that followed, which was something that he was  _ quite  _ fond of. Which meant that right then, Joseph’s incompetence was only making him harder. And that only made it nearly impossible to keep calm. 

“Is it pleasurable now?” Joseph asked.

“Press up, towards my stomach.”

Joseph nodded and forced his fingers up. 

Jacob barely bit back a snarl and the urge to strike at his brother. He couldn’t hold back the full-body jerk from the raw overload on his nerves. Joseph yanked his hand back.

“Are you okay?” his question dripped with fear.

It was impossible to answer right away. No, it would’ve been possible, but Jacob’s voice would’ve shook too much. He took in a deep shuddering breath.

“You need to be gentle, Joseph.”

“I’m sorry,” and he sounded genuinely mournful, “Did I press too hard?”

“That was the equivalent of me stomping on your balls.” 

Joseph tilted his head down, but kept his eyes on Jacob’s face. It was nearly the perfect image of a kicked dog. 

“Sorry, language,” Jacob took another deep breath, “I mean testicles.” 

“I caused you pain,” Joseph said meekly.

“It’s not your fault,” Jacob said. He was getting really tired of saying that. “I should have specified.” 

“I think you were right. You should have done this instead of me.” 

“No. It was better that it was you, up until  _ that. _ ”

A few moments passed of Joseph being silent, just watching his brother guiltily. He sighed. 

“Should I keep going?”

“Give me a minute,” Jacob said. He reached for Joseph’s hand, the one he hadn’t been using, and squeezed his brother’s fingers. After a pause, Joseph squeezed back.

“I am  _ very  _ sorry, Jacob.” 

“It’s fine. I told you not to worry about hurting me.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I didn’t say it was. I said I told you not to worry about it.” 

Joseph sighed. “You and John came to me for pleasure, and yet I’ve caused both of you physical pain. This doesn’t seem right.”

“We didn’t come to you for sex, Joseph. We came to you because we love you. I told you, this is just a way of expressing our love. If we didn’t love you, we wouldn’t ask for this.” 

“So you love me and I only hurt you in return.” 

“Joseph, are you listening to yourself? You’re not beating us. You’re doing something that you don’t want to, only because we asked you to, and you just made a few mistakes because you don’t know any better. How is that your fault? How is that anything to feel guilty about?”

“It is not,” Joseph said quietly.

“Stop blaming yourself for everything. Allow us some accountability.” 

“It’s not yours or John’s fault that I’ve hurt you.” 

“I’m not only talking about this, Joseph.” 

Slowly, Joseph nodded. 

Jacob squeezed his brother again, “I love you, Joseph. It hurts me to see you burdened. You have enough weight to carry. We’re your Heralds and your brothers, don’t be afraid to depend on us.” 

“I already do.”

“Not enough.” 

Joseph sighed again. He opened his mouth to say something, only to shut it. Finally, after repeating that motion several times, he said, “I love you too, Jacob.” 

“I’m okay now. You can try again. Just please be gentle this time.” 

“I will,” Joseph nodded, rubbing his two fingers with his other hand, warming them up, “I promise.” 

When he pressed his fingers into his older brother, Joseph carefully watched Jacob’s face. At Jacob’s heavy exhale at the familiar sensation, he tensed, but a reassuring smile from his older brother was enough to relax him. He started moving his fingers with much less hesitance than before. 

“You can do it now. Just a little bit at first, okay?”

Joseph rubbed his fingers up with the slightest bit of force. It wasn’t much, but it was enough for Jacob to feel hints of a familiar warmth and pressure. 

“Like this?” Joseph asked.

“A little harder.” 

Joseph nodded. He bent his fingers, continuing to slide them. The pressure was still on the light side, but it was good enough. The fact that it was Joseph more than compensated. Jacob couldn’t keep his tight control of his breathing anymore. He could hear his own panting and the shake at the end of each breath. Usually, he’d cover his mouth. Not only was it practical so that he and whoever he was with wouldn’t get caught, he also just didn’t like hearing himself. He wasn’t insecure about his voice. Jacob knew how he sounded. It just always felt a bit awkward. But he didn’t hold back this time, mostly to encourage Joseph.

“Another finger, Joseph.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Please.” 

When his little brother pushed his ring finger in alongside his others, the ache turned into a slight burn. 

“Are you okay, Jacob?”

He nodded, “Yes. Keep going. Start spreading your fingers.”

Joseph nodded, carefully obeying. The burn grew and spread, but the way Joseph continued to rub and press against his prostate prevented it from overwhelming the pleasure. Joseph was thorough without any instruction, he twisted his wrist, moving his fingers at every angle. 

“That’s enough, Joseph,” Jacob breathed out. It wasn’t like he was close, but it was just enough and just too little stimulation to be frustrating. 

“Am I doing it wrong?”

“No. I’m ready.” 

“I see. Then can you,” he pulled Jacob’s hand to his flagging erection, “prepare this for me?”

Jacob nodded, taking his hand back to pour more lubricant on it. They’d already drained a good third of the small bottle, leaving it half empty. That wasn’t a problem. He’d rather be safe than sorry, especially for Joseph’s first time with him. Joseph gasped as he wrapped his fingers around his dick, gently smearing lubricant over the sensitive skin. His little brother dug his nails into Jacob’s stomach, chest heaving and eyes squeezed shut. 

“Are you ready?” Jacob asked.

“Yes,” Joseph’s tone was tight and uneven, “I will try my best.” 

“Don’t worry about that. Just enjoy yourself.” 

“I will try.”

Taking Joseph’s hand, Jacob rubbed his thumb over his brother’s knuckle, smearing thick liquid over it. “Tell me what I can do to help you enjoy this.”

“Just talk to me. Tell me what to do.” 

“I will,” Jacob said, pulling his legs out from under Joseph, putting them on each side of his brother’s hips. He carefully aligned Joseph with himself. “Go slowly at first.” 

Joseph pressed into him. He took Jacob’s words to heart, he was painfully slow and careful. The pace made the aching stretch worse. It was just dragging out the worst part of being penetrated without any of the good. Jacob pressed his heels into Joseph’s thighs. It was a futile attempt to hurry him up. He rubbed his hands along Joseph’s arms, squeezing his lean muscles. Joseph’s eyes slowly closed, pressing tight as he exhaled heavily. Jacob took his own deep breaths, especially as the ache turned into a cramping burn. 

“Does it feel good, Joseph?”

“It,” Joseph’s next word caught in his throat as he groaned. He inhaled shakily. Finally, he continued, “is pleasurable.”

“I’m happy,” Jacob smiled. And he really was. His chest felt warm and soft. Vulnerable. Anywhere else, he’d be disgusted. But it was Joseph. There was no one else he’d be vulnerable around. In fact, he  _ wanted  _ to be vulnerable with Joseph. He wished he could be entirely at his mercy. 

Jacob slid his hand down to Joseph’s, interlacing their fingers over his chest. “You can go faster.” 

Joseph nodded. He started moving at a pace that was slightly too fast, but at least it was bearable. Being filled brought back the building warmth and layering pressure. It also brought Joseph closer, until he was entirely inside his older brother and their chests were against each other again. The close contact was almost as good as the sex. Jacob put one hand on the back of Joseph’s head, running his fingers through his long hair, and ran his other over Joseph’s spine. He pressed countless soft kisses against his precious little brother’s neck. 

“It feels good, Joseph,” he muttered against the crook of his shoulder.

He earned an especially heavy exhale in response. 

“You can start now. Remember what I told you. Pace yourself. Start slow. When it feels right, you can start being more forceful.” 

Another nod from Joseph, his beard rubbing against Jacob’s neck. His first few pulls and thrusts were awkward, shakey and unconfident. His next few were slightly better. They were more teasing than stimulating, especially with the way Joseph squirmed on top of him, grinding his firm stomach into Jacob’s dick. 

“You’re doing good, Joseph. Keep doing what feels best for you.”

Jacob was surprised at how steady his voice was. 

Those words seemed to inspire some confidence in Joseph. His thrusts grew quicker with some actual force behind them. It wouldn’t be a lie to say that it was starting to feel like actual sex. And it felt great. Great enough that Jacob could focus on the sensation of Joseph’s hot sweaty body against his and his little brother’s cock fucking into him. He slid his hands over the slick skin to squeeze Joseph in a tight embrace. Distantly, he could hear the hints of soft groans on his own heavy gasps. 

“I love you, Joseph,” he panted.

“Jacob,” Joseph whimpered back.

“I love you. I love how pure you are. I love how precious you are. I love how kind you are. I love how stern you are. I love how you make me feel,” Jacob choked on his words as he ran out of breath. He tried to catch it, his chest heaving rapidly and his throat burning, “I’m so proud to be alive for you, Joseph.”

_ “Jacob.”  _

“God, I love you  _ so much. _ ” 

Joseph shoved into Jacob with much more force than before. He buried his face into his big brother, whimpering flimsily as he came. A dry sob followed immediately. Joseph dropped his weight onto Jacob, seemingly unable to hold himself up anymore. He sobbed again.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Jacob, I’m so sorry—”

Jacob pressed his lips to Joseph’s ear. 

“You were perfect, Joseph.”

“You didn’t finish, I didn’t let you finish, I didn’t,” Joseph cut himself off with a trembling heaving breath. 

“It happens, Joseph. That doesn’t mean you were anything less than perfect.” 

“Jacob—”

“Do you trust me, Joseph?”

He nodded desperately. 

“Pull out. Let me get on top.” 

“What are you going to do?” Joseph sounded hesitant. Nervous. Scared.

“I’m just going to grind on you. It won’t take long. I’m close too.”

For what felt like a minute, Joseph didn’t move beyond his trembling and the heavy rise and fall of his chest. Then he pulled away, sliding out of his brother. Jacob put his hands on Joseph’s shoulder and eased them both over. Now that he was sitting up and Joseph was under him, Jacob could see his tragic and broken expression. There were no tears, but that honestly made it worse. Jacob settled a hand on the side of Joseph’s face, running his thumb over his bare skin and his beard. 

“You did so good, Joseph.”

Joseph shook his head. 

“I mean it,” Jacob said, dragging his finger over Joseph’s cut-up lips. “I’m going to start now, okay?”

Joseph stared at him, looking mournful as ever. Jacob leaned down to kiss him softly as he moved a leg over Joseph’s so that he was straddling his uninjured thigh. He awkwardly shuffled lower so that his leaking erection was pressed between the meat of his and Joseph’s thighs. It would’ve been a pathetic sight. But it was with Joseph. Nothing with Joseph could ever be pathetic. 

Jacob scattered kisses around Joseph’s collar and chest as he lamely humped his brother’s leg. Joseph settled his hands on Jacob’s shoulders, petting him weakly. It was a small gesture, but it was too precious. With a throaty near-growl, Jacob released against his brother’s thigh. Joseph gasped, his hands clenching into tight fists. 

Exhaustion hit Jacob. The heaviness in his limbs and the weariness in his muscles and bones seemed to come out of nowhere. He forced himself to flop off of Joseph to his side. It took the rest of his energy to curl up, setting his head on Joseph’s chest and spreading his hand over his heart. Joseph was so alive. He was living and breathing and his blood was rushing. 

“Jacob? Are you okay?”

“Yes. I’m just tired.”

“Is it my fault?”

“No. You did so good, Joseph. I’m so happy right now,” Jacob shut his eyes, “Today was the happiest day I can remember. I’m so proud to have been here to spend it with you. That’s why I’m tired. It’s just been so much. So much good. But so much.”

“I see.”

“Aren’t you tired?”

“I am. But,” Joseph put his hand over Jacob’s on his chest, “shouldn’t we clean up?”

Jacob drew his hand out and felt around for the shirt he wore under his fatigues. He found the fabric that felt right and clumsily drug it over, wiping the mess he’d left. As for Joseph’s semen dripping out of him, that wasn’t a big deal. It was a part of Joseph, so it was precious. He wanted it to remain close for as long as possible. 

“There,” Jacob said, dropping his shirt on the floor.

“I feel the need to say that I’m disappointed with your chosen towel.”

“I have more. I’m not ruining another one of your shirts.”

Joseph sighed, but there was a fondness behind it. When Jacob returned his hand to his little brother’s chest, Joseph tangled their fingers together. 

“I appreciate the sentiment,” Joseph said.

“I appreciate you.”

“I love you too, Jacob.” 

Jacob smiled, laughing softly. In his palm, against Joseph’s heartbeat, he felt his own. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tfw ur bros want to incest you but ur like not into it but one is suicidal and the other is just fucking nuts
> 
> also the jacob being gay thing started as a joke when me and co reached the conclusion was reached that no way a straight man would have that hair, that moustache beard combo, and those ears


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter put the hits into the 1000s which is something i am endlessly grateful for but i am now genuinely enraged that i didn't come up with the idea of naming this fic a sweet home alabama pun before now and if ao3 lets me i am totally inserting that into the title
> 
> anyways this chap joseph gets the succ and i've dubbed this chapter "wtf john".

Mass technically ended two hours ago, but, as usual, Joseph continued the sermon outside. The congregation didn’t seem affected by the lengthy homily, nor the brutal heat. Their religious fervor would’ve been impressive if it weren’t the norm. Faith seemed to be the only one bothered as she gradually parted from Joseph’s side to the nearest shade. 

Jacob glanced from Joseph to John beside him. He warily eyed Joseph’s shirt in John’s hands. Under it, pinched haphazardly between two fingers, John had a paper bag that he’d carried all morning. Whatever was in it smelled warm and sweet. John had approached him before the mass, but besides a polite greeting, he seemed too distracted by Joseph to say much else. It was a surprise when Jacob looked up and his gaze met John’s.

“So,” John said in a hushed voice, “when did it happen?” 

Taking in a deep breath, Jacob glanced around. Everyone else was gathered closer to Joseph while they were in the shadow of the church. No one would hear. But still. 

“We shouldn’t talk about this,” Jacob said.

“You two did meet up then.”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“John.”

“Just tell me, Jacob.” 

“A few days ago. Wednesday.” 

“How was it?”

“John,” Jacob shook his head, “We shouldn’t talk about this.”

“Well,” John adjusted his sunglasses on his head, “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.”

“Yes.”

“You too? But you’ve been looking a lot better,” John smirked, “I caught you smiling at that Judge. I thought I was seeing things.” 

“You’re phrasing it like you’re feeling worse.” 

“Because I am,” John returned his gaze to Joseph, “I feel so much worse. Something’s wrong with me, Jacob. I can’t control my thoughts. I can’t stop thinking about him. Everything connects back to him and I can’t stop. I don’t know what’s wrong or right anymore. I don’t know what’s true. I have these disgusting urges. I feel awful all the time. I’m honestly scared.” 

“John—”

“But when I’m with him, I feel so good, Jacob. Just being here, hearing him and looking at him, I feel amazing. I feel like I can do anything,” he looked to Jacob, “For some reason, my mind is clear right now. That’s why I’m telling you this,” he turned back to Joseph, “because I’m not sure if I’ll ever be lucid enough to have another chance.”

“This isn’t right, John.”

“I know it’s not, but what am I supposed to do? Tell Joseph that I’m ready to go back to being his brother? Even if that wasn’t cruel to him, I wouldn’t. How I feel when he looks at me, I’m not willing to give that up for anything.” 

“You’re just going to let yourself get worse?”

“Yes,” John smiled, “I am.” 

Jacob glanced down to the dry ground. 

“And,” John continued, “It wouldn’t be fair to you. You’re happier now, I can tell. I do love you, Jacob. I mean, as my brother, of course. And I want what’s best for you. I want you to be happy,” he paused, “I don’t want you and Joseph to go on without me either. If that happened, I’d genuinely truly hate you.” 

“I wouldn’t do that. If you stop, I stop.”

“Exactly. So I won’t.”

Jacob watched John. He didn’t seem bothered or distressed. Maybe by a clear mind, he meant an objective one. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Jacob saw a familiar white figure. He looked to Faith. She stopped by his side, folding her hands together.

“You two are talking during the Father’s sermon,” she said.

“And now you are,” John said.

“I am,” Faith smiled, “but I feel as if it’s my duty to know what is so important to my fellow Heralds that they will discuss it during mass.” 

“It’s not,” John said, “And don’t act as if you’re equal to us.”

“John,” Jacob sighed, shaking his head. He looked to Faith, “We are discussing the Father.”

“Gossiping about him as he preaches?” 

“Of course not,” John snapped, “Watch what you say.”

“She’s joking, John.”

“It’s not a funny joke.” 

Jacob shook his head again, “Joseph has met with us individually. We’re only sharing what we had discussed with the Father.” 

Faith’s gaze fell, but her serene expression remained, “So he met with you, but not with me?”

“We are his  _ brothers _ , “ John hissed, “you are  _ not _ on the same level as us, so you are  _ not  _ entitled to any of Joseph’s time.” 

“And you are?” 

“Don’t put words in my mouth.” 

“Joseph regards you fondly still,” Jacob said, “You haven’t done anything wrong.” 

Faith nodded, “Thank you, Jacob.” 

John huffed his irritation. No one else said anything, at least not until Joseph finished one last passionate rant about liars and dismissed the flock. Faith looked to Jacob as if she was about to say something, but she closed her mouth and smiled instead, walking away silently. John muttered something under his breath as she left. 

“You should treat her better,” Jacob said, “She is Joseph’s chosen.” 

“She suspects something.”

“No, she doesn’t.” 

“Yes, she does.” 

“What proof do you have?” 

John glowered at his feet. “It’s my duty to read sin. I can tell, Jacob.” 

There was clearly no convincing him, so Jacob gestured toward the bag in his hand. “What is that?”

“It’s for Joseph.”

“What is it?”

“Hamantaschen.” 

Jacob blinked. “What?”

“Poppy seed pastries. Made them myself.” 

“Joseph spoke highly of your cooking.” 

John smiled, “Good.” 

A pause. Parishioners were still gathered around their brother.

“Can I have one?” Jacob asked.

“No,” John said, suddenly offended, “These are for  _ Joseph. _ ”

“I was just asking.”

“You wouldn’t want them anyways.” 

A hint of a frown tugged at Jacob’s mouth. “Why?”

John smiled. 

Jacob didn’t exactly get it, but he made a mental note to never trust John’s cooking. When a gap finally formed around Joseph, John pressed their brother’s shirt into Jacob’s hand, and rushed to the Father. Jacob sighed, glancing down at the damp white fabric, before following. 

“That was wonderful, Joseph,” John said. Joseph turned to look at him, smiling wide. 

“Thank you. Ah, John,” he reached out. It looked like he was going for the bag, but instead he took John’s hand, bringing it up to his face. “This hasn’t healed yet?” 

Jacob finally noticed the bandage around John’s finger. It looked fresh, as if it’d been wrapped that morning. But if Joseph was concerned, it must have been much older. He frowned. It didn’t make much sense. 

John laughed, “I must have cut it deeper than I thought. But it’s getting better.” 

Joseph’s brow furrowed, “Are you certain? Maybe a doctor should look at it.” 

“It’s fine. Don’t worry,” John pulled his hand away and offered the bag to his older brother. “I made these for you.” 

“Thank you, John! There was no need for you to,” Joseph took it, unrolling the top, “but I appreciate it. Really.” He looked inside, “Oh, danishes!” 

John winced, “Hamantaschen.” 

Joseph looked up, “I’m sorry?”  
The corner of John’s mouth twitched. “They’re poppy seed.” 

“I’ve only had muffins like that. Should I try one now?”  
“Yes!” John sounded too excited. Jacob wondered if he should intervene. But it was just food and everyone in the congregation knew that John was always enthusiastic about his brother. It seemed that John was aware of how he sounded, as he glanced aside, “I mean, it’s already been a few hours and they’re better fresh.” 

Joseph didn’t seem to notice the internal conflict within his brothers as he reached inside, still smiling obliviously, “Next time, you can find me before mass and I’ll try them then. It seems like such a waste for your cooking to not be fully appreciated.” He pulled one out and held it out for Jacob. “Would you like one?”

“No, I—” 

John cut Jacob off, “Those are for  _ you _ , Joseph. I made them for  _ you.  _ Not for Jacob. Not for anyone else. He wouldn’t like them anyways.”

“I appreciate that John,” Joseph frowned, “but we are called to share, especially with those we love. And I am more than certain that Jacob would appreciate your skills.” 

As much as Jacob didn’t want to, it was clear he had to speak up, “It’s fine, Joseph, I don’t want any anyways.” 

John put a hand on Jacob’s shoulder, “It’s the poppy seed. He doesn’t like the taste.” 

Joseph’s frown deepened as he looked to Jacob, “Is that so?”

He didn’t want to lie to his brother, so Jacob shrugged. 

“I see,” Joseph said. He brought the pastry to his mouth and took a confident bite. Jacob heard John’s breath hitch as Joseph’s eyes closed while he chewed. 

“How is it?” John asked.

Joseph exhaled, smiling wide. He swallowed. “I will never understand how you work these miracles, John. This is masterwork.” 

John breathed out, his shoulders visibly relaxing. “You are too kind, Joseph. But I did work hard.”

“I’ll need to be careful or else you’ll lead me to gluttony,” Joseph took another bite.

“If that happens, then I’ll make you something healthy. Maybe if you put me in charge of your diet, you could have my cooking all the time. I promise I wouldn’t overfeed you.” 

Something very uncomfortable flickered over Joseph’s face. Jacob wasn’t sure if John caught it, but he certainly had.

“That’s unnecessary, John. I wouldn’t ask that of you.” 

“It’s not asking if I’m offering.” 

“John,” Jacob said, “Joseph isn’t interested.” 

The expression on his littlest brother’s face was one between offense and shame. His earlier words suddenly made a lot of sense. What he usually would’ve dismissed as a bad day for John now made Jacob feel sick. 

He glanced around. The stragglers of the congregation who remained had given them plenty of space. At least they respected the brothers’ privacy. And Faith. Jacob looked for any white. He saw her, sitting against a wall, protected in its shadow. Their eyes met. She smiled. Then looked away, pushing herself up to stand. 

“Jacob?” Joseph’s voice drew his attention. He turned to his brother. 

“Yes?”

“I asked how you were. You had to leave abruptly earlier, so we didn’t have a chance to properly say goodbye.” 

“Right,” Jacob said. He did have to leave quickly. Early in the morning, his radio had gone off with several of his soldiers asking for instruction. The Whitetails had gathered enough balls to actually try and assault several of his outposts at the same time. It was a purely futile effort since all of them were either killed or captured. To say it was a nuisance would be a vile understatement. Jacob wasn’t John, so he didn’t go on a rampage to avenge his ruined morning with Joseph, but he did beat several of their women to death in front of their fellow rebels. 

“Was everything okay?”

“I took care of it.” 

“I see. I’m relieved.”

“Were you okay?” Jacob asked.

“Yes,” Joseph nodded, “and I was not offended. I understood. Such was the duty I have given you.” 

“Jacob’s time with you was spoiled?” John asked.

“Yes. But unlike our time, it was not my fault.” 

John made a motion as if to grab Joseph’s hand, but he caught himself and instead adjusted his sunglasses again, “It wasn’t your fault. The Voice struck. But if you’re offering, I would like to wake next to—”

“Not here, John,” Jacob said. 

“When you cut me off like that,” John glared, “it just seems more suspicious.” 

Joseph rubbed his bare forearms, looking aside and very uncomfortable.

“Let’s not talk about this,” Jacob said, “Are you okay, Joseph?”

He gestured toward the fabric in his older brother’s hands, “Can I have that back?”

Jacob glanced down. He wasn’t sure if Joseph actually wanted it back right then or if he was referencing what Jacob had done the last time he had authority over Joseph’s shirt. 

“It’s filthy,” John said, saving him the awkwardness. He pulled it from Jacob and held it out. “See? It’s covered in dirt.” 

“That’s fine,” Joseph said, “I do not mind.” 

“Why are you concerned about this right now? You’re shirtless all the time,” John draped the clothing over his arm, “You didn’t seem to mind when you took it off.” 

“John,” Jacob nearly growled. He sighed, “Here, Joseph,” and started pulling his fatigues off. 

“Jacob, no. That’s very unnecessary. Those are yours and I haven’t earned them. My things are just over there, I can just get them.”

“You’re uncomfortable right now though. Anyways, everyone who sees you in these will know that they’re mine. They’re not going to question it. And it’s just clothes,” Jacob pressed his fatigues against Joseph’s chest, “Take them and give them back.”

“Jacob—”

“I trust you, Joseph.” 

Joseph hesitated, but he bent down, setting the pastries on the ground, and took the fatigues, carefully pulling them on. When he buttoned it, his hands were shaking. He looked at Jacob, seeking reassurance. 

“Don’t worry. Being on you is probably the best thing they’ve gone through.” 

“I see.” 

John patted Joseph’s arm, “You look like a real soldier now.” 

“Do I?” 

“No,” Jacob said. 

“Oh. I see. I feel relieved. “

John laughed. He brought his knuckles to his lips. Though Joseph probably couldn’t see from his angle, Jacob could see him dig his teeth into the bone. 

“We should go,” Jacob said, “I have much to attend to and I’m sure John does as well.” 

“Yes, I should,” John said, clearly reluctant.

“If you’ll wait a moment, I’ll grab another shirt and return this to you.” 

“Don’t worry about it,” Jacob raised his hand out of instinct, aiming to cup Joseph’s face, but he set it on his shoulder instead. “You can give it back tomorrow.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“I trust you.” 

“What Jacob is saying,” John said, “is that he wants an excuse to see you tomorrow.” 

“John,” Jacob sighed.

“Is that so,” Joseph said, looking aside again. 

“I’m leaving,” Jacob said, stepping back, “See you later, Joseph. Bye, John.”

“Take care, Jacob,” Joseph said. 

“Have fun setting those sinners free!” 

Jacob decided it’d be better to not acknowledge John and turned his back to them. As he walked, he glanced to where Faith had been. She was gone. Later that week, he decided, he’d track her down and ask her what she wanted to say earlier.

  
  
  
  
  


Something inside John felt a little bad about bothering Joseph twice in one day. He couldn’t figure out why though. Joseph had taken up the duty of guiding everyone. It was his responsibility to be there for others, especially his brothers. And Joseph loved John. Of course he wouldn’t mind his little brother’s presence. 

John stopped hesitating and pulled the church door open. He held it open with his foot so he could secure the papers and binder under his arm with both hands. The light was wonderful especially after a drive and trek in the dark night. He didn’t need to fake his smile as Joseph turned in the first pew, looking at him. His brother was still wearing Jacob’s fatigues. John wasn’t sure why that pissed him off so much. Probably the fact that it reminded him he should've brought Joseph's clothes with him. But Joseph didn’t seem as enthusiastic. His back curled, shoulders raised, and he glanced down before gazing back at John. Joseph’s smile twitched on his face, faltering between every second. 

“Sorry, I interrupted your prayers,” John said. That little part inside of him said no, that wasn’t why Joseph looked so burdened. But again it didn’t make sense. Maybe he was just paranoid after what he’d told Jacob. Why’d he have to say something so stupid? Yes, maybe it was true. But it didn’t matter. Jacob was happy with Joseph. John was happy with Joseph. Joseph was… going to be happy with them. That was all that mattered. 

“John, what time is it?” 

“Nine? No, it should be ten now.” 

Joseph frowned, “What are you doing here?”

John held up his paperwork as he walked down the aisle, “Tax codes are being revised. Congress is tightening requirements on section 501 and changing what’s considered outside income. I need to figure out how to make sure that the Project still qualifies.” 

“I see,” Joseph relaxed, “Then you need to ask me questions?”

“No, not at all,” John sat beside Joseph, “I couldn’t stop thinking about you. So I thought if I came here, I could focus on this better.” 

“John—” the worry in Joseph’s voice cut through John’s skin.

“Ah, don’t give me that. I just wanted to see you. You’ll give me moral support to slog through this nonsense,” John reached into his vest pocket and pulled out his reading glasses.

“You need glasses?” Joseph asked.

“If I’m going to be staring at this for a long time, yes. It’s why I had to print it out,” John gestured with his handful of papers, “All those screens in law school took their toll. And it helps me if I can take notes directly on it. Oh, but how do I look? Do they do me any favors?"

“You really are so studious," Joseph said, refusing to indulge him, "I’ve always admired your intellect, John.” 

“You’re smarter than me, Joseph. Look at what you’ve built! You’ve done so much for everyone.” 

“Yes,” Joseph looked ahead towards the pulpit, “I suppose so.” 

John leaned his head onto Joseph’s shoulder. “Everything I’ve ever done, it’s all been for you.” 

Joseph tensed, “John, you do not mean that. You didn’t know me for half your life.” 

“And all that time I was just preparing without knowing. It was just build-up, the rising action until I met you and my life actually started. You’re so precious, Joseph. You’re everything to me. So I’ll do anything for you,” He sat up straight and opened the binder, pulling a multi-pen from its spine, “even read through all of this boring legal speak.” 

Something sad tinged Joseph’s face. His eyes narrowed and the corners of his mouth dipped as if he was about to cry. 

“Joseph?”

“...Thank you, John.” 

“It’s not an issue,” John patted his brother’s shoulder, “It’s literally my job.” 

“Yes,” Joseph looked aside, “Our duties.” 

“Our duties,” John agreed. He adjusted his reading glasses as he looked down at the documents. The pew creaked and John felt as Joseph leaned back. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his brother’s folded hands, a rosary wrapped around his fingers. 

  
  
  
  


John pulled his reading glasses off as he closed his pen, sliding it back into the spine of the binder. There would need to be a few changes, mostly in tithe filing. But overall, things would be the same. He shut the binder. 

“We’ll be fine, Joseph,” John said, barely stifling a yawn. When he received no response, he looked to his brother. Joseph was hunched over, eyes closed, hands folded on his forehead as if he was praying, but the way his mouth was parted and his serene expression gave away that he was asleep. John laughed under his breath. His brother was really too precious. 

“Hey, Joseph,” John said gently, shaking Joseph’s shoulder, “Wake up.” 

Joseph startled awake, sitting up straight. He cleared his throat, “My apologies, I fell asleep.”

“It’s okay. It’s late. Or, I guess it’d be early now. I’m not sure,” John squeezed his brother’s shoulder, “But you didn’t need to stay with me. If you were tired, you should’ve gone to bed.” 

“I didn’t want to leave you.”

“Joseph,” John lightly laughed again.

“And it was nice spending time with you. Even though we didn’t talk, your presence was,” Joseph rubbed his eyes under his glasses, “something I really appreciated.” 

“Hey, no past tense, Joseph. I’m still here. Unless now that you’re awake, you don’t want me around.” 

“No!” Joseph grabbed onto John’s coat, “I did not mean it like that!” 

John smiled, “I was joking. Of course you don’t mean it like that. I’m sorry for teasing you.” 

Joseph let go of his younger brother, looking aside, “No, I’m sorry for my overreaction. I’m just tired, I suppose.” 

“Then let’s get you to bed,” John stood, gathering his papers into his binder, “I’ll walk you there.” 

“You’re leaving?”

“You need to sleep, Joseph.”

“But it’s dark. Isn’t it dangerous to go back alone at night?” 

“No, not really. But if you’re worried, I can call the Chosen to escort me,” John offered his hand to Joseph, “Will that make you feel better?” 

“I would feel best if you stayed here. At least until the sun rises.” 

John gasped, unable to contain his joy and excitement. “You really mean that, Joseph? You want to spend the night with  _ me _ ?” 

“I,” Joseph hesitated, “want you to be safe.” 

“So that’s the only reason then?” 

Joseph looked down. He took John’s hand. “I think the fact that I offered speaks for itself.” 

“ _ Yes _ ,” John shuddered with happiness, “Yes, yes, yes, it does!” 

“John,” Joseph’s voice had a disappointed edge as he stood, “we’re in God’s house.” 

“Oh, sorry. I’ll be quiet. Sorry, Joseph.” 

“It’s okay.” 

Before John pushed the church door open with his shoulder, Joseph pulled his hand free. It made sense. But it still stung John’s chest. The fact that there’d never be a day where they could be affectionate in public made it burn worse. It was a good thing that Hope County was a big place then. There were lots of places outside of private rooms where no wandering eyes would find them. 

“John? Are you okay?” 

Realizing that he’d just been standing with the door half open, John forced a reassuring smile, “Of course. It just hit me how tired I was.” 

“Then it is wise that you’re staying,” Joseph said, way too seriously. It was so adorable that John had to turn away. He held the door open for his older brother. As Joseph passed, he muttered his thanks. His voice dripped with sincerity. It was totally unnecessary, but still far too cute. John honestly had no idea how Joseph didn’t notice what he was doing to his brother. 

  
  
  


When Joseph led John to a different house than before, John wasn’t too surprised. Enough time had passed that Joseph probably relocated at least twice. At least he claimed a proper residence and not a tent. Or a bridge. That happened once. Apparently he spent two nights under a tree before. If John had known, he would’ve intervened, but no one thought to tell him. Any of those would’ve been much harder to explain sharing. Joseph opened the door without unlocking it. It made sense, John supposed. It wasn’t like there were any heretics around and no one would dare intrude on the Father. Joseph probably didn’t devote that much thought to it. 

John set his binder down on the nearest table after setting his shoes aside. The house was smaller than the one Joseph had recovered in. From a single lookover, it only had two proper rooms. John wouldn’t have been content with it, but Joseph clearly found it fine enough. 

“Hey, Joseph?” John asked, watching Joseph grab a glass from the window sill and fill it with water from the sink.

“Yes, John?” Joseph took a sip.

“Since I’m here, can I try something with you?” 

Joseph watched him over the brim of the glass as he leaned back against a counter. He wasn’t drinking it. Just watching John. Maybe he was frozen. That was probably it. 

“You can say no,” John said, “I can sleep on a chair.” 

After another pause, Joseph finally set the cup down. He stared at it. When he spoke, his voice was soft. “What do you want to do, John?” 

“Do you remember when we spent the night together? What I tried doing?”

Joseph sighed. “You wish to perform oral sex on me.” 

When he said it so clinically, he made it sound ridiculous. Shame rose in John’s stomach. He looked away. 

“I’ve been thinking about it,” he said. “I know you said it was demeaning, but I really want to. It’s not demeaning if I want to. And it won’t be your fault. You’ll just be,” John looked back to Joseph, “putting up with me. As usual.”

“...This is really what you want?” 

“Yes,” John crossed to Joseph, sweeping his brother’s hands up and squeezing them tight, “I really want this. I really,  _ really  _ want this.”

“Why?” Joseph tugged his hands back, but John didn’t let go, “I do not understand. You don’t derive any pleasure from such an act. Only me.”

“I do though. Seeing you pleasured and knowing that I’m the cause, isn’t that a good enough reason?” 

“I… do not know, John.” 

“Even if that wasn’t good enough,” John leaned in, nearly pressing their lips together, “I’ll be able to taste you.” 

Joseph turned his head before John could kiss him. “That sounds sickening.” 

“I want to know everything about you, Joseph,” John mouthed at his brother’s neck, “I want to hear every sound, feel every part of you, taste every flavor—”

“John.” 

There was a shake in his voice.

John leaned back. Joseph turned back to him, eyeing his little brother warily. Smiling reassuringly, John brought Joseph’s hand to his cheek and rubbed it through his beard. 

“I want to crawl inside you and become one with you, but if I did that, you wouldn’t be able to look at me anymore.” 

Joseph stiffened, as tight and frozen as a corpse. His mouth had parted, his brows were furrowed, and he stared at John with a horrified expression. 

“I love you, Joseph. I want to say Yes to every part of you. You only need to offer.” 

“John.”

“But that’s not how it’s been. I’ve been the one asking. You’ve been the one saying yes.” 

Slowly, Joseph nodded.

“I hope that’s okay.”

“John,” Joseph swallowed, “Jacob told me that you’ve always been like this.” 

“Have I?” John frowned. He dropped Joseph’s hands and glanced away. “No, that’s not,” he stopped, and looked back to Joseph. “Maybe on some level, but not entirely. I’ve certainly changed. I was always so empty, but now I know what I need. And that’s you, Joseph. I need you. More, and more,” John wrapped his arms around his older brother, “and more, and more.” 

“I wanted to fix you, John.” 

“And you have,” he pressed a kiss to Joseph’s neck, “because this is how God intended me. To be there for you in every way. Waiting on hand and foot at your beck and call. Saying Yes to every one of your needs, even the ones you don’t want to say and even the ones you don’t know about.” 

“Is that really how it is?”

“Yes. Absolutely.”

“Are you happier like this?” 

“When I’m with you? Of course. I’m happier than I’ve ever been.” 

“What about when you’re not?” 

John pulled back to look into Joseph’s eyes. He pressed a quick peck to his brother’s lips. 

“The times that I’m with you makes up for it.” 

Joseph gazed aside though he still faced John. “Is that really happiness?” 

“Then,” John snatched one of his hands and pressed it over his heart, “what’s this emotion?” 

“I do not know.” 

“It’s so warm and kind and radiating. It’s like the rays of the sun. It heats me, through and through, when I have been so frozen in the past. Does that make sense, Joseph?” 

“It does.” 

“Then what is it? I can read sins, but if this isn’t happiness, then I don’t know what it is. What is it, Joseph?”

“Joy? Contentment? Love? John, I,” Joseph pulled away, stepping aside from John, “You say that you’re so happy, but how can you be? You’re trapped in a mania, forced to love me.” 

“Why are you saying that like loving you is a punishment?” 

“John,” Joseph sighed, he turned his back to his younger brother. “When we had sex, I hurt you. I put you at risk of serious injury. I used you for my pleasure when you were in so much pain. John, I hurt you.” 

“No,” John hugged Joseph again, pressing his body into his brother’s back, “I loved it, Joseph. I came, remember? It was so good. I can’t wait to do it again. You didn’t hurt me, I wanted it.” 

“Then,” Joseph took a deep breath, “next time, I’ll be sure to do it properly.” 

“I can’t wait. I can’t wait to be connected to you again.” 

“Okay.” 

“So can I?” John nuzzled the crook of Joseph’s neck. It was too bad that he smelled like blood and fur, like Jacob. 

“Okay.” 

“Say yes, Joseph.” 

Joseph looked down. He didn’t say anything. At least not for several seconds. Finally he put his hands over John’s on his chest. 

“Yes.”

“ _ Yes,  _ yes, yes,” John peppered the back of Joseph’s neck with sloppy kisses, “yes, yes, yes.” 

Joseph pulled John’s hands off of him. He held onto one, adjusting his grip so they were aligned. 

“You want to get this over with, don’t you?” John asked light-heartedly.

“Yes.” 

John winced. “Joseph, I was kidding.” 

“Oh. Sorry. My apologies,” Joseph glanced down, looking genuinely guilty. 

“It’s fine. You’re letting me do this so I should be grateful. Don’t worry about it.” 

Slowly, Joseph nodded. He pulled John along into the next room. It was even smaller than the last, only enough for a bed and some walking space. Joseph stopped, dropping John’s hand.

“I do not know how to do this,” he said.

“You don’t need to do much. I’ll take care of most of it.” 

“Okay,” Joseph said, wearing his nervousness openly. 

“You should sit down.” 

Joseph nodded and obeyed, sitting on the bedside. His hands were in tight fists on his knees.  “Then you sit beside me?” he asked without looking at John, “So that it’s equal?” 

“I could, but,” John got down on his knees in front of his older brother, “I wanted to do it like this.”

“I see.”

“Is that okay?”

“It feels wrong.” 

John patted Joseph’s hand, “It’ll start feeling good soon. Can you take Jacob’s jacket off? I don’t want to look up and see him.” 

“If I were him, would you be doing this?” 

John snarled in disgust. The mere thought made his stomach turn. “ _ Never _ . Please don’t say that, Joseph. Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit. He’s my  _ brother. _ ”

“I’m your brother.” 

“Yes, but it’s different, Joseph. It’s you. It’s okay if it’s you. You’re the only one for me, Joseph.” 

“That’s relieving,” Joseph said, pulling off Jacob’s fatigues. 

“Are you jealous?” John said. He was teasing, but to say he wasn’t hopeful would be a lie.

“I am repulsed by the thought of you and Jacob committing such a sin together.”

“It’s okay if it’s us with you?” 

“It is what it is.” 

John sighed, “You’re not reassuring at all tonight, are you?”

“I can not endorse this. That would be another sin.”

“Then I won’t ask you to.” 

Joseph took the time to fold Jacob’s clothes and set them behind him. He reached up for his hair tie. 

“Wait,” John reached out. 

Immediately, Joseph stopped. 

“Can you keep your hair up? And your glasses on?”

“Okay,” he lowered his hands, settling them in the sheets. “Do you prefer me like this?”

“Not necessarily, I just,” John paused. Maybe telling Joseph why wasn’t a good idea.

“John?”

Oh, whatever. He was about to suck his brother’s dick. Joseph could handle hearing about John’s sexual fantasies. 

“It’s how I pictured you when I thought about doing this. I’d be on my knees because it’s penance and I have to earn it by—”

“Stop. That is enough.” 

Okay, maybe he couldn’t handle it. Or just didn’t want to. John looked down at the scuffed wooden floor.

“Penance is a holy process, John. It should not be stained by our sinful desires.” 

“I know. It’s just a daydream, Joseph.” 

“Sins can be carried in our thoughts.” 

“Yes, Joseph. I know. I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t let it happen again, or I will put you through actual penance. And it won’t be like this.” 

“Yes, Joseph. I understand.” 

Joseph’s fingers threaded through John’s beard, easing him up to look at Joseph. His older brother didn’t seem angry. He had the same endlessly patient and ethereal expression he always did when John let him down.

“I only do this because I love you, John. I guide you with a firm hand to save your soul. I told you, there is no reason for me to enter Eden unless you and Jacob are at my side. Doing this, our relations, is part of that, yes. But so is keeping your souls clean.” 

“I understand, Joseph. Thank you, Joseph. I love you, Joseph. I love you so much. I’m so sorry.” 

“You are forgiven.” 

John grabbed one of Joseph’s hands and pulled it to his mouth. He kissed each of his fingers. 

“Jacob did this too.” 

“He did?” John asked against Joseph’s knuckles.

“You two are more alike than I expected.” 

John pressed his nose to Joseph’s wrist and breathed in deep. Now his scent was right. It warmed his heart. He wanted this odor forever, but if he did that, then he’d get used to it and lose it. It was better to just treasure it when he could. When his tongue flicked out, dragging against the sweaty skin, Joseph’s breath hitched. It was salty and honestly tasted a bit like dirt. But that wasn’t bad. It was a unique taste, perfect for his precious older brother. 

Joseph pulled his hand back. John let him go without any fight. He reached for Joseph’s pants only for Joseph to catch his wrists. 

“Are you okay?” John asked, watching Joseph’s face. His brow was furrowed and his mouth was a thin tight line. 

“This feels wrong.” 

“It’ll be okay.”

“No, it won’t.” 

“I want to. Okay, Joseph? I really want this.” 

Slowly, Joseph released John. As John undid his pants, he made sure each motion was steady and clear. It was hard since he just wanted to tear them off, but if Joseph was too nervous to get an erection, that’d make them both feel awful. Pulling them off was a lot easier than the other night. Mostly because of their positions. John counted that as a mental win still. There wasn’t any real reason to, but he needed the confidence. 

Thinking back to the women who sucked him off wasn’t helpful. They made it seem really easy while making a big show of it. It wasn’t like he was paying attention to the details either. It couldn’t be too hard, right? 

That was the attitude he’d had last time and he spent the next two days bleeding from the ass, so maybe not. 

When Joseph’s legs were entirely exposed, John shuffled on his knees. He took in the full sight. Joseph was beautiful in every way and in every place. Even the scabbing on his thigh was healing nicely. Soon it’d be another testament to his inner strength. John leaned his cheek against Joseph’s thigh.

“Are you ready?”

Joseph stared at him. His expression was unreadable.

“Joseph?”

“Do as you like, John.”

“That means no then. That’s okay. We don’t need to rush.” 

“No. Please start. If we delay it, then that will only prolong my anxieties.”

“You really meant it when you said you wanted to get this over with.” 

Joseph frowned, “You asked and I said yes.” 

“Same thing.” 

“I would not say that.” 

“And you’d be right,” John said, smiling as he kissed Joseph’s thigh. He was so strong and firm. The pinnacle of what a human could be. No wonder God picked him. John glanced up to see Joseph’s reaction, but his brother was looking away. John bit back a frustrated groan and put on his sweetest tone as he called, “Joseph.”

Joseph turned to him, “John.”

“Look at me.” 

“I am.”

“You weren’t. Look at me. Keep looking at me.” 

“I don’t want to see this.” 

“Joseph, you asked how I’m able to enjoy doing this. It’s because you’ll be looking at me. I’ll have your full attention on me. But if you’re not looking at me, then I can’t enjoy this.”

“If that’s the case, then we can just not.”

“But, Joseph, I want to.” 

Joseph sighed. “Okay, John. I’m watching you.”

“I know,” John breathed out against his brother’s thigh, “and it feels so good. Your eyes are beautiful, Joseph. They’re the second most beautiful thing in this world. Second only to you, of course.” 

“You shouldn’t say things like that.” 

“Is it a sin?”

“It is close to idolatry.”

John laughed, rubbing his hands over Joseph’s leg, kneading his fingers into the skin, “It’s funny that you’re saying that.” 

Joseph frowned, “What do you mean?”

“Nothing. Can I touch you more?”

“Am I guilty of something, John?”

Pointing out that commissioning a hundred portraits, a choir book’s worth of songs, and having a giant statue of himself was probably veering closer to idolatry than anything else would just ruin what little mood they had, so John shook his head. “Can I?” 

“...Go ahead.” 

John shuffled forward, pushing Joseph’s legs more apart so he could fit. Joseph’s dusty reek seemed to grow stronger, but that might’ve just been his wishful thinking. He settled one hand over Joseph’s scabs and the other over a scarred S on his stomach. A tremble ran through his older brother under his touch. 

“Is it nice?” he asked.

“I do not know, John.” 

“That’s okay. It will,” John said, leaning forward. He pressed his face into his brother’s pubes, huffing in deep. Joseph yelped. He tried to push John away. Joseph probably could have succeeded, if only he wasn’t obviously afraid of hurting his little brother. John pushed back against his hands, inhaling Joseph again. The overwhelming mustiness honestly would’ve been revolting if it were any other situation. With anyone else, he would’ve mocked them and yelled at them to take a fucking shower. But it was Joseph and every facet of Joseph was perfect. John swallowed down the saliva overflowing his mouth. If he weren’t careful, he’d drool all over Joseph’s crotch. He lapped at the skin, earning a tongueful of rough hair. Joseph’s hands on his shoulder tightened. 

A preciously pathetic sound leaked from his older brother’s mouth. It filled John with another disgusting immature urge. Before he could stop himself, he gave in. He bit down. His teeth cut through the curls with a popping kind of sensation. He swallowed them down. Only to cough when they caught on his throat. 

Joseph pushed him again. This time John didn’t resist. 

“John! Are you okay?”

He nodded, still coughing. That was a horrible idea. 

“What happened? Did I do something?”

John shook his head. He swallowed again. That seemed to dislodge the hairs. “I just got,” he cleared his throat, “a bit excited.” 

“You need to be careful.”

“I know. I’m sorry, Joseph. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

Joseph ran his fingers through John’s hair. He stroked his brother lovingly. 

“I know you want to please me,” he said, “but you please me enough just the way you are. You don’t need to put on an act.”

“I’m not putting on an act.” 

Joseph made an odd sound. He brushed his thumb over John’s temple. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I know that if I were erect, this would be easier.” 

“It’s not your fault. I’ve just been indulging myself too much. See, I can fix this,” John leaned in again, bringing his palm to his mouth and sloppily dragging his tongue over it. He tasted disgusting. Bitter and chemical. For Joseph’s sake though, he forced through the taste, covering his hand in spit. Joseph watched the whole process, his disgust seeping through his concerned expression. 

“Okay,” John said, “Are you ready?”

“Go ahead.” 

John wrapped his hand around Joseph’s flaccid penis, eliciting a nervous shuddering breath from his older brother. When he did this a few weeks ago, he was too caught up to really take in how awkward it felt. But yeah, holding another man’s dick was weird, to say the least. All personal issues John would’ve taken with it were thrown aside because it was Joseph. But the angle he had to hold his hand and turn his wrist at were uncomfortable and there was no getting around that. 

He tried rubbing and kneading the soft organ like how he usually touched himself. Besides a few uncomfortable groans, Joseph wasn’t responding. John was getting a little frustrated. Not with Joseph, but with himself. He brought his mouth to the head of Joseph’s cock and pressed a kiss to it.

With a panicked shriek, Joseph jammed the base of his palm into John’s eye. 

John snarled a, “ _ Fuck _ !” as he fell back, covering his eye with his hand and breaking his fall with the other. He hissed at the throbbing pain spreading into his brow and cheek.

“John! I’m so sorry!” Joseph hurried to his side. He grabbed his little brother’s wrist and pulled, “Are you okay?”

“What was that!? Why did you do that!?”

“I’m so sorry, John, you surprised me! I didn’t mean to! Are you okay? Let me see.”

John let Joseph pull his hand away. Gently, Joseph set his fingers on John’s cheek. He flinched at the pain, growling. 

“It hurts?” Joseph asked.

“Of course it hurts!” 

“I’m sorry, John! I’m so sorry! I’m the worst, I’ve only hurt you and I keep hurting you and—”

“It’s fine, Joseph,” John winced as he moved. “I’m okay. I can still see.” 

“No, it is not fine! I’ve committed a sin against you! I need—” Joseph started to get up. John latched onto his arm and dragged him back down. “John, let go, I need to repent. I need you to cleanse me and purify me and carve my sin out—”

“I forgive you, Joseph.” 

“I need to repent!”

“I forgive you! Okay!? I forgive you. It’s fine. You don’t need to repent if I forgive you.” 

Joseph stopped struggling and lamely sat beside his brother. “I committed a sin against you.” 

“No, you didn’t. It was an accident. I surprised you and you didn’t mean to hit me like that. It’s not your fault. It’s not a sin if it’s an honest accident, “ John sat up, the pain already dulling to an ache, and patted Joseph’s shoulder. “Do you remember a few years ago, when you walked up behind Jacob and surprised him? And he put you in a chokehold in front of the whole congregation?” 

Joseph nodded.

“You said that wasn’t a sin then, even though he felt just as bad. This is the same. It’s okay, Joseph. See? I’m fine.” 

“Will it heal?”

“Of course it will,” John rubbed Joseph’s back, “It’ll bruise for a bit, but it’ll heal. Don’t worry. It’s fine. It was an accident. I’m sorry for scaring you.” 

“How can I make this up to you?”

“You don’t need to, but since you’re offering,” John pressed closer to Joseph, “How about you trust me?”

“I do trust you,” Joseph said. He still sounded regretful. 

“So you’ll let me do anything?” 

“I,” Joseph turned aside, “If it’s within reason. If you’ll forgive me.” 

“I already said I forgave you. But it’ll make me feel better.” 

Joseph nodded. “Okay. I trust you.” 

“Thank you, Joseph,” John smiled, trying to hide how badly it hurt to make any expression. He kissed his brother. Joseph even made an effort to reciprocate. That was the biggest sign of his guilt. John would’ve felt bad for manipulating Joseph like this, but Joseph did ask for it. 

John pulled back, “Hey, Joseph. Can you do me a favor?” 

“Yes, John.” Somehow nervousness and enthusiasm filled his voice in equal parts. 

“I’d like it if you got on top of me.” 

“I see,” Joseph said. He started to stand. 

“Wait, you’re not going to?” 

“I am,” Joseph frowned, confused, “The bed is there.” 

“I meant here. On the floor.” 

His brow furrowed, “But why?” 

“I would like it more.” 

“But  _ why _ ?” 

“Are you sure you want to hear it?” 

Joseph paused. He settled back in besides John. “No, but tell me.” 

John looked aside. There really was no good way to put it. “It feels more forceful.” 

“Forceful? You mean,” Joseph took the sides of John’s head in hand and dragged him to face his brother, “as in I am forcing you?” 

“No. I mean, yes, but when you phrase it like that, it sounds bad.” 

“John, you want me to act as if I am raping you?” his tone dripped with disgust and horror.

“No! No, no, no, it’s not rape if I want it. Technically it’d be impossible for you to rape me, so I wouldn’t worry about it.” 

Joseph frowned, “This is not reassuring me.” 

“Think of it more as a power dynamic thing.” 

“Again, not reassuring. I would never abuse my God-given authority.” 

“Okay, but you’re not abusing it. I’m asking for you to. And didn’t you say that you’d trust me?” 

Joseph was clearly conflicted, but he slowly nodded. He settled his hands on John’s shoulders and eased him back, moving his legs to straddle one of John’s. 

“Is this good enough?” he asked. He was looking in John’s direction, but his gaze was elsewhere. 

“It is, but,” John raised his hands above his head, overlapping his wrists, “can you hold me here?” 

“Hold you down? No, I can not, that’s—” 

“I want you to, Joseph.” 

Joseph failed to hide his disgust as he pinned John. “This is what you want?” 

“Yes. It’s perfect. It feels so good, Joseph,” he brought his legs together, rubbing his knees against his older brother’s, “I love you so much. Next time we’re together, I want you to hold me down like this too. Is that okay?”

Joseph’s breath hitched. He winced as if he was in pain. 

“If that will please you.” 

“It will. It’ll make me so happy. Can you kiss me now?” 

“Is there a particular way you want me to do that?”

“Are you mocking me?” John made it sound like a joke, but it was a genuine question. 

“I would never mock you. But my intentions do depend on your answer.” 

“Fine, then,” he glanced aside, catching sight of Jacob’s folded fatigues. “kiss me like you kissed Jacob.” 

“Why?” 

“Joseph, if you question everything I do, we’re not going to get very far.” 

“I am only questioning because each thing you ask for is more concerning than the last.” 

“It’s because I’m jealous, okay?” John snapped, “I don’t want you playing favorites between us. It pissed me off seeing his clothes on you. You’ve never worn anything of mine.” 

“I would never favor one of you over the other! I love you both equally! I only took it because Jacob offered, I thought that you were fine with it!”

“I should be,” John said, “but I’m not.” 

“Jacob could never replace you, John! I need both of you!” 

“Logically, I know that. Right now, I’m asking you to indulge my feelings,” John sighed, “I know I’m being immature. But you’re the one doing everything. I’m only asking you to do things. You’re the one who brought me here and you’re the one holding me down. There’s no point in arguing with me. If you want to stop, you can stop at any time. You don’t need my permission for that.” 

“It’s not so simple, John.” 

“In the eyes of the law, it would be. Is it different in the eyes of God?” 

Joseph looked absolutely broken. His gaze didn’t meet John’s. 

“Is it, Joseph?” 

“A sin is still a sin.” 

John sighed. “I’m sorry, Joseph, but that’s hardly an an—”

Joseph cut him off, shoving their mouths together. Shoving was the wrong word. He met John’s lips so gently that it was genuinely worrying. His motions were just as soft. Even though there wasn’t any force behind it, it was still loving. John had no idea how to react. Was he supposed to reciprocate in his usual manner? Or was he supposed to copy Joseph? Before he could figure it out, Joseph parted from him.

“That is how Jacob asked me to kiss him.” 

That jammed every gear in John’s head. “Wait,  _ really _ ?” 

“Yes.” 

John couldn’t hide his bafflement, “Wait, so, so did he make you do that as a, a dominance thing? As in you’re the woman and he’s the man kind of way?” 

“No. He kissed me in the same manner. And,” Joseph glanced aside, something dark flickering through his expression, ”Jacob wouldn’t perceive that dynamic.”  

_ “What. _ ” 

“I was just as surprised. But Jacob is very gentle.” 

“Wait, Joseph, kiss me like how I kiss you. I need to compare.” 

“This seems absurd.” 

“Please, Joseph?” 

Joseph leaned down again. When he pressed their mouths together, it was much more forceful. Everything he did was familiar, in that it was how he usually kissed John. Maybe it was a red flag that he just copied what his brothers did. Granted, seeing how amateur he was a few weeks ago, it probably was just inexperience and didn’t mean anything at all. Joseph pulled away and leaned his forehead against John’s. 

“That was a poor imitation, but I hope you understand what I’m trying to convey,” he said.

“Yes, I do. You can get back on the bed now. I think I need to digest this information for a bit.” 

Joseph sat up quickly, seemingly in a rush to release John. Pinning his little brother down clearly distressed him more than he showed. As he stood, John pushed himself up. His eye throbbed.

“I honestly thought that Jacob would be a lot more,” John paused, trying to think of a nice way to phrase it. There was none. “mean.” 

“I thought you said that the thought of being intimate with him repulsed you.” 

“It does. I wasn’t thinking about me and him, I was worried about him and you.” 

“I see,” Joseph sat in his old spot. 

“Was he scary at all? Did he growl? Bark? Get on all fours and do something weird?” 

Joseph shook his head. “He did none of those.” 

“Wait, ugh,” John reached to pinch his brow before remembering that touching his face all would be a bad idea, “I can’t believe I’m asking this, but I just assumed that you were on top. Like with me. But did he…?” 

The mere thought was making him sick with jealousy.

“No. I penetrated Jacob. John, I must confess, I do not feel comfortable discussing this.” 

“Okay. I’m sorry. This is just completely changing my view on my own brother. I’m never going to be able to look at him the same.” 

“Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.” 

“No, I’m glad you did. I’m not jealous anymore. I don’t know what I am right now,” John took a deep breath. “If he’s really like that, then you should try holding him down too. He’d probably like it.” 

“John, Jacob is not you.” 

“Okay, yes, I wasn’t there. But you should look back on how he acted and consider it.” 

Joseph looked down. John hadn’t actually meant for him to start thinking then and there, but he was touched that Joseph actually took his words to heart. 

“You don’t need to tell me,” John said. He crawled back in front of Joseph and gently eased his legs apart. “You promise you won’t hit me this time?” 

“I’m so sorry, John.” 

“I told you, it’s fine. I forgive you. Please use your words next time though.” 

“I will. I promise.” 

John took a deep breath, bracing himself before he took Joseph’s cock in hand again. Both his palms and Joseph were dry. Seeing how futile his last attempt to jerk him off was, John decided to just skip that step. He leaned close, nearly touching his mouth to Joseph. 

“Are you ready?” 

“I promise I won’t hit you.” 

“I appreciate that.” 

Taking a deep breath, Joseph’s reek filled his head. It was reassuring. And strong enough that it distracted him from his aching face. John licked a small of patch of skin near the head of Joseph’s dick.

He recoiled from the taste, turning aside and barely holding back the urge to spit. It tasted how Joseph smelled, so a bit like a mouthful of soil, a heavy hit of must, along with salt and an overpowering ammonic taste. He was certain that he’d never tasted anything so disgusting in his life. Even Joseph’s bloody semen wasn’t that bad, and that was from his ass. But it was Joseph, John reminded himself. It was Joseph in his purest form. Okay, maybe except for his blood, but it was unlikely that John would ever taste that. It was Joseph. And Joseph was perfect. 

“John? Are you okay?” 

“Yes,” he nodded and looked up at his older brother, smiling. “I was just surprised again. How did that feel?”

“I do not know.” 

“That’s okay.” John didn’t go for another direct taste. Instead, he pressed several kisses along Joseph’s shaft, feeling more ridiculous with each one. At least last time, he had a basic idea of how to get started. Not even Joseph’s gasps and quickening breath made him feel any better. John huffed. This wasn’t working. He had one last idea. Opening his mouth, he tucked Joseph’s limp cock as far into his mouth as he could. He felt like a fucking idiot. The soft loose foul-tasting weight against his tongue only compounded that. At least he didn’t feel like gagging anymore. Reminding himself that it was Joseph’s taste made it bearable. He still couldn’t say that he objectively enjoyed it, but he did value it as something precious. Also Joseph seemed to at least be feeling something. His fingers were tangled tight in the sheets as he panted unevenly. 

“How does it feel?” John asked, er, tried to ask. Since his mouth was full and he was careful to not move his teeth, it came out as muffled gibberish. A gasped whimper tore itself from Joseph’s throat. 

Right. That was a thing that women did. It made sense, the nerve endings were the same even if he was erect or not. What else did whores do? They touched a lot of areas. It was honestly a blur. But if John considered what he did for himself, that was a much clearer guideline to follow. He carefully pulled Joseph out of his mouth, dripping saliva everywhere. As he swallowed, John became painfully aware of how badly he’d been slobbering. 

“Can you sit back a bit?” 

“I do not,” Joseph took in a shaky breath, “understand what you mean.” 

“I mean the angle. Can you just lean back? And I think it’d help if you put your leg on my shoulder.” 

Joseph frowned. His chest was still heaving. “This does not seem necessary.” 

“You said you’d trust me.” 

He glanced away for a moment before awkwardly shuffling onto his tailbone. John lifted his uninjured leg and guided it over his shoulder. It wasn’t much better, and it certainly looked a lot more ridiculous. But aesthetics didn’t matter. Getting his brother off did. At least this way, he had more to work with. 

“Yes,” John said, mostly to reassure himself. “Do you trust me?”

“Yes. I do.” 

John shoved his first two fingers into his mouth, covering them liberally in spit. Something slippery and lasting would’ve been better, but beggars couldn’t be choosers. He pulled them out. Joseph watched him, very confused and more than a little concerned. But he was keeping his word of looking at John. That was something positive. Leaning back in was weird with Joseph’s leg in the way. John still managed. He stuffed Joseph’s dick into his mouth with a little less hesitation. The salt and ammonia had faded away mostly. That helped. He tried to do something with his tongue, but he wasn’t sure exactly what.  

Joseph struggled to keep his eyes open as his panting grew into breathy whimpers. That was a good sign. Hopefully. John slid his slobbery fingers down Joseph’s perineum. When he reached the end, Joseph tensed tight. His hands jolted up from the sheets. It took all of John’s willpower not to flinch and end up hurting Joseph. 

“John,” Joseph’s voice shook, “No.” 

So fingering was out of the question. At least until John could ease Joseph into it. He couldn’t really move his head to respond. The most he could do was just drag his fingers back up. Joseph didn’t fully relax. His hands fell back to the fabric, gripping it tight. When John gently rolled his fingers into the trail of skin, Joseph’s arms jerked and he let out a choked whine. 

But most importantly, he was  _ finally  _ getting hard. 

The feeling of the soft mound of skin against his tongue swelling and stiffening was distressing at first. It wasn’t like Joseph was insanely hung. He was… perfect. Then John loved it. Joseph was alive and moving inside of his body. He was the peak of humanity and yet he was trusting John to debauche him.

“John, this is wrong,” Joseph said, voice shaking and muddy, thick with his accent and shuddering breath. John tried to reassure him out of habit, which only led to him slobbering even more as nonsense syllables slipped out around his brother. Joseph made that choked sound again, though it sounded more like a sob. His hands raised again, only to fall back down. John pulled away. It wasn’t until he gasped for air and received it easily that he realized how hard it was to breathe around Joseph. He wrapped his free hand around his big brother’s dick, gently stroking it.

“Put your hands on me,” he said. 

“N—” Joseph caught himself. He took in a deep trembling breath. “Where?” 

“My hair. My shoulders. Anywhere. Okay, maybe not my face. It still hurts.” 

Joseph slowly nodded. He ran one hand through John’s hair, petting him like before. No, not like before. Before, he was trying to soothe John. Now, he was trying to soothe himself. His other fingers threaded through John’s beard, his thumb brushing his cheek. John had no idea how Joseph could still be so pure in the middle of committing such an act. 

“Isn’t this nice?” John asked.

“I do,” the words caught in his throat, “not know.” 

“Doesn’t it feel good?” 

“It is pleasurable.” 

“That’s good enough,” he kissed the head of Joseph’s cock, wincing as Joseph’s fingers tightened, yanking his hair. The salty and bitter chemical taste from weeks ago was back. That meant he was close, right? 

“John,” Joseph went back to stroking his little brother’s scalp, “Your eye.” 

“It’s fine now.” 

“No, it’s dark. Bruised. I’ve marked you.” 

Inhaling deep to compose himself and hide his irritation, John put on his sweetest expression. “I forgive you. But do you know how you can really make it up to me?” 

“How?” Desperation dripped from that single word. 

“You can focus on what I’m doing and enjoy it.” 

“I see.” 

“Can you do that for me? Please, Joseph?” 

“I,” he hesitated, his fingers stilling, “will try.” 

“Thank you. Have I done anything that you really liked?” 

Joseph frowned. “I do not know. I’ve never done this.” 

“I’m really happy to hear that. Really. I love you so much. I’m so happy that I’m the only person to have ever tasted you like this.” 

“John, saying words like that, isn’t that a bit far?” 

“I could go a lot farther.” 

“I would appreciate it if you did not.” 

John laughed softly, easing Joseph back into his mouth. It was easier to manage now that Joseph had an erection. He still had no idea what he was doing, but at least he didn’t feel so stupid. Judging by the sounds Joseph was making, he wasn’t too picky. His nails would scrape into John’s skin, only to relax instantly. He was still afraid of hurting him. John wanted to tell him that it was okay. That pain like that was different from struck in the face out of fear. He wanted Joseph to mark him. But that’d cause another discussion and they’d already come so far. 

Joseph's hands tightened and jerked back while he curled forward, letting out a harsh throaty whine. The foul heated taste filled John’s mouth without any other warning. There couldn’t have been that much, but it felt like a suffocating amount. John choked. He forced himself to swallow it all down. It was a part of Joseph. It was precious. None of it could be wasted. 

It felt like minutes passed as Joseph struggled to regain himself and John tried to ease out every bit of cum he could. Realistically, it was only several seconds. Joseph finally took a deep breath and leaned back, gently easing John off of him. 

“That is,” he gasped, “enough.” 

John nodded as he rested his head against Joseph’s leg. It had felt like so much semen in the moment, but now it didn’t feel like enough. In fact, he only felt hungrier for more of Joseph. 

Joseph held his hand out by John’s mouth. “You can spit it out. I’ll take care of it.” 

“I swallowed it. See?” He opened his mouth wide, sticking his tongue out. 

Joseph gagged. 

He hurked over and retched.

In his rush to get to his feet, he nearly shoved John to the floor. As he heaved again, Joseph slammed his hand over his mouth. Vomit poured through his fingers. His shoulders hiked up as he bent over. A whole body twitch jerked his hand away as watery puke splattered onto the wooden floor. He gagged again. 

John hurried to stand. “Joseph!” 

Joseph spat out a half-digested chunk. He coughed, hacking up mucus strings of saliva and bile.

“John, I—” he retched. 

“You’re fine, Joseph,” he patted his brother’s back, ignoring the pool of vomit staining his socks. “Are you okay now?” 

“I’m sorry, John, but that was,” another gag, “that was  _ disgusting. _ ”

“I’m so sorry, Joseph. We don’t have to ever do that again. I’m so sorry,” he reached to wrap his arms around Joseph only for his brother to flinch away.

“Joseph?”

“I’ve made a mess of myself and I don’t want you to dirty your clothes.” 

“Oh. Okay. Then,” John glanced around at the mess, “why don’t you wash up and I’ll clean this up? Then you can go to bed.” 

“What about you? Are you leaving me?”

“I assumed you’d want me to go.”

“No, I don’t. I want you to stay. We can sleep together, if that’s what you want.” 

“Of course I want that.” 

Joseph look away, “Then we will. Are you sure you want to clean this? I can.” 

“No, you need to wash up. It’s fine, Joseph, I mean it. I’m not bothered by it. It’s my fault anyways.” 

Joseph didn’t argue. He stepped over a mass of what used to be food, and led John to a pitifully small restroom. John made a mental note to order one of his VIPs to clean up this house later. Joseph deserved better than resting in a place with puke trailed everywhere. 

“Here,” Joseph said, handing John a ragged stained towel. 

“You don’t actually use this, do you?” John took it, looking it over warily.

“No. It was already here before I came. I use what you’ve given me.” 

“Wonderful,” John nodded and stepped back, “Okay, take your time. Relax. I’ll take care of everything.”

Joseph’s gaze faltered. “Thank you, John. I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be. It’s my fault.” 

Though he didn’t look convinced, Joseph shut the door between them. The moment Joseph couldn’t see him, John let his smile drop. He’d stupidly thought that things were going well. That Joseph was slowly becoming attracted to him too. Clearly not. Clearly Joseph was still disgusted by their relationship. He wanted to prove to Joseph that he could serve him, but he only showed off his immaturity. 

John bit his lip as hard as he could. The blood he tasted was disgusting. It was nastier than any taste of Joseph. But, John started back for the bedroom, there was something that could clear his palate.

He kneeled by the entrance, careful to keep his clothes clean. John glanced back. The bathroom door was still shut. He heard the shower. That was good. He pressed his fingers into the splayed puddle. It was still warm, but quickly cooling. Before he could second guess himself, John slid his filthy fingers into his mouth, dragging them over his tongue. He gagged on the taste. It was acrid and sickly sweet. It reminded him of sour milk, except worse in every way. Sour milk didn’t burn his mouth like this did. It seeped into where he’d chewed his lip open, stinging like salt. He swallowed it down and pulled his fingers free.

Carefully, he pinched a half-digested mass. It parted, sliding from his grip at first. He tried again, even softer this time, and dropped it into his palm. If he had to guess what it was, it probably used to be the hamantaschen he’d given. John frowned in disappointment. He hoped that at least some of his cells had been absorbed into Joseph. Maybe Joseph had some left. If not, that was okay, he’d feed him more. 

John scooped the jellified remains into his mouth. He choked on the texture. The taste was the same as the liquid, except maybe a little more potent. The texture was like gelled fat. He coughed, but forced it down. While not all of it was Joseph, the bile certainly was. If Joseph’s semen was futilely trying to impregnate his cells, then maybe the bile would try to break him down. It was a filthy form of cleansing. Even if that wasn’t reality, it was still Joseph. John trailed his fingers through the vomit again and sucked on them lovingly. 

  
  
  
  
  


When Joseph opened the door, John was right outside. He smiled at his older brother.

“All clean,” John said, “I threw away that rag. I see you got dressed. Those aren’t yours, are they?” 

Joseph shook his head. The shirt was worn and might’ve been his size once, but it’d been stretched out. The sweats, on the other hand, were small enough to be snug. John squeezed his shoulder as he passed.

“You should get into bed,” John said, “I’ll be there soon, I just need to wash my hands first.” 

“Okay,” Joseph nodded, but he only leaned against the wall, watching John. He didn’t seem suspicious. If anything, he was merely patiently waiting for his brother. It was so cute that John couldn’t help but smile wider. If Joseph noticed that John washed his mouth out along with his hands, he didn’t say anything about it. 

John spat into the sink. When he looked back to Joseph, he was offering his hand out to his little brother. He wiped his fingers on the nearest towel before taking it. 

“Thank you, John,” Joseph said. “I’m sorry I reacted so badly. I know you only wanted to please me.” 

“It’s okay. I forgive you, Joseph. Do you know why?” 

“Because it is what God calls us to do?” 

John laughed. He tugged Joseph, guiding him close enough to hug him tight. When Joseph hugged back, his heart felt full. 

“It’s because I love you, Joseph. That’s why.” 

“I love you too, John.” 

John pulled back, sliding his hands to cup Joseph’s perfect face. He was stunning, especially when he looked at John with such a fragile expression. As he kissed Joseph and Joseph kissed back, John prayed that his big brother wouldn’t taste himself on his lips. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe i should update the tags for this and actually put warnings in huh idk what do you guys think
> 
> writing this while listening to the "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" sound track is one helluva trip and it is not one i am ready to embark on for longer than 5 minutes 
> 
> pls nominate me for writing the worst blow job in the far cry fandom award ty ty  
> thanks for reading!!! let me know what u guys think ty ily


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so fucking pissed while i was writing last chapter i promised myself that i'd put a joke in the author's note about using the verb "hurk" in a far cry fanfic and im so mad i forgot 
> 
> anyways ass stuff with jacob and joseph this chapter ctrl f "degeneracy" to skip to it

Instead of interrupting Joseph’s preaching, Jacob watched from the gate of the compound. Joseph had asked him to come. He’d clearly made the effort to meet Jacob, since he was nearly outside the walls. But in his usual fashion, he’d gotten distracted. Judging by the times he shouted for emphasis, Joseph was talking about empathy. Of course, Joseph’s idea of empathy only applied to fellow believers. Jacob was certain that if he approached, he’d hear the message that apostates shouldn’t be sympathized with. 

He crossed his arms over the rim of the truck’s steering wheel and rested his head against his forearms, keeping his eyes on Joseph. The flock around him was just a few people. Judging by the red on them, they were Chosen. If Jacob had more authority, he’d yell at them for slacking off. But punishing them for attending to the Father would look bad. 

There was a lull in Joseph’s sermon as he apparently came to the end of a thought. He looked among the faces gathered round, then up through the gate. 

Jacob waved. After a pause, Joseph waved back. He only made a few vague gestures of blessing before leaving. Neatly folded over his forearm was his older brother’s jacket. Joseph pulled the passenger side door open, smiling when his eyes met Jacob’s. 

“How long have you been here?” he asked.

“A while.”

“My apologies. It wasn’t my intention to make you wait.” 

“You’re supposed to preach. That’s your role as our Father. You don’t need to apologize for that.” 

“Thank you for your patience,” Joseph shut the door behind him. He held out the fatigues, “I washed them. Thank you for allowing me to borrow them.” 

“Thank you for returning them,” Jacob took his clothes and put them back on. No one had mentioned their absence, but he did feel a bit odd without them. Joseph nodded and looked forward out the windshield. It struck Jacob how dark the circles under Joseph’s eyes were, how his eyelids drooped, how frequently he blinked and how long they stayed closed. 

“Are you okay?” Jacob asked.

“Yes. I’m fine. Why?” 

“You look tired.” 

“Do I?” Joseph glanced at himself in the rear-view mirror, “My night was a long one. I must not have slept as much as I should have.” 

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay here and rest?” 

“I asked for your time. I’m not going to have you come all the way here just to say nevermind and waste it. And I’m fine. If it’ll reassure you, I promise I’ll make sure to sleep more tonight.” 

“Why didn’t you sleep well? Was it the Voice?”

“No. And I would rather not talk about it.”

“Okay. I understand. But can you at least tell me if it was because of us?” 

“No, Jacob. It wasn’t you.”

“So it was John then.”

“I said,” Joseph said firmly, turning to him, “that I would rather not talk about this.” 

“Sorry, I’ll stop asking. Where do you want to go?”

“The Henbane. Near the Marina.” 

“Faith’s region? You want to see her?” He knew he was being immature, but Jacob was a little irritated. It wasn’t exactly time together if he had to keep up an act the whole time.

“No. It’s merely that whenever I do go there, it’s only to preach. I haven’t had a chance to enjoy the landscape for a very long time. The prison has been dealt with. Nearly all heretics there have been claimed. I thought that if I were going there for no reason, then I’d rather have you or John with me.” 

“It makes sense. I’m happy that you want spend time with me.” 

“I always do. I know I’ve said this before, but,” Joseph looked out the window, “you and John are very precious to me.” 

“And you’re precious to us,” Jacob said, looking over his shoulder as he pulled the gear into reverse. 

“I know,” Joseph said sadly, gaze falling to his lap. He reached up and pulled his hair loose. 

  
  
  
  


“Turn right here,” Joseph said, abruptly interrupting his own ramble about the synchronicity of nature. 

“That’s not the way to the marina.” 

“I’m aware. The place I want to go is south of it.” 

“How far?” Jacob asked, following Joseph’s directions. 

“Not too much. But we’ll have to hike part of the way.” 

“That’s not a problem,” Jacob looked to Joseph, “Will you be okay?” 

Joseph frowned. “Yes. Of course. Why?” 

“I know you will, but,” Jacob reached out, brushing Joseph’s long hair aside, “I like asking.” 

Joseph shuffled in his seat uncomfortably. He leaned away toward the window. “It is unnecessary.” 

“It is. But like I said, I like doing it.” 

“I am an adult man, Jacob.”

“I know.” 

“If treated you in the same manner, would you appreciate it?” His tone made it clear that it wasn’t a real question. Instead of responding with an honest answer, Jacob looked at his younger brother. When Joseph understood, his expression twisting with hurt surprise, Jacob turned back to the road. 

Neither of them said anything for several minutes. Jacob glanced at Joseph every so often, but his little brother was distracted either by picking at his hands or staring out the window. He chewed on his lips, visibly tearing off strips of skin. Even when his eyes closed, Joseph still picked at himself. Jacob suppressed the urge to sigh. He wanted to hold Joseph’s hand, stroke his hair, squeeze his thigh or shoulder, anything to soothe him. But that wouldn’t reassure him. 

After ripping off a chunk of nail, Joseph looked up. 

“Pull over here.” 

Jacob turned the wheel, easing on the brakes. He had a vague idea of where they were, but only in the sense that he could eventually find his way back to the main road. Before Jacob could kill the engine, Joseph was already outside. 

“You should bring your rifle,” Joseph said, glancing back from the edge of the trees. “There’s wildlife here.” 

Jacob nodded and reached back into the truck to grab his 50. cal from behind the driver’s seat. He dropped the sling over his head and threw the rifle around his shoulder. 

“Bears?” 

“You know how the wildlife here is a bit… eclectic.” 

“Right. Then stay by me. I’ll protect you.” 

“I know,” Joseph said. He waited until Jacob was at his side before continuing deeper into the forest. 

“If you had told me that there’d be animals, I would’ve brought a Judge.” 

“We should be fine. I have faith in you.” 

“I appreciate that, Joseph, but I wouldn’t want to risk it.” 

Joseph slowed his pace so that he was next to his brother and put a hand on his shoulder. “I will be safe for you are at my side. God wouldn’t let me die here anyways.” 

“That doesn’t mean that you should take unnecessary risks. We shouldn’t test God.”

“And that is why I have you,” Joseph said smiling. His hand slid off Jacob’s shoulder.

“Do a lot of people come through here?” 

“No. I don’t think so. There’s nothing here.” 

Jacob nodded again and caught Joseph’s hand, interlacing their fingers. Joseph stumbled, but caught himself without needing Jacob’s help.

“If anyone does come, then it’ll just look like you’re leading me,” Jacob said. 

“Hardly. Women may do this, or even a man and a woman, but two men? No.” 

“So what? We’re brothers. They’ll think it’s odd, but they won’t suspect anything.” 

Joseph sighed and continued walking, “I’m not arguing against you, Jacob. Are you only trying to convince yourself?” 

“I can tell that you’re on edge.” 

“Does it matter?”

“Of course it does.” 

Another sigh. “I voiced no protest. I let you kiss me in a similar situation. Why now be any different?”

“That was my region. If anyone were going to see us, it’d be my men. They wouldn’t dare say anything.” 

“You are that confident in your conditioning?” 

“If I’m confident enough to give them guns and turn my back on them, I’m confident enough that they’ll stay quiet.” 

Joseph glanced at him, “But you haven’t told them.”

“No.”

“Then what you are saying and what you are doing are conflicting.” 

“I’m not going to push my luck. Like I said earlier, testing God.” 

“Our relations aren’t within the domain of God.” 

“He’s just turning a blind eye to them?” 

Joseph’s pace slowed. Then he stopped. His head was down-turned, angled away so Jacob couldn’t see his expression. 

“Joseph?”

No response.

“Joseph.” 

When he, again, received no answer, Jacob brought his free hand to the side of his little brother’s face and eased him to look towards his older brother. Joseph’s face was red, scrunched up as if he was fighting tears. He looked absolutely broken. 

“Hey,” Jacob dropped Joseph’s hand to cup his face with both hands, “It’s okay. God sent you that vision, remember? If He was angry with you for allowing this, then He’d tell you directly.” 

Joseph nodded weakly. He gasped a sob. 

“I’m sorry I said that, Joseph. I didn’t mean it. Joseph,” Jacob pulled him into a hug, pressing Joseph’s head into his shoulder, “What you’ve done for me and John, it means everything to us. You’ve made me so happy. I’ve been so happy because of you. Do you know what it’s like, Joseph? To have no meaning? To spend every day praying that you won’t wake up the next? But now,” he pushed Joseph away, only enough so that he could look into his precious brother’s face, “I have a reason to live. I don’t care about living or dying anymore, as long as it means I can die for your sake. As long as it means I can keep you safe.” 

“Jacob,” Joseph shut his eyes, and his accent came back full force, voice rising and falling like a regular man, “Please don’t say things like that.” 

“You need to understand.” 

“I do.” 

“Then why do you insist on fighting it?” 

“Because!” Joseph jerked his fists into his brother’s chest, “See it from my perspective! I already have the weight of everyone’s souls on my shoulders and now I’ve been told carrying the weight of your life this whole time! And this entire time, because I never knew, you’ve only been suffering because I didn’t know!” 

“You never made me suffer.” 

“Yes, I did! I was ignorant of your suffering. And this along with everything else that you’ve confessed to me, that you’re a sodomite, that you’ve committed acts with men— Jacob, I don’t know who you are.” 

Jacob shoved Joseph, slamming his back against the nearest tree. He pinned his shoulders back, forcing his brother to curve awkwardly against the bark. 

“Jacob—”

“This is why I didn’t tell you,” Jacob said, fighting to not snarl or growl, which only made his voice more monotone than ever, “because I knew that even though you  _ do  _ know me, even though you know what I’ve done, you know how I think, you know what I like, what I dislike, you knew every part of my personality except for those two things. But because of these two little fucking things, you act like nothing else matters. You’re acting like that’s all I am.” 

Joseph stared at his older brother, his head slightly downturned. At least he didn’t look broken anymore. Instead, it was a flat glower. He moved his hands to wrap around Jacob’s wrists. 

“How  _ dare  _ you put your hands on the Father,” Joseph’s tone rose with rage, “how  _ dare  _ you speak to the Father in such a manner.” 

“So now you're the Father? Not last week? You're the Father when it's convenient?"

"No, only when my sins would reflect on my mantle. But even when I am not actively wearing it, I am still its host, so any action taken against me is still an action against the Father. Do you understand, Jacob? You are to never," Joseph dug his nails in, " _ never  _ treat me in such a way again. I will tolerate your affections, but I will  _ not  _ tolerate you behaving like a wild dog to be put down."

"That's what you'll do?" Jacob leaned in, "Put me down?"

"Never. But if I must, I will break you and I will reforge you in an image free of this sin."

"Then why haven't you? Why haven't you rebuilt me and John? Why haven't you torn this sin from us?"

Joseph's glare softened. His grip on Jacob slackened. "Because," his voice lost all its fire, back to its vulnerable weakness, "you wouldn't be my brothers if I did that. You would have my blood, but your minds, who you are, you wouldn't be you. If I did that, then I'd truly lose you."

"If it was just me, then you wouldn't hesitate."

"I asked you to do the same to John when I first learned. It is not only against you."

"Losing one of us is okay?"

Joseph's hands slid from his arms. Jacob caught his wrists.

"If it meant saving your immortal soul, then yes. But I've already told you. Both of you are afflicted. So I am the common source. I am the one who must be remade."

"By your logic, you wouldn't be you. If you did that, you'd be taking yourself away from us who need you."

Joseph smiled gently, "Not necessarily." 

The kindness within his expression and tone only made his words crueler. Jacob knew he was holding his brother too tight. He knew he'd leave marks. And he cared. He really did. He didn't want to hurt Joseph. That was the last thing he wanted, but he needed to make him understand. Squeezing harder, he pushed Joseph’s hands back until any further would actually injure him. It had to have been painful, but his brother just watched him, still with that kind smile. 

Jacob released him. He stepped back, no longer able to meet Joseph’s eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, “Let’s stop this then. Let’s end it. We’ll go back to being just brothers.” 

“Jacob,” Joseph drew closer, which only made Jacob back further off, nearly stumbling on the undergrowth. 

“You’ve done enough, Joseph. You’ve made me happier than I’ve ever been. We’ve gone as far as we could go and that’s all I could have asked for. So we should go back now. I’ll be your brother. I promise I won’t ever touch you again.” 

Jacob stumbled again. Joseph took the chance to catch one of Jacob’s arms and pull. It wasn’t enough to bring Jacob close, but he stopped moving away. With his free hand, he grabbed the back of Jacob’s head and eased him into a soft kiss. 

“You told me that I was the only one who could end this,” Joseph said, leaning his forehead to Jacob’s. “And you were right.”

“Joseph—” 

Joseph pressed Jacob’s head lower and stood up straighter to press his lips to his big brother’s forehead. 

“This decision is not yours to make,” he whispered against his skin, then kissed it again. Joseph pulled away, sliding his hand into Jacob’s beard. He held it there. Jacob didn’t understand how Joseph could be so cruel and kind in perfectly equal measure. Finally, Joseph let his hand drop. He turned away from Jacob, glancing back after a few steps. “Come along. This isn’t where I wanted to bring you.” 

Jacob nodded. He followed without thinking. It was easier to just go along than to fight Joseph. No matter what Jacob said, no matter what the reality of the situation was, Joseph would always win. 

It was almost twenty minutes of walking in near silence. The lack of talking was Jacob’s fault. Joseph would comment on the plant life or how the sun shined through the leaves, all in a forced casual way, but Jacob would grunt in response or only nod. Abruptly, Joseph stopped.

Jacob looked to him.

“It’s a bit steep from here. Be careful.” 

“You too.” 

Joseph turned away. 

“Joseph.” 

He looked back. “What is it, Jacob?”

Jacob started to offer his hand, but he stopped. “Don’t fall.” 

“I won’t. I’ve come here many times in the past and haven’t fallen once.” 

Jacob nodded again. He followed behind Joseph closely, ready to grab him in case he slipped. The treeline opened up onto a grassfield sloped along the mountainside, gently rolling and sparse with trees. Between them and it was a steep incline covered in rocks. There wasn’t anything particularly stunning about it, in Jacob’s opinion. If Faith hadn’t sieged the prison, he would’ve said it was an outright risk. There were too many vantage points, too many places for someone to hide and they’d never notice until it was too late. 

Joseph didn’t have any of those concerns seeing as he stepped onto a large chunk of stone without hesitation. While Jacob didn’t trust their integrity, he stayed as close as possible, eyeing Joseph’s feet. But Joseph knew what he was doing. He didn’t stumble once. 

“Is there something special about this place?” Jacob asked when his feet touched proper earth again. 

“This is where I introduced Faith to her region.”

“This Faith?”

“She as well, but I was referring to the first.” Joseph looked over the land, “I bring all of them here.”

“Any reason?”

“Sentimentality, I suppose. The sky was beautiful that first time, filled with shades of light I’d never seen before. It seemed like God was telling me that He’d chosen her as well.” Joseph glanced down, “This place is special to me,” then turned back to Jacob, “this is why I wanted to bring you here too.” 

Guilt rose in Jacob’s throat for how he’d treated Joseph earlier. “You didn’t need to.” 

“There’s much that I do that I do not need to. But I wanted to do this. I know that I struggle with expressing myself properly. I can communicate the words of God, but not my own. I hope that this conveys what I can’t find the right words to say.” 

“It does,” Jacob swallowed, “Thank you, Joseph.” 

“This isn’t the exact place I took them. That place is further up.” 

“Do you want to take me there?” 

“Yes. That was my intention.”

Jacob offered his hand. He wasn’t sure if it was the best decision, but he was still sick with regret. Joseph smiled and took it, squeezing his older brother’s fingers reassuringly. 

“I’m sorry for what I did,” Jacob said, “and I’m sorry for how I’ve been treating you.” 

“I forgive you. But do not lay your hands on me in such a way again. I deserve your respect.” 

“You do.” 

“Then you’re forgiven,” Joseph pulled Jacob, guiding him along. He didn’t take him far, only higher up the slope where the remains of a dead tree laid scattered. Joseph’s shoulders fell at the sight.

“Is something wrong?” Jacob asked.

“This tree used to be alive. We would rest under its shade and admire the sunlight. But now…” he looked saddened. 

Jacob moved ahead, dragging Joseph. He sat down, back against the largest length of fallen trunk, pulling Joseph down with him. Pulling the strap over his head, he set his rifle at his side. 

“Things pass, but that doesn’t change their importance,” Jacob said.

“You’re right.” Joseph gazed up to the blue sky dotted with clouds. “It’s not as brilliant as it was that first time.” 

“I don’t mind.” 

“Maybe someday we can see that sky together.” 

“It’s the same sky.” 

“Is it? I suppose you’re right, but…” Joseph sighed. 

“Don’t be disappointed. You can’t control the weather. Anyways, I’m happy to be here with you.” 

“Even though I angered you?”

“You didn’t make me angry.” 

“Then I hurt you.” 

Jacob put his arm around Joseph’s shoulder. “I’m not that weak.” 

“I hurt John and then I hurt you. I keep doing that when all I want is to make you two happy.” 

“If you consider the position we’ve put you in, then lashing out is understandable. You could even say that it’s not your fault.” 

Joseph looked down to the dirt. “Have you seen John?” 

“What do you mean? Of course I have. He’s John.”

“No, have you seen him today?” 

“I haven’t. Why?” 

“I marked him.” 

Jacob’s mouth twitched with the hint of a frown, “What do you mean? When did this happen? After I left yesterday?” 

“Last night.”

“Last night? John stayed?”

“He left. But he came back.” 

“So that’s the reason you didn’t sleep well,” Jacob sighed, “Why didn’t you just tell me?”

Joseph looked at him, “It wasn’t my intention to hide it from you.” 

“Then why?”

“Because,” he gazed away again, “the act we committed was filthy. But I still allowed it to happen, and above all, I hurt John.” He cradled his head in his hands, “I am ashamed.” 

“That’s what you mean by marked.” 

“I struck him.” 

“On purpose?” 

“I… do not know.” 

Jacob fully frowned, “What do you mean?” 

“What he was doing was,” Joseph paused, “it was so wrong and filthy, and yet I owed it to him. He does so much for the Project, he works so hard. Even when he’s cursed with this affliction I’ve given, he’s still focused on our success.”

“You don’t owe anything to us, Joseph.” 

“But when he began, I was,” another pause, “I was so scared. I was filled with revulsion. Seeing him touch me like that, I hated knowing that this whole time, he had watched me while wanting to commit such an act.” Joseph winced, “I don’t understand what corruption has infested him in that he wanted to take that part of me into his mouth and take pleasure in that.” 

“You let him do that?” 

Joseph shuddered. He curled his fingers tight into his hair. 

“You were so against it earlier.” 

“I know.”

Jacob sighed, “And you didn’t want it last night.” 

“I didn’t.” 

“But you still put up with him.” 

“I owed it to him.” 

“No, Joseph,” Jacob took his wrist and gently pulled. Joseph resisted. “Relationships don’t work like that.” 

“We are  _ brothers. _ ”

“And brotherhood isn’t a relationship?”  
Joseph let Jacob take his hand away. “What you and John feel toward me isn’t brotherhood anymore.” 

Jacob sighed, shoving down his frustration and hurt, “That’s not true. You don’t feel the way we do, so don’t act like you understand it.” 

“I don’t. But if what you’re saying is true then,” Joseph looked down at his other hand, “I have no excuse for allowing that act. I’m just as filthy.” 

“That’s not what I’m saying. All I’m saying is that when it comes to things like this, then you shouldn’t force yourself to endure something because you’re thankful.” 

“Is that so?” Joseph’s face softened, “Then when you promised you’d stop touching me, would you keep it?”

Even though his first instinct was to look away, Jacob forced himself to look into his brother’s eyes, “I will.” 

“What would it be like?”

“It doesn’t matter, I’ll keep my promise.” 

Joseph shook his head, “No, Jacob, the way you’re speaking about it is wrong. I never accepted this promise. It is not ‘will,’ it is ‘would.’ A hypothetical.” 

“You don’t need to accept it. I already made it.” 

“Then I already broke it.” 

Jacob couldn’t hold his brother’s gaze anymore. He turned downward, guilt festering again. 

"You're not filthy, Joseph. Even if you wanted John to do that, you wouldn't be filthy."

"You weren't there."

"You think I haven't done that before?"

Joseph's sharp inhale was followed by silence.

"Yes, that kind of thing can be dirty, but don't you remember what I told you? It's not just sex, it's expressing our love. John was expressing his love and yes, he did it in a way that you didn't want and he shouldn't have done that, but in the end, it's still love."

"I… trust you on this."

Jacob slid his hand lower from his brother's wrist to squeeze his fingers. "Thank you, Joseph."

Joseph nodded. Slowly, he leaned against Jacob, resting his head on his shoulder. 

"And Joseph?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry for swearing at you earlier. You can punish me later. The Lord knows I deserve it."

"No. I allowed John to get away with it last night. I can oversee it for the sake of being fair."

"You're giving us too much slack."

Joseph brushed his thumb over Jacob's knuckles, "I am more than aware." He looked up into his older brother's face, staring at him intently. "Do you want to kiss me right now?"

"Joseph, I just promised I wouldn't touch you anymore."

"And we just discussed how that promise is invalid. It's not yours to make. Do you want to kiss me, Jacob?"

"Yes. Always."

"Always? Even when I am spreading the words of the Lord?" 

"Yes."

"How blasphemous," Joseph said, but his tone was sweet and his smile was kind. "How about when we were children? Did you want to touch me then?"

"I don't know. I can't remember."

"I was thinking the other day. I remembered how I'd always catch you watching me. Usually it is the younger sibling who follows the older, but you would accompany me everywhere you could. I remember crawling into your bed after my nightmares and how you soothed me. I thought you were being an older brother, but now I am not so sure."

"I remember."

"Then which was it?"

"I don't think I had the capacity to feel how I do now back then."

"Then the seeds of this sin were sown during those days."

Jacob brought his free hand to the side of Joseph's face, stroking where his skin met his beard, "Don't think about things like that, Joseph. We were children. Those days are precious to me and I don't want to ruin that."

“They are precious to me too,” Joseph nodded. He pressed his cheek into his brother’s arm, “Touch me, Jacob.” 

“Tell me you want it.”

“You already know that’d be a lie.” 

“Then why do you ask for it?” 

“Because, as much anxiety as your affections cause me, if you were to suddenly stop, then that would distress me even further. I don’t want your touch, but I need the comfort.” 

“You kissed me earlier.” 

Joseph smiled as if he’d said something ridiculous. “And do you honestly believe that I enjoyed initiating that?” 

As Jacob slowly guided Joseph’s lips to his, he wondered if Joseph intended to be so cruel. But, then again, Jacob and John were the ones who forced him into this situation in the first place. If Joseph was being cruel on purpose, he had the right to. 

“You aren’t afraid of being seen?” Jacob asked against Joseph’s mouth.

“No one comes here. Only I, Faith, and now you would give this place more than a passing glance.” 

“Okay, then can you,” Jacob grabbed Joseph’s upper arms and pulled. Joseph went along, allowing Jacob to drag him over his lap into an awkward straddle. Jacob ran his arms over Joseph’s arms and shoulders, “Is this okay?” 

“You enjoy this position?"

Jacob nodded. Joseph seemed uneasy, especially as he hesitantly wrapped his fingers around Jacob’s wrists, gripping them tight and pushing them back. It was what Jacob had done to him. 

“And this?” Joseph asked.

“Is this my punishment?”

“No,” Joseph started drawing his hands back, “I’m sorry, I—” 

“I’m asking for permission to enjoy this.” 

“Oh.” 

Joseph set his hands back. He was obviously trying to hide his disgust, but failed miserably. 

“If you didn’t think I’d enjoy this, why did you do it?” 

“John told me to.” 

Jacob frowned. “When? Last night? How’d that even come up?” 

“He asked me to hold him down. Apparently he finds it pleasurable as well. Then he told me to do the same to you. He,” Joseph hesitated, “does not know about your deviance.” 

“I never told him.” 

“You should.” 

“If I don’t tell him, are you going to?” 

“If he asks, I will not lie.” 

“That’s good enough. Thank you, Joseph.” Jacob shuffled under his brother. They hadn’t even done anything, and the conversation was a bit of a damper, but Joseph being in a dominant position was enough to get his dick interested. Joseph’s grip on his wrists tightened, which just made the situation worse. 

“Really?” Joseph said, disappointed. 

“You said I could enjoy this. I’m not sure what you expected.”

“I wasn’t expecting this degree,” Joseph sighed. He shook his head before leaning in to kiss his brother again. Even though Joseph held him down, even pressing his weight against Jacob’s arms until his joints hurt, he still kissed him gently, just like how Jacob told him to. It struck Jacob just how perfect Joseph was. Joseph’s only flaw was that he didn’t accept Jacob through and through. If only there was a way to change that. 

Joseph grew more hesitant. He’d stop as if distracted, start to pull away, only to nervously lick into his brother’s mouth and press back in.  Jacob tried to keep himself calm. Tried to keep the same pace. But everything about Joseph seemed designed to tempt him. It was easier to stay calm that night they spent together. At least then, Joseph had a clear end goal. It was just supporting him to that goal, which just happened to be his older brother’s ass. Now though, things were more abstract. 

His little brother’s grip on his wrists started to shake. Joseph gasped against Jacob’s mouth, his breath trembling. That was enough. Jacob turned his head down, breaking their contact.

“Are you okay?” 

“You’re aroused,” Joseph said lamely. 

“You already pointed that out.” 

“You are fully aroused,” Joseph’s voice dipped into a scolding tonel, “we are outside, Jacob, not in the privacy of a bedroom.” 

“That’s not how it works, Joseph.”

“I know.” 

“Just ignore it.” 

“...Okay.” 

“But can you do me a favor, Joseph? “

Slowly, Joseph nodded. 

“I’ve never wanted anyone else to do this, but being around you, I started thinking about how much I trust you.” 

“What is it?” Joseph asked, gentle despite his nervousness.

“I’ll show you.” 

Joseph nodded again, releasing his brother.

Jacob took his little brother’s wrists, “Do you trust me?” 

“Of course I do.” 

That probably wouldn’t last long. Jacob brought Joseph’s hands to his neck, holding them there even as Joseph jerked back.

“Jacob?” 

“Just a little, Joseph. Please.” 

“I can’t. I’ll hurt you.” 

“You won’t hurt me.” 

“I don’t want to do this, Jacob.” 

“You don’t want to do any of this, but you still do it anyways.” 

Shame struck Joseph’s expression. His gaze faltered, only flick back to Jacob’s eyes. He started to say something, but a lone shaking breath came out instead. Even though his whole body trembled and his hands shook, Joseph wrapped his fingers around his brother’s neck. 

“Is this,” he swallowed, “good enough?” 

“It’s good, Joseph. If you pressed a little, it’d be better.” 

“I can’t,” he yanked his hands out of Jacob’s grip, jerking them nearly to his chest, “I won’t indulge this part of you. If you want to die so much then—” Joseph squeezed his eyes shut, “You’ve given your life to me and yet you still think you have the right to throw it away?” 

“That’s not my intention.” 

“You are asking me to hurt you!” 

“You’re taking this too literally, Joseph.” 

“You want me to  _ choke  _ you. Please, enlighten me on how I can interpret that as anything else.” 

Jacob sighed. “Nevermind, Joseph. I’m sorry.” 

“No, tell me. Is this part of your and John’s obsession with me having power over you? Is that it? I don’t need to prove that I have authority over you. That is a fact decided by God. Tell me why you and John resort to these childish measures to assert that.” 

“You’re missing the point.” 

“Then tell me.” 

“Tell me why you keep thinking that we’re trying to prove something.”

“Because I cannot see how righteous men could take pleasure in the acts you commit.” 

“Do you really think that your perspective is reality?” 

Joseph glared, “When it comes to holiness, it is.” 

“If you’re right, then you know what that means. John and I aren’t holy men.” 

“You are my  _ brothers _ . My  _ Heralds. _ You are holy in my eyes and the eyes of God.” 

“Then how do you explain that contradiction? Either we’re telling the truth, which makes us not holy, or we’re lying, which is a sin.” 

Joseph made a frustrated noise. “Don’t question me, Jacob.” 

“Okay,” Jacob took a deep breath, “Do as you like then.” 

That jarred Joseph out of his irritation. “Do as I like?” 

“You know what’s best for me. You fight me on everything I do, so you must know best."

Joseph watched him quietly. He set a hand against Jacob's jaw and eased his head to the side.  

“I do know best,” he said, and dropped his hand to his brother’s chest, “But the reason I struggle is because if I don’t, then it seems like I’m encouraging this. I don’t want to encourage this. I’m willing to go along with it, but I won’t approve.” 

“So you’re telling me to go ahead, then? To do whatever I want because it’s an act on your part?” 

“That’s not exactly what I’m saying, but—” 

Jacob grabbed his brother’s wrists again and dragged them back to his neck. Joseph kept his hands tightly shut. 

“You don’t need to fight me anymore,” Jacob said, “I already know you don’t accept me. You don’t need to show it.” 

Joseph spread his fingers over his brother’s neck. He didn’t press, so Jacob did it for him. 

“See?” he said, “You’re not hurting me. You could hurt me. You could kill me right now and I wouldn’t stop you. But you’re not.” 

“I don’t want to hurt you. I would never.” 

“Then don’t be afraid of hurting me. You won’t.”

Joseph nodded. He tried to pull away again, but Jacob held him in place. 

“Jacob,” he tugged again.

“A little more.” 

“No. You and John have both told me that we can stop when I’m uncomfortable, and I want to stop now. I don’t want to do this.” 

“Okay,” Jacob let go, “I’m sorry.” 

“Thank you for respecting my wishes,” Joseph drew his hands back and clumsily moved off of his older brother, settling back next to him. “I’m not sorry for not doing that, but I am sorry for not being able to relieve you of such awful urges.” 

“How is that your fault?” 

“I do not know, but I feel like it is.” 

Jacob took his hand, forcing his fingers between his brother’s. “It doesn’t work like that, Joseph.” 

“Whether or not it’s reality doesn’t matter. I feel this way." Joseph winced, falling silent for a moment.

"What's wrong?" Jacob asked.

Joseph hesitated, glancing around then down at their connected hands. “I recalled a feeling that's been following me all day."

"What is it?" 

His little brother sighed. "I have a favor to ask, Jacob.” 

“You don’t need to ask permission.”

“For this I do,” Joseph said, pulling his fingers away.

Jacob caught his hand, “What is it?” 

“It’s a disgusting thing. Filthy and sinful. And yet, I feel it’s only just.” 

“What is it, Joseph?”

“When we have sex again, I,” he swallowed, hesitating. Jacob squeezed his hand. “want you to penetrate me.” 

“Joseph, are you sure?” 

“I need to know what I have put you and John through.” 

“This isn’t related to anything John said or did, right?” 

Guilt flickered over Joseph’s expression. “He tried. With his fingers, that is. I did not allow him, but,” more hesitation, “I was sickened by my curiosity.” 

“Just being curious isn’t a good enough reason. You have to want this.”

“I’m asking.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.” 

“Do you not want to? I could ask John, but… you are more knowledgeable and experienced in these matters."

"And John is John."

"Yes. John is John,” Joseph paused.  “Is this okay? Do you want me in such a way?”

“I’ll take you in whatever way you offer.” 

“Of course you will.” 

“But,” Jacob dug his nails into the dirt by his side, clawing trails in the damp soil, “John should know.” 

“Do we really need his permission?” 

“No, but we should tell him. If we don’t and he finds out, he’ll throw another tantrum.”

“John is an adult, not a child.” 

“Yes, but he’s a jealous man.” 

Joseph nodded, “This is true.” 

“But,” Jacob dropped his voice even quieter than his usual tone, “if you’re curious, that doesn’t mean that we can’t try.” 

“Try?” 

“Like how John did. But you trust me. If you trust me to have sex with you, you’ll trust me to do this.” 

“Jacob, I…”

“If you don’t like it, I’ll stop and we can forget this. You’ll have your curiosity satisfied and we can just move on.”

Joseph didn’t answer. He stopped looking at Jacob, instead staring at the ground. That wouldn’t do. Jacob put a hand on the other side of his little brother’s face and pulled him close, kissing his cheek. 

“I don’t understand you,” Jacob said, “You’re afraid to hurt me even when we both know you won’t, and yet you’re asking me to hurt you.” 

“You won’t hurt me.” 

“Forcing you to have sex when you don’t want to doesn’t count?” 

“You’re not forcing me.” 

“Do you still think I would?” 

Joseph looked aside. When he spoke again, his voice had a cold edge, “But you and  John want me to assault you two, so I’m not sure what the difference is.” 

“The difference is that we’ll let you do anything because we love you and you let us get away with what we do because you don’t want to lose us.”

“I do love you.” 

“We want this relationship for the sake of it. You only allow it because you’re afraid of the consequences.” 

Joseph fell quiet. 

“But you told me to respect your decisions. If you want me to do this, I will.” 

“I need to know.” 

“Okay,” Jacob leaned into his brother, putting a hand on his thigh. Joseph grabbed him, stopping him from going any further.

“But we’re outside.” 

“No one’s here. You said it yourself, no one comes here. No one will see.” 

“I,” Joseph hesitated, moving his hand to tangle his fingers in Jacob’s fatigues, “trust you.”

“Thank you.” 

Jacob reached over, undoing Joseph’s belt. His little brother tensed up, freezing tight and staring up into the clouds above. When he unzipped his pants, tugging it low, Joseph’s breath caught in his throat.

“It’s okay, Joseph. If it’s too much, tell me and I’ll stop.” 

“This is something that should be done in private.” 

“Should we go back to the car?” Jacob asked.

Joseph frowned, “That is not private.” 

“We can do it later.” 

His little brother huffed, “It’ll be the only thing I can think about. There’s no point in doing anything else since I’ll be anxious dreading it.” 

“You’re putting up a fight for the sake of it again, aren’t you?”

Joseph nodded. 

“Telling me that was dangerous,” Jacob dragged his little brother’s underwear down to his knees along with his pants, “Now I don’t know when I should take you seriously. Don’t tell John.” 

“If he asks, I will tell him.” 

“I doubt he will,” Jacob said, before shoving two fingers in his mouth. Joseph watched him cover them in spit with a disgusted expression. 

“This is truly a sinful thing,” Joseph said bitterly. “God did not create the body of men for this. Women are designed for this, they prepare themselves with no need for such indecency.”

Jacob nodded, hoping Joseph would see it as agreement and change the subject. He pulled his fingers from his mouth and wiped away the drool that had fallen on his beard.

“If I were a woman, would you still look at me in such a way?” 

“Yes. You could be anyone or anything, and I’d still love you.” 

“John said the same thing.” Joseph looked aside, “Maybe I should be grateful that I was born as your brother and not your child.” 

Though his brother’s words made him feel sick, Jacob didn’t show it. “If it helps you to look at it that way.” 

“It doesn’t. I was hoping you would say that you wouldn’t love me in that circumstance, but I suppose this degeneracy goes further than I thought.” 

“Okay, Joseph,” Jacob said. There was no point in arguing. He pressed a finger against his little brother’s taint. Joseph’s shoulders hiked up as he bit back a surprised yelp. Jacob lightened his touch, only barely brushing against the sensitive skin. He looked into his brother’s face, “Was that too much?” 

“John did that as well,” Joseph took in a mouthful of air, “It has no right feeling as it does.” 

“So you like it.” 

Joseph glanced away, “Because it is pleasurable does not mean I enjoy it.” 

The urge to laugh at his adorable brother rose up. Jacob held it back, keeping his face and tone flat. “Tell me if it’s too much.” 

Joseph nodded. He squeezed his eyes shut as Jacob gently pushed his fingers against the nerves there. Now that he’d steeled himself, there weren’t any more yelps. Only gasps and the occasional whimper leaking through. The way he struggled to not squirm and how quickly his face and neck reddened spoke more than the noises. What was most meaningful was his growing erection. Jacob couldn’t hold himself back as he pressed a quick kiss to the side of his brother’s ashamed face. 

“You’re really enjoying this,” he muttered, smiling.

“I am not,” Joseph growled.  

“I wish I knew how much you liked this beforehand. I could’ve treated you so much better.” 

“I’ll allow you to do this,” Joseph’s voice shook as he spoke through his teeth, “but I will  _ not  _ indulge these debauching fantasies.” 

“You asked me to do this. I can see why now.” 

“It was for the sake of fairness.”

“Miller told me about this man he had a relationship with,” Jacob leaned his forehead into his brother’s temple, ignoring how Joseph stiffened even tighter, “he loved this sort of thing. Asked for this everyday. After a while, it was the only way he could orgasm. Everything else felt dull in comparison. You like this so much that I’m worried you’ll end up like him.” 

“Jacob,  _ stop. _ ” 

“I’m sorry, Joseph. I’m only teasing you.” 

“I am  _ nothing  _ like that.”

“I know, Joseph,” Jacob kissed his cheek again, “You’re righteous and holy. You’d never become something so deplorable.”

He brought his hand up from between Joseph’s legs and slid his fingers back into his mouth. They were salty with Joseph’s sweat. 

“That’s filthy, Jacob.” His tone dripped with the revulsion he openly wore.

Jacob pulled his fingers out. “It’s not. It’s you. Nothing about you is filthy.” 

Joseph had started to respond, but whatever he was going to say pitched off into another yelp as his older brother rubbed at his anus. He curled up as much as he could, wrapping his hands into Jacob’s arms and digging his nails in. 

“Are you okay?” Jacob rubbed his brother’s back with his free hand.

“This is too much.” 

“It’ll be okay, Joseph. Just relax. Breathe.” 

“I am nothing like that man.”

“You’re not. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“I am nothing like you.” 

“You’re not. You’re better than me. You’re not a degenerate. Doing this doesn’t make you like me.” 

“What if it does?” Joseph sounded genuinely scared. 

“It won’t. To be a,” Jacob swallowed, “sodomite like me, you need to be attracted to men. You don’t look at me or John and think about us sexually. We do.”

“John isn’t a sodomite. He said so.” 

“Okay. But what I’m saying is that even if you enjoy what we do to you, even if you don’t and it only feels good, that doesn’t make you like me. Nothing you do could make you like me.” 

“Is that really so?”

“Yes. It is. Trust me. I’m one after all. Doesn’t it make sense that I would know?” 

Slowly, Joseph nodded. 

“Can I start now?” 

“I would rather you did instead of asking.” 

“Then I’ll go ahead. It’s going to feel weird at first. It shouldn’t hurt. If it does, tell me immediately. When you start feeling me entering in, take a deep breath. Try pushing me out.”

Joseph winced. “And you enjoy this?” 

“I do.” 

“Have you ever even been with a woman?” 

“I’ve tried.”

“So no.” 

“No.” 

“Maybe if I found you a wife and you experienced a woman, you’d be fixed.” 

“I really don’t think so, Joseph,” Jacob sighed, “I’m going to start now.” 

Before he could respond, he carefully pressed his index finger into his brother. Joseph hunched over as if Jacob had punched him in the stomach, his breath gushing from his mouth. He claws his nails deeper into his brother. There’d be marks later. Maybe cuts. 

“Does it hurt?” Jacob asked, kneading the back of Joseph’s neck. 

“This is,” Joseph’s voice caught in his throat, breaking into a whimper, “ _ violating. _ ”

“It’s okay. Just breathe.” 

“I can’t.” 

“Just focus on breathing.” 

Joseph nodded, a pained whine escaping with each exhale. Jacob slowly eased his finger deeper into his brother until he was down to his knuckle. 

“Are you okay?” 

“This,” Joseph whimpered, “ is wrong.” 

“So yes then. I’m going to move now. You’re going to feel something and when you do, I need you to tell me if it hurts or not. Understood?” 

“This is what I did to you?”

“Yes. Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle.” 

“I’m still sorry.” 

“Don’t be,” Jacob kissed his skin again as he curled his finger up. Joseph only squirmed, his breathing somehow shaking even more. Even though he trembled and tensed, seemingly terrified beyond belief, his erection hadn’t flagged at all. Jacob slid his finger out a little, just enough to try a different area. 

“Is it like this?” Joseph gasped, “Is sex like this?” 

“No. It hurts, but it also feels a lot better.” 

“Anything would feel better than this.”

“We haven’t started yet. Just trust me.” 

Jacob eased out of Joseph, only to cut off his brother’s sigh of relief by replacing his index finger with his middle. When he was fully inside, he tried again, gently pushing up.

Joseph jerked forward and curled his knees up, nearly hitting Jacob. His grip on his brother’s wrist tightened painfully. If Jacob had any doubt about marks, he had none now. Jacob shushed his brother gently, though Joseph hadn’t made a sound. He ran his fingers through his hair, stroking his scalp. 

“You’re a bit higher up than I am. But that’s what sex is like.” 

Joseph didn’t answer. He didn’t move at all. 

“Are you okay?” Jacob slid his hand to under Joseph’s jaw, his beard rubbing against his sweaty palm. He didn’t force him to look up. Instead, he rubbed his fingers along his jawline. “Just breathe. I know it’s a lot. If you’re sensitive, it can be overwhelming.” 

His brother’s fingers let up. Joseph didn’t lean back, but he visibly relaxed. Not entirely, but at least he didn’t look like he was about to break.

“I’ve hurt you.” 

Jacob glanced down. Blood had started to gather where Joseph’s nails had dug in. 

“It’s okay. I don’t mind. How about you? Are you okay?” 

“I do not know.” 

“Do you want me to stop?“

Joseph looked away. “You said that no matter what, I wouldn’t become a sodomite.” 

“It’s not something you can become, Joseph. Should I stop?” 

“I don’t know.” 

Jacob finally guided Joseph to look at him. His little brother’s face was red, his mouth slightly parted as he gasped each breath. 

“It’s okay if you like it. There’s nothing wrong with that. That’s the whole point of this.” 

“I’m not a sodomite. I’m not a homosexual. I’m not.” 

“You’re not, Joseph. You were married. You had a kid.” 

Joseph nodded. 

“So don’t worry. Remember, we’re doing this because we love each other. No matter who or what you were, or who or what I was, I would love you, so sodomite or not, it doesn’t matter. Don’t think about it.” 

“I’m happy you’re not a woman,” Joseph said. 

“Yeah?”

“I would worry myself sick over impregnating you or John.” 

Jacob laughed lightly as he pressed his lips to his brother’s temple. “I’m happy too,” he muttered. “I’m going to start again. If it becomes too much, tell me.” 

He peppered the side of Joseph’s face with soft kisses as he gently started fingering his little brother. Each time his finger slid near his prostate, Joseph would twitch again, choked whimpers tearing through his throat. His hand jolted for Jacob’s arm again. But he caught himself, hesitated, and latched onto his fatigues instead. 

Jacob rubbed another finger against Joseph. When he slowly teased it in, Joseph released a proper moan. He froze. Shame spread across his expression. It was hard not to laugh at how precious his little brother was. He shushed him gently. 

“I’m happy it feels good, but you need to be quiet. Sound carries. Someone might get curious. They might investigate.” 

Joseph shuddered as he whined miserably. He bit his lips together. His chest shuddered with each breath. It was obvious he was trying to control his breathing.

“You’re doing so good. I’m so proud of you.” 

His little brother shook his head frantically. 

“I love you, Joseph.”

The way he nodded and pulled at Jacob was a good enough answer. The twitching movement of his hips pressing his older brother’s fingers deeper into him was a better answer. Jacob brought his free hand from Joseph’s head to cover the dripping tip of his little brother’s dick. It wasn’t to jerk him off. In fact, Jacob wanted to see if Joseph could cum from anal stimulation alone. Joseph would probably frown on getting semen all over his clothes though. It was better that his hand was dirtied instead. 

As Jacob began to finger fuck his brother in earnest, Joseph couldn’t hold back his voice. He yanked his hand from Jacob’s chest, shoving the side of his palm into his mouth and biting down. 

“When we have sex,” Jacob huffed against his brother’s cheek, “I want to hear you. You have a beautiful voice, Joseph. I want to hear you. Do you think you can say my name? Right now?” 

Joseph shook his head forcefully, squeezing his eyes shut. 

“Can you try? For me?” 

He shook his head again. Jacob rubbed a third finger against him, only as a threat. He wasn’t about to risk hurting Joseph. The throaty muffled moans and grunts pitched abruptly, only to cut off into a string of weak whimpers. Thick mucousy heat hit Jacob’s palm, covering his fingers in his little brother’s semen. He was careful to capture it all, not letting a drop slip onto Joseph’s clothes. 

Joseph pulled his hand from his mouth and covered his face shamefully, shoving his fingers under his glasses. His teeth had cut his skin, leaving ugly marks where blood slowly pooled to the surface. Jacob slowly slid his fingers out and wiped his others on the nearest patch of grass. Without Jacob holding him, Joseph only curled up more, drawing his knees to his chest and pressing his head between them. A dry sob heaved through him. 

Jacob wiped both of his hands off on his pants before pulling Joseph into a hug. He kissed the top of his sweaty head. 

“You did so good, Joseph. Thank you for letting me do that. I love you. I love you. Look at me,” he tugged at his little brother’s wrists, “Look at me, Joseph.” 

Hesitantly, Joseph obeyed. The guilty and mournful expression he wore was equally painful and satisfying to look at.  
“You’re okay. Trust me. You’re okay. I love you.” 

“I didn’t say your name,” Joseph said, misery dripping from his tone.

“You had to be quiet. You did good.” Jacob pressed his lips to his brother’s forehead. 

“Jacob,” Joseph whimpered, “I finished.”

“You did.” 

“I finished in the way that sodomites do.”

Jacob sighed, “Listen Joseph, that doesn’t mean anything. There’s people like me who enjoy being penetrated, but can’t finish from that alone. Even though they seek out sex with men, does that make them less degenerate than you? No, it doesn’t. It’s just how your body is. It doesn’t reflect on you at all.” 

“God made me this way?” 

“Maybe He did. Maybe there’s no reason for it and it’s only how it is.” 

“There’s a reason for everything. God made me this way. He intended for this relationship.” 

“Is that so.” Jacob’s voice sounded painfully dry to his own ears. He reached over and pulled up Joseph’s pants and underwear, hoping that would distract his brother from the subject. It worked. Without any more prompting, Joseph quickly redressed himself. He started to stand, but Jacob pulled him back down, dragging him close. Joseph didn’t struggle. 

“I’m tired, Jacob.” 

“I know."

"You can leave me at the marina so you can go back to the mountains." 

"Just sleep here. Take a nap. I’ll protect you.” 

“I’m sure you have better things to do than watch me sleep.” 

“Not really. There’s barely any heretics left here in Hope County. John and Faith can tend to the masses, but what I can do? I train soldiers, I cull the herd. But there’s only so much you can train for and the chaff has already been separated. Anyways,” Jacob stroked Joseph’s hair, “time spent with you is more valuable than anything else.” 

“I’m sure that’s not true.” 

“It is. Just relax, Joseph. Sleep.” 

Joseph opened his mouth, starting an argument, but he stopped. Reluctantly, he set his head into his brother’s lap, turning onto his side to stare out over the field. 

“Do you think that one day, this will become normal for us?” Joseph asked. 

“I hope so.” 

“I see,” Joseph said, closing his eyes. He breathed out as Jacob pulled his glasses from his face, folding them and setting them by his rifle. When Jacob started humming the first notes to “Only You,” Joseph even smiled. In only a few minutes, his expression softened. His breathing slowed to a gentle even rhythm. His mouth parted the slightest bit. Joseph must have been truly exhausted. The fingering surely didn’t help that. But Jacob didn’t feel guilty. How could he? It meant that he could see his precious brother at peace. Even when he looked out into the sky, tinged orange with the start of dusk, the brilliant hues couldn’t compare to Joseph’s beauty.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah thats a place in the game and i remember it because it was the first landscape in game that genuinely shocked me at how good of a job ubisoft did making it like hot damn 
> 
> next chapter is the menage a trois chapter, the seed brother sandwich chapter, the chapter that will definitely end well because nothing can go wrong when you shove two brothers that are nuts and totally into it in an intimate situation with one that is also nuts but definitely not into it 
> 
> thanks for reading ily all


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i know i havent posted in like a month, but before u guys say anything, please look at the size of your scroll bar and then realize that this chapter is genuinely the size of a novella because i promised there would be threeway seedcest in this chapter and by god i am a man of my word and even if i had to write a small country's worth of development to get to it, its here okay
> 
> THAT BEING SAID this means that this was very hard to proofread on sheer account of how thicc it is and my life recently can be described as shoving a phosphorous grenade inside a birdling and writing gay religious incest is oddly therapeutic so this might be a case of quantity over quality and if it is pls let me know i will do the fix to any errors u guys find 
> 
> ok u want to skip to the porn u fuckin perv ctrl - f "reflect" which is exactly what i need to be doing on my life after posting this

Jacob stared across the hallway at a Judge. It stared back at him, watching him fiddle with his knife as he sat on a stair. Besides him and the wolf, the bunker was empty. The Whitetails were pretty much gone, but the Wolf’s Den still hadn’t been found. He’d sent every soldier he had to systematically comb through the mountains, leaving literally nothing unchecked. It would be impossible to miss it. 

The Judge got up and walked to its master. It sniffed at Jacob’s face. He wasn’t sure why this one was left behind or what happened to the hunter it was assigned to. It didn’t look sick or injured. It looked like any other Judge. Jacob scratched behind its ears. Its tongue flicked out as it leaned into his touch. For some reason, it reminded him of Joseph the day before. More specifically, it reminded him of how Joseph wasn’t. 

“Can you talk to him for me?” Jacob muttered to the wolf. “Give him your opinion of me.” 

The Judge tried to lick his face. He let it happen. 

“Is that why you were left here? Because you’re too docile? That’s what the Bliss did to you, huh?” 

It huffed and sat, then laid down at Jacob’s feet. 

“Be careful. I’ll put you down if you’ve lost your teeth.” 

Another huff. It shuffled. Jacob reached down to stroke its shoulders, running his fingers through its rough fur. He sighed and sat back up, grabbing his radio from his side. Jacob tuned it to John’s frequency. 

“John,” he said simply into it.

The response was quick. Nearly instant.  _ “Oh thank goodness, I was dying of boredom. Do you know many scripts you can write for recruitment videos? About five at max before you start repeating yourself. I’ve written twelve.”  _

“Don’t you have resistance to be hunting?” 

_ “Tell me where the sinners are and I’ll retrieve them myself.”  _

“Fair enough,” Jacob shrugged. “How are you healing up?”

_ “Healing? How do you— Oh, you talked to Joseph. Well, there’s a reason why I’m writing the scripts and not filming any. It’s hard to persuade people that we’re on the righteous path if I have to wear sunglasses the whole time. _ ” 

“He got your eye?” 

_ “Yes. It’s not his fault. I scared him. He hit me pretty good though. I don’t know when it’ll heal. Hey, do you think you can narrate an ad for me?” _

“Do you really think that’s a good idea, John?” 

_ “No, you’d scare them away. We’ll have to deal with what we have airing now.”  _

Jacob rubbed his boot into the Judge’s side. It leaned into him. “Are you in private right now?” 

_ “Give me a second. Are you?”  _

He glanced around, listening for a second. There was no sounds besides the Judge’s breathing. “I want a status update!” he called. No response. He brought the radio back to his mouth. “Yes.” 

_ “Okay, I’m alone now too. Is it about Joseph?”  _

“It is.”

_ “You picked up your clothes yesterday. Did you do anything else?”  _ An edge tightened in John’s tone. 

“We spent time together.” 

_ “And?”  _

“He wants to have sex.” 

John laughed, oddly bitter.  _ “You’re a bit late on that, Jacob.”  _

“No, I mean he asked me to top.” 

Silence. He heard a thud from John’s end. 

_ “You mean,”  _ John’s voice shook,  _ “that he said he was open to us being the man in our relationship.”  _

“No, he asked me to.” 

Another thud. Well, more like a crash. It sounded like something shattered. A loud blast of static erupted from the radio as John presumably snarled into it. The Judge at Jacob’s feet jumped, growling as it looked around for the source.

“Calm down, John.” 

_ “WHY YOU!?”  _

“It doesn’t mean anything, John. Maybe he just wants to be fair. He had sex with you first and now—” 

_ “It’s because I fucking sucked his dick!”  _

Jacob sighed. “No, John, that has nothing to do with it. He’s not mad at you about that.” 

Another loud sound.  _ “THEN WHY NOT ME!?”  _

“John,” Jacob snapped, “Calm down or else I’m not talking to you about this.” 

He heard John’s heavy breathing. A muffled thud and a squeak. 

“Are you calm now?” 

_ “Yes.”  _

“You’re not.” 

_ “Of course I’m fucking not, Jacob. You wouldn’t be calm either if you learned that Joseph liked me more than you.”  _

“You’re being absurd. That’s not what Joseph said, that’s not what Joseph meant, and trust me,” Jacob breathed through his teeth, forcing his voice to stay even, “if he did have a preference, it wouldn’t be for me.” 

_ “What are you talking about? Of course he likes you better. I’m just a disappointment to Joseph.”  _

“No. He loves you. He really does. In some ways, he wishes I was more like you.” 

John didn’t answer immediately. Jacob could hear him muttering to himself, but all he could make out were vulgarities. 

_ “I want to be there.”  _

“What do you mean by that?” 

_ “I want to be in the fucking room and I want to watch you fuck Joseph. No, I want to hold Joseph as you fuck him. While you’re tearing him apart, he’s going to look to me for solace.”  _

“I don’t think he’s going to be okay with that.” 

_ “I’m going to talk to him. If you two fuck behind my back, I’m going to see that as a betrayal.”  _

“I won’t. This is why I told you.” 

“ _ You and Joseph didn’t do anything yesterday, right? You only talked?”  _

“Not necessarily.” 

More static. Another crash. Jacob hoped it was his bunker or ranch he was trashing and not a random member of the congregation’s home. 

“I’m turning the radio off, John. I’ll check on you later when you’ve calmed down.”

_ “NO! Don’t you dare! Tell me what you did! You just had sex, right? That’s it? He just fucked you, right?”  _

“We didn’t have sex.” 

_ “Did you jerk him off? Suck his dick? Is that what you did?”  _

“No.” 

_ “Then what the hell did you do!?” _

“I fingered him. That’s it.” 

_ “HE LET YOU—”  _

Jacob flicked the radio off. The Judge looked up at him curiously. It licked its lips and whimpered.

“That’s John,” he said, dropping down onto his knees, straddling the wolf. It didn’t struggle. “And John is John.” 

He set his hand around its neck. Its tail cowered between its legs. Jacob brought his forearm, the one that Joseph had clawed his nails into until it bled, and shoved it against the canine’s mouth. It stared. Then weakly lapped at the wounds. 

Jacob sighed. The Judge turned its head, trying to flip onto his stomach. Jacob braced his elbow against its skull. It whined.

“It’s not your fault,” he whispered to it, “It’s how the Bliss made you. It’s not your fault.” 

He pressed his weight against the wolf, and drew his knife. 

  
  


While Joseph frowned upon anyone skipping his masses, even going to the extent of having absent parishioners punished or executed,  Jacob only attended the Wednesday masses intermittently. Sometimes he’d go months without showing up. It was a bad example, but most of the congregation didn’t look to him as a paragon of faith. That was Faith and John’s duty. 

But Jacob arrived early. Partially so that Joseph would know that he was putting forth the effort, and partially so he could catch John. John wouldn’t cause a scene in front of the flock. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t take Joseph aside and guilt him. They hadn’t talked since their conversation on the radio yesterday. There was really no telling what kind of mood John would be in. 

Judging by the empty church though and the lack of Joseph, he’d arrived too early though. Jacob sighed and bowed his head into his hands. To anyone, it’d look like he was praying. In actuality, he was just tired. 

“Have you decided to become pious?” a familiar woman’s voice came from behind him. Jacob sighed again.

“I’ve always been pious, Faith.” 

“My apologies, that was the wrong word. Seeing you here is a surprise. Seeing you here so early is distressing.” 

“Why? You’re here early.” 

“Yes, and it’s a punishment. You wouldn’t remember. You weren’t there. I was absent once and the Father took issue with that.” 

“That so,” Jacob sat up, finally looking back at her. She was holding her hand out. 

“This is serendipity,” she said, “I was hoping to talk to you.” 

“I’m waiting for John.” 

“He won’t arrive for another hour.” 

“How do you know?” 

“Because he always arrives half-an-hour before mass starts to talk to the Father. Come with me.” 

He stared.

Faith laughed, “What am I going to do? I have no weapons, no strength.” 

Jacob glanced to the altar before looking back and standing. He didn’t take her hand. 

“What’s this about?” 

“It’s private. But it’s important. I should talk to the Father about this, maybe even John, but,” she laughed softly to herself, “It’s odd that you’re the only one who’s not cruel to me.” 

“I’ve beaten you before.” 

“Yes, but that was on the Father’s orders.” 

“I’m sick of having excuses made for me,” Jacob said, opening the church door for Faith. She nodded in thanks. Faith greeted the parishioners who passed. Jacob didn’t bother. 

He followed her out through the gate and along an odd path that looped to the southeast of Joseph’s compound, where the Henbane divided the church from her region. Jacob stopped a good distance from the water whereas Faith walked right up to it, kneeling and cupping some into her hands. She frowned.

He didn’t care enough to ask why, so he just grunted and hoped that’d convey. Faith stood, letting the water drain from her hands. 

“The Bliss,” she said, “it’s not as strong here as I’d hoped.” 

“Why?”

She looked back at him, smiling, “A safety precaution, you could say. I have no interest in dying.” 

Jacob frowned. 

“Sit down please. I’d feel safer that way.” 

“I’m not here to make you comfortable.” 

Faith stepped into the Henbane until the hem of her dress barely brushed the water. She turned back to face Jacob. 

“I’ve been put into a difficult situation,” she said, “and I’m not sure who to blame. It’s a situation in which I’m powerless. If I speak up, I’ll be killed. If I stay quiet and things go wrong, I’ll be killed. Even if I stay quiet and nothing happens, I still need to know.” 

“Need to know what?” 

“It’s hard to miss that something is different between you and your brothers. You had some sort of falling out, we could all see that. Then things were okay, then they weren’t. Then they were okay again. But they’re not. Because, I don’t know if the others see it, I don’t think they do, but  _ I  _ do and I see that you’re different and John is different and Joseph is different.”

“You have no right to use the Father’s name.” 

“I’m not talking about the Father. I’m talking about Joseph. The Father is the Father. Joseph is,” Faith’s hands tightened into fists, “he’s _miserable._ And John, what happened to John? I’m not a fool, I know he’s always hated me, but he’s never been so volatile. The rampages in the Holland Valley, his emotions, listen Jacob, his mood swings, they’re,” Faith shook her head, “ _What_ _happened_ to John? And you, you’re, Jacob, you’re _happy._ In the middle of all of this, you’re happier than I’ve ever seen you! What is happening?” 

Jacob watched her. As much as he wanted to charge her and drown her in her beloved Henbane, he held himself back, careful to not let anything show. 

“And I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t want to ask because I knew that if I did, I’d be punished. I don’t want to die, Jacob. I don’t. I really don’t. But then you and John are spending so much time with Joseph. You’re spending nights with him and he’s spending nights with you. It’s not related to the Project because I’m not involved, so it’s all personal.” 

“We’re  _ brothers.  _ We’re not allowed to be close?” 

“I understand that, Jacob. And two days ago, when my priestesses told me that you were coming into my region, I was happy. I wanted to see you and the Father being happy. But you didn’t come to me. You went to that place. That place that is meant for me and the Father. And that was okay. I was okay with that. But I wanted to see the Father. So I went. And I saw things, Jacob.” 

“And you just watched.” 

Faith nodded. Then she shook her head. She glanced down, then around, then back at Jacob. She stepped back just to step forward. She gestured as if she was still talking, only to jerk her hands down to her side as she shrieked, “ _ Dammit!”  _

Jacob watched. He still considered drowning her. But it was probably too late. Who knew how many people she’d told about their incest. There was still time to warn Joseph and John and leave Hope County. Joseph would fight. He’d struggle. He’d probably never understand. He’d probably be miserable for the rest of his life. But even if Jacob and John had to keep him shackled in a cellar back in Georgia, at least he’d be alive. 

Faith snarled, “Jacob! Is that all you’re going to say!? That’s it!?” 

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” 

“Tell me that I’m wrong! Tell me that I’m mistaken! Tell me that there’s an explanation! That’s not what it seems like! What the shit, Jacob, just tell me that  _ you are not fucking your brother! _ ” 

“Who have you told?” 

“No one.” 

“I don’t believe you.” 

“I’m not stupid, Jacob. Why would I tell anyone!? If the flock knew that the Father was fucking his own brother, they would crucify us all! I don’t want to die, Jacob! I have no interest in dying! I’m not going to tell everyone that their Jesus is gay and fucking you! Because that would mean that I would die too! Do you understand!? Do you get it!? I haven’t told anyone! Why would I tell everyone then tell you!? That makes no sense!" 

“Joseph isn’t like that.” 

“Listen, Jacob, maybe in your world, he’s not. But in mine, in reality, if a man has sex with another man, he’s—” 

Faith cut herself off in a yelp as Jacob rushed for her. She turned, running deeper into the Henbane. As the water touched his skin, Jacob could feel the Bliss tickling his senses. The little that was in the water only hinted at having an effect. Faith stumbled. She fell forward, thrashing in the water as she tried to drag herself away from her adoptive brother. Jacob grabbed her ankle and yanked her toward him. She kicked, but he clawed his fingers in deeper, feeling her bone creak under his grip. He dropped her ankle and dove forward, snatching her hair in a tight fist. 

“Jacob, stop!” she screamed. He ignored her pained shrieking as he dragged her toward the shore. Before they reached land, he stopped and dropped to a knee, covering her mouth with his hand and pressing her under the water. She clawed at his wrist. Her kicking grew more intense. She shoved her face against his palm, her teeth gnashing in a futile attempt to scrape the skin. 

Just as her struggle started to wane, Jacob dragged her head to the surface. Faith gasped for air, choking and spitting. 

"Joseph isn't like that," Jacob said calmly. "We are, but Joseph isn't."

"The Father isn't like that," Faith nodded against his hand, "he isn't. Don't kill me, please, I know he's not, please—"

She yelped as Jacob stood and dragged her to the muddy banks. He dropped her on the shore only to pin her down with his boot to her chest. Faith grabbed at his calves. She was too weak to even stagger him.

"Jacob,  _ please,  _ I haven't told anyone, I won't tell anyone, please—" 

"You watched."

"Because I couldn't believe what I was seeing! I thought there was an explanation, I thought I was just seeing things where there was nothing!"

Jacob put more weight against his foot until each of Faith's breaths were pitched and shallow.

"Tell me what you saw."

"You kissed him," she gasped, words tight with pain, "he held you down and then you made him choke you and then he undressed and you touched him and—"

"You whore. You watched it all."

"I was shocked! I couldn't move! I thought there was a reason!" 

Jacob stepped off her. She choked for air only to hurk it all out as Jacob drove a kick into her side. Faith howled in pain, curling up. Jacob knelt by her, putting a hand on her shoulder and pinning her down. 

“It’s not Joseph’s fault. It’s ours.” 

“‘We’,” she coughed out weakly, “‘ours’, who else? Is it John too?” 

“We love him, Faith. You wouldn’t understand.” 

“He’s your  _ brother. _ He’s our  _ Father. _ ” 

“Do you really think I don’t know that? I didn’t want him to know. He wasn’t supposed to ever know.” 

“Then why…? Why’d you tell him?” 

Jacob sighed. He released her and sat beside her. “I didn’t. It was John.” 

“Why did he?” 

“John is John. Joseph asked. He told him. And Joseph was disgusted with us,” Jacob dug his fingers into the mud, “He hurt himself because of what we told him. But then he came around. He was afraid we’d leave him.” 

“I’m waiting for the part,” Faith gasped, “that explains how Joseph ended up being okay with any of this.”

“He’s not. You said it yourself, he’s miserable. He doesn’t want any of this. He blames himself. He’s only putting up with us because he,” Jacob swung his fingers out, flinging mud, “thinks we’ll leave or hurt him or ourselves.” 

“Isn’t that better than incest?” 

“He thinks we’ll rape him anyways. So it doesn’t matter.” 

“What the hell.” Faith coughed. She glared at Jacob. “But he ended up not being wrong.”

He lashed out, tangling his fingers against her scalp, dragging her up to bash her head into the dirt. 

“You say you don’t want to die, then you say things like that, “ Jacob sighed, sliding his fingers from her hair. Faith cradled herself, eyes squeezed shut as tears leaked to her cheeks. “I would never hurt Joseph. John wouldn’t either. We would never do that.” 

“You,” Faith’s voice shook, “said he doesn’t want to have sex with you.”

“He doesn’t.” 

“But you,” she spat, “have sex with him anyways.” 

Jacob didn’t answer. He looked from her to the Henbane.

“You know what that sounds like.” 

“He lets us.” 

“That’s not yes. That’s not consent. All that matters is that he doesn’t want to and you do it anyways.” 

“You don’t understand.” 

“It’s not complicated. Why are you making excuses to me? I can’t tell anyone. Nothing I do will affect this situation. At least be honest.” 

“Do you really think I don’t know what it looks like? Do you really think I haven’t tried explaining this to Joseph?” 

Faith winced as she pushed herself up. “You don’t need someone’s permission to  _ not  _ have sex with them.” 

“You’ve made your point. Are you just trying to guilt me? It’s too late. I can’t stop. Even if I wanted to, that’d be cruel to Joseph.” 

“I’m not trying to guilt you. I know the Father isn’t the man I thought he was. I know he’s not the person I first chose to follow. But I don’t like the idea of following someone who’s having sex with his brothers.” 

“It’s not his fault.” 

“I know. You’ve made that clear.”

“Don’t tell anyone.” 

“I won’t,” Faith sighed. She rubbed at her head. “Are you going to tell the Father that I know?” 

“No.” 

“John?”

“If I’m not going to tell Joseph, I wouldn’t tell John.” 

“Why aren’t you going to tell?”

“Because I trust that you haven’t told anyone and I know you’re smart enough not to. If I told them, they’d kill you. We’d have to find another Faith. It’ll save Joseph a lot of stress if he just doesn’t know.” 

Faith nodded. She frowned down at her dress.

“Jacob, can I ask you another question?” 

“Okay.” 

“What about when he finds someone else?” 

Jacob looked down. He hadn’t actually considered that. It’d been years since that woman died and Joseph hadn’t seem interested in anyone else. But that didn’t mean it was impossible.

She sighed, “I can’t tell if you’ve thought about this and feel guilty, or if you haven’t even considered it.”

“He won’t find someone else.”

“Because you can’t picture him with anyone else or because you won’t let that happen?”

“If Joseph falls in love with someone, then,” Jacob scraped dirt from between his nails, “me and John will have to accept that.” 

“How come I don’t believe that? You think you’ll be able to go back to normal after all this? Like nothing ever happened? How do you think John will react? Shit, Jacob, how are you going to cope? You’re  _ happy.  _ And you’re going to lose that. You really think it’s going to be so simple?”

Jacob snarled, “Exactly what point are you trying to prove?”

“I’m trying to be the fucking realist here! You’ve put us all in this situation that’s, fuck, it’s not even between a rock and a hard place, we are surrounded by landmines and spikes and, and—- I don’t even know! There is no way out, Jacob! And if you keep doing this, if you keep molesting your brother, you  _ will  _ be found out! Do you understand? We are  _ fucked _ .” 

“No one will find out.”

“I did! I suspected something even before I saw  _ that. _ ”

“You’re not like the rest.”

Another sigh. Faith covered her eyes with her hand, “I know.” 

“Joseph deserves a wife. He deserves a child and a family. If he ever finds one, then I’ll accept it. And if I can’t, I’ll just leave.”

“That’s not fair to Joseph.”

“I know it’s not.”

“And John?”

“I’ll ensure that John does too.” 

“So to get a family, Joseph will lose what he has.”

“He’ll be fine. He doesn’t need us."

Faith scoffed and shook her head. “The man we worship is being raped by his brothers. What the hell.” 

Instead of hitting her again, Jacob stood up. “I’m going now. I want to talk to John.” 

“If I show up to mass like this, do you think the Father will punish me?”

“I’ll make an excuse for us.” 

“You’ll lie to the Father?”

“I didn’t say that. I’ll make an excuse. I’m leaving now.” 

Jacob turned his back on her. He wiped his muddy hand against his pants as he left her and the Henbane behind.

  
  


On the drive, John tried to remain calm. He hadn’t slept at all the night before. After wrecking some dead apostate’s bunker, he couldn’t exactly vent his rage in his usual way. There weren’t anymore sinners. He unloaded several clips into the local wildlife, but that wasn’t the same as punishing a human. All he could do was drink what little liquor he'd managed to gather without Joseph noticing and hope that he'd feel better in the morning. Or at least better enough to be able to think thoughts and not just flashes of raging jealousy and insecurity.

But he wasn't able to fall asleep. Turning on one of Joseph's sermons only made him worse and there wasn't enough booze to knock him out. There weren't any pills in the ranch house since Joseph threw them all out a year ago. Huffing Bliss was just… No. In what was probably a bad idea, John carved  _ envy  _ into his side three times, but his hands shook too badly to get a properly deep enough cut. It bled a decent amount, not enough to make him light-headed though. 

But he was fine. Inwardly, he was the opposite and wanted to flay the nearest heretic. Outwardly, which was what mattered, he was fine. He took a deep breath, adjusting his sunglasses to cover his black eye as he entered the walls of his brother's compound.

"John."

He sighed and looked over his shoulder. Jacob leaned against the gate, fiddling with his knife. It was impossible to miss his wet clothes and the mud streaked over them.

"What happened to you?" John asked. 

"Nothing important."

"You're going to attend mass like that? You're going to get dirt everywhere."

"The Father said it's fine. He was less happy about Faith."

"Faith? What happened to her?"

"Not important. I wanted to talk to you."

John stepped from the path to directly face his oldest brother. "What? Are you going to apologize?"

"I have nothing to apologize for. What about you? Are you calm?"

"I'm calm now, aren't I?"

Jacob shook his head and sheathed his knife. "Will you be when you talk to Joseph?" 

"I won't make a scene if that's what you're asking."

"Be kind to him. He's trying his best."

John bit back a snarl. "That's easy for you to say."

"Think about everything he’s done for you too. Don’t be a brat, John.” 

“Okay,” John sighed, “You’re right. How about this then: I’ll still talk to him, but you can be there with me. If I step out of line, you’ll stop me.” 

“Alright. He’s not going to like this though.” 

“You’re always going on and on about how he doesn’t like any of this. It’s not like it matters now. Anyways, he’ll come around eventually.” 

“Will he?” 

“His body is already on that path,” John said, reaching up into his hair to adjust his sunglasses, fumbling at their absence until actually fixing them on his face, “He just doesn’t know it yet.” 

  
  


 

 

While the sermon was standard, if a bit short since Joseph didn’t carry it on for an extra two hours, the moment it ended, Joseph’s shoulders raised and he glared at Faith. He dismissed the congregation and gestured for her to approach from the back of the church where she stood, away from John and Jacob in the front. As Faith meekly approached, Jacob got to his feet. As little as John cared, he couldn’t miss the trickle of red from her nose. She wiped it away, leaving a smear of orange above her mouth. During the entirety of mass, she’d been doing the same motion. Now John could see why. 

“Joseph,” Jacob stepped between Faith and his brother. John considered intervening, but he honestly didn’t care what happened to Faith. He wanted her to leave as soon as possible so he could ask Joseph how he’d wronged him. 

Faith stopped behind Jacob, half-cowering behind him. “I’m sorry, Father. I’ll accept any punishment you’ll give me.” 

“No,” Jacob shook his head, “It’s not her fault. I told you, we had a disagreement, I overreacted. Don’t blame her, blame me.” 

“Have I even said a word yet?” Joseph said, voice tight and disappointed. “Have I uttered any blame?”

“No,” Faith said, wiping at her nose again, “I’m sorry.” 

Jacob didn’t say anything. He stared down his younger brother. John sighed from his spot on the pew and glanced back. Most of the parishioners had left in a hurry. No one wanted to be collateral when the Father was disappointed. 

“You two are meant to be models for my flock, and yet you argue and fight like children before my mass? And on my land? What is this? Do you have no respect for me? For this family that I have built for us?” 

"It wasn’t like that,” Jacob crossed his arms, “Faith did nothing wrong. I’m the one who acted out.” 

“Did you have an episode?” 

Jacob sighed, “I panicked.” 

“Then it’s hardly your fault. Faith, you should know better than to distress Jacob.” 

“I’m not a child, Father. I can be held responsible for what I do. I don’t expect others to walk on eggshells around me, nor do I want anyone to. Faith treated me like how I expect to be treated and I reacted badly. It’s not her fault no matter how you look at it.” 

Joseph glanced between the two, brow furrowed as if thinking. He sighed. “I see. In this circumstance it would be wrong to hold either of you accountable. I’ll forgive you, but don’t let it happen again.” 

“Thank you, Father,” Faith said, voice quivering with relief. “Is there any other way I can serve you?” 

John stood, “You can by leaving. I have things to discuss with my brothers and you’ve been wasting the Father’s time with your excuses.” 

“John,” Joseph’s tone had a hint of warning. 

“I’m sorry,” Faith curtised toward Joseph, “I’ll make my departure then. Thank you, Father.” 

“Faith,” Joseph called. She stood, tense as a board. 

“Yes, Father?” 

“You've bleeding nonstop. Find a doctor.” 

“Yes, Father,” Faith drug her hand under her nose, wiping more blood everywhere, “I will do that immediately.” 

She rushed out, mud flaking from her dress. As she slipped through the doors, she glanced back wearing a disgusted expression. If she’d lingered, John would’ve called her out on it. But she shut the door too quickly. 

“That was very unnecessary, John,” Joseph frowned. 

John ignored him and approached his brother. Jacob watched him carefully.

“What did I do wrong, Joseph? Did I make you angry? Did I disappoint you?” 

“What are you talking about, John? Of course not. Yes, I do not appreciate you talking to Faith in that way, but no, I’m not angry.” 

“Then why not me? Why’d you stop me from touching you, but you let Jacob?” 

Joseph stiffened. Shame crossed his face and he suddenly looked sick. He glanced away, “We can’t talk about this here.” 

“Why not?” 

“This is God’s house! Speaking about things like that here is an affront to Him.” 

“Fine. Then come with me.” John looked to his oldest brother, “You too, Jacob. Come with me.” 

“Where are we going, John?” Joseph asked. John grabbed his arm, only for Jacob to grab John’s wrist.

“Stop it,” Jacob said, “You’re being immature.” 

“I don’t care.” 

“It’s okay, Jacob,” Joseph weakly forced a smile, “I trust you two. I’ll follow you, John.” 

His smile widened, but became no more real, when his brothers dropped each other. John grinned at him, glared at Jacob, then turned and headed for the door. Jacob didn’t follow, not right away at least. Not until Joseph passed him, gently brushing his filthy arm with his hand. 

“It’s okay,” Joseph said gently. “I love you both.” 

“Am I allowed to say ‘I love you too’ here?”

“No,” Joseph shook his head, still smiling, “You’re not." 

  
  
  


 

 

The drive through the Holland Valley was awkward, to say the least. John drove, obviously. He’d try again to ask Joseph what he did wrong, only for Jacob to silence him with a glare from the passenger seat. Joseph sat in the back, hunched like a kicked dog as he picked at his fingers. He’d look up sometimes, and open his mouth only to stop and stare back down, expression guiltier than ever. 

“You really hit Faith, huh?” John finally said when the silence was too suffocating. That got Joseph’s attention, but he didn’t say anything. Jacob stared out the window. 

“I did.” 

“Must have been pretty hard.” 

“Yes.” 

“Will she be okay?” Joseph asked.

“Of course she will,” John said, “and if not, we can find another.” 

“She’ll be fine,” Jacob said, “She’s been through worse.” 

“Right,” Joseph nodded. 

“What were you even arguing about?” John asked. 

“Nothing you need to know about.” 

“That’s not an answer. I want to know.” 

“And it’s not an answer you have a right to know.” 

John huffed, “Fine. I’m sick of talking about her anyways. Did you tell Joseph?”

“Tell me what?”

“My terms. Did he tell you?” 

“No,” Jacob said. Joseph shook his head. 

“You want Jacob inside you,” John’s grip on the wheel turned knuckle white, “and not me.” 

“It’s not like that, John,” Joseph’s eyes narrowed. Not anger, more like sadness. “I am open to you penetrating me as well, it’s only that I am a coward and I want to undergo as little pain and discomfort as possible. Jacob is more knowledgeable in this regard, and that’s why I’ve asked him.” 

John frowned. He glanced at his oldest brother, who was unreadable as always. “Knowledgeable? I thought you got your fill of action in Iraq. Have you been fornicating behind our backs?” 

“No, John.” 

Joseph glanced down in the back as if he'd done something wrong. 

“You started early then. Let lust take over as soon as puberty hit?” 

Jacob glared at him, “No, John. Stop. You’re making Joseph uncomfortable.” 

“Fine. I’m only saying. I never pictured you as the type to have slept around before being born again.” 

“I wasn’t.” 

"Okay fine. Then what you're saying is that sex with Jacob was better than with me."

Jacob shook his head, exasperation barely start to show. 

"That's not what I'm saying at all, John," Joseph said, "It is a sin either way with both of you, how could I say I enjoyed committing one sin more than the other?"

John winced.  Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jacob wince too.

“Thanks, John,” Jacob muttered. 

“Fine,” John forced his voice steady even though he wanted to punch out a window, “I understand. You don’t have to admit it. That’s why I’m taking you to my home, I’m going to treat you to a wonderful meal and a fantastic time, and then Jacob is going to make a woman out of you and I’m going to watch.” 

“What?” Joseph leaned forward, grabbing onto both of their seats, “No, I can’t allow this.” He looked to his older brother, “Did you say this was okay?”

“I told him to talk to you about it.” 

“It’s only fair, Joseph,” John said.

“Fair? But I do not understand, how was I being unfair?” 

“You weren’t,” Jacob shook his head.

“No, no he was! You were! You picked Jacob over me! That’s not fair.” 

“But if I asked you, then according to you, that wouldn’t be fair to Jacob.” 

“Yes, but Jacob doesn’t care.” 

Jacob sighed. 

Joseph leaned back, “I do not understand any of this.” 

“Just let me watch.” 

“How do you gain anything from that? Unless you expect me to allow you to masturbate, in which, no, I won’t allow that.” 

“I won’t. I promise. I just want to watch.” 

“I still don’t understand what you gain from this.” 

“You’ll allow me to see you. That’s all I want.” 

“You can see me whenever you want.” 

“Yes, but when do I get the chance to see you having sex like a woman?” 

Joseph looked down at his hands, ashamed. He picked at a patch of skin, tearing a line off of his thumb. 

“John,” Jacob nearly growled, “Don’t say things like that to Joseph.” 

“He—,” John caught himself. His anger and envy dampened, just the slightest bit. “I’m sorry, Joseph.” 

Joseph didn’t answer immediately. He covered his finger with his other hand, squeezing tight. “Apologize to Jacob. Your accusations are unfounded and unacceptable.” 

“John doesn’t need to—”

“Sorry, Jacob.” 

Jacob looked away, out the passenger side window. “It’s fine.” 

“So, can I?” John asked. “Can I watch you?”

Joseph sighed, “There is no sin in viewing, I suppose.” 

“Thank you, Joseph. See, Jacob? He’s fine with it.” 

“I can’t help but notice that I haven’t been asked for my opinion on the matter.” 

“I’m sorry, Jacob,” Joseph said, genuinely apologetic, “I assumed that you wouldn’t be bothered.” 

Jacob turned around to face him. John couldn’t see his face, but his body language was tight. “And why would you assume that?” he asked, though it didn’t sound like a question. More like an accusation. Joseph withered under his gaze, looking aside. 

“You didn’t have an issue with it when I talked to you about it,” John said, “If you had a problem, you should have said something. Don’t get in Joseph’s face about it.” 

Jacob settled back in his seat. He was still tense.

“I…” Joseph swallowed, “only assumed because you hadn’t said anything. Not because of anything else. There are no other factors, I swear.” 

“You don’t need to defend yourself, Joseph,” John glared at Jacob. Jacob watched him back, not wearing any emotion. 

  
  


John ushered his brothers in, patiently waiting even when Jacob stopped to glower at him, and shut the door behind them. 

“Make yourselves comfortable. I’ll prepare supper.” 

“Can I help?” Joseph asked. At some point, he’d taken his hair down. It was still gathered awkwardly, unused to being loose. For some reason, Jacob’s glare intensified. John didn’t really care what his oldest brother thought though. 

“You’re my guests. I wouldn’t dare ask that.” 

“But I want to. I want you to teach me.” 

Joseph’s sincere expression was too precious. John couldn’t hold himself back as he settled his fingers into his older brother’s hair, stroking the greasy strands. Joseph’s shoulders raised, only for Jacob to come behind him, setting his hands on his younger brother’s upper arms, rubbing his fingers into the firm muscles. 

Even though he expected it to, jealousy didn’t rise within John. He smiled without needing to force it. 

“Of course I’ll teach you. Don’t become too good at it though, or else you won’t need me.” 

“That’s not true,” Joseph’s voice shook, especially when Jacob pressed his mouth behind his ear, “I’ll always need you.” 

“I’m so happy to hear that,” John said before lifting his sunglasses onto his head. Joseph’s eyes widened at the sight. His gaze faltered as guilt spread over his face. John felt a bit guilty too. He’d honestly forgotten. Making Joseph feel bad was the last thing he wanted. To shove the feeling down, John leaned in and kissed his brother. Joseph clearly tried to reciprocate, but he was even more half-hearted than usual. He outright froze when Jacob brushed his hair back from his neck and gently dragged his lips along the exposed skin. 

Joseph’s hands tangled in John’s coat. He turned aside. 

“I,” he sounded nervous, scared even, “want to learn how to cook.” 

“Let’s get started then.” John pressed a quick peck to Joseph before backing off. Jacob took the chance to slide a hand up to his little brother’s jaw and guide his head back into a kiss. Just as Joseph had demonstrated, Jacob was soft and gentle. It was a bit revolting. Joseph pulled away and Jacob let him go, clearly reluctant. 

“What would you like, Joseph?” John asked, “How about venison? I have plenty.” 

It took a moment for his brother to reply. Joseph adjusted his glasses, feeling under his own eye. “Venison is fine. I’ve never prepared any myself.”

“We can do it together.”

Joseph glanced toward his older brother, “Will you teach me too?” 

“No, I don’t—” Jacob started.

“Jacob’s idea of cooking is throwing it on a fire and hoping for the best. Actually, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even hope, he just eats whatever survives.”

Joseph watched Jacob before looking down and then to John. “What Jacob cooked for me was delicious though.” 

“But was it as good as my food?”

“No.” 

“See? I’m a better teacher. Maybe Jacob can teach you how to take down a bear with only your hands.” 

Joseph laughed under his breath, smiling at both his brothers fondly. Even though he knew it wasn’t because of what he said, seeing Jacob smile warmed his chest.  He’d have to spend more time around his oldest brother. John had forgotten how nice it was to have a genuinely brotherly moment. 

But then he remembered what Jacob had told him when they first confessed to each other that they loved Joseph. Jacob hadn’t tried anything with John. He probably never would, even if they didn’t have Joseph. The thought though that there was even a risk of Jacob looking at him and thinking something degenerate made his skin crawl. John cleared his throat. No wonder Joseph avoided them for a while. If Jacob took John aside and told him he loved him, John would probably hide in his bunker for the rest of his life. Or at least until Joseph found out. He’d fix it. He’d make everything okay. 

Jacob hadn’t done anything though. He hadn’t even hinted at doing anything. There wasn’t a problem, so Joseph didn’t have to know. 

“John, are you okay?” Joseph’s sweet concerned voice knocked every bit of angst from John’s thoughts. 

He smiled, “I’m fine. Just thinking about what recipe would be fitting.” 

“Something easy,” Joseph said, “I would hate to ruin our meal with my meager skills.” 

“You’ll do fine. Something simple and quick though, well, I’ll think of something.” John took Joseph’s hand and led him to his kitchen. There was really no need. But it was a chance to indulge his desire to have his older brother rely on him. Jacob followed along, still seemingly in a good mood. As long as they could maintain this light atmosphere, everything would be okay.  

  
  


 

 

Since Joseph didn’t know any cuts of meat and watching him handle a knife was honestly a bit terrifying, John settled on teaching him how to make a good crust. He made an effort to show Joseph how to use a skillet, but since Joseph froze up everytime John laid his hands over his, entirely just to guide him, he wasn’t sure how much of the information was retained. Jacob just watched. Mostly Joseph, sometimes John. When his gaze fell on John, he looked suspicious. 

Hah, as if John was stupid enough to sneak himself into their food while Joseph was right there. And he had no interest in becoming one with Jacob. 

But it went smoothly. Only two steaks were burned, and while the crusts weren’t even, they looked fine. John kept a burnt one for himself, gave the other to Jacob along with one that he’d cooked, entirely for the sake of showing off, and left the rest for Joseph. The sides disguised the char marks well enough that Joseph seemed to stop feeling guilty about it as soon as it was out of sight. 

Joseph was sweet enough to bring the plates to the table. But Jacob was resolute in keeping an eye on John. He wouldn’t leave John alone long enough for John to “fix” Joseph’s drink, even after being asked to set the table. John wasn’t mad at him. No, he was just  _ really  _ annoyed. 

That didn’t matter though. What mattered was that, with John’s supervision of course, the table was stocked, they were settled, and Joseph felt comfortable enough to say Grace. As he shut his eyes, John opened his. He noted that Jacob didn’t even bother to pretend. His oldest brother’s gaze flicked from Joseph’s face to his and back. John smiled when their eyes met. Jacob didn’t return it. Instead, he looked to Joseph. John followed his cue. Joseph always said Grace with an easy confidence as if he were reciting it, but it varied each time for each day’s events. His expression was gentle and kind, warm and welcoming, just how a real father should be. Joseph’s hand in John’s was rough and worn, yet the gentle pulse of the blood running through it was soothing. 

“...And thank you, Lord,” Joseph continued, “for connecting us in such a way that we were brought together, time and time again, through our own unique trials and tribulations,” he squeezed John’s hand, presumably squeezing Jacob’s as well, “Please continue to guide us through our faults, our weakness, our humanity. In the forked paths of everyday, lead us down the path you’ve chosen for us. Keep us bound together and continue to forgive me for my sins. In Jesus’ name, Amen.” 

He squeezed his brothers’ hands once more before opening his eyes with a smile and drawing back. 

“Thank you, Joseph,” John said, and Jacob nodded in agreement. “Wonderful as always.”

“After so many years of prayer, I hope that I’ve developed an acuity for it,” Joseph said, smiling sweetly. He took his knife and fork in hand. John watched with bated breath. Jacob waited too, but seemingly out of respect rather than any trepidation. Joseph pressed a chunk of steak between his lips without any hesitation. His smile widened around his fork and his shoulders lowered. 

John breathed out. 

“You’re an artisan, John.” 

“You did most of the work,” John said. He glanced toward Jacob who’d just took a bite of a non-burned steak. As he chewed, Jacob’s eyes shut. He exhaled. 

“Fantastic, Joseph.” 

“Ah,” Joseph set his utensils down to reach for his drink. More pseudo-sweet tea. “Don’t flatter me. This is your recipe, John, and you did nearly everything for me. If anything, you cooked, I only got in your way.”

“Not at all. At the very least, you helped. Did you learn anything?” 

Joseph glanced down, “It may take a few rounds before I retain much worth noting.” 

“Then come around any time. I’ll happily cook with you, it doesn’t matter if you learn everything or nothing at all.” 

“Thank you, John. Jacob said the same.” 

John glanced at his oldest brother, “What’d you teach him to cook?”

“Nothing. Taught him to fish.” 

“Tell me next time you do. I’d love to come along.” 

“Ask Joseph.” 

John looked to his favorite brother.

“Of course. Do I really need to say that I enjoy spending time with both of my brothers?” his easy going expression fell, “as long as it’s within the nature of a familial activity.” 

John swallowed down his hurt. A loud  _ clink  _ came from Jacob as he jammed his fork into his plate.

“Then we should do that sometime,” John said, clearing his throat. He quickly cut a portion of steak and shoved it into his mouth, trying to revive the normalcy. The charred taste wasn’t too overpowering. Under it was his standard steak flavor. He forced a smile. “This really is wonderful, Joseph. You did so good. A little more practice and you’ll be on my level.”

Joseph huffed good naturedly, “Hardly. That seems too optimistic.” 

“No, I’m serious. Some practice and you’ll have to watch out. I’ll try to keep you here all the time to cook for me. You’d be like my own little housewife.” 

Joseph choked. Jacob made an odd pained sound. John bit his lip, dropping his knife to adjust his sunglasses in his hair. Even when he tasted blood over burnt meat, he still wanted to flay himself. Wife. Of course no one would find that funny. If Jacob had made a similar comment, he wouldn’t have found it funny either. 

“I…” Joseph glanced down before looking to John, “wouldn’t be a very good one.” 

John waited, hoping Jacob would jump in and scold him. At least that’d save them from the awkwardness. But Jacob stared at his plate. His expression was unreadable, but if John had to guess, he’d say he was miserable. John swallowed, reaching to fiddle with his sunglasses before remembering he’d left them in the kitchen.

“Well, yes, because you wouldn’t be a wife. But besides that part, I think you’d be just fine.” 

Another pause. 

“...Thank you, John.” 

“Joseph,” Jacob said abruptly. His brothers looked to him. 

“It was just a joke—” John started. 

“Have you thought about taking another wife?” Jacob asked.

John’s mouth dropped with the urge to yell at him, but nothing came out. Joseph winced as if he’d been punched. Jacob himself seemed pained. 

“No,” Joseph finally said quietly, “I have not.” 

“But what about later? After all this? After the Collapse?” 

Joseph looked down, guilty and hurt. 

John snapped, “Jacob, what the  _ fuck—”  _

“John!” Joseph snarled, “Do not speak to your brother like that!” He softened immediately though, gaze falling down. He sighed. “I do not know if I would take another wife.” 

“Is that so,” Jacob said simply.

“You are afraid that I will one day leave you and John.” 

“It’s not fair to you. You deserve a family. A real one. With a wife and kids and maybe a dog. One where you don’t have to worry about us.” 

“No, Jacob. I already had my chance at that. Right now,” Joseph reached for his tea again, “the only future I want is one where both of you are by my side.” 

“And let’s end that conversation there,” John said. “I’d rather not have things like that discussed in front of my food. What am I going to do when Joseph associates my cooking with angst?” 

Joseph smiled weakly at that. 

Jacob wiped his mouth with the side of his hand and muttered a, “Sorry.” 

“Okay. Happy things. Let’s talk about something happy. Joseph, pick the subject.” 

“When is your eye going to heal?”

John groaned. “I said a happy subject.”

Joseph tensed, his voice growing high, “It won’t?”   
“What? No, I didn’t say that. Give it a week or two, it’ll look fine again. It doesn’t even hurt. Just looks bad.” 

“Oh,” Joseph settled down. He took another bite. 

“Okay, you pick the subject, Jacob.” 

He didn’t miss a beat in responding, “What are we doing after this?” 

John sighed, “Seriously? You can’t sit down and relax long enough to enjoy my— er, Joseph’s cooking?” 

Jacob shoved another forkful of meat and potatoes into his mouth before setting his fork down. He gestured toward his empty plate. “Already did.” 

“Really? Where are your manners? Do you even have any?”

“It’s a compliment, isn’t it?” 

John sighed again. Joseph laughed softly. It was sweet enough that John smiled despite himself. He caught Jacob doing the same. 

“We only have a few hours of sunlight, but it’s not too late for a fly by or—”

“No planes,” Jacob said. “There’s no resistance around here anymore, right? We can head out, take some firearms with us, we might get lucky and bag something.” 

“I would be fine with that, except my meat freezer is overflowing.” 

“We could leave it.” 

“And risk a warden coming and investigating us? No thanks.” 

Jacob turned to Joseph, “What do you want to do?” 

Joseph froze, fork in his mouth. He frowned guiltily as he chewed slowly. He swallowed. “I… would prefer it if we had sex.” 

“Oh, well, that’s okay too,” John said.

“Are you sure, Joseph?” Jacob asked.

“It’s not that I wouldn’t enjoy these activities with you two, but when the shadow of our ultimate purpose is hanging over me, I won’t be able to enjoy them. I hope you understand.” 

“I know, Joseph,” John said. He looked down to his half-eaten meal. “That’s just how you are.” 

Jacob was quiet. He eyed Joseph. If John didn’t know any better, he’d say Jacob looked downright contrite. Of course  _ now  _ Jacob decided to get into one of his moods. 

“That’s okay though. That’s all fine. Whatever you’re comfortable with, Joseph. Isn’t that right, Jacob?”

“But he’s not comfortable with it.” 

“Jacob!” Joseph snapped, not out of anger, but out of exasperation, “I’m here, aren’t I? I asked you for this! I told my thoughts on the matter! What more do you need from me? What more should I do? Do you want me to present myself to you and beg for this sin? Just tell me what I need to do to make you happy!” 

Jacob watched Joseph. John looked away, poking awkwardly at the remains of his meal. 

“You seemed fine with it,” Joseph continued, “when you had me the other day. You said it was a test, but I am not a fool. What I allowed you to do was for your own satisfaction. Isn’t that enough? You were happy, weren’t you? But now you’re fighting it.” Joseph pushed his chair out and stood. “I do not understand you.” 

He waited, apparently for Jacob’s reply. None came. With a frustrated near-snarl, Joseph turned and walked away. 

“Seriously, Jacob?” John shook his head. Jacob looked at him, tiredly. He still didn’t say anything. John got to his feet, “I’m going to go talk to him. Can you clean this up?” 

“Yes.” 

“Thank you. And while you’re doing it, get your head out of your ass. What’s wrong with you? Saying things like that? Are you trying to rile him up?”

Instead of answering, Jacob stood and took Joseph's plate. John sighed and shook his head again. He walked to his oldest brother and carefully set a hand on Jacob’s shoulder. Jacob stopped. 

“I know you’re trying to look out for him, but you’re being cruel. He’s doing this so we can be happy, and if you’re refusing to be happy, then how do you think that makes him feel?” 

“I know.” 

“Then why are you doing this?” 

“It’s because you had to go and say that. About being a housewife. It’s not fair to him. It’s not right. He’s letting us get away with what we want, but that’s not consent.” 

“In the eyes of the law it is. Joseph is an adult. If he was really against this, you know him, he’d protest. And I’d stop and I know you would too.” John gently hit the side of Jacob’s head, “Get that self-flagellating nonsense out of your head.” 

Jacob fell quiet for a few moments. He closed his eyes. “You’re right.” 

“I’m always right. When am I not?” 

“The vast majority of the time.” 

“Hey now, that’s not true. Just ask Joseph.” 

Jacob smiled slightly, “Joseph would agree with me.” 

“Okay. Fine. Maybe. I’m going to talk to him now. When you’re done gazing at your navel, come find us.” 

Jacob nodded. 

John patted his shoulder before walking away. 

The first place he checked for Joseph was the balcony. It was empty. Not even a straggler guard. He’d dismissed most of them after eradicating the resistance. They’d come onto his property on patrols, but there wasn’t a point for much else. The next place John checked was his bedroom. 

Joseph looked up from John’s bed, his preacher’s collar set aside and only one shoulder in his shirt. He opened his mouth only to glance away. 

“I reacted immaturely,” he said. 

“Don’t think that way. You know how Jacob is.” 

“I do. That’s why I shouldn’t lash out at him. He’s only trying his best. But it’s frustrating. Everytime I think I’ve made progress with him, he regresses.” 

“We’re both a handful for you, huh?” John sat beside his brother. “And you still love us despite that.”

Joseph finished tugging his shirt off before taking John’s hand in his. “No, it’s not a matter of ‘despite.’ I love you two for you, in every facet. Because you need me and because I need you.” 

“I do need you. I really do, Joseph. So please ignore what Jacob said. Please stay with me forever.” 

“I will.” 

“You don’t need a wife. You don’t need anyone else. Anyone or anything you do need, just tell me and I’ll say Yes. I’ll do anything for you. All that I ask in return is that you always look at me. That you say Yes to my love."

“That is unnecessary, John. I only ask that you be yourself.” 

John smiled so wide that it hurt. He leaned his head onto his older brother’s shoulder. “I love you, Joseph.” 

“And I love you.” 

“Are you still going to have sex with Jacob?”

Joseph winced uncomfortably. “That is why I came here. But I am unsure if he still wishes to.” 

“If he doesn’t, can I?” 

“You wish to?”

“Yes. I do. I really do,” John ran his free hand over Joseph’s back, enjoying the way his brother shivered, “I’ll be gentle. We can take our time until you’re completely comfortable and relaxed. I’ll make sure it’s really good for you. You’ll see that it’s nothing to be ashamed of.” 

“John.”

“I’ll show you how much I love you,” he squeezed Joseph’s fingers, “and maybe you’ll start to love me back.” 

“John, I—”

The door creaking open cut Joseph off. They both looked up to see Jacob enter and shut the door behind him, leaning against it with his arms crossed. 

“Joseph,” he said simply.

“Jacob.” 

Jacob sighed. “I’m sorry.” 

“I forgive you.” 

Jacob nodded, but he didn’t move or respond. John wanted to scold him again. He didn’t though. Joseph wouldn’t approve of that. 

“Come here,” Joseph tapped the space beside him. While Jacob didn’t  hesitate to move beside his brothers, he didn’t seem overly enthused either. Just standard Jacob. Joseph grabbed his hand too, intertwining their fingers. “Do you respect me, Jacob?”

“You know I do.” 

“Then respect my choices.” 

“I will.”

“You keep saying that. Over and over, how many times have you said that?”

“I will this time, Joseph. I promise.” 

Joseph nodded. John watched as he pressed a kiss to their older brother’s lips. All tension melted from Jacob’s body as he settled his hand on Joseph’s nape, pulling him closer. The jealousy that was absent before started to trickle into John’s chest. The relief at seeing his brothers reconcile so easily overwhelmed it though. At least until Joseph pulled his hand from John’s to run through Jacob’s beard. 

John slid his fingers over Joseph’s thigh and squeezed. That got his attention. He turned away from Jacob and smiled meekly at John. The expression didn’t reach his eyes, but that was okay. John kissed him before he could return to Jacob. He was more aggressive than usual. Maybe he was more jealous than he was aware of, or maybe he just wanted to show off to Jacob. Well, it was probably the former. He was distracted earlier, but now that there wasn’t any distraction, there was no way to  _ not  _ focus on the fact that Jacob was about to fuck Joseph. 

When John pressed his tongue into his brother’s mouth, Joseph yanked back. John almost apologized when he realized what actually distressed him. Jacob had undone Joseph’s pants and had cupped him through the thin fabric below. 

“This is too much,” Joseph hissed, voice tight. Jacob pulled his hand away, setting it on his little brother’s thigh instead. 

“Let’s take it slower,” John rubbed his brother’s shoulder reassuringly.  

“We can just relax for now,” Jacob nodded.

Joseph nodded as well, “I would appreciate that. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, Joseph,” John said, gently squeezing the muscle below, “How about we lay down for now? You liked that last time.”

“Do you want another massage?”

“Just laying down is enough.” 

"Okay," John helped Joseph ease up higher onto his bed, moving along with him. He could feel how tense Joseph was as he nestled beside him, resting his head over his brother's heart. It beat quick and uneven. He closed his eyes, content. Until he felt the bed shift and hot breath hit his nose. John opened his eyes only to get an eyeful of Jacob. 

He lifted his head, "Really?"

"We can share," Jacob muttered.

"This can't be comfortable for you, Joseph."

While Joseph was the furthest thing from pleased, he only looked awkward at worst. "This is… fine."

"Relax, John."

John set his head back down, acting more reluctant than he actually was. "Fine. But breathe somewhere else."

Jacob angled his head down, toward Joseph's legs. It wasn't preferable, but John supposed that part of sharing Joseph was… well, sharing Joseph. At least Jacob kept his hands away from John's, instead resting his fingers near Joseph's pelvis, right over a scarred letter. John made sure to keep his on Joseph's stomach. He could tolerate sharing, but touching his oldest brother was a line he wasn't about to cross. 

When Joseph draped his arms over both of his brothers' shoulders, the weight put John at ease. Yes, this wasn't preferable, but nearly everything about their relationship wasn't preferable. Joseph still made the effort though, even in little ways, and that was good enough. 

Jacob beat John to saying, "I love you."

"I love you too, Jacob," Joseph said, sweetness and patience covering the edge of awkwardness still in his tone, "And I love you, John."

"I  _ really  _ love you, Joseph," John pressed further into his brother, "I love you  _ so much. _ "

"And you two, you love each other as well, right?"

"I do," Jacob said without an ounce of hesitation, "I love John like a brother."

Joseph squeezed John through his shirt. "I love you too, Jacob," John said, "like a brother, of course. That we need that disclaimer is a bit unfortunate."

"It is not needed," Joseph said, "You have both assured me that you wouldn't look at each other in that way and I have faith in that."

John breathed out, feeling much lighter. He wasn’t even aware that the risk of Jacob being attracted to him weighed him down so much. But Jacob wouldn’t lie to Joseph. Even if he’d told Joseph what he’d told John, that his attraction to him was sheerly based on his resemblance to Joseph, then there was no way that their brother could mention it so lightheartedly. There was no risk of it. 

“Do you remember,” Joseph started, the awkwardness gone and fondness filling its absence, “when we were children, and we did something like this once?”

Jacob huffed a single laugh, “You mean that time when John was scared of something, so he came to you, and you were scared too, so you came to me with him?”

“I remember,” John said, “What were we even scared of? Was it a storm or something?”

“I can’t recall,” Joseph rubbed both of his brothers’ shoulders, “Do you, Jacob?”

He didn’t answer immediately. Instead he inhaled slowly and looked up at his younger brothers. “I do. But that’s the past. Let’s focus on the happy memories, and not the negative parts.”

Joseph squeezed his brothers closer to him. “You held me with my head on your chest, Jacob. And John clung to me.” 

“Kind of. You were in my lap and you used to sleep better if someone was holding you. John was definitely on you. He wouldn’t let go.” 

“I feel like you two are mocking me.” 

“Never,” Joseph said, indignant, but fond. Jacob laughed softly. 

“I never understood why you didn’t just come to me.” 

“Because Joseph was nicer.” 

“So what you’re saying is that you  were scared of me.” 

“Did I say that?” John turned up to look at Joseph’s face, “Did those words come out of my mouth?” 

Joseph’s slight smile widened, “I am endlessly grateful that you two have valued me so much, even as children.” 

“Of course,” Jacob said.

“Everyone should love you, Joseph. Anyone would have to be insane not to. But no one will ever love you like  _ I  _ do.” 

“I love him too,” Jacob muttered.

“Okay, Jacob is the exception. He loves you just as much as I do. I guess.” 

Jacob sighed. Joseph laughed. He craned his neck to press a kiss to John’s scalp, then Jacob’s. 

"Do you remember," John said, smiling wide, "when you fell into that river and I dove after you and then Jacob had to fish both of us out? You were so mad, Jacob."

"Because it was a dumb thing to do."

"But then you gave your clothes to Joseph and left me soaking wet and when we got home…" John faltered, trailing off at the memory of their father's reaction.

Jacob jumped in, "What about when Joseph wandered off and we all thought you'd run away until we found you sleeping in a bush?"

"I faintly recall this," Joseph said.

"I remember because you were crying all day," John smirked. Unfortunately Jacob didn't seem ashamed at all.

"If I recall correctly, which I know I am, you cried too. You were so happy when we found Joseph that you hyperventilated and I had to drag both of your sorry selves home."

"I remember this clearly now," Joseph smiled at John. "You passed out and Jacob had to carry you and escort me while I was half-asleep."

"Are you sure that you guys aren't mocking me? Because this sure seems like you're mocking me."

Joseph continued, “And then, a few days later, John was…” 

“Don’t think about that, Joseph,” Jacob said.

“Yes, don’t think about it. We’re together again. That’s what matters. And no one will ever,  _ ever  _ take us apart again.” 

“You’re right,” Joseph nodded, “we won’t ever be separated again. I’ll do anything to never lose you two again. Never leave my side. Always stay by me. Please,” his voice wavered, “don’t leave me. I can’t be alone again.”

“We’re here, Joseph,” Jacob pushed himself up, making Joseph’s hand slide off his shoulder. He grabbed it before settling back down, his head by Joseph’s shoulder, and bringing his other hand to it. It looked like an awkward position from John’s perspective, but neither seemed uncomfortable. Jacob rubbed Joseph’s fingers between his palms, “I will fight to the death to stay by your side.” 

“Me too,” John took the chance to reach out further, worming his hand between Joseph and Jacob to hug his brother closer against him, “I’ll kill anyone who tries to come between us.”

“John, that is not what we are called to,” Joseph’s voice shook, a groan edging in. “Jacob, please, I am trying to talk.” 

He tried to keep a stern face, but the effect was ruined by the throaty contented noises leaking through his gritted teeth. John took his distraction as a chance to quickly lean up and kiss his brother. Joseph’s indignant whine only made John laugh against his mouth. It was followed by another groan, which parted Joseph’s lips enough for John to deepen their kiss. Joseph resisted for a second, trying to pull away, only to not fight or react, then finally go along with it, clumsily copying his younger brother.

“You’re really pretty like this, Joseph,” Jacob said, breathy and light. John wanted to yell at him to shut up. His creepy monotone voice was the least sexy thing. Joseph apparently either agreed since he whimpered lamely into John’s mouth. Or maybe he felt the opposite and was actually into it. That was a distressing thought. 

“I’m not going to have sex with you until you ask for it.” 

Joseph jerked his head away from John, his glasses scratching against his little brother’s face. John flinched, pulling back. 

“Jacob,” his voice was shockingly calm, “You know I can’t do that.”

“Yes you can. I want you to ask.” 

“I already have, haven’t I?”

Jacob pushed himself up again. He caressed Joseph’s face, still holding his brother’s palm in his other hand. The way he smiled pissed John off. Like he was looking at Joseph as if he was still a dumb kid. 

“You know what I mean.”

“I can’t.” 

“Why not? You can’t tell me it’s a sin.” 

“It would be because I’d be lying.”

“What if it wasn’t a lie?”

John sat up to glare at his oldest brother, “Jacob, I already told you knock it off. Leave him alone.”

“Don’t act like you don’t want it too. You’re always licking at his heels, I thought this would be the first thing you wanted.” 

John narrowed his glare, but didn’t say anything.

“Is… this true? You both want me to beg?”  
“I didn’t say beg,” Jacob said.

“But that’d be nice,” John stroked Joseph’s side. “I’d like it better if you ordered me to, but if you’re more comfortable with begging, that’s okay too.” 

Joseph shook his head, “These urges corrupting you two are beyond me. I just do not understand them.” 

“There’s not much to understand, Joseph,” John leaned down, nearly touching their faces together,  “You have all the power here. I’ve entirely submitted myself to you and I want you to acknowledge that I've said Yes to  _ everything. _ ” 

Joseph sighed, “Submission, is that what this is?”

“Willing submission,” Jacob corrected, “You have all the power here. It might not seem like it, but—”

“Enough. I won’t lie, but,” disgust crossed Joseph’s face, “if the urge strikes, I won’t deny it.”

John kissed his tight frown, “That’s good enough. Are you ready now?”

“I suppose there is no point in delaying this any further.” 

“I think you’re missing the point.” 

“I’m telling you to do as you’d like.” 

John looked to his oldest brother. Jacob stared back. It was shockingly unhelpful, but if Jacob wasn’t raising any protests, then he was probably expecting John to just go along. 

“I can do as I like?” John turned back to Joseph, “Anything?”

“Not anything. As long as it’s within reason.”

“Okay. Thank you. Jacob, hold his hands.” 

“Ah,” Joseph bolted up, “John, I said within reason.”

John laughed softly and cupped his brother’s face, running his fingers through his beard. It was getting a bit long for Joseph’s standard. Maybe he could convince Joseph to let John trim it for him. “This is within reason. I just don’t want to be hit again.” 

Guilt flickered across Joseph’s face, “I see.” 

Jacob moved higher up so that he could pull his little brother into his chest. Joseph didn’t even resist. He went along like he was a doll. Something about the sight was a bit sad, so John just focused on getting the rest of Joseph’s clothes off. 

He heard Jacob mutter something as John parted Joseph’s legs, straddling a knee as he awkwardly leaned close to his brother’s flaccid dick. The earthy reek was stronger than it was last time. A bit unwashed, John would say if he felt daring. That was okay. In a way, he preferred it like this. It meant that Joseph was more… Joseph-like. 

Before touching his brother, John glanced up to make sure that there was no risk of Joseph punching him. His glasses had gone somewhere. There was nothing obstructing his older brother’s odd gaze, the painful way that he looked so resigned. Jacob held both of his hands, tangling their fingers together in one, and pinning Joseph’s wrist down in the other. 

“Are you ready, Joseph?” 

“This is wrong.” 

“I know, but you’re putting up with it.”

“Go ahead,” Jacob said, “This is just what Joseph does. This is just how he is,” he turned and pressed his mouth to Joseph’s temple, “Isn’t that what you told me? And we’re going to break that habit. There’s not going to be any more grey area in what we do. It’s gonna be black and white from now on. You’re going to say yes or no and we’re going to respect that. But you have to say yes or no. What you’re doing now isn’t enough.” 

The sight of Joseph’s guilty expression made John want to argue and defend him on impulse. But Jacob was right. Their relationship was hard enough without Joseph’s ambiguities.

“Well, I’m going to start then, okay, Joseph? Be sure to look at me. I want you to watch, if you can.”

Joseph stared at him. If that was as good as he was going to get, then okay. 

Using the strategy that worked before wasn't an option. Well, it was, but chances were that going anywhere near Joseph's ass would cause his poor brother undue stress. And there was the fact that, while his hands were occupied, getting kicked or kneed was a possibility and one that John wanted to avoid. When he kissed the side of Joseph's limp dick, his brother jerked. Jacob shushed him gently, then started murmuring. When John recognized what it was, he wanted to yell at him. Earlier when he acknowledged Jacob's voice as the least sexy thing, he was wrong. That crown went to Jacob muttering that stupid song. John forced himself to mouth at the soft skin below so that he'd be too busy to complain. 

Joseph didn't react. His panicked breathing didn't even change. It'd be a lie to say that didn't piss John off, just the slightest bit. How  _ dare  _ he be ignored again. How was it even possible to ignore the person who had your dick in their mouth? He wasn't mad at Joseph though. Mainly at Jacob for distracting their brother. Fine then. He'd make it impossible to ignore him. 

John pressed his brother's cock into his mouth. The taste was worse than before, but he was prepared this time and even relished it. It was Joseph. Yes it was his dried piss and smegma and Lord knew what else, but it was  _ Joseph's _ . There wasn't a single bit of Joseph that John wouldn't savor. He would accept anything that was a part of Joseph.  _ Anything.  _

Despite that determination, John still was a bit clueless on what he was supposed to do. He flopped the flaccid organ around his mouth, careful to watch his teeth. He licked at it, around it, sometimes trying to keep a rhythm, sometimes not because Joseph was still being aggressively non-responsive. He wasn't even looking at John. Joseph was too busy having his mouth assaulted by Jacob, in the gentlest and softest way possible. His eyes were still open, half-closed not from passion, but something closer to defeat. He noticed John watching and pulled from his older brother, turning his head away from both of them. Jacob craned his neck to see his face, only to give and glance at John. If Joseph were anywhere near hard, John would be proud. But no, he was soft as ever.

“John, what are you doing?” Jacob asked. His monotone was worse than if he’d actually sounded condescending. 

John tried to snark a, “What does it look like I’m doing?” but since Joseph’s dick was still in his mouth, it was a slobbery muffled mess. He pulled it out, the tip smearing his own spit all over his lips and glared at Jacob. 

“He has—” Jacob stopped, glancing at Joseph who was still looking away. “There are more parts to Joseph’s anatomy than only his,” another pause, “penis.”

“Wow, thanks Jacob. That is endlessly helpful.” 

“Testicles, John. Stimulate both at the same time. Be creative. Not too creative.” 

John huffed, “Oh, excuse me. How could I forget? Of  _ course  _ you’d know how to do this.” 

That grabbed Joseph’s attention. He quickly turned to Jacob, then to John before his older brother could comment. His eyes wide in shock. 

“John, you know about Jacob?” 

Jacob visibly stiffened, his breath catching. His grip on Joseph tightened, only to relax until he let go entirely. 

John blinked. He sat up straight. “Know what?”

Neither of his brothers said anything. Jacob glared away from both of them, glowering at the wall. Joseph just looked like he was about to have a breakdown. 

“Wait, what do I know?” John laughed awkwardly, “Is this a joke? Did you guys plan this on me? I don’t get it. How does that relate to, to sucking a dick? Oh,” he laughed again, “I get it. This is a joke. You two are trying to make me think that Jacob is bent. Then I’m going to make a fool out of myself and you two are going to pull the curtains back and we’re all going to laugh. That’s, well, I think we should add the principles of comedy to the list of things I need to teach you,” John smiled at Joseph. But Joseph only stammered, his guilty expression worsening. 

Despite his best efforts, John’s smile faltered. “Hey, I already called you guys out on your joke. It’s not funny if you reveal it later. Hey, c’mon, stop acting like that. It’s not funny anymore.”

“John,” Jacob said simply, then sighed. 

“Stop it!” John snapped, “Don’t treat me like I’m still a little kid! I’m not your little brother to bully around! This isn’t funny! I can’t believe you two are doing this to me,” he glared at Joseph, “especially  _ you—”  _

Joseph flinched. 

John felt like he’d just skinned a puppy. No, that didn’t come near to how much guilt flooded into his stomach. He felt like he’d just kicked Joseph while he was down. Which he pretty much did. He looked between his brothers.

“It’s not a joke?” 

“It’s not,” Jacob sighed again. 

“What? No, that makes no sense. You’re  _ you.  _ You don’t prance around and you don’t wear crazy tight outfits and you don’t— Okay, you do speak a bit weird, but you don’t, Jacob, you don’t, you're not some faggot.” 

“It’s my fault,” Joseph said weakly.

“No, Joseph—” Jacob started. 

“It is because he believed that I would condemn him if he told me. And because of my callousness, this sin has stewed inside him this whole time. And,” his accent leaked in as his voice started to tremble, “it is through my failing as what I have come into this world as, as a man, that even though I have every other means to fix him, I cannot.” 

“But Joseph,” in any other situation, John would hate how weak he sounded, “that’s how God made you.”

Joseph drew his free knee up as he leaned forward, curling up as much as he could. He clawed his hands into his scalp. “But God created me with a body that finds such profane pleasure when it is taken as a woman. This is a contradiction and I don’t understand why God would do this to me. Did He intend for me to enter into this relationship? But it goes against His Word in so many ways. Is this a punishment for my own failings? That’s the only explanation I can find for Him giving me a family again and again,” his strained shook more, dangerously veering close to tears, “only to take them away from me over and over. I lost you two, I lost her, I gave up my daughter, and now I have you two again, but it’s under this horrible circumstance that I’ve caused, and if I don’t,” he gasped, “do everything exactly as God wants, I will lose everything again.” 

“None of that was your fault, Joseph,” John said, moving up to grab Joseph’s wrists and pulled them from his head, “Please don’t blame yourself. You’re a good person. You’re a godly man. Remember Job? He didn’t do anything wrong, but bad things kept happening to him because it was a test and in the end, he was rewarded. It’s a trial. That’s what God is doing to you. He’s been testing you this whole time so you can be the right person to lead us into Eden. You haven’t done anything wrong. Please don’t feel guilty about anything. Don’t feel guilty about what you do with us. I’m here now, and so is Jacob, and we’re not leaving. Isn’t that the only thing that matters? That we’re together?” 

“And we’re not going to leave,” Jacob put his arms around his little brother and hugged him tight, “I’ll fight with everything I have to make sure we stay together. I won’t fail again. I’m your soldier, Joseph. If I don’t have you, then I don’t exist. I’ve never been so happy in my life than the times I’ve been with you and I’m not letting that go ever again. Nothing can separate us.” 

“I’m happy now too. I’m happier than ever. I feel like a person and it’s because of you, Joseph. If this is a sin or if this is a punishment, then why would God make us like this? Why would God make our existences revolve around you? Why would He make it so that the only way we can be happy is through you?”

Slowly, Joseph nodded. 

“It’s not your fault,” John pressed his forehead to his big brother’s, “None of it is your fault. Especially Jacob being a queer, that’s not your fault. It’s his. But,” John smiled, “I am a little angry that neither of you told me.” 

“I’m sorry, John,” Joseph’s gaze met John’s, “I have sinned against you in this lie of omission.” 

“I forgive you. It’s exactly what I and Jacob did to you for years,” John pressed Joseph’s forehead before pulling away, “I forgive you, but,” he glared at Jacob, “forgiveness doesn’t come as easily regarding you.” 

“I didn’t want either of you to think of me differently over something so minor.” 

John dropped Joseph’s wrists, “It’s not minor. When people make that choice, it becomes a key part of who they are. How can you expect to lead our army when you’re too busy sucking dicks and shoving things up your ass? How many times have you whored yourself out to our—”

“John, that’s enough,” Joseph said, startlingly calm despite how he was only a minute earlier, “Jacob hasn’t been with any men besides me since his return. He was walking the straight and narrow path until I tempted him off of it. Do not belittle the righteousness that Jacob exhibited in his recovery.” 

“Fine. But at least tell me what diseases you’ve infected yourself with. The last thing the Project needs is all three of us dying of AIDS.”

“None.”

“Oh, you expect me to believe that?”

“Yes. The military tested me and Joseph is my only partner since then.” 

John huffed. “That doesn’t change that you’re disgusting.”

“I know.” 

“It makes sense now, what you said when we talked at your little hiding spot.” 

“What did you say?” Joseph asked. 

Jacob sighed, “I said I loved you. I loved you enough that even the things that reminded me of you were precious to me.” 

“But,” Joseph turned to John, “aren’t you the same?” 

“I am, but,” John paused as Jacob looked away again. He watched his oldest brother’s face twist with an emotion he’d never seen on it. Fear. He was scared. But a very vulnerable breed of it. He felt sick with guilt again. Jacob was still his brother. He was a guiding light, just like Joseph. Joseph was the firm hand, pushing him onto the proper path and striking him when he went astray. But Jacob was his companion, one that saw him objectively and warned him when he started to sway. They were on the same level. They could connect in ways that Joseph was too occupied with his divine mission to bother with. He loved Jacob.

“But?”

“But our positions in life are different, so the things we see are different too. Like our perspectives, in a literal sense.” 

Jacob closed his eyes and quietly breathed out. 

“I see,” Joseph nodded.

“That’s okay though,” John reached over to pat Jacob’s shoulder, “because he’s recovered right? That sin of his is out of his system if he’s only looking at you. I love you in the same way he does, but that doesn’t make me a queer. So we’re the same. We’re both normal men who just love you.” 

“Is that really so?”

“Yes. So don’t worry anymore, okay, Joseph?” 

“I will try.” 

“Thank you, Joseph. We appreciate it. Right, Jacob?”

“Yes. Thank you, Joseph. And,” Jacob breathed in, “Thank you, John.” 

“Don’t think that I approve of what you’ve done. You are still pathetic and disgusting for ever becoming a fairy in the first place, but we’ve all made foolish mistakes in the past. If you fall back to your old deviancy even for a second, all Joseph has to do is give me the order, and I’ll tear that sin out of you.”

Jacob smiled, “That’s still better than what I expected.” 

“You can thank the nepotism at work here,” John said, and turned to Joseph, “Can we still keep going? Or do you want to try again a different time?”

“I…” Joseph glanced down then at Jacob, “It is your decision to make. I’ve wronged you and John, again.”

“You—” Jacob caught himself and paused, “It’s up to you.”

“Then, it is selfish, but I would rather not leave myself wondering when this will finally happen.”

“In other words, get on with it. I understand,” Jacob nodded, “John, get your lube.”

“And what gives you the right to order me around?”

“Because I’m letting you watch us.”

“This is  _ my  _ house, but fine,” John moved off of Joseph’s leg, careful not to knee his brother as he glared at Jacob, “I’ll only be gone for what, thirty seconds? So don’t try anything.” 

Jacob only acknowledged him with a flat stare. John flashed a smile at Joseph who barely mustered up a weak one before leaving his brothers. It was still unfair that Joseph would pick Jacob over him, but at least it made more sense. The worst kind of sense possible. Still logical though. If he had to pick between a straight guy or a homo fucking him in the ass, well, John would shoot himself first. For his corpse though, at least he didn’t have to worry about diseases anymore, so he’d pick the gay. At least they’d know what they were doing and wouldn’t tear up his body too bad. Unless they were one of the ones that had a weird even more degenerate fetish, which in all honesty, was all of them. When smearing shit all over their faces and eating it was on the  _ light  _ side of things, degeneracy truly ran amok. But Jacob was the exception, apparently. Maybe. Hopefully. John would have to interrogate Joseph later to make sure that Jacob didn’t do anything fucking weird. Joseph deserved a regular romantic relationship, well, as much as the three could have, and weird shit didn’t have a place in that. Nothing gross or out of the norm. None of that. 

Regretfully, John had fallen into the habit of leaving his belongings everywhere. Not to say his residence was a mess, of course not. He wasn’t some animal. But with the guards being gone and privacy being guaranteed, there wasn’t a point in social standards anymore. To put it bluntly, he jerked off whenever and wherever he felt like it and he’d leave his lube laying around wherever he was. Which, yeah, he learned his lesson after last time and procured some actual lubricant meant for sex. The pain and days of bleeding wasn’t something he wanted to repeat, and certainly not something he wanted to put Joseph through. 

His lube was exactly where he left it, which was right in the open on his sitting room. Joseph wouldn’t have had a chance to notice it, and if Jacob did, well who cared what Jacob thought? Joseph certainly would have disapproved, then he would’ve probably asked John the last time he’d sinned, which was that morning right before church, which would only make Joseph even more disappointed. Confessing that he wasn’t able to finish would definitely not help. 

When he returned, his brothers seemed to have kept their word. Okay, their implied word. Their positions had changed though. Jacob had curled up, laying his head in Joseph’s lap. His hair was horribly messed, probably from Joseph running his hand through it. They both looked to John.

“You never let me do that,” John said without thinking. 

“You never asked.” 

“I’m asking now. You can make it up to me later.” 

Joseph nodded. John smiled and sat beside him. 

“You two weren’t gossiping about me, right?”

“Of course not.”

Jacob sat up and held his hand out. John passed the bottle to him. Jacob muttered something that could have been thanks, but also could have been literally anything else. 

“Wait,” Joseph said, both of his brothers freezing still, “I’m sorry, but right now I,” he glanced down, “I’m the only one exposed.” 

“Would you be more comfortable if I undressed too?” Jacob asked. He brushed his hand against Joseph’s face, but that only made Joseph tense up more. 

“Yes.” 

“Okay,” Jacob nodded. He started to pull off his fatigues only to stop and glare at John who was already nearly entirely naked. 

“What?” 

“You’re only watching.”

“So?” John turned to his other brother, “Joseph, you meant me too, didn’t you?”

“I suppose… if you’re more comfortable this way,” Joseph said, his eyes not meeting John’s and instead on his side. John followed his gaze to the barely legible words he’d sloppily cut in. 

“I let my emotions get the better of me again,” John said, “But I’ve repented.” 

“It was because of me, wasn’t it? It’s my fault.” 

“I’m better now. Because you’re here with me. You’re making things fair.” 

Jacob sighed. “John, don’t guilt Joseph.”

“I’m not.” 

“Then at least don’t say things that will bother him.”

“There is no need for that. I promised I would say something if I felt too uneasy,” Joseph squeezed Jacob’s knee, pulling his hand back as Jacob yanked the fabric down, “Please have some faith in me.” 

“I do. You know I do. Do you want to keep taking things slow or should we get started?”

“I trust that you know which is best.” 

“Okay. Then we can do what we did the other day. Just my fingers for now. Is that okay?”

Joseph frowned, “I already told you that I trust whatever decision you make. Do you want me to beg so soon? I’m not going to.” 

“No, I wanted to make sure. That’s it.” 

John moved behind Joseph. He gently set his hands on his brother’s shoulders and rubbed his warm sweaty skin.

“Lean back on me,” he said, “I’ll make sure you’re comfortable.” 

“This is unnecessary.”

Jacob eased one of his little brother’s legs up, “Joseph, stop fighting. If you’re really against it, say so.” 

Joseph’s already stressed-out expression fell into something more miserable. 

“Don’t talk to Joseph like that,” John hissed, “Didn’t you just tell me to be nicer to him? Why don’t you take your own advice?”

“It’s okay, John,” Joseph pressed his back to his little brother, his shoulders coming to John’s chest because of the awkward angle. “He is correct. My behavior has been immature and disrespectful.”

“No—” 

“Joseph—”

“Do not argue with me. I’m not a child. I can reflect on my own actions.” 

John met Jacob’s eyes. Jacob flicked his gaze away and into his hand as he poured lubricant into his palm. He felt Joseph’s muscles tighten against his own. Bringing a hand under his brother’s jaw, he eased him into looking up.

“Are you nervous?” John asked, keeping his tone sweet.

“I don’t see the need to answer that.” 

“If you need to, you can hold onto my hands.”

“I’m not a child.”

“I know you’re not. But I want to make sure you’re as comfortable as possible and you know that I like feeling needed.” 

“You told me that you wanted me to hold you down.” 

“This is fine too.” 

Joseph glanced to Jacob, “I haven’t choked you.” 

“That’s fine,” Jacob muttered back. 

“What?” John looked between them. Neither of their expressions disclosed anything to soothe his confusion. Or his jealousy. Getting angry about the unfairness in Jacob being the first of them to be strangled by Joseph was probably not the right course of action. He could be angry about it later. John tried his best to shove it out of his mind. 

“You would prefer to hold me?” Joseph asked, returning his gaze to his little brother. 

“Yes. If you really feel bad about it, you can make it up to me later.” 

Joseph sighed and blindly reached around for John’s other hand. John met his and locked their fingers together. 

“Does this make you happy now?”

“Just being with you makes me happy. Not even Jacob can dampen that.” 

He would’ve glanced towards Jacob to see his response, but he already knew that there wouldn’t be one. Joseph’s blue eyes were more important and precious anyways. 

“You know what would make me more happy?”

“What?”

“If you looked at me.” 

“That wouldn’t be fair to Jacob.”

“What happened to just watching?” Jacob asked, shaking his head slightly. “Are you prepared, Joseph?”

“Do as you like.” 

“Joseph,” Jacob sighed, his exasperation showing. He shook his head. John watched as Joseph’s eyes squeezed shut, his mouth tightening as he held back a pathetic noise. He looked over Joseph’s body to see what his oldest brother had done. Not much, he only rubbed between his legs, not even starting to press into Joseph. Jacob stopped abruptly when Joseph bit back another noise.

“Do you remember what you promised last time?” he asked.

“I don’t recall promising anything,” Joseph said, the edge of indignance in his voice undercut by the way it shook. 

“It’s what I asked you to do.”

“There were several things you asked for.”

Jacob laughed softly. Nothing about the way it sounded was condescending, but it still came across that way to John. “You spoil us so much that it’s hard not to ask for things. But when I ask for the things that matter, you’re always reluctant. I asked you not to hide your voice. I want to hear you.”

Joseph looked up to John who just smiled reassuringly, “I would like that too.”

He turned away from both of them, “Fine.” 

“I’m not asking for you to put on a performance,” Jacob said, “I’m only asking that you not suppress yourself.”

“I wouldn’t put on a performance like some harlot even if you begged me for it.” 

“I know. You’re better than that. I’d never ask you to degrade yourself like that anyways.” 

Joseph didn’t answer. He continued to stare at the wall. 

“Joseph,” John called as saccharine as possible, “I do love you.  _ We  _ love you.” 

After a pause, he answered with his standard, “I love you too,” before biting back another groan. He caught himself and slowly parted his mouth, only a little. The shaky nervous whine that came out was too precious for words. Truth be told, if that noise came out of anyone else, even a woman, John would mock them, probably compare them to a kicked dog. It wasn’t appealing on its own. But something so undignified coming from his dignified brother was beyond valuable.

“Thank you, Joseph,” Jacob said, and it was pretty clear he was trying to sound appreciative, but, then again, it was Jacob. 

“You’re doing good, Joseph,” John cooed, “That was so good.” 

Joseph pawed at John’s hand still on his jaw. He got the message and let Joseph grab his hand, squeezing back when Joseph dug his nails in. 

“Are you scared?” John asked gently.

Joseph shook his head frantically. 

“Of course you’re not. You’re so brave. I wish I could have a part of that bravery inside me. I wish I could have more of you inside me  _ forever. _ ”

“John,” Jacob said flatly, “That’s enough.”

“Oh, I’m supposed to just watch and be quiet?”

“That was the idea, yes.”

John glared at him, but he ignored his oldest brother and turned his attention back to Joseph. Joseph suddenly flinched, trying to curl up. But John held him back and Jacob on his leg pinned him down. Another lame noise tore through his throat, coming out as more of a sob than a whine.

“Relax, Joseph,” Jacob patted his scarred thigh, “Deep breaths. Try to push against me.” 

“Yes, you need to relax or else it’ll cause you a lot of undue pain. There’s no reason for pain in this.”

“If I were a woman—”

“Hey, hey,” John shushed him and kissed the top of his head, “None of that. You’re not one and that’s how God intended you to be. You shouldn’t be ashamed of being a man because of this or anything else. Everything God does has a reason and we shouldn’t question it. You taught me that. And you wouldn’t want to be some lame woman otherwise, right?”

Joseph nodded, stiff and tight. His chest rose as he took a deep heavy breath in. Jacob pet his leg again. John couldn’t see his hand, from his angle, but he could see his arm moving. He kissed his brother’s scalp again as Joseph keened again. 

“See? It feels good. Don’t try to fight it. There’s nothing wrong with what we’re doing.”

Joseph didn’t bother to acknowledge his younger brother. He bit back another groan before forcing it out. To any objective viewer listening, John was more than aware that the scene sounded more like a hostage situation than passionate sex between consenting adults. The thought made him cringe. They weren’t forcing Joseph to do this. Joseph wanted it. He just had some weird mental block or moral obligation to act like he didn’t. Jacob was right. They couldn’t let that continue. 

“But Joseph,” John pressed his nose further into his brother’s hair, “if we were women, would you still love us?”

“Of course!” Joseph hissed through his teeth, the distress in his voice not helping the whole  _ being forced to do this  _ image. 

“Would you love us the way we love you?”

His eyes squeezed shut tight. 

“That’s a no then,” John said, then laughed to hide the hurt. Jacob glanced at him.

“He told me he was happy we weren’t women.” 

John looked down to Joseph, bringing both of their hands over to brush the side of his brother’s face, “You are?”

“Because there’s no risk of impregnating us. I agree. That’d be hard to explain. If it was one of us, we could pass it off as a virgin conception, but both of us?” 

Joseph shook his head again. John couldn’t miss how his hands trembled.

“But if we were women,” John caressed his cheek again, relishing his brother’s rough beard against the back of his hand, “you could marry us. Yes, it’d still be incest, but it could be like Lot and his progeny. The congregation would accept that. Then you wouldn’t have to worry about us bearing your children. It’d be a blessing. Our holy bloodline kept pure. And we wouldn’t leave you,” John grit his teeth together in jealous anger, forcing each word out, “not like  _ her.  _ Our children would live, not like—”

“ _ Stop _ ,” Joseph gasped, “Stop, stop, please,” he took a shuddering breath as he finally opened his eyes to Jacob, “

"John, stop. Be quiet and watch."

"You agree, don't you?"

"It's not our place. And we're not women. None of what you said could ever apply."

"I know and I'm grateful for that. I'm only saying that if it was for Joseph's sake, I'd be happy as his woman, even though I'd be miserable in every other way," John sighed and stroked Joseph's cheek again, "I'm sorry, Joseph. I always go off the path and it's because I want a part of you inside me  _ so bad.  _ Don't you understand?"

"I don't," Joseph said, pitchy and miserable.

“It’s because you’re so good,” John peppered his head in kisses, muttering “I love you”s between each one. Neither of his brothers indulged him with further attention. No, that was an unfair way of viewing it. Joseph wasn’t in a position to focus on anyone. Out of context, it looked like he was barely staving off a breakdown. That couldn’t be the case though. Most people had weird sex faces and the other times Joseph  _ did  _ look distressed too. Not as bad though, so he was clearly just more relaxed. That had to be it. Even his whines and whimpers were coming out easier, some being outright cries. One day, John would persuade Joseph to let him record them. He wouldn’t show it to anyone.  _ Of course  _ not. If anyone else saw Joseph in this position besides Jacob, he’d gouge their eyes out and pour bleach in the holes. The mere thought pissed him off. 

Joseph jerked his hands, but John held tight. At least until he heard Jacob hiss his name. John realized he’d been squeezing Joseph as hard as he could, way too tight if it was enough to actually hurt him. He softened his grip and brought one of Joseph’s hands to his face, pressing his lips against his knuckles in apology as a whine caught in Joseph’s throat.

The recording idea was a good one though. He’d make several physical copies. Which format would have to be decided later. Definitely something non-toxic. No sharp edges either. The last thing John wanted to do was explain how his stomach lining got cut up.

Jacob’s monotone voice jarred him from his fantasy again.

“You’re being stubborn, Joseph.” 

“How am I?” he swallowed, stilling the shake in his voice, “I am only keeping my word.”

“You do know that even if you orgasm before sex, I’m not letting you go. You know that right? I can wait. I have time. I’m sure John does too. How long is your refractory period? Do you even know?” 

“You said you wanted me to be honest.”

“I do.”

“Then have faith I will. Even in a matter like this.” 

Jacob nodded. John could only see him move, shuffling down until he was near his brother’s dripping erection. He made eye contact with John, making sure he was watching. John had to bite back a snide comment about the fact that having other men’s cocks in his mouth was not something to be proud of. 

“Do you know what you like, Joseph?” 

“I’m the only person to have serviced him,” John said proudly. 

Jacob frowned, “I’ll have to try my best then. I’m sorry about my beard. Some people don’t like it, says it scratches too much.” 

“It’s okay,” Joseph said softly, he pulled his hand free from John’s grip to smooth down his older brother’s hair, “I would never ask you to change for me.” 

Jacob’s slight smile was, even for John’s standards, genuinely heartwarming. The effect was slightly damped by the dick in front of it and that it was immediately followed by him licking his brother’s balls, but the principle was there at least. John caught Joseph’s hand as he jerked. There was no way he’d let Jacob guilt trip him with his own over-exaggerated injury, only John was allowed to do that. He wouldn’t permit a single other person, not even his brother, into doing that to Joseph. 

The noises coming from Joseph were much more subdued. They were just as cute though. No wonder his poor brother was so conflicted, John was sure that any man would be if he enjoyed getting things shoved up his ass more than getting his dick sucked. Maybe that was how Jacob got swayed. Maybe it was a weird genetic thing that skipped John.

When Jacob licked up the side of Joseph’s dick, John looked away before he got sick. The second he saw of his oldest brother’s tongue against a penis, even Joseph’s, was nauseating enough. John wasn’t sure if that was better or worse than him muttering that stupid song. Instead he pressed into Joseph’s hair again, closing his eyes and focusing exclusively on his brother’s reek, the odor of his sweat, the weight and heat of his body, his precious voice, definitely everything but Jacob’s heavy breathing and the wet sound that John really  _ really  _ didn’t want to picture the source of. 

The wet noises stopped. That was a relief. John still didn’t open his eyes, he’d had more than enough of seeing his oldest brother naked. He felt his bed move and Joseph tense up. 

“Jacob,” Joseph said, “I told you before that I’m not comfortable with you treating me like this.” 

That got John to open his eyes. He’d have to see what was going on before he could defend Joseph, or egg him on. But all he saw was Jacob straddling his brother, their dicks pressed together as Jacob pressed his fingers into Joseph’s chest. 

“You’re uncomfortable because you’re seeing it wrong. It’s nothing about being a man or woman, this was the body you’ve been given by God.” 

“I am  _ more  _ than aware of that. More than you.” 

John spoke up, “Joseph has made himself clear.” 

Slowly, Jacob sighed. He moved one hand to his brother’s face, rubbing along his beard as the other stroked Joseph’s side. His eyes were on Joseph’s face, watching him unwaveringly. 

John dropped Joseph’s hands to hug him against his chest. “See, Joseph? We respect you. It’s because we love you.” 

“We do,” Jacob nodded. He leaned in carefully to kiss his brother. Joseph’s hands grabbed onto the sheets, clenching them tight.

“It’s okay. God said it’s okay. God is love and we love you so much that we’re doing this. We’re waiting for you to ask us to do this because we love you. If we didn’t love you and this was just a sin, then we’d do whatever we wanted. Does that make sense? But we do love you. You deserve this,” John ran his hands over his brother’s tight muscles. He really was perfect in every way. “You deserve to be respected, you deserve to be obeyed, you deserve everything and you deserve to be loved and you are,” John smiled into his brother’s hair so wide it hurt, “by us.” 

Jacob parted, not even enough for John to notice more than the slight motion and sound of his heavy breathing. “John, be quiet.” 

“No,” Joseph craned his neck to look at John, his stunning eyes meeting his little brother’s, “Is that true? You aren’t just saying that?”

“Lying is a sin, Joseph. Have some more faith in me.” 

“I do. But you’re only saying this because I’ve told you how I felt.” 

John laughed, fighting to keep bitterness out of it. “If it was only an act, then why would we go through all this effort to make you happy? We love you. Despite everything and because of everything, isn’t that what you said to me earlier? That you love us for that reason?” 

“That’s not what I said.”

“Forgive me for misplacing the right words then. But that’s what’s true for us. Despite who you are, because of who you are, all of it, we love you.” 

Joseph turned to Jacob. “Is that true?”

“Of course it is. Look at everything I’ve done. Isn’t it clear by now?”

Joseph paused. He looked between them. Slowly, he closed his eyes. It felt like minutes, but couldn’t have been more than a few seconds when he opened them.

“You are both right. It is clear. I had faith it wasn’t mere lust that you felt for me, but I never acknowledged that if it was not lust, it could only be love. That’s right. I was so caught up. I knew your feelings were love, but I never regarded your feelings as  _ love.  _ You love me. John loves me. Jacob loves me. You love me,” Joseph drew his hands up from the sheets, setting one on the nape of his older brother’s neck and the other on Jacob’s side, fingers edging onto his back. Jacob understood. He dug his hands between Joseph and John and pressed into his brother’s hug. His own chest rubbed against John’s forearms. It wasn’t as bad as John thought it’d be otherwise. 

“You thought our love was something different,” Jacob muttered, “and I can’t say with entire certainty if it’s the love John feels or the one you’d felt for that woman or if it’s the love I’d feel for someone else, but I’d bet anything that it is the same kind of love. It is not dirty because you’re our brother. That doesn’t corrupt it. I still love you as my brother and that isn’t corrupted or changed. I also love you in this way, that I am certain is the way that anyone would love anyone, and that exists alongside the fact that I love you as my brother. It’s not mutually exclusive.” 

“I’m sorry,” Joseph said into Jacob’s shoulder. 

“I thought I loved people in the past,” John said sweetly, “but they were all shallow whores. Now I know what love is, Joseph, and that is because of you. This is love. I know it is. And it’s scary sometimes, and it’s painful so much of the time, but that’s how I know it’s love. Love is becoming one with someone and when we were taken away, I’ve felt so empty, like I lost a part of myself, and I did. I lost you. And now, that I love you in another way as well, when I’m not with you, it hurts,” John grit his teeth, “ _ so bad, _ ” he returned to his saccharine tone, “and that’s how I know it’s love.”

“I’m sorry,” Joseph said again.

“I forgive you,” John said, “ _ We  _ forgive you.”

“You really love me, so then I don’t have to do this. We can end this.” 

John felt as if he’d been gutted. His was cold and he couldn’t get enough air. He couldn’t even gasp for it. Judging by how Jacob’s breath hitched in his throat and his outright flinched, he felt the same.

“I was so afraid that if I rejected you two, you would force this upon me anyways. I thought this was an inevitability, either of my own consenting or not. But you love me. You wouldn’t do that to me. I don’t have to do this. All of these disgusting acts, I didn’t have to do any of them.” 

“Joseph,” John started, then stopped because he really didn’t know what he wanted to say. No, he did know what he wanted to say. He wanted to argue and say that stopping now, that ending their relationship and going back like nothing had ever happened  _ wasn’t fair.  _ But Joseph was right. He didn’t need to. There was no obligation to putting up with his sick brothers. Jacob had pulled back as if to look at Joseph, but his gaze was turned aside. 

“I’m ready now, Jacob. Please, go ahead.” 

“What?” John and Jacob said at the same time. 

“Loving someone while that love is unreturned is truly painful. This whole time you two have been suffering because of me and you’ll continue to suffer because I can’t return this love. So I won’t cause you anymore pain by not allowing this. I love you. I don’t want to hurt either of you. Hurting your family, that’s a sin. I want you to be happy, and if letting you do this will make you happy and ease the pain of your love, then I want you to do this. I want this.” 

Joseph couldn’t see him, so John didn’t bother hiding his confusion as he tried to make sense of his brother’s logic. There had to be some sense. Joseph was always right. Jacob stared at Joseph, expression flat.

“That makes no sense, Joseph.” 

“It does. This is my domain so my understanding is beyond that of others. These are the circumstances God has put forth and this is how they have read. You’ll understand one day. You’ll see that I’m right.” 

“Don’t question him, Jacob. He’s right.”

Jacob glanced up at him, “You understood that?”

“No, but it’s better than the alternative, isn’t it? I really thought that this was it. I thought it was over.” 

“You thought I would end our relationship? No, of course not. There’s still the aspect that I’m the one who’s led you into sin. And if anything, I’ve only come to learn how badly you both need me in this manner. You need me to live and,” he glanced up at John who quickly hid his confusion with a smile, “You need me to be fulfilled. I have no right to leave this arrangement.” 

John couldn’t hold back his relieved joy as he nuzzled his brother, showering him with kisses. “I’m  _ so happy  _ that we’re still together. So, so,  _ so happy—” _

“John,” Jacob said, the heavy disappointment in his tone standing out even more due to the stark contrast from his usual.

“What? Aren’t you happy too?”

“I am, but,” Jacob shook his head, “Nevermind. Forget it.” 

He nearly startled when Joseph settled a hand on his cheek, smoothing down his beard, “Please, Jacob, I want this. I want to make you happy in a way that no one else can.” 

Jacob nodded. He moved, easing Joseph’s legs around. To anyone else, he’d look calm, but the way he fumbled around, indecisive with how to position his brother, and the way he kept looking to Joseph for reassurance really showed his nervousness. John had never seen Jacob like that. It was hard to believe that the anxious man he saw was the same as his soldier brother and the same as the common manwhore who inflicted all sorts of degeneracies on himself. He hugged Joseph tighter. It really showed his beloved brother’s purifying influence that he could do this to Jacob. 

While the sight of Jacob’s dick, and his surprisingly dark pubes, was distressing, John couldn’t take his eyes off of it as his oldest brother started to press into Joseph. He couldn’t see the actual penetration, but the implication and the fearful pained near-screech from his dear brother was enough to make him run his hands over Joseph in excitement, rubbing into his skin. When his hands were over Joseph’s chest, he could feel it rapidly rise and fall with each panicked breath. He couldn’t help but press down against it. Even though Jacob had stopped moving and was far  _ far  _ from being all the way in, Joseph still acted like he was dying. 

“Does it feel good, Joseph?” John cooed.

“It hurts,” Joseph gasped, “I did this to you two and it  _ hurts. _ ”

“Does it really hurt?” Jacob brushed his fingers against his brother’s face, “It shouldn’t hurt that bad, Joseph. It’ll be uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t be that painful. Should I stop? Should I pull out?”

“No, no,” Joseph shook his head, “It’s not unbearable, please continue, please.”  
Jacob nodded, but took a few more moments to pet at his brother’s face. “Remember what I told you. It’ll be easier.” 

“Is it good for you? Do I feel pleasurable for you?”

“Of course you do. You feel better than anything or anyone else. It’s like you were made for me, Joseph.” 

“I’m happy. I was intended for you. God intended for this.” Joseph took a breath as if he were about to say more, but if he was, it was cut off by another pained noise. He clawed at the sheets until John put his hands over Joseph’s, interlocking their fingers as he pinned him. 

As Jacob slid in further, Joseph’s pained groans spiked into a near-whine. He pressed back into John, a perfect little gesture that John would brag about forever, well, if it weren’t for the whole needing to keep their incest a secret aspect. Jacob stopped again, but judging by how close he was, it was probably because he’d bottomed out. 

He set his forehead to Joseph’s, “Does it still hurt?” 

“I don’t know.”

“You enjoy it then. You don’t have to say yes, you can just nod.” 

“I do. But it still feels wrong.” 

“God intended this,” John said, “And we love you. You’re doing this because we love you.”

“I still feel as if it’s wrong. Is it really not a sin?” Joseph slid his hand out from under John’s to hold the side of Jacob’s face, “Is this really what God intended?”

“You tell me,” Jacob said.

“I don’t know. It’s all so conflicting.”

“You keep wavering between the two,” John said, “God wants this, this is a sin, God intended for this, this is a sin— But Joseph, don’t you think that being fickle is an even bigger affront? Shouldn’t we just have faith that if this is wrong, God will tell you?”

“I… Yes. You’re right. A fickle heart is a weak one. I have faith,” he slid his hand to the back of Jacob’s head, “Please pour your love into me so that it won’t pain you any further.” 

Jacob kissed his brother’s brow. He stayed there and it looked like he was still hesitating. Just as John was about to scold him, he realized that Jacob was moving, but really slowly and carefully. How was anyone supposed to get anything out of that? Though for someone like Joseph, it was probably perfect. Like that saying about frogs and water. Or not. The weirdly high grunts coming from Jacob definitely showed that he was enjoying himself at least. 

Joseph groaned as Jacob tucked his head against his little brother’s neck, starting to put some real force behind his thrusts. No, that made it sound more active than it was. Just as Joseph claimed and as Jacob demonstrated before, he was gentle. Each movement was careful and smooth, full of intention, like their beloved brother was made of glass and the slightest bit of harshness would fracture him. John didn’t want to think of it as  _ loving _ because then that’d be implying that it was more loving than how John touched Joseph, or outright saying that John didn’t touch Joseph with love. But he was certain someone would describe it that way. If they were particularly sacrilegious, they’d say Jacob was worshipping Joseph. 

Unfortunately, his oldest brother’s new closeness that meant that his messed patch of hair was pressing into John, which honestly wasn’t the most appealing, but John wasn’t about to ruin the relaxed atmosphere by complaining. At least now Joseph actually sounded like he was enjoying himself. Even his occasional whimper didn’t have an ounce of fear in it. His hand that was still under John’s would clench and unclench around his fingers. It was  _ so sweet  _ and just  _ so perfect  _ that John wished it would never end. It was so sad that Joseph had this holy mission and that they all had key roles in this holy war. If it were another life, one without the Voice and the Project and the Collapse was someone else’s problem, John wouldn’t hesitate to keep Joseph all for himself. 

When Jacob kissed Joseph again, their brother fully moaned. Jacob wasn’t even doing anything impressive. But John couldn’t miss that Joseph had stopped mimicking him, that he reciprocated in a uniquely sloppy clumsy way. John’s heart warmed at the precious sight as he fought not to grind his very erect dick into his brother’s back. 

Joseph tensed tight, a tremor running through his whole body as his hand clawed at the sheets, a throaty whine tearing itself from his mouth. Jacob fucked him through it, earning a keen as he pressed deep into his little brother. John tried focusing on that noise and not the even higher moan coming from Jacob. All John could do was stroke Joseph’s hand with his thumb and kiss his head. He couldn’t resist the temptation to lick at his scalp, savoring the salty sweat and bitter sebum. 

With a shaking gasp, all tension in Joseph left as he went limp between his brothers like a ragdoll. He took several trembling heaving breaths almost like he was struggling. Jacob stopped and pressed a quick kiss to Joseph’s lips.

“I’m sorry,” Joseph panted, “I let you down again.”

“You didn’t. It’s okay. You were perfect.” 

“I finished early when I was with you,” John said, “Remember? I barely lasted any time at all. It happens, Joseph. It’s a compliment, it means that Jacob did really good. It means you really liked this.”

“Most men can’t orgasm just from anal sex their first time,” Jacob kissed him again before continuing, “Your body really was made for this.” 

“Most women can’t even cum from being penetrated. See? You’re better than a pathetic woman. You’re perfect.”

Jacob nodded in agreement. “I’m going to pull out now. If it starts to hurt, tell me.”

“No. Finish.”

“It’ll hurt. I don’t want to hurt you.” 

“I appreciate your concern, but I don’t care. I did the same to John, I want you to finish inside me.” 

“Don’t worry about me,” John said, “Don’t force yourself to do something because you feel guilty.”

“I want this. I need to know. Please. Won’t it make you happy?” 

Jacob drew a heavy breath. “If it’s too painful, you’ll tell me. Promise?” 

“I promise.” 

The moment Jacob moved, Joseph bit back a high noise as if he’d been kicked. Jacob stopped, hesitating, but a slight nod from Joseph seemed to reassure him. He pressed back into his brother. John winced with him as Joseph failed to suppress another agonized whine. 

“Go faster,” John said, “Get it over with.” 

“Be quiet, John,” Jacob said, voice flat, but tight. 

“You want to draw this out for him?”

“John,” Joseph said as gently as possible through gritted teeth while clearly struggling to keep his voice steady, “I’m okay.” 

Jacob did gradually increase his pace, still gentle and cautious, only a little quicker. Joseph also grew quieter. When a noise did escape though, it was high and throaty, tearing itself from him like he’d been stabbed.

“Are you close?” John asked. 

“Quiet,” Jacob growled.

“So that’s a no then. Great.” 

“You’re not helping.” 

John huffed. He turned his attention down to Joseph, bringing his free hand up to brush his brother’s sweaty hair. It was too hard to not press his mouth to his brother’s head again, especially now that he knew how it tasted. He licked at it again. It was too bad that Jacob was taking his sweet time to finish. His older brother clearly did not appreciate Joseph’s precious semen. Even if Joseph was sickened again and even if Jacob yelled at him, John would be careful not to waste a drop when he got the chance. As long as Jacob didn’t taint it. He wasn’t sure if he could stomach eating his other brother’s cum, even if it was mixed with Joseph’s.

“Joseph,” he heard Jacob call. The huskiness in his voice made John want to squirm. 

“Jacob,” Joseph answered. He didn’t bother hiding how pained he was. In response, he earned another one of Jacob’s disgusting high-pitched raspy moans. At least when he had sex with Joseph, John was certain he sounded much more appealing. Even if it was faked. 

“I love you, Joseph,” Jacob said, still in that horrible dry faggoty way. 

Joseph swallowed. When he spoke, it was steady, “I love you too, Jacob.” 

“Thank you,” Jacob moaned again, even worse because it was even higher, trembling like a drunkard’s falsetto. John wanted to yell at him. “Thank you, I love you, thank you, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for being the way I am—”

“I love you, Jacob.” 

Jacob whined pathetically. Even if he was a woman, it’d be pathetic. He pressed deep into Joseph again, hips twitching in a way that made John want to vomit. Joseph yelped in distress. He pressed back against John again. The poor thing, of course he’d never felt someone cum inside him. Of course he’d be distressed. John shushed him gently, petting his side reassuringly. 

When Jacob slumped over him, Joseph pulled his other hand free from John to hug his older brother. Jacob took a shuddering breath and cleared his throat.

“Thank you, Joseph.”

Joseph’s voice was shockingly calm, if a bit shaky, “How do you feel now that you’ve emptied your love within me?”

“It’s not empty. I still have so much love to give you. I’ll never run out.” 

“Of course. How do you feel?”

“Happy. Alive,” he paused, “Happy.” 

“Then I’m happy.” 

“Does it hurt, Joseph?” John asked. 

“Nothing to be worried about. Are you satisfied as well?” 

“I am, but,” John inhaled Joseph’s scent before continuing, “Can I go next?”

“That’s what I was expecting. When?” 

“Now.” 

“John,” Jacob sighed, slowly pulling out of Joseph, “No.” 

“Why not? I didn’t mean now as in right now, as in right this moment. I meant tonight. When Joseph is ready again.”

“John, that’s—”

“It’s okay,” Joseph said. “It’s only fair. You’ve put your love inside me and John should too.” 

“See?” John smiled smugly at his older brother, “Joseph says it’s okay.”

Jacob didn’t answer, but he still didn’t seem happy. John pulled his legs out, gently easing Joseph up so he could stand.

“John? Are you leaving?”

“No,” he patted his brother’s shoulder, “Relax. I’ll clean you up and take care of everything. You did well,” he leaned down to kiss his brother’s hair, “you did so well.”

“I can take care of him,” Jacob said.

“No, you keep Joseph company.  _ I  _ will take care of him.”

Jacob watched him. Then sighed and carefully crawled next to Joseph, only to clumsily drape himself over his little brother. Joseph looked at him fondly and at back at John, the fondness changing to slight concern. 

“But John, is it really fair if you have to wait? You’re already aroused.”

He said it like he’d only just noticed, like he’d somehow missed that his little brother’s dick was rubbing against his back that whole time. 

“It’s alright, Joseph. I don’t mind. But if you’re offering, then I won’t say no.” 

“Is offering what I am doing?” 

“I’ll let you think on it. When I come back, you can tell me if you are.” 

Joseph nodded. As John turned, he saw Jacob gently dragging their brother down to lay next to him. Now that it was non-sexual and purely affectionate, it was a cute sight. It would be cuter if it was him next to Joseph, but they’d get to that. 

When John returned with the softest towel he had, his brothers were muttering amongst themselves. Well, it was Joseph doing all the muttering. It was hard to make out any of what he said, especially since Joseph’s back was turned to John as he faced Jacob. John could see that he held both of Jacob’s hands between his, as if they were praying together. Jacob’s eyes were closed, so yeah, they probably were. It was precious, in a way that made John’s teeth hurt. He stopped at the doorway so as to not interrupt them. 

“Amen,” Joseph concluded, back at a normal volume. Jacob repeated him and opened his eyes. 

“How do you feel now?” Jacob asked softly.

“Lighter. Less fearful.” 

“Good. That makes me happy.” 

John finally moved, sitting behind Joseph, “Praying without me? That’s unfair.”

Joseph looked over his shoulder up at his little brother. “I can pray with you as well, if you’d like.” 

“I would sometime. Not now though. Have you decided about your offer yet?”

“Yes. I was offering. But only in the way that I’ll permit you to do as you like.” 

John laughed, “That’s how it always is. That’s okay though. Stay still, let me clean you first.” 

Joseph started to turn, reaching for the towel, “I can do it myself. I’m not a child.” 

“I know you can and I know you’re not. But I can do it too and it won’t be because I think any less of you. You did say I could do as I like.” 

“Fine,” Joseph settled back on his side, “If that’s how you wish to express your love.”  
“Yes, yes, yes, _yes_ it is.” 

Jacob brought a hand to Joseph’s temple, sliding his fingers into his hair. “It’s okay. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. There’s nothing you can do that will make us love you any less.” 

“Yes. Of course not. Because that’s what love is.” 

“But what about you?” John asked, “Would you ever love us any less?”

“No! I would never. Even when you first confessed, even when I believed that you would violate me with or without my consent, I didn’t love either of you any less. My anger and fear was born from love. I swear.” 

“I shouldn’t have asked,” John smiled, “You’re more merciful and loving than anyone else. That’s why God chose you.”

“It’s what God calls us all to do.” 

“But it takes a special person to follow that,” John said. “Okay, sit still. I’ll be gentle.” 

Joseph nodded. He winced when John gently moved his leg aside. John was a bit disappointed to see that Jacob’s semen looked exactly like Joseph’s. Well, minus the blood. It wasn’t like he was expecting halos and a chorus of angels in comparison to Jacob’s, but he was hoping the consistency would be different. Like that Jacob’s would be more gross or something. But no, it was the same. He wiped it away before he grew more annoyed. Joseph winced again.

“Does it hurt?” Jacob asked.

“It’s nothing unbearable.” 

“Was I too rough?” 

“Not at all.” 

“I tried my best.” The disgusting vulnerability that leaked into Jacob’s voice even tugged at John’s heart. 

John sighed. “You didn’t hurt him.” 

“You didn’t hurt me. You showed me your love and it was just as gentle and kind as I should have expected.”

Jacob nodded. He stroked his brother’s face. With each uncomfortable flicker across Joseph’s face, he mirrored it. 

John patted his brother’s hip, “Okay. All done. You did great.” 

“Thank you. But I’ve made a mess of myself as well.”

“I know. It’s okay. Can you get on your back so I can reach it?”

Joseph nodded again, dragging Jacob’s wrist away as he obeyed.

“Thank you. Now close your eyes and I’ll take care of it.” 

Joseph frowned, “Close my eyes? Why should I look away? I would rather not.” 

“Well, then, in that case, Jacob, can you distract him?”

“What? Why do I need be distracted?” 

“It’s John,” Jacob muttered, “and John is John. I think it’s best that you just indulge him for now.” 

“Hey, don’t talk about me as if I’m not here.” 

“I know, but,” he paused, “if I disapprove or am repulsed, then I will avert my gaze. Isn’t that acceptable as well?”

“If that’s what you want to do, then of course it is. Keep staying still, okay? And please don’t hit me.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing? You can apologize if you try to blind me again.”

“John, that’s not funny. Don’t guilt Joseph.”

John huffed, but he stopped talking. He carefully watched Joseph’s reaction as he licked up a string of his slightly thickened semen. Joseph half-jerked with a panicked yelp, catching himself and freezing so as not to hurt his brother. 

“It’s  _ disgusting _ ,” Joseph barely held back a gag.

“It’s not. It’s you. I love every part of you, but if it’s too much, then look away.” 

“Look at me,” Jacob murmured. When Joseph obediently turned his head aside to face his older brother, Jacob held him there with both hands threaded through his beard.

“Is it not foul to you?”

“No,” Jacob shook his head, “It’s not.”

“This is your way of expressing love, but,” Joseph’s words sped up, “this is love for a physical aspect of me, and that would mean this is lust, so—”

“You’re overthinking it.” 

“And I’m already done,” John announced proudly, pressing one last kiss to one of his brother’s scars. “See? That wasn’t so bad.” 

Joseph went against Jacob’s grip to look at his little brother, “That was sickening. What drives you to do that?”

“Well,” John straddled his brother’s hips, petting each mark on his skin, “You’re precious to me, so every part of you is precious.” 

“Where does it end? My dead skin? My blood? My waste? At what point, John?”

“Every part of you is precious.  _ Every part,”  _ John leaned down to kiss his brother, only for Joseph to turn aside and push him away with a hand on his chest. 

“Wash yourself.” 

“What? Why?” 

“Before I allow you to touch me, you need to wash yourself.” 

“Why do you keep making me leave?” 

“The other times, you offered to,” Jacob said. 

“Please, Joseph? It’s not a big deal. You won’t taste anything. I swallowed it all down,” John opened his mouth, sticking his tongue out, “See?” 

“I am repulsed by this.”

“Joseph, please?”  

Joseph sighed. His hand slid from John’s chest as he faced back toward his little brother. “Do as you like.” 

John kissed him, maybe a little too forcefully, and ignored the way Joseph flinched. Yeah, he could understand his brother’s apprehension. John wouldn’t want to risk eating any of his cum either. Joseph didn’t let him go any deeper, so he pulled away, only enough so that Joseph’s face was the only thing in his vision.

“That wasn’t so bad, right?”

“You reek.” 

“Hey now, do you really mean that? I’m sorry, but it seems a bit harsh.”

“Not you as a whole. Your breath.” 

“It doesn’t reek. That’s you that you’re smelling. It’s the bits of you that I’ve ingested.” 

Joseph frowned, “Is that meant to be comforting?” 

“It’s the truth,” John kissed him again and he allowed it. “You said I could do as I’d like. Did you mean it?”

“I want you to judge my actions and find your own conclusion.” 

John laughed, sitting back, “You’re right. Can you turn over then?” 

Joseph hesitated, then nodded slowly. It was awkward, but John tried to help him onto his stomach without kneeing or elbowing him or his other brother. Jacob’s unwavering judgemental stare only made it feel even worse. 

“Joseph isn’t ready yet,” he said. Joseph tensed under John at Jacob’s words. He probably hadn’t even considered how their new positions seemed. 

“I know that,” John said, “and I wouldn’t take Joseph like some dog or whore. I want him to look at me when I love him. You had your time with him, let me do what I want now.” 

He had no idea what Jacob did with his lubricant, something he was definitely going to nag him about later if it didn’t show up, so John let saliva pool in his mouth before drooling into his hand. As he wiped his spit over his brother’s wonderful and endlessly distracting ass, he tried not to glare at how Joseph reached out for Jacob’s hand, squeezing it tight. Well, he supposed that Joseph did the same with him when it was Jacob pleasuring him, so it was only fair. Overall though, the whole situation was still unfair. 

Just the sensation of sliding his dick against his brother was already better than any woman. Jacob made him listen to his weird gay noises, so John didn’t bother hiding his own obviously much more dignified and heterosexual moans. They might have been a little exaggerated, just to rub it in. So that he wasn’t the only person enjoying himself, John ran his hands over his brother’s back, tracing the inked cross as he pressed his fingers into the tight muscles. Each of Joseph’s groans felt just as good as the slide of heated skin against John’s dick. It was amazing how his brother could do that. John didn’t bother trying to keep a rhythm or track of time, he only wanted to focus on how perfect Joseph was. 

“You really are perfect,” John breathed out, “I could do anything to you and it’d be perfect.” 

“I would prefer it if there were a limit on ‘anything.’” 

“There’s not. I mean anything and everything would be perfect. But of course I wouldn’t do anything you won’t say yes to, anything would that hurt you, anything that would maim you, anything that would—”

“John,” Jacob stared at him, “Either stop or watch what you’re saying.”

“I am fully aware of what I’m saying and I mean every word. But fine. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, Joseph.” 

Joseph didn’t answer. Instead he started to turn over again, stopping when he had to look at John so he could move his legs. 

“Joseph, I’m sorry for what I said. Please don’t be mad.”

“I am not angry. I’m preparing to have sex with you.” 

“Oh,” John adjusted, allowing Joseph to turn, “Are you sure?” 

“Joseph, I don’t think you’re ready yet,” Jacob said only to receive an exasperated glare from Joseph in response. 

“I am  _ not  _ a child. I am  _ not  _ a fragile virgin that you need to protect. I know my body and I know my limits.” 

“I’m sorry,” Jacob muttered, expression like a kicked dog. John would’ve felt the same if he weren’t so excited to finally be inside his brother.

Joseph turned to John. He took a deep breath. “I am ready, John. Please express your love to me.” 

“Should I use more lubricant? Jacob, where’d you put it?”

“No,” Joseph shook his head, “I am still wet. Please, go ahead.”

John glanced to Jacob. He’d be the only one among them who’d know, right? But Jacob was still busy licking his wounds, glowering in the direction of nothing. An awkward moment passed until he finally slowly nodded. John looked back to Joseph. He reached out to brush the hair from his brother’s sweaty face. 

“Do you want me? Do you want me inside you? Do you want me to make love to you like a woman?” 

Joseph’s expression hardened into a glare only to relax when he realized what John wanted. He smiled kindly. 

“Yes.” 

“Yes, yes, yes,  _ yes, yes,  _ I love you, I love you so much,  _ yes, _ ” John fumbled with his dick, feeling like a dumb kid who just discovered jerking off for the first time. He tried to move Joseph’s leg up gently, but ended up being forceful enough to earn a flicker of a wince from his dear brother. John made several valiant efforts to blindly line himself up with Joseph, and after the fourth or fifth attempt, he managed to press inside. 

Joseph was right, he still was wet. Not like a woman. He didn’t feel much like a woman at all. The texture was different, less slippery, and much hotter and tighter. It was better on the sheer account that it was Joseph. The groan from deep in Joseph’s throat, the way his dick started to swell only made it better, and most importantly how his expression clouded into a mix of pain and hopefully pleasure while his gaze remained intense and right on his little brother. Before John knew it, he had already bottomed out. He also became painfully aware of the embarrassing noises he himself was making. At least they weren’t as fruity as Jacob’s. 

He heard Jacob mutter something, then a louder, “You really are pretty like this, Joseph.” The urge to yell at him to shut up rose. But then Joseph whined in response, his reddened lips parting, and tightened around John. Scolding Jacob suddenly became a very silly idea. Especially when swooping down and swallowing that wonderful noise right from Joseph’s vulnerable mouth was equally available and even more tempting. 

Joseph didn’t even fight or flinch like before. Giddiness rose from John’s stomach, he was so happy he felt light-headed. He had to stop himself and concentrate. This was for Joseph’s enjoyment. He had to do his big brother proud. More than that, he had to prove that he was just as good as Jacob. As much as he wanted to pound recklessly into his brother to show exactly how unbearable his love for him was, John started slow and easy. He pulled away to watch Joseph’s expression. Only for Jacob to take his chance to steal a kiss from Joseph. That was very unfair considering it was  _ John’s turn  _ and John didn’t do anything of the sort when it was Jacob’s. But he noticed that Joseph’s eyes, or at least one of them was still half-open, and directed right onto his little brother. 

He shoved into Joseph much more forcefully than he probably should have. He honestly wasn’t sure since it wouldn’t have been too much for a woman and the high keen from his big brother could’ve meant he’d caused his brother a ton of pain, or that Joseph was really into it. But Joseph didn’t struggle. He even bucked back into John. That was… John laughed to himself as he roughly pushed into his brother again, he really didn’t know the right word for how euphoric this whole experience was. Even the sight of Joseph moaning into their brother’s mouth was starting to be less unfair and more amazing. Joseph wasn’t a whore and he wasn’t a slut, but he sure was looking downright debauched. 

With another high keen, Joseph tensed up tight like a cord about to snap, and shuddered as he came all over his and John’s stomach. He squeezed around John which honestly hurt a bit, but John would also be lying to say he wasn’t into it a bit. He gave up every pretense of control for Joseph’s pleasure and just desperately humped into his brother like some clueless lame virgin. John choked on a pathetic whine as he finished inside his brother. A dumb regret crossed his mind while he panted, it was too bad that he compulsively jerked off every day over Joseph. If he wasn’t such a lustful sinner and managed to restrain himself, then he was certain he’d be able to fill Joseph until he was overflowing. John laughed again, breathy and wheezy. That was a heavenly thought.

“John?” Joseph was just as out of breath.

“I know why God didn’t make you a woman,” John said, carefully and slowly pulling out, “because after tonight, there’s no way you wouldn’t be pregnant.” 

“Oh,” Joseph said simply.

“John,” Jacob sighed, exasperated as he shook his head. 

“Did I do good? Are you proud of me?” John swiped his fingers through his brother’s semen, scooping up as much as he could, “Do you see how much I love you now?” 

“I do see now,” Joseph said gently. He winced when John slid his filthy fingers into his mouth, openly licking around them. 

“Thank you for doing this, Joseph,” Jacob muttered. 

Joseph nodded. “I love you both.”

“Are you open to doing this again?”

“If you wish.” 

“Only if you want to.” 

“I want to,” John cut in before pressing the last bit of his brother’s semen between his lips, “I want to do so much more with you.” 

“I see. Of course I will indulge you.” 

“Does Jacob still have to come along next time?” 

“Only if I don’t need your permission for every time I do something with Joseph,” Jacob said. 

“Fine. But tell me at least. That way I can make sure it’s fair.” 

“You don’t trust me?” Joseph sounded disappointed.

“I do trust you! I do, I promise I do. It’s only that sometimes it’s easy to lose track. That is all that I’m saying.” 

Joseph sighed. 

“Okay,” Jacob said, “I’m fine with this.” 

“Yes. Good. Then it’s all settled,” John reached for the towel he’d set aside and folded it onto itself. He’d definitely toss it later. “What do you want to do now, Joseph? Do you want to finish inside us? I’ll prepare myself for you.” 

“Absolutely not. I do love you and I will spoil you when I can, but I still have my physical limits.” 

“Oh. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking,” John softly wiped his semen from his brother’s ass. At Joseph’s wince, he patted his brother’s scarred thigh reassuringly. “I can draw a bath for you. Clean you up. Or do you want something to eat? I can cook up something quickly. Or just something to drink? Some hot tea sounds good right now, doesn’t it?” 

As he prattled on, Jacob pressed closer to Joseph, draping himself over him and closing his eyes, clearly disinterested. At least Joseph still watched him, smiling patiently despite the occasional flicker of discomfort. 

“So which is it? What do you want me to do for you?” John asked, tossing the filthy onto the floor without a care. 

Joseph held his free arm out. “Come here, John.” 

“Are you sure that you don’t want—”

“Quiet, John,” Jacob growled. 

“Jacob,” Joseph rebuked him, but it was soft. He looked back to his little brother and that was enough for John. With only a second’s pause because he was so happy he didn’t know where to start, John rushed to lay at his brother’s side, wrapping himself around Joseph and only caring a little that his hand ended up tucked against Jacob’s chest. When Joseph softly kissed the top of his head, John hummed his joy. 

“I love you both,” Joseph slowly closed his eyes, looking utterly saintly in his serenity, “So I’ll ensure your souls remain light, even at any cost.” 

Before John could question him, he squeezed his brothers close to him, silencing any debate. And that was fine, John decided, for the best even. Their place was to have faith in Joseph for all things. John breathed in the reek of his brother’s sweat and the foul odor of their sex, content that he’d become one with Joseph in yet another way. He shoved the nagging feeling that it still wasn’t enough away. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> congratulations you've scaled the nuptse of incest chapters i hope youre proud of yourself because i'm sure proud of you for slogging through this 
> 
> sorry for it being so long if its unbearable let me know and i can chop it up but at least i will have the dignity of knowing that in its original form, i kept my promise 
> 
> all criticisms are welcome together we will make this the fc5 incest fanfiction to stand the test of time   
> also any comments or if u want to see a scene just holler at me in the comments ill fuckin throw it in there this ain't no crime and punishment this is here as my stress relief and [hopefully] your enjoyment   
> and if u cringe let me know ok hearing that my gross shit makes people cringe brings me endless joy bc i sure as hell was cringing writing this
> 
> also lol hurk as a verb again lol


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long, i don't have an excuse besides that I've been in a funk, but i'm doing a lot better now. I felt bad for not posting in a while so this chapter was part of a larger chapter i was working on, but after a novella length chapter like the last one, i think a short one is best lmao
> 
> i wrote this on my phone during said funk so sorry for any typos or if the quality sucks! if you spot any typos or any just shitty parts, pls let me know and i'll fix them. i already had to go back bc my phone doesnt like the word broth and thinks i mean brother and changed it without telling me. thank you phone.

Getting kneed in the side and nearly elbowed in the face wasn’t how John wanted to wake up in any circumstance. He jolted up, about to snarl. Then he saw the cause.

 Jacob had pinned Joseph down with a knee to his stomach and his hands clawed around his brother’s throat. Joseph kicked at nothing, his hands around Jacob’s wrists. John’s first instinct was to tackle Jacob, but even in his panic, he knew that freaking him out more would be the worst thing to do. He grabbed his brother’s elbow and tugged.

“Jacob,” John tried to keep his voice calm and soothing, but he couldn't hide the panicked shake in it, “You’re okay, please stop, please,  _ please stop _ —” 

The pained choked noise from Joseph ruined any chance John had of staying calm. He shoved against Jacob with all of his body weight which did stagger him, but he didn’t release their brother. He seemed to tighten his grip on Joseph’s throat, leaning into it. 

John bashed his head into Jacob’s. 

He fell back, but so did Jacob, his hands finally leaving Joseph’s neck. John didn’t give Jacob a chance to recover, he lunged after him, pinning him down with all his weight as he smashed their heads together again. Hopefully hard skulls were something passed down the Seed family tree. John had confidence in his, but giving Jacob a brain bleed was one of the last things he wanted. The very last thing he wanted was allowing Jacob a chance to hurt Joseph again. 

He swung at his brother, crushing his knuckles into his face. Briefly, as he drew his arm back for another hit, it occurred to him that Jacob wasn’t struggling. John didn’t dwell on it for longer than a moment. He struck Jacob again, sloppily, probably hurting himself just as bad as his target. John pulled back once more. Only for his arm to be grabbed as he was shoved off of Jacob. 

Joseph looked down on him, perfectly calm except for the tiniest wince as he started to speak. “That’s enough.” 

Despite his serene composure, his voice was rough, weak and uneven. Even in the dark, John could see the marks around his neck. 

“Joseph, I—” John started.

“Are you okay, Jacob?” Joseph asked softly, releasing John. He leaned over his older brother, gently wiping aside the blood dribbling from his nose. John moved off of him, sitting aside and rubbing the broken skin on his knuckles. He felt ashamed for some reason. As if he’d done something wrong by protecting Joseph. More disgustingly, his stomach burned with jealousy. He understood why Joseph went to Jacob’s side first, it made perfect logical sense. But he was like a kid who couldn’t control his own emotions.

“You’re safe now,” Joseph murmured, “You are with me and John, we are in Hope County, and everything is at peace. Breathe easy. Tell me what you see.” 

A pause. Just as John was about to warn Joseph that maybe touching their lethally-trained older brother while he was dissociated was a horrible idea, Jacob cleared his throat.

“I know where I am, Joseph,” he said, voice even quieter and flatter than his norm.

Joseph smiled, “Please tell me what you see.” 

“I see you. John is over there,” he paused, “Thanks, John. I see this very unnecessary bedroom. I see what I did to you.”

“It’s okay,” Joseph brushed his fingers through his brother’s beard, “It is through no fault of your own.” 

“You said if I ever hurt you again—” 

“No,” Joseph’s whole demeanor snapped to sternness only to immediately soften, “There’s no sin here for me to punish. As the Father, I can tell you with all certainty, that I see no sin concerning this within you.” 

“Joseph, I could have killed you.” 

“You wouldn’t have. John wouldn't have let you,” Joseph looked to his younger brother, concerned, “And are you okay?”   
“I’m fine. But with all the head trauma I’ve been accumulating, maybe that _is_ God’s way of telling me this relationship was a bad idea.” 

“I don’t think headbutting me is God’s will,” Jacob muttered. 

“I had to! You were strang—”

“John, may you please bring us a warm washcloth?” 

“No. John stays,” Jacob sat up, wincing as he wiped at his nose, “It’s not safe.” 

Joseph frowned, “Because you are a danger to me? Or because there is another danger?”

“There’s no guards. We’re already in a vulnerable position.” 

“Okay. John will stay.” 

Jacob swung his legs over the end of the bed. He reached down, grabbing his clothes that he’d haphazardly dropped aside. Joseph reached out for him. But John caught his hand and shook his head when Joseph looked at him. Understanding quickly dawned on his older brother’s face. Don’t even risk startling the veteran killer who literally ate someone.

“Jacob?” Joseph called out gently as his brother started to dress, “What are you doing?”

“Heading out. Securing the perimeter.” 

“No, Jacob,” John said, slowly moving to his brother’s side, “you should stay here with us. Keep us safe. I have a large property, you can't cover it all. Someone can get past you. Stay with us.”

At the same even pace, John felt under his bed until his fingers found the barrel of one of several rifles he’d kept there. It was a perfectly reasonable safety precaution and if anyone said it wasn't, well, his law license said otherwise. He pulled out the firearm, the AR-15 thankfully and not one of the three shotguns, and, checking that the safety was definitely on, held it out to Jacob. His brother took it without a word, bringing it against his chest as he stared toward the closed door. While he didn’t immediately flick the safety off, his finger twitched by it. 

“See? You can defend us now. Just stay here. “

While he trusted wholeheartedly that Jacob wouldn’t shoot him or Joseph, there was still a part of his brain that said giving him a loaded rifle was a really  _ really  _ bad idea. Though that was what Joseph had done the last time Jacob had a bad flashback. Yes, that was about a year ago, but it worked at the time. Judging by how Jacob visibly relaxed the moment he had a gun in his hands, it was still viable. Granted, he was pretty sure that the rifle Joseph had given him wasn’t loaded, but Jacob hadn’t tried to shoot them then, so did it really matter? Yes, it definitely did. 

Joseph carefully leaned onto their brother. He stroked his clothed back as he started to softly sing Jacob’s stupid song. It wasn’t stupid though, John supposed, especially when it was Joseph’s voice carrying the words. And most importantly, it was obviously calming Jacob down. He was a little impressed that Joseph still remembered every word when it’d been so long since John last heard him sing it. The dry edge in Joseph’s voice was a little worrying though. It seemed more hoarse than it was just moments before. 

John pressed against Jacob too. He was ready to back off the moment Jacob tensed, but he felt more tension leave his brother’s body. John breathed out. He wasn’t even aware that he’d been near hyperventilating that whole time. Now that he was calming down with his brother, he felt his heartbeat slowly even out and the burn in his lungs start to surface. 

When Joseph rasped a weak cough, Jacob startled. John instinctively dug his fingers into his brother’s arm, ready to pounce if he started firing everywhere. But Jacob didn’t. He looked down at Joseph.

“I hurt you,” he muttered, “You need your voice and I—”

Joseph hushed him gently. He opened his mouth as if to say something, only to close it a moment later, pressing his lips to Jacob’s shoulder instead. Jacob stared. Slowly, he turned his attention back to the door. 

John sighed. He waited for the tune to continue, but Joseph was too busy gazing at nothing in particular, deep in thought. John sighed again. He’d heard “Only You” enough times to at least remember the tune, well, for the most part. Starting from the beginning, John started to hum. It sounded bad and he knew it. But Joseph smiled at him and Jacob relaxed again, so it couldn’t have been that horrendous. 

The last time this happened, and most of the times before, Jacob had recovered pretty quickly. At least quicker than Joseph. He’d be out of sorts for a day, but at least he could function after an hour of Joseph’s coddling. Hopefully it’d be the same. And, hopefully, next time John slept with Joseph, he could get a full night’s rest in his favorite brother’s arms. 

  
  
  
  
  


It wasn’t an hour. It wasn’t until morning came that Jacob drew his hand back from the rifle's safety and he sighed.

"I'm sorry."

"There is nothing to be sorry for," Joseph said sweetly, well, as sweetly as he could through the damaged rasp in his fragile voice. John winced at how bad he sounded. He saw Jacob do the same.

"You shouldn't have to deal with this. With me."

"It is not a matter of 'have to,' rather, I willingly choose to. Yes, it is the choice that God favors, but even if it wasn't, well, haven't I proven that I’d still choose to stay by your side no matter what?” 

“You shouldn’t. I hurt you. I’m a risk. You need to put me down.” 

“I think you’ll agree that  _ I  _ am the one who has been wronged, thus  _ I  _ should be the one to decide that. You have no say in this.” 

“Jacob,” John sat upright, off of his brother, “You shouldn’t argue with Joseph. He knows best.” 

His older brother fell quiet for a moment. Slowly, he held the AR out to John.

“It’s loaded,” he said. 

John took it, only to double-check that the safety was definitely on, and set it behind him, “I know, and I know, you don’t need to lecture me. But it helped, didn’t it?”

“You put Joseph and yourself at risk.” 

“Right. Fine. Next time, I’ll just let you walk out half-naked and let the wolverines take care of you. They’d do a better job than I ever could of ripping your sins out.” 

“John…” Joseph muttered, disappointed. 

“Sorry,” John sighed, “I did think about that, but I still trusted you. You’re  _ my  _ brother too, and you had me worried.” 

Jacob paused again. “You should’ve kept going.”

It took John a moment to realize what he meant. When he did, he let out an irritated sigh, “That counts as arguing against Joseph. He’s the one who stopped me.” 

“Thank you for stopping me. I’m,” another pause, “very grateful that you were here.” 

“You would have stopped,” Joseph said, an over-the-top confidence layering his raspy voice as if he were trying to convince himself, “You wouldn't have killed me,” his tone dropped back to how it was, “God would not have let you.” 

Jacob slowly raised his hand to Joseph’s neck, bringing his fingers close, but not touching him. Not until Joseph nodded. He brushed against the bruised marks. 

“You need to see a medic.” 

“I’m fine,” Joseph smiled up at him. John couldn’t see Jacob’s expression at first. But when he looked away from Joseph, down to the ground, he could see his brother’s nose curl up in disgust. 

“Your guilt is understandable, for you are a righteous man, but it is not needed,” Joseph said.

“Your eyes, Joseph.” 

“What? I see fine. What is wrong?” 

John leaned closer around Jacob. In the dark, he hadn’t noticed it, and it still wasn’t bright enough to be noticed from a slight distance. The corners of his left eye were stained red with petechiae. The immature part of John rose up with the urge to beat Jacob into a pile of pulp and then cry into Joseph while being reassured that he’d be okay. The part that wasn’t a stupid child and that’d seen several domestic abuse cases in a courtroom forced him to stay calm. 

“It’s normal,” John said, “It’s only burst vessels. It’s to be expected after,” he caught himself when Joseph gave him a warning look, “that.” 

“That’s not the point,” Jacob pinched his brow, “The flock can’t see you like this.” 

“And why not? I have nothing to hide from them. I am but a man in a weak shell. I am not ashamed of my physical vulnerability, and I’m not ashamed of you, Jacob. It isn’t your fault. They will understand.” 

“You need to be a pillar of strength.” 

“I am. Isn’t forgiving you a sign of that? I won’t hide from them as I did before. My actions then were weakness. But I’m not ashamed of you. No longer.” 

“Then what about me? Think about how they’ll see me.”

“It’s not about you,” John said, “The Project is about Joseph, and all of us. Your soldiers won’t care. My people won’t say anything. I’ll make sure of it. And Faith’s, do I even need to comment on hers? Have  _ some  _ grace. Don’t be so ridiculously immature. No one cares about you.” 

John was fully prepared for Joseph to scold him for being so harsh, but his brother just nodded. Jacob didn’t say anything. 

“Come on, how about we get some ice for your neck? Then we can see what to do from there.” 

“Joseph should rest,” Jacob said.

“I am fine. I want to stay awake with you. If anything causes you further distress, I want to be there to comfort you.” 

Jacob looked like he was about to argue for a moment. But he stopped. He watched Joseph reach for his discarded clothes without moving. When he stood up abruptly, only to immediately sit back down, Jacob reached out, catching Joseph’s arm.

“You’re hurt.” 

“I am  _ not  _ something easily broken,” Joseph snapped. The irritation in his voice didn’t exactly carry through the rasp, but his words were enough. “Stop assuming I’m in constant pain. I am  _ not.  _ There is discomfort, yes, but it is not pain. I am not weak enough to immediately interpret everything as pain.”

He pulled his arm from his brother. John looked from Jacob’s guilty expression to Joseph’s furrowed brow and narrowed eyes. 

After Joseph’s reaction, he didn’t want to admit that he was just as worried. Instead, he got up, gathering his own clothes on his way to grab Joseph’s glasses. They were thankfully still on the nightstand. The situation would truly be garnished if they'd fallen and cracked. He looked through the tinted lenses and frowned. 

The satisfaction from filling his brother with himself had all evaporated. All that was left was that stupid immature hunger for more of Joseph. It was probably Jacob’s fault for ruining their morning. No, it was definitely. Otherwise that’d mean that the fulfillment from Joseph was temporary, that he’d have to return time and time again only to be emptied over and over. But, John smiled at the frames, the frustration extinguishing as quickly as it came, that only meant that he’d have to spend more time with Joseph. Why was that bad? He felt silly, maybe a bit stupid, for even thinking for a second that needing Joseph was bad. Of course he needed Joseph. And even if he came to need him more and more, well, Joseph was indulging them more and more. It was fine. More than fine. It was perfect. It was just how God made him. An empty shell that could only be filled by his brother’s righteous light.

“John?” Joseph’s weak voice jarred him back to attention. John looked at over at him, meeting his gaze with an easy smile. 

“These are filthy,” he said, “if you’re going to insist on wearing them all the time, you should keep them clean. I’ll give you some wipes. And I wouldn’t bother getting dressed again. You need to be washed before we can present you to the flock. After some ice, I’m certain the steam will help.”  
Even Jacob turned to look at him. John wasn’t sure why. He was calm now. He just needed to remind himself of what he was. Joseph glanced away, only to glance back at his little brother. 

“...present me? Is that your perspective?”

“Don’t overthink it, Joseph. Jacob was right, you’re a pillar of strength. What would they think if you showed yourself covered in sweat and fluid with,” John glanced down at the frames in hand, “filthy glasses?” 

“I don’t—”

“I’m sorry, Joseph, but you should try not to speak. Save your voice. You’ll need it later.” 

Joseph frowned. He didn’t say anything though. John flashed him his most reassuring smile as he leaned over the bed, his glasses held out. Joseph watched him, concerned for some reason, before taking them and sliding them on. 

“There. Still filthy, but I’ll clean them for you later.”

John backed away. Jacob tilted his head toward Joseph and muttered something. It sounded a lot like “John is John,” but that seemed like a weird thing to say. 

“You can’t even wait until my back is turned to talk about me?”

Jacob glared at him. At least that was a good sign. He wasn’t feeling so guilty he couldn’t even be disappointed in his little brother. John hesitated before turning his back on them. He wasn't leaving the room, so it was an unreasonable worry. Despite that, he grabbed two robes as quickly as possible while,  _ of course _ , taking time to find his best for Joseph. His brothers were still watching when he turned back to them. 

“Here, Joseph,” he handed the robe to his brother, stuffing down the urge to gloat that it was Turkish. Now was definitely not the time for that. Even if he did, unfortunately, he doubted Joseph would understand. “If it’s not acceptable for you, I can find something more worthy.” 

Joseph stared at it, frowning. “This is unnecessary,” he muttered.

“Joseph, I truly believe you should save your voice. You’ll heal faster. Please, take it. If not for your comfort, then for mine.” 

Jacob started to say something, only to stop, back to staring guiltily at nothing. It was frustrating, annoying even. But John supposed that if he’d done the same to Joseph, he’d be more of a mess. That was just another reason why he had to be calm and strong now, to show Joseph that he could truly rely on John, that he needed his little brother to support him. 

When Joseph pulled the robe on, he glanced away, looking distinctly uncomfortable. That was frustrating too. But John’s irritation wasn’t towards Joseph, it was directed at himself. It seemed that all of his attempts to soothe him only put him further from ease. But despite that, he still was absolutely precious in John’s clothing. John couldn’t resist running his fingers through his brother’s greasy sweaty hair, from his scalp and through to the ends. 

“I’m only doing this out of my love for you. You know that, right? Don’t answer, if you did not, then you know now.”

“John,” Jacob said, not firmly, but John could tell that the intent was there.

“I know, I know,” John quickly yanked his own robe on before offering a hand to Joseph. When he only received a flat stare in response, he went to smooth down his beard and hair instead. Was that really like treating Joseph like a child? It had seemed only polite. John stepped away, towards the door. After two steps and after taking a deep breath, Joseph stood. None of the discomfort from before showed. Of course he wouldn’t let it show. It probably didn’t even bother him. He was so strong that something so simple wouldn’t affect him. But he stopped to hold his own hand out to Jacob. A nauseating kind of jealousy rose into John’s chest. He swallowed it down. If it were any other context, then he’d raise a fuss. 

“I should go,” Jacob said.

“Absolutely not,” Joseph murmured. Before John could chide him again, he shot his younger brother a reassuring slight smile. Jacob finally took Joseph’s hand, squeezing it. 

“Joseph,” John said, purposefully interrupting whatever moment his brothers had, “If you feel light-headed, a headache, sudden dizziness, tiredness, any signs of a concussion, please tell us.” 

Joseph’s kind smile grew as he nodded. John wasn’t stupid, he knew it was entirely just to put him at ease. But it worked. At least until Joseph smoothed Jacob’s hair from a disaster to a regular mess. The jealousy flared back up. Hearing Joseph whisper an “I love you,” to Jacob made him sick. The feelings of his immature self filled his rational part with disgust. 

When Joseph didn’t drop Jacob’s hand as they drew near, John looked away. He bit his lip, telling himself that, no, just because Joseph was being so affectionate with Jacob now did not mean that John could abuse Joseph and receive the same treatment. Jacob had a right to this behavior. 

“Ideally, you should be examined by a doctor,” John said, only for the purpose of filling the air, “but I can’t see what they can do that we couldn’t. I do know that the best thing for a sore throat is fresh tea. Peppermint or ginger or—”

“It’s not the same, John,” Jacob muttered, passing him.

“I’m fully aware of that, thank you,” John huffed, “But at least I’m doing something more than glowering around feeling bad for myself. Don’t say anything, Joseph. I know, don’t speak to Jacob that way, have more patience, control myself, well, isn’t it reasonable to be worried? I think it’d be more of a sin if I wasn’t worried. Ah, but then that’s no excuse for my behavior and I should be more like you. Always calm, always composed, always forgiving, not so immature and—”

“John!” Jacob snarled. John hated how he flinched, and he especially hated how Joseph stepped between them, reaching out to gently settle his fingers on Jacob’s arm. Joseph didn’t have to say anything. Jacob glanced aside, uncoiling instantly. “Do you remember what you asked me?” 

“You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“Your request. To be normal.” 

John glared at him over Joseph’s shoulder, “Are you insinuating that I’m not doing exactly that?” 

“I am.” 

John bristled, looking to Joseph to defend him. But he was staring down, away from both of his brothers. John’s aggression extinguished, leaving only that awful emptiness again. Unlike before, it wasn’t comforting at all. It was exactly how he felt before this whole mess, before what they’d done to their poor merciful all-loving brother. 

“Yes,” he said bitterly. He hadn’t even been aware of his manic tone before, now that it was gone though, it was day and night. “I’m sorry, Joseph.” 

Joseph shook his head, “It’s only my fault.” 

“No, that isn’t—”

Before John could finish, Joseph placed a hand on his cheek. He brushed his thumb across his little brother’s cheek. Despite his kind smile, the rest of his expression was tragic. 

John sighed. “I don’t know what normal is anymore. How I was before, is that truly 'normal?'” 

Joseph’s smile faltered. Jacob watched John, unreadable. 

“But,” John forced on a sugary affect, “things like that are better to be prayed on in solitude, aren’t they, Joseph? Now isn’t the time for introspection. You really are putting up with us. Having been hurt and denying yourself any treatment for our sake, you’re always so selfless. I’ll stop being selfish now.” 

John pulled Joseph’s hand from his face, dragging his brother’s knuckles to his mouth. Trying to analyze his own feelings would be like Sisyphus, so he didn’t bother. He dropped Joseph’s hand. At Joseph’s still crestfallen expression, he put on a saccharine smile. But Joseph didn’t bother returning it. He looked over John’s face, then turned away, returning to Jacob’s side and leading their older brother along. 

Biting his lip and curling his blunt nails into his palm, John watched the two of them, unaware of what he’d done wrong. 

  
  
  


Joseph smiled at John as he set down a cup of chamomile tea in front of his older brother. He adjusted the wrapped ice he’d pressed against his neck, rubbing it around as if that’d do anything. Jacob gave John an odd look.

“It isn’t hot,” John said. Jacob glanced beside himself to Joseph. It was by their favored brother’s insistence that Jacob stay as close as possible. Joseph sipped at his tea, wincing as he swallowed. John wasn’t sure why he was holding his own breath. There was none of himself in it. He’d felt too guilty to. But he still watched Joseph’s expression carefully. 

When Joseph smiled gratefully at him, John breathed out. 

“You shouldn’t eat solids for now. I do have some bone broth, but it isn’t fresh and I hesitate to,” John caught himself, “I’ll heat it up.” 

When Joseph only gave him a slight nod in acknowledgement, John turned his back on his brothers. But the sound of a chair scraping against his floors returned his gaze to them.

“No, stay with me,” Joseph muttered, grabbing his brother’s arm with his free hand. The intensity of his stare wasn’t lessened by his disheveled wrecked state. 

“I’m getting water.”

“I can do that for you. Just stay with Joseph.” 

“I can do it myself. I’ll be back. Promise.” 

Joseph’s grip visibly tightened as he set the ice pack down, “Why do you assume that I believe you’ll leave?” 

“What’d John say? Save your voice.” 

“I must confess that I am quickly becoming  _ very  _ frustrated of you two using that as an excuse to silence me.” 

“ _ I  _ am not doing that,” John said indignantly. Neither of his brothers reacted. 

“Listen to your older brother, “ Jacob gestured towards his tea, “drink.” 

“I am your  _ Father. _ ”

“Are you the Father now? Right now? Looking like this? Were you the Father last night when John and I were inside you?” 

Instead of the fury or hurt that John expected Joseph to show, he only wore shocked confusion. While John was trying to figure out exactly was unclear, the hurt finally rose to the surface. Joseph dropped Jacob. He hid both hands in his lap, his gaze directed downwards. 

“Isn’t it okay to take a break every now and then though?” John said, “You know better than me, of course, but I don’t believe that you should feel guilty about not always being the Father. It should be okay to just be Joseph sometimes. God will understand.” 

Again, Joseph didn’t react to him. Almost like he didn’t say anything at all. John bit back a hurt huff and walked away. 

  
  
  


He’d only just pulled a container of broth from the fridge when he heard Jacob behind him. John didn’t need to look, he knew he’d only be met with Jacob’s flat gaze. 

“What you said was cruel. I hope you're planning on asking for forgiveness as soon as you calm down,” John sighed. He set down the broth and finally turned to his brother. But he wasn’t where he expected him to be. John glanced aside. He narrowed his eyes, trying to figure out exactly what the fuck Jacob was cutting with John’s best steak knife. 

“What the hell are you—!?”

“Quiet,” Jacob said, calm as if he wasn’t in the middle of slicing his palm, “Don’t alert Joseph.”

He rose the knife, posturing for another cut.

“Don’t—!”

“I told you to be quiet,” he didn’t even blink as he dug the blade in deep, “I’m not unreasonable right now. I’m not vulnerable. I’m not like that. Right now, I am myself, and I know this is what I have to do.”

“What are you even talking about? You don’t need to do this, Jacob, please, stop, I don’t know what you think is going on, but—”

“Stop talking to me like that. I can barely tolerate it when it’s Joseph. I told you, I’m perfectly aware right now.” 

Jacob pulled the knife away, setting it down. He looked over his handiwork, flexing and squeezing his hand, completely dismissive of the blood slipping down his arm. 

“Then why are you doing this!?” John went for the knife, but Jacob swiped it from him with his injured hand, his cuts not impeding him at all. 

“So this won’t happen again. Don’t you get it? If you weren’t there, if you hadn’t begged like some brat, I would’ve killed Joseph.”

He opened his other hand wide. John grabbed his wrist, yanking it away before Jacob could cut himself. He dug his nails into his older brother’s arm as hard as he could.

“That’s what this is? Punishment? This is a miserable excuse for penance.”

“No. If I wanted penance, I’d ask you since Joseph won’t. This is a precaution. If this happens again, if I hurt Joseph or you again, I’ll pain myself. I’ll feel it. And I’ll stop.”

“Hey, you really think I’m an idiot? You truly believe I’m that much of a fool to believe a dumb excuse like that? I know that won’t work.” 

Jacob watched him, expression unchanging. 

“Put the knife down. We’ll let Joseph think it was an accident.”

“An accident, just like your hand?”

“What? No,” John curled his other hand, turning his bandaged finger away from his brother, “This isn’t—”

“You tell me not to treat you like a fool, but that’s how you’ve been treating me. It should be healed by now. What are you punishing yourself for? Is it that last bit of self-awareness inside you?”

“What? No, it’s not a matter of punishment. You shouldn’t speak about things you have no understanding of.”

Jacob slowly exhaled. “You’re not the one who has to live with this.”

“I won’t stand by and watch you hurt himself. You’re my brother too.”

“Then you’ll understand that, despite myself,” Jacob’s gaze fell from John’s, “I still want to stay by him.”

John sighed. He let go of Jacob. 

“Bandages are in that drawer. Clean up this mess. Scrub that knife clean. I’d tell you to toss it, but it’s Japanese. Not that you’d appreciate it.”

“I do appreciate it. Cuts like a dream.”

“Don’t compliment my knife when you're filleting yourself. I have standards for flattery.”

Jacob ignored him and finally pressed the blade to his skin, sliding it down. John watched the flesh part into shallow meat, blood dribbling up. The usual euphoria at the sight of gore didn’t rush through him. He looked away, turning his attention back to Joseph’s breakfast. They were lucky he hadn’t come investigating. Granted they’d both receive a dose of his disappointment when he saw what John had let Jacob do to himself, but it was better to put that off for as long as possible. 

“John.”

Sighing, John looked over his shoulder at his brother. Jacob set the knife aside.

“Thank you for understanding.”

“I never said I did. But fine. Hurry and clean yourself up. You’re making a huge mess on my countertops. Ugh, and my floor too. If I see a single stain tomorrow, I’m dragging you back here to clean everything on your hands and knees until it’s sparkling. Do you understand that?”

The slight smile he received in response wasn’t a good indicator either way. 

  
  


Joseph hadn’t budged. John wasn’t expecting him to, but he was hoping he’d lighten up. He glanced at his brothers with an expression flat enough to put Jacob to shame. Until his gaze fell to Jacob’s wrapped hands. Joseph rushed to his feet. 

“You—”

“I’m fine,” Jacob raised both palms.

“John, you did this?”

“No, I didn’t and I tried to stop him, but,” John set the bowl down a decent distance from his brother. It wasn’t as if there was a risk of Joseph throwing it in a fit, but, okay, yeah, there was a definite risk of that. “It would be an obvious lie if I said something like I didn’t allow it.” 

“After all that I have done for you, you’d still disobey me like this?”

“This isn’t disobeying you,” Jacob said, “I did this to myself for my own sake. You said that I wasn’t to be punished. This isn’t punishment, this is…” he glanced down for a moment, “a privilege.”

“A privilege,” Joseph repeated, his weak voice only adding to the dryness. “So instead of repentance, this is only self-harm. Is that meant to be comforting? Am I supposed to give my blessing on this? To think that it is anything more than a lowly act?”

“No. I really don’t mind if you think that.” 

Joseph glared at him. Sighing, he sat back down and stared away at nothing. 

John waited for Jacob to say something else, hopefully something that would ease the situation. But his oldest brother seemed more than content to let the atmosphere sit heavy. 

He smiled as he started to speak, though Joseph still wasn’t looking. “I know I can’t even begin to fathom how you see this and how that makes you feel. I also know that all your frustration is because you love Jacob. And me. But please try to understand that our actions are from the same source, that we love you, and neither of us wants to see you distressed. Right now, you really shouldn’t stress yourself. You should relax and let yourself heal and try not to concern yourself with us. Because everything I do, we do, is because we love you.”

“Love,” Joseph repeated, flat again.

“Yes. Love. I love you  _ so much. _ ”

“I don’t understand.”

“What? What is there to not understand? It’s very simple. I mean, isn’t it?”

“I don’t understand what to do.”

“There is nothing you need to do. Only relax and recover. Tell him that, Jacob. Maybe it’ll be better if it’s from you.”

Jacob sighed, “That’s not what he’s talking about.”

“Then what? What did I say wrong? Joseph, just tell me what I did wrong and how I can fix this. Please tell me how I can make you happy.”

“I was happy. Your words made me happy. Only because I willingly fooled myself into believing they were true, even if for such a short while.” Joseph closed his eyes and bowed his head, as if he was praying. 

“A short while? You mean something I said last night? But I meant it all. Everything I said was true.”

“Was it? I know you weren’t lying and when I consider it, I can’t find fault with the conclusions we’ve reached, but,” Joseph paused, opening his eyes, still focusing on nothing, “the way you treat me, the way you speak to me, the feelings I have concerning what I’ve allowed, it’s nothing like what I had with her.”

“Her, huh?” John swallowed, but his mouth and throat were still dry. He forced another smile, looked down to nothing, then to the morning light shining in, trying to find anything that the mere sight of didn’t piss him off. Even trying to take a deep breath was infuriating since all it did was burn his chest. “ _ Her.” _

Joseph’s demeanor immediately shifted. The miserable stagnancy changed into something distinctly more apologetic. “No, John, I—”

“Well, Joseph, have you considered that we’re not her?”

“John,” Jacob said firmly. To be entirely honest, John was starting to get sick of his brothers always corralling his feelings. If he’d done something wrong, then it was okay for Joseph, but he hadn’t done anything wrong. Why was he wrong for getting rightfully angry? It didn’t make any sense. They were a family, they were supposed to express things openly to each other. He tried breathing in again, another lame attempt to calm himself.

“Because, Joseph, we aren’t her. And I don’t really understand why you keep comparing us. In fact, I don’t really understand why you still think about her. We aren’t her.  _ We aren’t her. I—”  _

John grabbed the bowl he’d prepared for Joseph and flung it. The sound of it breaking against his floors did nothing to quell him.

“I am  _ better  _ than her! I have done more for you than  _ anyone  _ ever has! Especially that useless fucking woman! I will do  _ anything  _ for you, Joseph! I will do it selflessly without a single care for my own wants because I  _ love  _ you! And then you treat me like this! Why!? It’s because I can’t give you a child, isn’t it? Isn’t it!? Well, that wasn’t my choice, Joseph! If I could change for you, I would! And I would gladly give you a child and I can promise you that mine wouldn’t end up rotting in the ground!”

“John!” Jacob snarled, “That’s enough!”

“I don’t care if you don’t feel the same! But this is how  _ I  _ feel! I’ve been selfless for so long and I haven’t asked for much in return! I’ve been so miserable that I didn’t even know I was miserable, and Joseph, you make me  _ so  _ happy, but then you take that away and, and just imagine how I feel!”

He stopped to catch his breath, chest heaving. Joseph’s gaze met his. His older brother didn’t look mad. Only hurt.

“I love you,” John said when neither of his brothers stopped him, “I really do love you. And it’s normal to want to be loved back. It’s normal. It is.” 

Jacob sighed. “What’s wrong with you?”

“I,” John swallowed, wanting to argue, but unable to bring himself to. “Joseph, what is wrong with me?”

He watched his brother, waiting for an answer. But Joseph only stared back.

“Joseph, please, tell me.”

“You told me,” Joseph finally said, barely above a whisper, “to save my voice.”

“Yes. Right. That’s good. You really should. I’m sorry for making you speak. And I,” John glanced in the direction he’d thrown the dish. It was all over the floor in a fractured scattered mess. “I really am sorry for ruining your breakfast. I’ll repent later, when you can be there for me.” 

“That’s all you’re going to say?” Jacob muttered. 

“Then tell me what I’m supposed to say!” John snapped. He took a deep breath. Throwing another tantrum was the worst possible thing to do. “That broth was old anyways. Not worthy. I can make something else for you. Something fresh and—”

John cut himself off when Joseph shook his head. 

“I see. Then you probably want to wash yourself, don’t you? I’m sure you feel disgusting."

Slowly, Joseph nodded.

"I want to be there with you. I don’t need to touch you if you don’t want to, you can do everything yourself, I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

After several seconds of nothing, Joseph glanced down. “I wouldn’t be comfortable with that, and yet I,” he paused, wincing as he swallowed, “don’t want to be apart from either of you.”

“We’ll wait right outside then,” Jacob said, “so that we won’t be apart. We won’t leave. I promise. If anything happens, you’ll be there, and we’ll be there. Is that acceptable?”

Joseph nodded again, still hesitant. He sighed, a dry papery kind of sound, and closed his eyes. 

“Truly, we are all selfish, aren’t we?”

“That isn’t true, Joseph,” Jacob said firmly. His tone softened. “You aren’t selfish enough.”

John nodded, trying to express wholehearted agreement. But as much as he wanted to speak up, he was too afraid that Joseph would see through the lie. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yah guys dont take life advice from an incest fanfic, that is literally the worst way to deal with anyone in a flashback lol
> 
> THANK YOU FOR READING! i really do appreciate everyone's comments and kudos! I was in a bad place because of outside forces aka people are assholes and seeing that people read this and enjoyed it really cheered me up. i love you guys, happy late fourth, may murica murica onwards and i'll try to get the other part of this chap up within the month!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i doggone said i'd get the next chap up this month, i'm a man of my word
> 
> this chap may seem like just badly written porn, but it is plot porn, plornt so to speak, but let's not because when you say plornt out loud it sounds like some kind of medical tumor or abscess

Nothing really changed. Well, besides the fact that Joseph insisted on Jacob accompanying him everywhere. He didn’t give a reason and Jacob didn’t bother asking. 

Everyone blatantly noticed the ugly bruises around the Father’s neck, and it was impossible for even an idiot to miss that he only managed to speak in forced whispers. But no one said anything. They’d look shocked, worried, maybe scared, but none said a word about it. Joseph still preached till his voice wore out, though that process didn’t take hours like before, and everyone still gathered, albeit a bit more clustered around their Father. Even Faith didn’t mention it. The furthest she went was a quick judging glance towards Jacob. He didn’t know if she glared at John in the same way. 

They’d barely seen him after Joseph said he’d wanted Jacob to stay and John to focus on his duties. In the moment, he’d taken it shockingly well. But afterwards, he showed up to mass, would make a half-hearted attempt at conversation only to leave the moment his irritation showed. So not much past pleasantries. That day, he hadn’t even held himself together to ask Joseph how he felt. As soon as Joseph acknowledged him, he grabbed Joseph's wrist, sputtered a bunch of incomplete nonsense, and hurried away before Jacob could pry him off. 

Joseph watched him, clearly hurt before it morphed into outright regret. Like he was the one in the wrong. 

The memory made Jacob sigh as he dragged his knife over his palm, reopening the scabs. Doing it every other night for the past two weeks accustomed him to the discomfort. It barely caused any sensation, let alone pain. He quickly did the same to his other hand, careful to make sure all blood dribbled down into the sink. Joseph was kind enough to allow him to do this in his current residence. Making a mess would be the utmost disrespect. 

As he rebandaged his hands, he heard Joseph approach from behind.

“Finish eating? Hope it was fine. I know it’s nothing fancy like John’s. I hope it was fine enough though.”

“It was wonderful. Thank you.” Joseph said. While his voice wasn't much more than a whisper, it was steadier and smoother than it’d been the week before. At least it wasn’t cracking like it was the days immediately after. Jacob wiped the knife he’d used dry on the nearest rag.

“I’ll clean up. Go rest, pray, I don’t know, whatever you want.”

“I want to spend time with you.”

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with me.”

“Yes, but I’ve hardly taken the time to appreciate your company.”

“Appreciate my company,” Jacob set the knife aside and finally turned to face his brother, “Is that so.”

“That isn’t to say that I haven’t been appreciating all that you’ve been doing for me. I have. More than you know.”

“I don’t need to know. I don’t do anything to be appreciated. I do it for you.”

“I know,” Joseph smiled gently, “but I wanted to convey clearly what you’ve shown me.”

“And what is that?”

“Despite all this time we’ve had together, despite doing everything for my comfort, you haven’t made any demands.” 

It took a moment, but Jacob sighed again when he realized what Joseph meant. 

“Is that really so surprising?”

“No, that isn’t what I meant. I know you respect my boundaries, I no longer have any fear of you forcing yourself upon me. I’m only saying that it shows a different form of love. Something quiet and everyday.”

“You mean domestic.”

“Yes, but I wasn’t sure if saying so would be a reach in your eyes.”

“I can’t say I thought of it that way.”

“And that’s what makes it so wonderful.”

Joseph settled a hand on his older brother’s cheek, stroking the bare skin with his thumb while he nestled the rest of his fingers into his beard. He watched Jacob as if waiting for a response. But Jacob wasn’t sure what he wanted him to say. Agreeing or disagreeing seemed odd when he didn’t fully understand the full depth of Joseph’s words. His little brother appeared happy enough saying them, so it was probably an approval. But Joseph was also Joseph. He was honest in his own unique way. 

Before Jacob could properly react, Joseph kissed him. 

It was too easy to go along and allow himself to savor the fact that Joseph initiated with literally no prompting. But Joseph wouldn’t. There had to have been a reason. Maybe it was John’s behavior. Maybe it was something Jacob said or did without noticing. Maybe he just felt guilty. Jacob brought his hands to Joseph’s shoulders. 

As soon as he applied any pressure, Joseph grabbed both of his wrists, clawing his nails into his skin. The hot excitement that flooded his veins from that simple action disgusted Jacob. 

“Don’t fight me,” Joseph muttered against Jacob’s lips. He pulled away. But he didn’t release his brother. Instead he looked over Jacob’s face as if he were a fascinating experiment, or an animal he’d never seen before. The curiosity turned into a fond smile.

“Joseph, why—”

His brother kissed him again. Jacob gave up any pretense of being responsible. He tried to tug his hands free to cup Joseph’s face, pull his hair free, brush down his uneven overgrown beard, anything to touch him, but Joseph dug his nails in deeper. It stung more than the knife had. The high noise Jacob made in response didn’t cause him any embarrassment by any means, but it certainly wasn’t something he’d want anyone other than Joseph to hear. 

When Joseph parted, Jacob tried to follow. But he caught himself and glanced aside. There really was no hiding his desperation though. Two weeks in the nearly nonstop company of his brother was tempting enough. Joseph’s policy on onanism was a bit frustrating, but he also wasn’t some immature brat who couldn’t control his own urges. No, the worst thing was the fact that the daily reports from the mountains all said the same thing. The machine he’d built to be self-sufficient was too self-sufficient. Joseph’s army didn’t need him, it was surviving and thriving on its own. He’d served his purpose and now he wasn’t needed any longer. The only reason to stay was for Joseph. Not his mission, just his little brothers, both of them, but Joseph moreso. Jacob knew it was stupid to get caught up on his growing uselessness. The point of a weapon  _ was  _ to carve a future where it was obsolete. That didn’t stop his want for Joseph to comfort him, reassure him that he was still wanted and needed as a person, even if no longer as a soldier.

“You’re conflicted,” Joseph said softly, breaking the silence before it grew too long, “Why? Is this not what you want?” 

“No, it is.”

“Is it because only you or John can touch me? I can’t do the same to you?”

“No, that’s not true.” 

Joseph dropped one of Jacob’s wrists to stroke the side of his face. His smile hadn’t faltered at all. It was just teasing then. Joseph adjusted his remaining grip on his brother to pull him along. 

Jacob couldn’t bring himself to resist. He did manage to speak up. “Joseph, wait.”

 “You always find a reason to argue. What is it this time? Are you still afraid of hurting me? Or do you still think I can’t decide for myself?”

“You can, I know that.”

“So you fear me hurting me then. You won’t.”

“How do you know?”

“I have faith in you. I have faith in myself. And if my faith there is misplaced, then my faith in God is not.”

Jacob sighed instead of arguing. From Joseph’s perspective, his argument was infallible so there wasn’t a point to. Still, he felt the urge to protest before Joseph pulled him into the bedroom. Joseph paused before he could though, turning to his brother without meeting his gaze.

“Is that the same reason you haven’t been sleeping beside me?” 

“Maybe I just prefer sleeping on chairs.”

“Jacob.”

“Yes. It is.”

Joseph’s smile flickered before falling outright into a mournful expression. His eyes finally met Jacob’s.

“I wish,” he said, brushing his thumb over the marks he’d left with his nails, “that you loved yourself as much as I do.”

“I don’t need anything like that.” 

Joseph sighed, “I know.” He smiled that forced smile that Jacob hated and led his brother through the doorway. It was the first time he’d been inside this particular room. And to be honest, it was likely among the last. Joseph would probably end up relocating again soon enough. Jacob pulled his hand away from Joseph and his little brother finally let him slip free. He shut the door, not that there was a real reason to. No one would dare interrupt the Father’s rest, though it was hardly night. Still, the thought of there being the slightest chance that Faith would witness their relations again made Jacob want to rampage like his youngest brother. If anyone else saw, then that’d be the only form of damage control. 

Thoughts like that were too heavy, so Jacob shoved them aside as he pulled his fatigues off. 

“Wait.”

Jacob froze. There wasn’t an ounce of fear inside of Joseph’s tone, but that single word hit him like a gunshot. Even Joseph’s hand settling on his shoulder did little to soothe him. 

“You’ve done nothing wrong. It’s only that I want to spend my time with you at an easier pace. Before, as I said, I only wanted to finish this experience as quickly as possible. Now, I am open to other perspectives.” 

Jacob nodded. He took a deep breath, focusing on his brother’s serene composure. “If you change your mind—”

“I swear I will tell you. Respect my choices. And my authority.”

“I do.”

“There,” Joseph squeezed his upper arm, “then it’s no issue. Come, sit with me.”

Even though he gave the order, he waited for Jacob to sit on the bed first. He left a small distance between them, but quickly bridged that gap by dragging Jacob’s hand between them and setting his over it. Jacob didn’t say anything. The meager contact was already enough to put him at ease. Not entirely. More than he’d been since he first hurt Joseph though.

“Jacob.”

“Joseph.”

His younger brother met his eyes. “I truly do love you.”

“You do?”

“Ah, I meant—” Joseph glanced aside. “...It still isn’t that kind of love.”

“Right,” Jacob swallowed, disgusted at his disappointment, “Of course.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It isn’t your fault. You shouldn’t apologize for being normal. I’ll love you no matter what. That you still accept me despite everything I am, that’s already more than enough.”

Joseph looked back at him. He smiled. “Of course I would. No matter what, I would. Through any means, even if things had to change, I would keep you by me. I have.”

“Are you really fine with things continuing like this though? Forever?”

“If I must, then I will,” Joseph said. He leaned his head onto his brother’s shoulder and closed his eyes. “When I take into consideration the alternative, then this isn’t even suffering. I love you. I love John. And I have my role, my mission granted to me by God. Those three things are all that matter.”

“That’s your perspective now.”

“It’ll be my perspective forever. I am infallible.” 

Jacob nodded. Whether or not he agreed didn’t matter. It never did. Though there was no way he saw, Joseph squeezed his hand as if he was acknowledging him. 

“Lay by me,” Joseph said softly.

“Okay.”

Joseph sat up, taking his hand from Jacob’s. He watched his brother settle down, and followed after a pause, resting his head on Jacob’s shoulder. 

“Is this fine?” Joseph asked.

“Your glasses are stabbing me.”

“Oh. Then,” Joseph propped himself up, pulled his frames off and set them aside. Then he reached back, tugging his hair free. He laid back down. “Is this better?”

“Much.” Jacob curled his hand into his little brother’s hair, stroking and smoothing it loose. His hand ached from the motion. It was a comforting and reassuring pain. The strands were soft and dry. He could smell the soap Joseph used daily under Jacob’s care. It wasn’t strong by any means, but it masked the dusty soil-like odor that his brother usually carried. It’d be a lie to say he didn’t miss it, but Jacob would rather Joseph be clean. He craned over to kiss his forehead.

Joseph exhaled at the contact. He wrapped his hand around the rabbit’s foot on Jacob’s chest. 

“Thank you for everything you’ve done,” he said.

“No need to thank me. Being with you, I’ve told you, it’s what makes me happy.”

“Your happiness has been dampened though.”

Jacob inhaled deep, his chest rising, “Joseph, just because you’ve forgiven me doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven myself.”

“But to repent, to make it up to me, I want you to be happy.”

“It doesn’t work that way, Joseph.”

Joseph sighed, a weak near-wheeze. He slid his hand across Jacob’s chest, grabbing a handful of his fatigues. 

“In all honesty,” he said, “I hate this.”

“This,” Jacob repeated.

“Being like this. Weakened. Marked. I don’t blame you. I hold nothing against you. But to stay silent and act like I am okay, that is a lie. I hate how they look at me. With pity. I shouldn’t be pitied. I am the herald of God, I am their shepherd, their guide, their messiah, I am their Father and yet they dare look at me like I am below them.”

“Joseph, no. They’re just worried. No one thinks that you are below them.”

“But they look at me like I am. And no one mentions it. Like they think I’m so fragile and sensitive that any acknowledgment of the truth will distress me. I know how I am, I know how I look. I am to be treated with respect and nothing less, but in return for all the love I give, they treat me like I am weak, like I am a blind fool."

"It's my—"

Joseph darted up, holding himself up with one hand still on his brother's chest and the other on his arm, "Don't you dare say that it is your fault."

"Joseph, it is. I respect you too much to lie to you."

With a raspy breathy snarl, Joseph's hands were at Jacob's neck. Despite the hurt anger he openly wore, Joseph barely pressed down on his brother's throat, not even enough to hinder his breathing. He kept his fingers wide, his nails far from Jacob's skin. Even worse, Jacob felt happy. He felt more than happy. A rush of fulfillment and euphoria filled his veins. It was a relief that Joseph wasn't on top of him, otherwise there was no way his little brother would miss his growing erection. He really was despicable. Without a doubt the worst big brother anyone could have. No, the worst period. He was simply a rotten animal through and through. 

Jacob slowly brought his fingers to Joseph's arms. One of his sleeves was still rolled-up, while the other had fallen loose. He ran his hands along his little brother's forearms, relishing the slick feeling of his brother's sweaty and burning bare skin and the heat he felt through the fabric. 

"I don’t understand, I don’t understand,” Joseph’s breath caught and he wheezed weakly again, “You asked me to do this to you and yet when you did this to me, I,” a pained noise crept from his throat as his shoulders shuddered, “was so scared, Jacob, I was terrified. I knew you wouldn’t hurt me, I know you won’t ever, but I was so scared. And you asked me to do something so horrid to you? Why?  _ Why _ ?”

Jacob reached up to caress his little brother’s face. Joseph froze, another painful whimper escaping. 

“I love you,” Joseph lifted his hands, “why would I want to hurt you?”

Before Joseph could pull back entirely, Jacob caught his wrists and dragged his hands back down. Joseph tugged, but he gave up when Jacob held him tight. 

“You aren’t hurting me. It’s different.”

“Why? Is this just another flaw within you? Was it bred from the same place as your sodomy? Or was it born from my influence?” 

“It’s just you, Joseph. You’re the only one I’d ever let do this.”

Joseph squeezed his eyes shut. He trembled under Jacob’s grip. 

“It’s me. It’s another sin I’ve planted in you. I’ve corrupted you so much without even knowing and I—”

“Joseph.”

Slowly, he looked at his older brother. Jacob stroked his bare wrist with his thumb.

“It’s okay.”

There was a lot more that he wanted to say. But he’d said it so many times that if hadn’t gotten through to Joseph yet, it never would. 

“Get on top of me. Please.”

Joseph shook his head, “I won’t hurt you.”

“You won’t. I just want you to touch me.”

“I am.”

“Joseph.”

“Then allow me to,” Joseph tried to pull himself free again.

“No. I’m going to prove to you that you’re not hurting me. I’ll prove to you that what I did to you and this is different.”

“The act is the same, it’s only how it is received that—”

“Joseph, I’m hard.”

Joseph stopped. He blinked, mouth still parted around an aborted word. 

“Sorry. Aroused. Erect. Joseph, please, it’s different.” 

“...And you’re in this state because of this?”

“From the moment you put your hands on my neck, yes. Please. It’s different. Completely different.”

“I see. No, I don’t. I don’t understand. This is certainly a degeneracy.” 

“It is.”

Joseph hesitated. He swallowed and slowly nodded. Clumsily, he threw his leg over his brother, failing the first time and kneeing Jacob’s thigh. When he pressed against his brother’s hard dick, his motions stuttered, disgust flickering across his face. 

“See?” 

“I don’t understand,” Joseph shook his head as he settled his weight onto his brother.

“I love you. That’s why. I gave you my life. You can do whatever you want with it,” he pulled Joseph’s hands down more, to the point where breathing was uncomfortable, “even throw it away.”

Joseph tried to jerk free again, “I won’t. I don’t want that. Stay by me, don’t leave me, never leave me. Stay by me forever please, I can’t—”

“I won’t leave you. I’m only saying. I’m just saying. It’s up to you. It’s all up to you.”

Jacob ground his hips up into his brother. On its own, the meager friction wouldn’t have done anything for him. But Joseph holding him down, his hands pressed down on his throat, it was enough that he couldn’t have held back his groan if he wanted to. Joseph finally started squeezing. Not enough to be satisfying though.

“Do you want to finish inside me like this? Will that ease your fears of hurting me?”

Jacob shook his head. “I want you to use me however you want. You can take me, cum inside me, I don’t mind.”

“I,” Joseph hesitated, “am unsure of what I want.”

“Then I want you inside me. Please,” Jacob ground into his brother again, breathing out a satisfied noise.

“Have you been thinking about this?”

“Yes. I’ve been trying not to. It isn’t fair to you when you’re relying on me.”

“That didn’t stop you before when you were hiding your lust for me.”

“I tried. But I’m weak.”

“You’re only human. Condemned to sin like the rest of us. Release me.”

Jacob let Joseph pull his hands away. He moved to stroke his younger brother’s thighs, his sweaty bandaged hands catching on the fabric. Joseph watched his motions with an unreadable expression as he pulled off his overshirt. 

“I wonder,” he said, undoing his shirt, “if I will ever feel as you and John do.”

“Do you want to?”

“I’m unsure. I don’t know.”

“You said you accepted it as love, but you still think it’s disgusting, don’t you?”

“You’ve said the same though. Even John, I feel that he has the same concept.”

“Don’t make excuses. Just answer me straight.”

Joseph paused, hands at his belt. “Yes. I still do. Can you truly blame me? Nothing will change the fact that we are brothers.”

“Of course I don’t blame you. It’s reasonable.” 

“When John says those things about being a woman, I don’t like it. It’s incorrect. I would never look at someone in our family like that.”

“John is John. Don’t allow him to bother you.”

Joseph sighed. He unzipped his pants only to stop again, watching Jacob’s face as if waiting. Jacob stared back. When his little brother still said nothing, Jacob pressed his fingers into Joseph’s legs, kneading into them.

“What is it?”

“I’ve been thinking as well. Also about things that I know I shouldn’t.”

“You have a right to think anything, Joseph. What was it? Are you willing to tell me?”

Joseph set his hands on his brother’s stomach. “After I slept with John, I started having dreams about,” he paused, “what we did. They weren’t from lust, I would wake up anxious and sick.”

Jacob squeezed his brother’s thighs tighter, “And you still wanted to sleep with me?”

“I wouldn’t let something as minor as a dream stop me. It wasn’t the Voice, it wasn’t God communing with me. It was only dreams.”

“Did I make it worse?”

Joseph shook his head. “Sometimes I dreamt about you after our time together. But when John tried to,” he paused again, “and then in that field, when I allowed you to, afterwards, the dreams changed. It would be the same circumstance, but our roles were reversed. And when I woke, I was still anxious and yet, I’d wake up,” he glanced aside, ashamed.

“Aroused.”

“More so. Lustful. I never gave in. I prayed to God and I asked Him why my body was betraying me in such a way. But He never answered. I asked for His forgiveness in allowing lust to creep into my being, but it still continued. And I believed when I finally gave in to you and John, when I finally knew what it was really like, the lust would be eradicated. But now,” he curled his fingers into Jacob’s shirt, “the dreams are you or John inside me, taking me, not memories, but new actions, new places being stained, even holy sacred places being defiled. My reservation upon waking is gone, now it’s only lust and it  _ hurts.  _ It burns me.” 

“Joseph—”

Jacob words caught in his throat as Joseph dragged his fingers across his older brother’s cheek, dragging them through the rough strands of his beard. 

“I can’t repent for this lust because the source is your and John’s love. I won’t condemn that as a sin. I can’t ask for forgiveness for our sodomy and fornication because repenting for a sin I know I’ll commit again is an even greater affront.” Joseph took a moment to take a deep breath. When he spoke again, his rough dry voice was sweet, “I’ve been waiting for you to touch me.”

“If you wanted me to, you would’ve said it. I know how you are.”

“It’d be wrong of me to. It’d be disrespectful to you. Because,” Joseph’s hand stopped, “I didn’t want to be touched by you. I only wanted to be touched.”

“Joseph, that isn’t disrespectful to me at all. I’ve already accepted that you won’t ever want me, but if the company of anyone will do, then take me. That’s already more than enough to make me happy.”

Joseph shook his head, “I don’t want to reduce you to a common whore.”

“I want to do this. I’ve told you it’s okay to come to me. That’s not reducing me to anything. It’s what I want.”

“Jacob, please try to understand my perspective.”

He squeezed his younger brother’s legs again. “Then try to understand mine. I didn’t have a right to do anything towards you.”

“No. You did. But now that I’ve taken it upon myself to start this, I need to take the responsibility of fulfilling both of our needs and wants.”

“I want to take care of you too.” 

“I know. That’s one of your needs. And that is why I brought this entire subject up. One of the thoughts plaguing me is,” Joseph brushed his thumb across his brother’s lips.

“I understand.”

“And you’re open to this? Surely an act like this is unpleasant. If you only did it that one time to expose me to it, then I understand if—”

“Joseph, I enjoy doing this. Especially for you.”

“How many men have you done this with?” Joseph pulled his dick out before putting his hands back on Jacob, edging his fingers under the hem of his brother’s shirt. 

“You shouldn’t ask questions that you don’t want the answer to.”

“I do want the answer. That’s why I asked.”

“Two. Three counting you.”

Joseph made a quiet noise of acknowledgement.

“I don’t know what that means,” Jacob said.

“You’re well aware I can’t say that I approve. And I don’t. But I am relieved. It is a much lower number than I was expecting.”

Jacob closed his eyes. It was stupid that an admission like that stung so badly. He knew that Joseph would think that, but hearing him outright say that he thought his older brother was a slut felt like he’d been stabbed and gouged. But he didn’t have a right to be angry. He took a deep breath, pulling his hands from Joseph’s legs to grab fistfuls of the bedsheets.

“You don’t have to believe me,” Jacob said, careful to not let anything into his tone, “but I’ve only ever slept with four people, including you.”

“Jacob, I didn’t mean to—”

“You say that you don’t want to think of me as a whore. And I’m sure that you don’t think of  _ me  _ as one, but,” Jacob paused the moment his words started to shake, “you think that it’s inevitable for what I am.” 

“Jacob—”

“I’m not complaining. You still let me stay by you. I have no right to complain,” Jacob opened his eyes, but the moment he saw Joseph’s guilty expression, he glanced aside. His grip slackened. He returned his hands to his brother’s legs, tugging him forward, “As long as you let me stay by you, use me however you want. That’s what I meant.”

“Jacob, I’m sorry.” 

The rasp grew tenfold, but it didn’t hide the heavy sincerity in Joseph’s words. 

“Don’t bother. Come closer. You can put your weight on my chest, it’s fine.”

“No, we shouldn’t—”

“Dammit, Joseph!” Jacob sat up, well, as much as he could with Joseph on him, which really wasn’t much. Whatever he was about to snarl next vanished the moment Joseph struck his face. 

It wasn’t hard. Not enough to make his ears ring. It was enough to hurt, though not to the degree that Jacob would acknowledge it as real pain. 

“Don’t you _dare_ speak to me like that,” Joseph’s steady quiet voice carried his intensity far better than it had any right to. He looked down on Jacob without any kindness or regret, only cold objective judgement.  “I am showing you kindness, and you repay me by interrupting me and with childish tantrums. You should be grateful that I am a merciful prophet. For time and time again, you commit actions that any other in my position would toss you to the dogs for. Choosing a perverse path, your incestual feelings, assaulting me, _disrespecting_ me, these are all crimes that I have forgiven or overlooked. And only ask for simple things in return. Your happiness and your gratitude. Is this not clear? Have I not made this obvious? How explicitly must I say it?”  
Jacob didn’t say anything in response. He stared back. Joseph frowned. His eyes narrowed.

“I don’t understand you.”

Joseph watched Jacob. But he refused to give his little brother any response. Ego perverted by religious fervor was impossible to reason with, especially concerning Joseph. 

Sighing, Joseph shook his head. “I don’t understand you. If you won’t protest, then I’ll use you how I want then, just as you asked.” 

“Thank you.”

“Why are you thanking me? No, you don’t understand either. Fine. I still trust that you’ll guide me in this.”

“I will.”

Joseph nodded. Despite his haughtiness, he hesitated before awkwardly straddling his brother’s chest, his knees forcing his older brother’s arms up. He set his hands on his thighs, nervously clawing at the fabric.

“I’m only doing this because I love you, as my brother,” Joseph said, his determination from before audibly wavering, “Because you say that this is the way to make you happy. It’s for the sake of your soul and your happiness and your well-being. It’s because I love you.”

When Joseph didn’t move any further, Jacob took it upon himself to wrap his fingers around his brother’s dick, which was a lot clumsier than it should’ve been due to Joseph’s knees getting in the way. Joseph didn’t notice. Probably because he’d squeezed his eyes shut. It didn’t make much sense why he’d asked to do this if it made him so anxious. Jacob wasn’t about to question it. The last thing he wanted was to anger Joseph again. The threat of being hit again wasn’t so bad. Letting Joseph down was the bigger worry. 

Jacob pressed his lips to his brother’s head. Joseph’s chest heaved, but that was the only acknowledgement he received.

“Joseph, please pay attention.”

“I am,” Joseph said through his gritted teeth.

“I want you to look at me and talk to me.” He finally opened his eyes. Sighing, he slid a hand to Jacob’s wrist, resting his fingers on his brother’s rough skin. “Okay. I will hold you accountable. Go ahead.”

Despite the pause and even though Jacob hadn’t really done much, Joseph was already half-hard. At least that was proof he was slowly growing comfortable with being intimate. Saying that he’d ever be without any reservation would still be too optimistic, unfortunately. Jacob guided the tip into his mouth, gently circling his tongue around it. It tasted clean, well, as far as dicks went. Maybe Joseph made sure to clean himself in preparation for this. Jacob hoped not. That wasn’t something he deserved. 

Joseph let out a shuddering breath. He brushed against the side of Jacob’s face. “I hate seeing you like this.”

Jacob took him further into his mouth, gently sucking around his brother in response. The rough and high groan he earned soothed the ache from Joseph’s words.

“Knowing you were,” Joseph dug his fingers into his brother’s arm, “ _ used  _ by sinners in this way, it sickens me.”

Usually Jacob would put his other hand to use, but their awkward position prevented that. Instead he grabbed his little brother’s hip and pulled. His strength alone wasn’t enough to move Joseph, but he understood, leaning his body forward, deeper into his big brother’s mouth. He gasped, dry and weak. His hand along Jacob’s face slipped lower to get a grip. If it were anyone else, a thumb pressing in so close to his eye would’ve made Jacob nervous, to put it lightly, but if Joseph blinded him, he honestly wouldn’t mind. 

“They didn’t love you, they only viewed you as an object, as meat, but  _ I  _ don’t. I don’t,” he shuddered, thrusting shallowly into his brother’s mouth, “I don’t,  _ I don’t _ , I promise I don’t. I’m using you, but I respect you, I love you, it’s not the same, I’m not the same, I’m not, I,” Joseph bit back a whine. His humping grew rough, but not in an even way that Jacob could get used to. He’d shove himself deep, filling his brother’s mouth, then pull back, barely sliding himself between his lips. Another high noise slid out as Joseph abruptly stopped. “Jacob stop. Stop, stop. That’s enough.”

Jacob let Joseph pull away. He swallowed down the bitter pre-cum without thinking. Joseph didn’t seem to notice. He was too busy catching his breath as he shakily fumbled with Jacob’s pants. After wiping his mouth, Jacob reached down to help him.

“I didn’t mind. I mean it. That wasn’t much, if you want to keep going, I really don’t mind.”

“Not much to  _ your  _ standards,” Joseph snapped. Jacob yanked his hands back, caught off guard by the sudden venom in his brother’s tone. Even Joseph seemed surprised. He glanced aside guiltily. “That was uncalled for. My apologies.” 

“It’s fine.”

“No, I,” he caught himself, “Okay. It’s forgotten then.”

Joseph finally managed to yank down his brother’s clothing, awkwardly adjusting his own position to tug them entirely off. Jacob started to pull off his fatigues, but he stopped.

“You know, you shouldn’t worry about being like that. Like them and me. Because you aren’t. And that’s not something that can change. You just aren’t.”

“You don’t understand the ramifications.”

“Fine. I don’t. But at least believe me when I say that you’re right. They didn’t love me. They didn’t worry. They didn’t care. But you put so much effort in for me, though you don’t need to, even though I tell you otherwise, you still do what you think is best for me. You can tell me that I’m wrong. Tell me that you know better. But I think that matters, even if only a little.”

Joseph paused. The way he looked, as hurtful as it was to name, there was no mistaking it for anything other than disgust. 

“I don’t understand you.”

“Tell me how I can make myself clearer then.”

“No, I’m not making myself clear. The reality of the situation isn’t clear. Not to you. Jacob, that fact that I would think, even for a moment, about using you strictly for my own pleasure, I don’t understand how you can accept that. And the fact that I, despite knowing this, still used you. Don’t you understand that?”

“You love me, Joseph. It’s okay.”

“I don’t. Not in the way where this would be acceptable, not in the way that a lover would. I’m not expressing my love for you, I’m doing this to relieve my lust. I’m repeating a sin so I don’t commit another and I’m using you for it. And you’re fine with this?”

“I already told you, I am. I’m more than fine with it.”

Joseph shook his head, “I don’t understand you.”

“Then think of it this way. When you have sex with me, I’m still expressing my love to you. You seem to think that this time is any worse than the others because you’re not doing it strictly only for us. But it isn’t. When you kissed me, I was happy. I was so happy I couldn’t believe it. That’s why I argued. Because I didn’t believe that I could be so blessed by you. That I could be so lucky. You’re still doing this for me. By approaching me and asking and coming to me, trusting me enough to relieve you, that’s more so for me. Isn’t that clear? Don’t tell me I don’t know what I’m saying. You’re the Father, you’re the holy one, but  _ I  _ am your older brother. Respect that enough to at least believe this.”

Joseph hesitated. His shoulders sagged as he sighed.

“I love you, Joseph. I really truly do. For so much you throw around that word, ‘understand,’ I wish you’d make more of an attempt to understand that.”

“I haven’t done enough?”

“You’ve already done than enough. But by putting forth the effort, no, it’s not.”

“I don’t understand.”

Jacob finally pulled off his fatigues, and his shirt quickly followed. He considered elaborating, but he really wasn’t sure how to. The whole concept was based off of his own selfishness. Justifying it at all would cowardly. Just mentioning it was already unfair and manipulative, doing any further would be cruel. 

“You remember what to do?”

“Yes. And after having experienced it first hand, I believe I’ve become well-acquainted.” Joseph reached over his brother, next to where he’d set his glasses, and returned with an even sketchier looking bottle than the lubricant Jacob had used. It was worn, the plastic was cloudy, and the liquid inside was a distressing off-yellow. Joseph noticed him eyeing it.

“I found this here. I’m not sure what it is, but it feels the same as what we’ve been using. I left on for a while and it didn’t have any negative effects. I’m certain it’ll be fine.”

“I’m sure I’ve used worse.”

“Yes. I trust that. I trust you,” Joseph nodded. Just as Jacob had taught him, he poured an ample amount onto his hand and slicked his fingers up well. He glanced to Jacob, clearly seeking permission or reassurance. Only for a moment though. Before Jacob could say anything, he looked back down, pressing a finger against his brother. 

“Joseph, wait.”

He froze, the air of confidence immediately giving way. 

“You’re doing fine. There’s nothing wrong. But if it’s alright, I’d like for you to relax me more.”

“You’re nervous?” 

Joseph’s sincerely worried tone made Jacob laugh. He honestly preferred this side of Joseph. Not the Joseph who was always caught up in sins and morality, not the one that needed to justify everything or condemned basic aspects of being a man, but the Joseph he only saw pieces of, the man that existed before all this Eden nonsense. Maybe not. Maybe the bits of normalcy that leaked through were from a Joseph that could only exist in a world without either the voice of God or a crippling mental illness. 

“Jacob, please answer me.”

“No. I’m not nervous.”

“Oh. I see. I’m relieved,” he smiled half-heartedly. Joseph pressed closer. He didn’t seem bothered by how his cock pressed against his brother’s, but Jacob couldn’t ignore it. Caught off-guard, he let out another shameful groan. Joseph pressed his mouth to his brother’s, swallowing the noise and the one that followed. His lubed-up hand remained at Jacob’s ass, mindlessly rubbing circles. When Joseph’s other hand snuck up to his throat, Jacob jerked up, sliding his dick against his brother’s and lamely smacking against his hot sweaty flesh. He pushed his neck into Joseph’s hand, fully aware of his own pathetic desperate whimpers, but not caring. Joseph understood. He dug his thumb in through the rough hairs to his brother’s larynx. It didn’t inhibit his breathing, only causing a slight uncomfortable ache. Jacob wrapped his arms around his brother, tugging him closer.

Joseph stopped. He pulled away. His grip slackened. 

“That isn’t what you said you wanted,” he said, tone unreadable. 

“Joseph, please.”

“No, Jacob. I’m respecting your exact words. Keep your hands up, by your head. Don’t move them.”

Jacob didn’t hesitate. The simple order made his dick harder than he thought he was capable of at his age. 

“Thank you, Joseph. Please. Thank you. God, thank—”

“Jacob!” Joseph snarled, nearly sounding normal, if a bit rough. He coughed once, weakly, and cleared his throat. When he spoke again, his voice was still audibly damaged. “Don’t use His name in vain. Especially not here.”

“I’m sorry. You should,” Jacob swallowed, “punish me for that. Breaking one of His commandments, I need penance.”

Joseph huffed. “I don’t understand why you and John have this fascination with bringing penance into this debauchery. It is a holy act, it has no place here. But I understand what you’re truly asking for,” he squeezed Jacob’s throat, putting weight behind his grip. 

The urge to struggle rose up. Jacob shoved it down. That fighting his natural survival instinct was arousing probably said some certain things. Certain things that he didn’t bother dwelling on. Not when Joseph’s hand squeezed tighter as he smothered his big brother with clumsy immature kisses. Jacob tried to reciprocate, tried to lead Joseph by example. He did appreciate that Joseph would calm down, reel himself in, and follow along with Jacob. That his focus would quickly deteriorate was a different matter. Hopefully that meant he was at least getting more comfortable. 

Joseph finally pushed a finger into his brother. It didn’t even feel like a moment had passed when he shoved in another two. The sudden roughness did sting, especially when his nails caught. Jacob hoped that he’d remember to tell Joseph about the value of thorough grooming and trimming. He couldn’t exactly focus on that as Joseph spread his fingers, pressing and dragging them in a clumsy confused way. Nothing like how he’d done it their first time before Jacob instructed him, the way he’d presumably touched his wife. That thing about his wife, it was an odd thought to latch onto. Jacob pushed his neck further against his brother’s hand. He’d explicitly told Joseph that fingering a man was indeed different than a woman. Getting offended over Joseph actually heeding his words was immature foolishness. He was a brat for even thinking it. 

It genuinely did hurt when Joseph ripped his fingers out. Jacob wasn’t about to complain though. Even if Joseph decided to fuck him with a rusty bread knife, he wouldn’t mind as long as he knew Joseph wouldn’t do the same to John, or worse, permit John to do that to him. 

“Am I allowed to?” Joseph asked, voice huskier than it’d been all night. 

“Always.”

“But you already delayed me.”

Jacob swallowed, an uncomfortable awkward motion. Joseph understood, relaxing his hold to let him speak.

“Asked you to. I didn’t force you.”

Joseph started to say something, certainly a protest. He stopped. For some reason, he seemed confused. Lost. The urge to reach out and comfort Joseph was far more overwhelming than the instinct to fight the hand around his neck. He must’ve worn that desire openly since Joseph covered his uncertainty with a stoic flat expression. It wasn’t convincing, even less so when he winced as he finally pressed his dick against his older brother. Not a wince of pain, more a flicker of something conflicted. He didn’t push enough to get through at first, then shoved far too forcefully. The way his hand tightened painfully around Jacob’s throat was certainly less him playing along to his brother’s degeneracy and more out of instinct. In his haste, he might’ve caused himself just as much pain as he caused his older brother. That first thrust couldn’t be described as smooth in any regard and the way Joseph gasped, his eyes squeezed closed tight, could go either way in terms of pleasure or pain, or both. 

Following along some stupid fantasy wasn’t worth seeing his dear brother in distress. Jacob brought his hands up to Joseph’s face, brushing aside his hair, dragging his fingers along his brother’s cheek down into his beard. That conflicted expression returned. Joseph smiled, but it did little to cover it up. He squeezed harder, cutting off Jacob’s airflow. His nails dug in, cutting through the thin skin. Joseph shifted his grip into a less awkward claw, into a grip that testified to his practiced ease when it came to strangling people. 

“Down,” Joseph murmured. 

Jacob slid his hands down, returning them to his side. Joseph rewarded him with a gentle thrust, sending a nice much-needed wave of heat through his brother through the ache and stinging. Jacob let out a moan to encourage him, but it came out as a nasty choked grunt. Joseph didn’t seem concerned by that. He rutted into his brother, growing harsher and sloppier with each shove. Whatever semblance of rhythm was there quickly fell apart.

The burn in his trachea and lungs hit Jacob all at once. The cold rush of static followed quickly, numbing a good chunk of sensation. The pain spiking down his back fuzzed over. The pleasure blurred, the heat spreading thin into warmth. The cold buzzing numbness threatened to overwhelm the scraps of everything else. Jacob’s eyes stung with pressure, almost like a migraine, and as things started to blacken, he closed them. Even the pain and uncomfortableness clouded over, leaving something that was… Nice. More than nice. A stupid blissful euphoria that wasn't there moments before and suddenly was everywhere. No more guilt, loathing, emptiness or ennui. Just a lightness. He was right all along, getting killed by Joseph was  _ amazing.  _

Everything returned in a painful overwhelming flash of sensation the moment Joseph released him. The first gulps of air burned more than the lack of it. They turned into ugly dry wheezes. Joseph stopped moving. That was only half as frustrating as not dying. 

“Down,” Joseph said again. His warm voice, steady, if out of breath, cut clear through any remaining haze. But it didn’t make sense. Until Jacob felt a newer raw ache through his palms and realized he’d grabbed Joseph’s forearm, both hands wrapped tight around him, undoubtedly hard enough to hurt him, probably enough to leave marks. It’d be easy to excuse it as instinct, that he’d impulsively tried to pry Joseph off for survival’s sake. But he wasn’t that far gone. He’d grabbed Joseph after he let go. 

Jacob pulled one hand away, dropping it back down. The other, he gently stroked along his little brother’s arm, like how he used to when they were kids and Joseph’s dumb ass got himself into another stupid fight or their roughhousing went too far. Joseph probably didn’t make that connection. Maybe he didn’t even remember that. 

“Are you okay?” Joseph asked softly, "Did I hurt you?"

Jacob swallowed. It felt tight and awkward, uncomfortable maybe, but not painful yet. "Keep going."

His words came out surprisingly normal. Joseph knew what he was doing though and he hadn't choked his older brother anywhere as hard as Jacob had strangled him.

"Are you finished with this insanity? Is your desire to be punished by me fulfilled?"

"No. Do it again. Longer. Please."

Joseph shook his head in open disgust. He slid his hand up from Jacob's throat, ignoring how Jacob tried to pull him back down, and caressed his brother’s face. His thrusts started again, shallow and uneven. Jacob groaned, pitchy and rough. Joseph kissed him before another could escape. They were both desperate and sloppy, wet noises filling the room alongside their heavy breaths and skin hitting skin. Joseph pulled away. His hand returned to Jacob’s neck.

“I love you,” he said.

Jacob nodded. He closed his eyes, preparing for that rush again. 

“You trust me.”

He nodded again.

“Your hand, Jacob.”

Joseph stroked his thumb over his brother’s jugular. Jacob dropped his hand back down. He wanted Joseph to start quickly so he didn’t have to hear his own pathetic voice. If Joseph were louder, it’d be fine. It wasn’t his fault though. Even the little noises he did make were probably painful.

Finally, his little brother started choking him. Jacob exhaled his contentment, well, as much as he could with Joseph’s dick shoving in and out of him. It was more a series of gasps, the last cut off when Joseph squeezed harder than before. Something in Jacob’s neck popped. The intense arousal it dragged out was just as concerning. Joseph didn’t seem to notice. His pace didn’t change, his grip didn’t loosen. The few noises that he did let slip were high near-whimpers. That was good. The last threads of tension left Jacob’s body. The most important thing was that Joseph was enjoying himself despite indulging his despicable big brother.

The blankness came quicker than before. It grew heavier too. All he could really feel through it was just how wonderful Joseph was. It wasn’t only the hot spikes of pleasure that reached further than ever before, deeper and more intense than any sex he’d had before. Being with his sweet precious Joseph was already better than anyone else. The heavy weight of Joseph’s body, the feverish heat of his skin, the rush of his blood under it and the constant movement of his muscles, even just the satisfaction of being with him, of Jacob’s overbearing love being answered and tended to, every facet relating to Joseph was amplified to a degree that should’ve been painful. 

Joseph really was wonderful. Kind, moral, strong enough to bear the weight of all their sins. Even if he was crazy, even if he was downright batshit insane, Joseph was still a better person than anyone else. He was perfect even with his flaws. No, his flaws were part of why he was perfect. Without any, he would be less perfect. It was only through struggle that his strength shone. All he needed to do was love his brothers back. And he was trying to hard to understand in his own way. Yes, he was perfect. Truly perfect. Joseph really was perfect. 

Thinking beyond that was impossible. Staying on that track was hard enough, and growing more difficult by the moment. It was too easy to stop thinking and just focus on how he felt. But it was Joseph causing that. Clinging onto that fact heightened the rapture. It peaked, vibrant and loud and all-consuming. 

Dying really was underrated. 

The return was much slower than the last. The first feeling to come back was the raw ache through his whole body, like a nasty flu, and a pounding headache. The hands shaking him didn’t help. Next was Joseph’s sweet voice, calling his name in a panic. Jacob sighed. If that was how the Bliss felt to a regular person, no wonder people swarmed to Faith in droves. He’d lose himself in it like a common Angel too. The gross stickiness dripping from his ass and his own semen drying on his stomach rose up through the stupor. Some time must have passed. He wasn’t sure how much he’d lost. 

“Did you enjoy yourself?” he muttered, cutting off Joseph’s alarm. Speaking was uncomfortable. A weaker person would say it hurt. 

“No! I—”

“You didn’t enjoy that?” Jacob swallowed, cleared his throat to try and smooth down the hint of grit in his voice, “You came.”

“In the moment, but—”

“So you enjoyed it.”

“Jacob!” Joseph snapped, a hint of a crack as his tone peaked, and pounded an open hand onto his brother’s shoulder, “Stop this, I hurt you, I thought you wouldn’t come back, don’t you understand?” 

“I did. I’m fine.”

He shook his head, “I won’t do this again, I  _ will not.  _ I’ll do anything else you want me to,  _ anything else _ , but I won’t do this.”

“You’re overreacting. I’m fine. I liked this. You did well, you did so well. You didn’t hurt me at all.”

“Stop it. Be quiet. I won’t. Never ask me to do this again.”

“Joseph,” Jacob took his little brother’s face in both hands, “I’m fine.”

“No, stop. You don’t understand. You weren’t answering me. It was like,” Joseph stopped. He dug his fingers into Jacob’s skin. He didn’t need to finish his sentence for Jacob to understand. His little brother’s visions that he held in such high regard.

“The Voice didn’t mean this.”

“I know that,” Joseph snapped again, “but you  _ promised  _ you’d always answer me. Are you trying to leave me? Is that it? This is your way of finding a loophole in my words?”

“Joseph, no—”

“I don’t care. I do not care. I have made myself clear,” Joseph sat up and moved off of his brother to the bedside. “Not again. Never again.”

Jacob pushed himself up. The sudden movement dragged a wave of nausea up into his skull. He failed to suppress his wince. 

“Are you okay? Do you need attention?” 

The worry in Joseph’s voice was worse than the nausea.

“I told you, I’m fine. If you get someone, what would you tell them? There’s no way to explain this. You shouldn’t risk letting anyone know about us.”

“It’s not their place to question me. No one will suspect me of anything. But no matter what, I can’t risk losing you. I need to know if you’re okay.”

“Yes. I am. I promise. I,” Jacob sighed. It turned into a breathy cough. “I won’t ask you to do that again.”

“Thank you.”

“But you enjoyed yourself, right? Did it feel good to use me? Did I do well?”

Joseph glanced away, ashamed. “You already reached a conclusion.”

“That doesn’t mean anything. It’s just physiological. Tell me. Be honest.”

“Yes. I did,” he looked back to his brother, “And that only makes me feel worse. That I enjoyed myself so thoroughly despite risking you, I feel selfish and disgusting even though you asked me to.”

“We won’t do that again. I promise.”

Joseph breathed out a raspy sigh of relief. He still looked guilty. “Is that disappointing?”

“Knowing that I could satisfy you makes me happy enough.” 

Joseph nodded. He set his hand onto his big brother’s. “You were satisfying. More than satisfying.”

“Good. That’s all that matters to me. And what you said about doing anything else, did you mean that?”

“I said so. To do otherwise would be a lie.”

“Then next time you have the urge to sleep with someone, please come to me.” 

Joseph pulled his hand away. “I understand.” He stood. “Allow me to take responsibility for this.”

“I can’t take responsibility either?”

“Yes, you can. But what I mean is that you rest and I’ll clean this up. I initiated, so it’s my responsibility.”

Joseph’s seriousness was ridiculous enough that Jacob shook his head, laughing under his breath. It hurt, but he ignored it. 

“That’s not how it works. It’s equal, Joseph.”

“I see. You’re right. I wouldn’t know what to do anyways. John brought me ice, should I do the same for you? What about water?”

“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. I mean it.”

Joseph nodded, still dire. “You should be the one to wash first. Wearing that evidence, having it inside you, it isn’t comfortable.”

“Evidence? Like a crime?” Jacob nearly laughed again.

“Yes,” Joseph replied, dead serious, “You joke, but it applies in many ways.”

“Okay. I’m fine. Don’t worry about it. It’s okay if it’s you, isn’t that what John always says?”

“Unfortunately.”

“Why don’t we shower together? I would like that.”

“Ah,” Joseph glanced aside again, “May we postpone that? I,” he paused, “would like some time to myself.”

“Of course. I understand. Go ahead. I promise, I’m fine. If that changes, I’ll get your attention somehow. Alright? Don’t worry about me. Take all the time you need.”

Joseph met his eyes. He smiled, slight, but sincere. “Thank you. I really do appreciate it.”

“There’s no need to thank me.”

“No, there is. I love you. I really, truly do.”

“Yes. I love you too,”  Jacob paused, taking a deep breath to focus on keeping his cadence flat, “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

“I will continue to forgive you.” 

Joseph turned away. He left, sparing a look back when he crossed the doorframe, seemingly just a motion since his gaze didn’t land on his brother. As soon as he was gone, Jacob slid his legs over the bedside. The night air was colder than he expected. Not enough to be a real bother though. Jacob sighed. He looked at his hands, red sneaking through the bandages. It was stupid of him to think that something so simple would stop him from hurting Joseph. 

He tugged roughly at the wrapping on his left hand, messily yanking it off. The ugly gash had only started to coagulate. Before he could think of a worse thing to do, he dug his nails into it, clawing his fingers with the stupid childish hope they’d curl under the skin and peel it away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i honestly can't gauge the quality on my stuff so i just try my best and throw it out there but people are still reading so i hope the quality of these chaps are more or less the same?? idk bruh 
> 
> anyways obligatory warning i did last time, dont fuckin do this shit, this is how you david carradine yourself. we're not even at the netorare chapter yet lmao
> 
> the whole time writing this i kept getting flashbacks to this chick in my highschool, do all highschools have a chick who shows up with a bruised neck and everyone thinks she's getting abused but when you ask her about it, she starts preaching about the joys of autoerotic asphyxiation or did I just attend a really degenerate school 
> 
> next on incest adventures: a valiant effort is made to one-up the vomit eating scene


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merry christmas everyone

Waking up restrained didn’t exactly promote coherent analytical thought. Primal instinct told Jacob to struggle with all his might, but his training and experience taught him better. It wasn’t clear where he was, it wasn’t clear what had happened, it wasn’t clear what—

The restraints moved. They weren’t restraints. They were arms, his brother’s arms to be exact, his brother who started gently stroking Jacob’s side, pressing gentle kisses into his shoulder. 

“You are safe,” Joseph murmured into his skin, “Breathe easy. Be at ease. You’re with me. You’re safe.”

His words did wonders. The haze of panic quickly dissipated. Jacob sighed, his stress flowing out as he exhaled. 

“Did I wake you?” he asked. His voice wasn’t bad. Audibly sore, but that was about it. 

“No,” Joseph pulled him back into a hug, his chest to his older brother’s back, “I’ve been awake.” 

“You didn’t need to stay.”

“I’m aware. But I wanted to.” 

“Why?”

“It’s not your place to question me,” Joseph said softly. He nuzzled the nape of his brother’s neck, “Waking up alone has been one of the most painful things over these years.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize. There is no call for it.” 

“Okay.” 

Joseph hummed contentedly. His fingers dragged over Jacob’s muscles, pressing into the grooves. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine. No, good. I’m feeling good. I’m,” he paused, “happy.” 

Joseph nodded against him. “Does it hurt?”

“No.”

“Lying is a sin.”

“It doesn’t, Joseph. My throat’s a little sore, that’s it.”

“I’m relieved. Then,” Joseph kissed his neck, pressing his body further against his brother’s, “if it’s okay with you.”

Jacob could feel that Joseph wasn’t hard, but he wasn’t entirely flaccid either. He laughed and sighed at the same time, shaking his head. 

“I’m getting old. I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep up with you.”

“You’re not that much older than me,” Joseph pulled away, “I understand though. I’m sorry, I’m allowing my lust to get a hold of me again.”

“No, don’t say that. I told you to come to me. I’m not that old yet anyways. Should take advantage while we can, right?”

“I’m not sure what stance I should take on that. I feel that I should disapprove.” 

“But you don’t,” Jacob pushed himself up with an elbow and reached toward the bedside table for Joseph’s questionable lube. Closing his hand around it sent a dull sting through his palm. Right. But Joseph asked. It was clear consent. “Don’t think about it beyond that. Here. You don’t need to be thorough.”

Joseph didn’t take it. He ran his hand over Jacob’s chest. “I would prefer it if you prepared me.” 

“You want that?”

“Do you really believe that I’d ask if I didn’t?”

“You wouldn’t. Right. Okay, turn over. Let me take care of you.” 

Jacob waited as Joseph pulled his arms away, shuffling and moving onto his other side. He looked over his shoulder, watching Jacob. That there wasn’t any fear in his expression did put Jacob further at ease.  Then the way his breathing grew heavy wasn’t out of panic. It felt wrong to ponder it any further, especially when Joseph reached behind him, setting his fingers on his older brother’s side. 

“You don’t need to,” Joseph said softly, “I understand.” 

“No, I want to,” Jacob flipped over, draping an arm onto Joseph. He tugged his little brother closer, pressing his nose against his scalp and breathing in deep. Even though he’d spent weeks constantly at his side and the night with him, Joseph’s natural odor still hit like a high. Jacob sighed contentedly. 

“Tell me how you feel,” Joseph set a hand over Jacob’s on his chest. His palm already felt warm from the fresh wound being stretched. Joseph's touch made it hotter, casting the ache aside as an afterthought. 

“Happy. So good. I love you. I love you so much.”

“Hearing those words, it makes me happy as well.”

“Not always. You used to look sick everytime I said it.”

“Yes, well, hearing them from  _ you  _ is different,” Joseph stroked his hand over Jacob’s wrist to his fingers, “Only recently have I been able to overlook that aspect.”

Jacob swallowed. Joseph’s presence, his heat and smell, it suddenly wasn’t so comforting. He started to pull his hand back, but Joseph interlocked their fingers and held him still.

“I’m sorry,” Jacob muttered into his little brother’s hair.

“I know. I forgive you. I’ll always forgive you. But you should stop apologizing.”

“It’s wrong, so I won’t.”

“You misunderstand. You should only ask for forgiveness when you’re willing to change. Apologizing when you’ll just do it again, that’s a lie of sorts.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Jacob,” Joseph sighed.

“No, I’m saying sorry for saying sorry. Won’t happen again. Not until I can mean it.”

“Will a time like that come?”

“Do you hope that it will?”

Joseph paused. He stroked his thumb over his brother’s skin. “I don’t know.”

“Are you trying to make me hopeful?”

He shook his head. “If there was a way to undo everything, to go back to before I knew how you and John felt, I selfishly would. But we can’t go back. I don’t know how we could ever go back to how we were. I don’t know how that’d be like.”

“How is that selfish?”

“Because you and John would still be suffering. If I didn’t intervene, then you and he might be pushed further along that path. I want to say that I now know you wouldn’t do anything drastic, anything regrettable or vile, but I still fear you would. I’m sorry. Please don’t hold that against me.”

“I don’t. If it’s what you believe then I don’t expect you to make an exception for us.”

“Thank you. It still sounds so regrettable, doesn’t it?”

“No. It’s how it should be,” Jacob finally pulled his hand from his little brother. Joseph’s words were hurtful, but as usual, it’d be wrong to hold anything against him. He focused on slicking his fingers up thoroughly, blindly setting the bottle aside and missing the table entirely. Joseph glanced over his shoulder again.

“Are you okay? You don’t need to hide how you really feel. Please, I want you to be happy.”

“I’m fine. I am happy. Are you ready?”

“Jacob,” Joseph sighed, “Yes. Go ahead.”

He looked ahead, breathing out and visibly relaxing. At least that was affirming. Jacob set a hand on Joseph’s thigh, adjusting his leg forward a bit, making it easier to slide his other fingers along his brother's ass. Joseph breathed out. The hint of a contented hum flowed with the exhale. 

"Jacob," he called out sweetly.

"Yes? What?"

"No, it's," Joseph stopped, breathily laughing, "that's what you told me to do. You said you wanted me to say your name more."

"Right," Jacob gently pressed a finger into his brother. The chest-deep groan he earned was definitely one of the best things to wake up to. Joseph reached back. His hand settled on Jacob's wrist, only resting there. 

"I haven't been keeping my word about that. Last night I was… preoccupied."

"I'm sorry."

Joseph's grip tightened. "What did I tell you about apologizing?"

"I'm sorry for scaring you. And for asking you to do that in the first place. Won't happen again, okay? So I'm sorry about it. I really am."

A moment passed without a response. Finally, Joseph moved, shuffling back against his brother til their skin pressed together. It was a bit awkward to keep fingering him, but Jacob made the effort to slide another finger in. Another contented noise from Joseph helped ease the growing anxiety from his little brother's wordlessness. 

"I forgive you," Joseph murmured.

"Thank you."

"I want to apologize too."

"For what?"

"Every day we've been together, every morning, it should have been spent like this.”

“How is that your fault?”

“Because,” Joseph paused to groan again, a bit higher than before. He squeezed Jacob’s wrist again. “I should have spoke up. I knew what was right, but I stayed quiet.”

“You spoke up now. We’ll fix it. Tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that—”

“Jacob.” 

Joseph’s tone was different from before. Firmer and flat, like they weren’t in the middle of intimacy.

“What?”

“This is a subject that we should discuss later. For now, I want to enjoy this. Enjoy you.”

“Yes. Me too.” 

“I’m ready now. Please.”

Jacob nodded, though there was no way Joseph could see. His hand was still coated enough to quickly run over his dick. He lined himself up with his brother. It wouldn’t have been difficult to hold back his own breathy moan, but he didn’t need to force it out or play it up either. Maybe Joseph thought it was disgusting. Maybe he took it as encouraging. But if Jacob were in his position, he’d want all the reassurance he could get from Joseph. 

“I’m surprised you like this,” he muttered.

“Do you not?” Joseph answered, out of breath and hushed. 

“No, I do. I like it quite a bit. Okay,” Jacob finally started pushing himself into his brother. It was hard at first. Joseph tensed up tight enough to snap the moment Jacob put any pressure. His hand darted to Jacob’s still on his leg. But he quickly relaxed, breathing out and digging his fingers between his older brother’s, clasping his hand tight. He stopped midway in, slowly sliding back out. Joseph’s noises grew higher. They were obviously a bit exaggerated, but Jacob didn’t really care. Joseph was making the effort. And he’d asked for this after all. He clearly enjoyed it, he was just expressing it in his own way. Jacob had done the same only moments ago anyways. He wasn’t sure why he was caught up on it or why he felt the need to justify how his little brother’s fake moans made his chest feel so warm and bright. 

“How do I feel?” Jacob said so he’d stop thinking about it. It came out rushed.

“Good. Wonderful. Tell me how you feel.”

“I love you,” Jacob started to push back in, further than before,  “I love you so much.”

Joseph hummed happily. He squeezed Jacob’s hand again. “Yes. You love me, I’m loved.”

“I’ll always love you. Even if you weren’t my brother, I’d love you.”

“No,” his grip slackened.

“Sorry, I,” Jacob swallowed, taking a deep breath to steady his voice as he bottomed out in his brother. “I love you. Through everything, no matter what, I’ll love you. Is that better?”

Joseph’s fingers tightened around Jacob’s hand again, “Much.”

“You deserve to be loved,” Jacob began to gently fuck him in earnest, knocking more of those wonderful exaggerated groans and whimpers from him. He clumsily pressed his lips against Joseph’s scalp and neck, down to his shoulders. Those received a more genuine reaction. Joseph would chortle, quiet and short, or he’d breathe out for an especially long time or deeply inhale, his breath shuddering. Maybe those real reactions would be more intense if Jacob put more of his strength behind his thrusts like before, if he weren’t so leisurely. But Jacob was comfortable with their relaxed pace. More than comfortable. The only way he’d hurry up was if Joseph told him. Joseph seemed perfectly content too though. 

Jacob wormed his free arm under Joseph’s side. Joseph laughed softly, pushing himself up with an elbow so Jacob could bring his hand up to his little brother’s chest, pulling him even closer. He stroked the sweaty skin, teasing the scars with his nails. He slid his other hand from Joseph’s to his little brother’s erection. Precum already dripped from the head. That was a bit flattering. Jacob had hardly done anything and Joseph was already so close.

“This isn’t,” Joseph gasped as Jacob wrapped his fingers around his dick. Before he could recover his words, Jacob began to move. 

“Does it feel good?”

Joseph nodded, his messy long hair rubbing into Jacob’s face. 

“Then enjoy it.”

As much as he wanted to spend hours languidly making love to his little brother, running his hands over every groove and hill of Joseph’s body, tracing every scar and inked line with his fingers, Jacob knew that wasn’t reasonable. Especially when Joseph started grinding back against him. The way he groaned out his older brother's name encouraged Jacob into pushing harder into him. Joseph pressed himself to Jacob’s chest, squeezing his brother’s fingers as he finished into his other hand. Jacob kissed along Joseph’s neck as he shuddered, gasping around each shaking breath. He wiped his hand clean against the sheets. As Joseph stilled, Jacob carefully eased himself out from his brother. 

“Is that what you needed?” Jacob murmured, pressing his lips to Joseph’s heated skin again.

“I didn’t need it,” Joseph said, still breathy.

Jacob snorted, “Joseph.”

“I’m sorry. It was perfect. I, I really enjoyed it. But,” he moved onto his back, setting a hand on Jacob’s hip. “it happened again.”

“It’s fine. We’re different. That’s just how it is. Don’t worry about it, really. I don’t care about that.”

Joseph turned to meet Jacob’s gaze. For someone who had just cum all over his brother’s hand, his expression was intense. He watched Jacob, his piercing eyes catching the morning light. The corners were still dotted with red. It'd been easy to forget about that extent of his injuries when he insisted on those shades all the time. But there was nothing to hide them now. They made his already severe gaze even more dire. 

“Is that so.”

Jacob nodded.

“I still want to make it up to you. May I?”

“How?”

Joseph slid his hand down to his brother’s erection. Despite his unwavering expression and confident words, he was clearly hesitant in touching it. Each time it felt like he was finally about to wrap his shaking fingers around Jacob’s dick, he would pull his hand away, wiping the slippery mix of lube and pre-cum on Jacob’s legs or stomach.

Jacob’s first instinct was to tell him that there wasn’t a need for that and that he didn’t need to force himself. But Joseph had made himself clear the night before, and honestly over and over. No more doubting him. Jacob waited another moment, waiting for Joseph’s face to reveal disgust or reluctance. It never showed. 

“Go ahead,” he finally said. 

Joseph closed his hand around Jacob, wincing. He hid it quickly though. Awkwardly, he slid his fingers along the heated skin. Sometimes he’d squeeze and shift like he was trying to do something more, but it only made it more clumsy. The act alone, like most sexual things in their relationship, wasn’t much. But also, like everything about their relationship, both brotherly and incestual, the fact that it was Joseph made it better than anything else. 

“How is this?” Joseph asked.

“Amazing,” Jacob played up a soft moan, “You’re doing so well.” 

A hint of a smile played at the corners of Joseph’s lips. “Am I making you happy?”

Jacob set his less soiled hand on the side of his brother’s face. He stroked his messy beard, grabbing the long strands of his hair between his fingers. “You always make me happy. I love you.”

Joseph’s smile grew. There was something uncertain about it, but it was genuine enough. It fell as he sighed, gaze flicking to Jacob’s hand on his cheek. 

“Are you close?” he asked. His tone was entirely different. The warmth and nervousness had fallen flat.

“Yes. Just a bit more.”

Joseph nodded. 

“Come here,” Jacob muttered, leaning in as he guided Joseph’s head closer. His little brother didn’t resist, not even when he pressed his nose to his scalp, breathing him in. When he pulled away only to move back in to bring their mouths together, Joseph eagerly kissed back. It was probably only so Jacob would finish faster, but Jacob preferred to believe that it was an expression of passion and intimacy, not disgust.

Whatever his intent, it quickly pushed Jacob over the edge. He moaned, harsh and pitchy into his brother’s mouth. Joseph tensed as his hand was dirtied. Despite that, he jerked his big brother through his orgasm, not stopping once. Not until Jacob grabbed his wrist, stopping him. Joseph pulled away, watching Jacob with an unreadable face. 

“Thank you,” Jacob said.

“Yes, I,” Joseph pulled his hand away, looking down at it. His nose raised in disgust. “I need to wash myself.”

“Just wipe it on the sheets. I’ll have them washed today.”

“No. People will see, they’ll talk.”

“I meant I’ll do it myself.”

“That isn’t what you said.”

Jacob sighed. He rolled onto his back, wiping his brow. “Are you angry now? You feel guilty or something?”

“Why do you say that?” Joseph sat up, “I’m being reasonable.” 

“Reasonable,” Jacob repeated. He laughed bitterly under his breath. “Don’t act like that. I can tell you’re bothered. Open communication, that’s what we both want, so just say it.”

Joseph glanced away. “I’m going to John today.”

“So you do feel guilty. You’re leaving me.”

“No! I’m not leaving you, I just, it’s only that John needs me right now. You know he does, you saw him.”

“I was joking, Joseph.” 

Joseph sighed. He ran his clean hand through his hair. “I thought I wouldn’t feel this way after being with you.”

“Do you mean my company or only the sex?”

“Both. To an extent. Mostly our relations.”

“That’s to be expected though, isn’t it? There’s no way around it.” 

“Yes. There really isn’t,” Joseph sighed, grinding the heel of his palm into his eye. It was a miserable sight. But Jacob still ignored the urge to reach out and hold his little brother. That wouldn’t be right, not after Joseph just told him that he was the source of his unease. Jacob sat up instead, only watching his brother. Slowly, Joseph pulled his hand away. He gestured toward the bedside table. “My glasses, please.”

  
  
  


John held his friendly face until the door shut behind the converted, leaving him with only his men. His expression fell instantly. He glared at the nearest soldier as he moved for a pew, sitting with a near-growl.

“I thought it was healed,” he said, not bothering to hide his irritation. When he received only confused reactions, he huffed and gestured toward his face. “ _ This.  _ I thought it was healed, but  _ clearly not. _ ”

Again, only confused silence. He snarled, grabbing a nearby white book. If it were anything else, he would’ve thrown it. But he wouldn’t dare disrespect Joseph’s words. 

Someone cleared their throat. He didn’t bother looking up as the man spoke. His words were clear, so one of the newer recruits. Or maybe one of the smarter ones. “With all due respect, sir, what are you talking about?”

“My eye! This! That whole time, they were just  _ staring  _ at it! Especially that woman, it was nonstop! They’re supposed to be  _ listening _ , but they were all mocking me!” John finally looked up, “And now, you’re staring at it too! Do you want me to send you to Faith? Is that it?”

The man blinked, stammering. “I’m sorry, but, but if we aren’t supposed to look at your face when you speak, where should we look? I thought it was just respectful but—”

“Not Faith then. You want to be the next meal for my brother’s dogs then.”

“No, no, sorry, I—”

“Too late. If you want me to change my mind, go out there and grab that woman. If she can’t respect me, she won’t respect the Father. No, bring all of them back here. They were all staring and if they can’t accept that I’m a human too and sometimes shit happens then they won’t—”

The door opened. John bit down his rage and dragged up his friendly persona again. He rose from the pew, opening his arms wide in a welcoming gesture as he turned. When he saw who it was, his act fell apart. He stared at his older brother, mouth still open around a greeting that never started.

“Hello, John,” Joseph said. His voice was steady. Healthy. No, not entirely. But compared to how it’d been, the weakness was barely noticeable. He looked amongst his younger brother’s soldiers. “I wish to speak to my Herald in private. Please leave.” 

They didn’t need any further prompting. No one wanted to disobey their prophet and no one to stay around John during a tantrum. Each bowed their head in respect as they passed Joseph. He acknowledged them with his usual smile. When the doors shut again, the two brothers left in silence, Joseph returned his attention to John. 

He held his hands out. “Come here.”

John didn’t need any convincing. He ran toward his brother, throwing his arms around Joseph to pull him into a tight hug. After a moment of nothing, Joseph gently returned it, settling a hand on John’s back and another against his hair. 

“What’s wrong, John?” he asked softly.

John tightened the hug. He took a moment to breathe, relishing the warmth of Joseph’s body and his familiar smell. “I thought,” he finally said, “that you were angry at me.”

“How could I be angry at you?”

“Because I,” he held Joseph even closer, “I’m me and I’m immature and all I do is act out and disappoint you.”

“That isn’t true. I’m very proud of you, John. You’ve done so much for me and for Eden’s Gate. Even when I’ve been neglecting you, you’ve helped so many others down this righteous path.”

“But I’m not like Jacob.”

He felt Joseph tense, then slacken. John bit his tongue. He wanted to bash his head into something, or cut another word deep into his skin. 

“You’re right. You aren’t. But that makes me happy. I don’t want you to be like him, I want you to be you. I don’t have a use for another Jacob, I love him, but I don’t want another. I want both of you, separate and unique. Both of my precious brothers at my side.” Joseph’s hands moved to John’s shoulders, easing him away. Reluctantly, John allowed him. He met Joseph’s gaze. Thankfully, he looked just as calm as his words. “Why would you believe for an instance that I want you to be like him?”

“You were with him for so long, I just,” John glanced down, “began to think that you liked him more than me.”

“John, that isn’t why. I would  _ never  _ prefer one of you over the other. It’s only that Jacob needed me. But now he doesn’t. Now you do, so I am here. Please, understand that.”

“I do. I’m sorry, I’m being immature again.”

“It’s fine,” Joseph smiled, “I forgive you.” 

John nodded. “Thank you. Did Jacob bring you? Is he still here?”

“He did, but,” Joseph pulled his hands away, “I’m sure he’s already returned to the Mountains. I’ve been taking up too much of his time.”

“That isn’t true. You said it yourself, he needed you. That’s not taking up his time.”

Joseph’s gaze flicked away, “That is how it sounds, isn’t it?”

“Yes, that’s how it is, but,” John decided against asking if there was something wrong with Jacob. That was something he could ask later. “Now you’re here. With me. What can I do for you? Are you going to stay around for a while?”

“I didn’t give you any warning, but I would like to stay with you. I’ve missed you, John. I’ve spent much of my time thinking about you.”

The urge to yank Joseph back into another hug was nearly overwhelming. Instead John cleared his throat, laughing under his breath. He couldn’t hide his wide smile if he wanted to. “I, I’ve really missed you too. A lot. So much. Yes, so  _ so  _ much. And I’ve been thinking about you too! All the time, I’m thinking about you. It’s nonstop, Joseph. Oh, but that’s not a bad thing, it makes me happy when I think about you! That’s all to say that yes, I’d love for you to stay with me! As long as you want. Even if it’s a short amount, that’s okay too, but the longer, the better and—”

“John,” Joseph said. His tone was fond, but John still snapped to attention. 

“Yes. Sorry. I’m so happy. Yes, yes, yes, I’m,  _ we’re  _ so blessed to have you, Joseph. Thank you. Thank you so much.”

“Knowing that you’re happy and fulfilled is the only thanks I need.”

“I am! It’s all because of you. But, ah, you already know that. Of course you do. What do you want to do here? What should I do?”

“Do as you were,” Joseph said. “I’ve neglected this Valley. The devout here, they’ve earned my presence.”

John hated how something as simple as that sent jealousy stabbing through his chest. He hid it. Joseph wouldn’t understand. He’d be angry. No, he’d be disappointed and that was worse. “You haven’t neglected anyone. You’ve been doing more than you should have. When you should’ve been focusing on healing, you were still ministering. No one would dare think that you’ve neglected them! If anyone tells you that, point them out to me and I’ll punish them.” 

Joseph laughed softly, “But John, you just admitted that you believed I was angry at you because I wasn’t paying attention to you.”

“Well, I,” John stopped himself before he could make an excuse. He looked away, ashamed. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m selfish. Please forgive me, Joseph. Father.”

His older brother’s warm hand settled on the side of his face, easing John into meeting Joseph’s gaze again. Joseph wasn’t mad at all. He still smiled calmly. “It’s natural to want to be by the ones you love. How am I supposed to hold that against you?”

“Because we should always aspire to improve ourselves. That desire is selfish and I need to learn to quell it. You’re our Father. That’s more important than me wanting you to be my brother and my,” John stopped. 

“Yes, we shouldn’t talk about such things here. Come,” Joseph stepped back, turning away from John, “You have much to do.”

  
  
  
  


If it were any time before, John would have been annoyed by the rushed and lackluster reports he received from his men. But for the past few months, they’d been all the same. Nearly all heretics were gone, culled or converted, and the government’s presence had vanished after their initial snooping nearly a year ago. And, more importantly than any of that, the Father was back. Joseph, in his typical manner, couldn’t resist the urge to break into sermon. John could  _ never  _ fault him for that. Even if his homilies were a bit strange. Being lost was a subject that’d come up several times over the years. But usually Joseph would give his people an answer. And that was that  _ he  _ was the answer. Not once that day did he mention a solution. From Fall’s End to the farms and the strongholds beyond, his fervent ranting would just… fade. Sometimes it was the mention of consequences that would cause him to drift off. Sometimes it was the talk of failing, over and over. Other times it was the allegorical blindness. There wasn’t a consistent pattern.

John was sure that no one else noticed. If they did, then they knew not to show it. Not in front of the Father and certainly not in front of his Baptist. Chances were that if someone did think it was odd, they’d just dismiss it as Joseph still recovering. His voice would grow hoarse as he talked after all. That was a more obvious explanation than anything else. But seeing it repeated throughout the day, John couldn’t blame it on that anymore. 

He sighed as he drove. Joseph looked from the window to him. John sighed again.

“There’s still the outposts by the river, but, if it’s okay with you, I’ll have the Chosen inspect them,” John said. 

“I trust your judgement.” 

“Thank you.”

“Where are we going then?”

“I just want to go home right now. If that’s okay.”

“Are you not feeling well?”

John forced out an easy-sounding laugh, “No, nothing like that. You’re here. For the first time in a while. So I just want to spend some time with you. Just you. In private.”

Joseph glanced back out the window, “I see.”

“I don’t mean sex though! I mean, I would really like that too, but there’s so much else I want to do with you too.” 

“I know.” 

“Oh. Right. Of course you do. Yes, you’re always so understanding.”

Joseph smiled at him, “You flatter me. Recently, I’ve started to think that maybe,” his expression fell, “I’m not as understanding as I thought I was.”

“What? Why? Was it something that Jacob did? What did he do?”

“It’s wrong to talk behind his back.”

“You promised that you’d tell me if you two did anything. It’s been weeks and you haven’t spoken to me.”

Joseph sighed, “If that’s where your concern really lies, then I’d rather you just said so. And Jacob is the one who made that promise, not me.”

“So you wouldn’t tell me?”

“John.” Joseph’s voice was firm.

“Sorry. No, that’s not what I’m concerned about.”

“John.”

“Okay, yes, I am concerned about that. I’m sorry. But I mean it, I really want to know what Jacob did. I know how you are. If it wasn’t related to _ us _ ,” John made a vague gesture that he hoped conveyed gay polyamorous incest, “then you would’ve brought it up with him and you wouldn’t be bothered. But you are bothered. I can see it. I can hear it. Tell me so I can talk to him for you. So I can resolve this. Please?”

Joseph watched him. He sighed. “Jacob did nothing wrong. No, that isn’t true. But what he did wrong was what I expect of him anyways. He’s still himself.”

“So what you’re saying is that you think you did something wrong.”

“I do not  _ think  _ I did something wrong. I did. I’m trying to understand my role in all this, what I should allow, what I shouldn’t, what I should expect to receive and what I can ask for. Tell me, John, what’s wrong and right in this?”

“Joseph, you’re the one who tells us that.”

“Then it’s all wrong. But you and Jacob act like it isn’t, and yet you both will say it is, but also isn’t, and sometimes I feel that this is okay, that is what He planned, but I’ll also feel that it’s wrong and when I think about it, all I can see is that this  _ is  _ wrong and it’s my fault.”

John swallowed. His mouth was dry. Even after hearing Joseph proclaim that what they were doing was wrong so many times, it still made him sick. The growing agitation was something new though. He forced a smile, pushing it aside. “But Joseph, you always get caught up thinking like that. Why is it bothering you so much now?”

“It isn’t that. It’s that I told Jacob how I felt.”

“He knows how you feel. We both do.” 

“Yes, but,” Joseph stopped. He frowned, brows furrowed in frustration. “There’s too much to put to words. I acted wrong. That whole time he was with me, I wanted to help him, and I knew what I had to do, but I couldn’t until it was too late and when I did, I did it all wrong.” 

“Is that how it really is though? Or do you just see it that way because you’re ashamed?”

Joseph glared at him,  “Yes, John, that  _ is  _ how it is. Are you doubting me?” 

The firmness in his gaze and voice burned as bad as salt in an open cut. If John weren’t in the middle of driving, he would’ve probably thrown himself at Joseph’s feet. “No. I’m sorry. Please don’t be angry.”

“You weren’t there. You don’t understand. You shouldn’t speak about things that you have no understanding of.”

“Yes. You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Joseph. Please forgive me.”

Joseph’s demeanor softened. He reached out, putting a hand on John’s shoulder. “John.”

The gesture didn’t do much to soothe the guilt and shame. All John could really do was spit another, “I’m sorry.”

“The Father is infallible, John.”

“Yes, you are.” 

“No,” Joseph squeezed his shoulder painfully. “The Father is infallible.”

“The Father is infallible.”

“ _ I  _ am not.”

“But you are the—”

“Yes. I also am.” He pressed tighter, his fingers digging into the pressure points enough to make John wince. “Don’t you understand me, John?”

“Yes,” John’s tried to keep the pain out of his voice, but he couldn’t hide the tightness. “The Father doesn’t do things like what we’ve made you do. I understand. The Father is infallible.”

“I am not.” Joseph’s grip loosened. He ran his hand along John’s shoulder, petting him as if he was a dog he just had to discipline. That wasn’t far from the truth though. “I have been making many,  _ many  _ mistakes. For the sake of you two, I need to act better. I need to do what is right for both of you. But I keep making mistakes.  _ That  _ is what is frustrating.” 

John nodded.

“John, what should I do?”

“Love us.” The words slipped out instantly. John didn’t even think about it. He felt like he should regret saying them, especially at Joseph’s hurt expression. 

“I do love you and Jacob.”

“No.  _ Love  _ us. Like how we love you. That’s the only mistake you’re making. If you really loved me, then you’d know what to do.”

Joseph pulled his hand back, dropping it into his lap. “Is that so.”

“Yes, it is. Don’t I keep saying this? Just love us. That’s all I, we, want.” 

“But I can’t.”

“Why not!?” John snapped. He caught himself, taking a deep breath. “We’re home. I said all that I really should need to say.” 

While Joseph was still staring at him, the pained expression more wounded than ever, John pulled over and all but jumped out the moment he could. He really didn’t understand why he felt so irritated at Joseph. No, he did. As many times as he and Jacob tried to explain it, Joseph really couldn’t grasp how cruel it was to talk about their feelings like it was just some common sin. Joseph even said that it was genuinely love, but he still acted like that. Like he didn’t care. It was frustrating. Beyond frustrating. John bit back a snarl as he opened his door. He thought ending the subject there and not being stuck in a closed space with Joseph would help calm him down. Clearly not. The urge to break something was stronger than ever.

“John,” Joseph called out gently from right behind him. It was barely louder than the quiet sound of the door softly closing. “Do you think that I’m angry at you?”

John turned around, looking everywhere but Joseph’s eyes. He knew if he weren’t clearly in a mood, that Joseph would scold him for the disrespect. If he did meet his gaze though, he knew he’d say something stupid. 

“I’m sorry,” John said. 

“I know. I forgive you. I’m not angry at you, John,” Joseph reached out for John’s arm again. 

“You know, Joseph,” John said, “it doesn’t matter what you do or what you put up with, because as you long as you don’t love me, then I can’t be happy.”

Joseph stopped. He drew his hand back. 

“That isn’t fair,” he said.

“That isn’t fair,” John repeated. He laughed bitterly. “Yes. It’s not fair.”

“Love isn’t something that can be forced. Especially love between—”

“Yes, brothers, I get it. But Joseph, have you even tried? Have you tried getting past all that and actually seeing if you can love us?”

Joseph wasn’t fazed at all. “No.”

“Then you have  _ no right  _ to say what’s fair and unfair. You’re the one being unfair here. You’re the one being selfish—”

“I’m the selfish one? I’m the one in the wrong? The man who has done nothing but help others find God, the man who is working to save us all, the man who has had to put up with knowing that,” Joseph’s voice shook, “for years, maybe for my whole life, the memories I cherished the most, above all else, mean  _ nothing. _ ” 

“What do you mean they mean nothing!?”

“I thought you were my brothers, I thought I could trust you with anything and rely on you, I thought that you loved me unconditionally and you didn’t expect anything in return. But that whole time, you were lusting after me.” 

“You said you accepted us! You admitted that we love you! You said you were fine with it!”

“I thought I was!” 

Hearing Joseph shout made John instinctively flinch. His nerves screamed for him to stop. Before Joseph got any angrier, it was best to just hide curled up in a corner. But he refused to back down, especially when he saw how Joseph noticed that flinch, regret immediately flaring over the anger on his face.

“So that’s what happened, that’s why you refused to tell me if you had sex with Jacob. It was every night wasn’t it? No, it was more than that, wasn’t it. Every waking moment you were together, he was sodomizing your brains out, wasn’t he? How we feel is okay when you need to get off, isn’t it? But the moment you’re done with us, we’re back to being disgusting in your eyes. That’s how it is, isn’t it?”

John was honestly a bit shocked that Joseph didn’t cut him off. He was even more surprised when Joseph calmly answered.

“That’s wrong.”

“Yes, it is wrong! That’s lust and you—”

“No. I mean you’re incorrect. I only had relations with Jacob twice. That’s it.”

“That doesn’t mean anything. So what, the urge struck twice. That’s all that means. That doesn’t mean I’m wrong.”

Joseph sighed. He was clearly trying to hide his frustration again. “I was fine with your feelings until I slept with him. Do you understand?”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“Yes it does, John! Listen, I am  _ trying  _ to understand you! But you have this narrative in your mind and you refuse to see past that!”

“It doesn’t matter. None of this matters.”

“John,” Joseph stepped closer. John felt like he was cornered even though he had the open space of his own home behind him. “I thought I could tell you how I felt and I thought you would try to understand.

“I do understand! You have a problem, you want a solution, and I gave you that solution! Love us!”

“I  _ do _ love you,” Joseph said, desperation and exasperation leaking into his tone. 

“No, you don’t. And you’re not trying to love me and you’re not even willing to try. You’re just saying no and no and no to me. All I ever needed was for you to love me, but you refuse to.”

“John,” Joseph said gently, “One of us must remain in the light. One of us must remain above so he can lift the others. That is where I stand and that is where I will stay.”

“What does that mean!? That one day, you think we’ll just stop? That’s it? That’s the end? We’ll stop and go back just the way we used to be? All you have to do is just wait—”

Joseph’s hand returned to his shoulder. His grip was even tighter than it was in the car. John winced, but he didn’t dare shrink away from it. “I don’t appreciate your tone, John.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m just confused, Joseph, that’s it, I’m sorry,” he looked down, the miserable urge to beg on his knees creeping back, “Please forgive me.”

Smiling kindly, Joseph loosened his hold. He slid his fingers up his little brother’s neck into his beard, forcing John to return his gaze. “That isn’t what I meant at all. I don’t expect you nor Jacob to ever change. I don’t want you to,” he breathed in, closing his eyes, “It’s really too late for that. But,” his stare was no less intense when he looked at John again, “did the Penitent Thief deserve to reach Heaven?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know, Joseph.”

“You said ‘No’ at first. Why?”

“He was a thief. A sinner. I wouldn’t allow someone like that into your herd, Joseph, not until I purified him.”

“That’s right,” Joseph nodded, “And yet, he sits in Heaven today. Do you know why? It was on our Lord’s word that he was allowed in. Because he was vouched for by the Son. I’m not daring to imply that I am as pure or as holy as Him. But I am chosen by God as His prophet. Yes, my actions in this regard seem sinful, yet my core, my soul and my love are clean. Those factors, don’t they give me the right to vouch for the love of my beloved brothers as Christ did for the thief?”

“If you,” John stopped, trying to find better words that wouldn’t be a lie. There weren’t any though. He swallowed. “If you say so, Father.”

Joseph’s hand moved to the back of John’s head to pull him into another hug, pressing him into his shoulder. “Do you understand now? Can you let go of your resentment?”

“I don’t know. No, I, I don’t resent you, Joseph. I could never resent you. I’m immature. I’m a brat. I’m selfish.”

“You are,” Joseph stroked his hair, “you are many  _ many  _ things. But above all, you’re my brother, and I will always love you. That’s why I’ll take your sins unto myself and I’ll bear the burden of them. So don’t ask me to do things that will only hurt you, understand? I won’t do that anymore. I refuse to. Have faith that I know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to be your lover, but I do know how to be your Father, so let me do this and don’t question me. Understand?”

“Yes, Father. I understand.”

“Thank you, John.” Joseph pressed his mouth to the side of his little brother’s hairline. “Know your place and I will indulge you. If you try to rise against my judgement again, I’ll put you down, over and over.”

John nodded. He reluctantly let Joseph push him away. But it was worth it when Joseph softly kissed him before John could do anything. Joseph leaned their foreheads together. 

“Do you want to start over and try welcoming me into your home again?”

“Yes. Thank you, Fa— Joseph. Thank you.” 

Joseph stepped back, still appearing as saintly and patiently as ever. He watched John expectantly. John cleared his throat. He reached up, fumbling with his sunglasses. After clearing his throat again, he gestured around.

“It’s a bit of a mess,” he said. “I haven’t let anyone else in here and I’ve been so preoccupied that I just, well, I’m sorry. That’s what I’m trying to say.”

“I didn’t give you any warning. You weren’t expecting me.”

“Yes, you’re right, but—”

Joseph passed him, “If it’s to a degree that you’re unhappy, then that does bother me. I don’t want you living in squalor, John. I expect that you respect and love yourself enough to take care of your own basic needs.”

The thought to point out that there were times when Joseph didn’t do that for himself arose, but it wasn’t strong enough to even be an urge. “It’s not that I’m unhappy, you just deserve better.”

“You weren’t expecting me,” Joseph said again. He stopped in the middle of the walkway and turned back to his brother, “But this is what you honestly consider a mess? I haven’t seen anything that would make me even think that.” 

“It’s a mess for my standards.”

“Your standards,” Joseph glanced aside, frowning like he was thinking. He looked back up, “We all have different standards, yes.”

“Is there something wrong with that?”

“No. Not always.”

John nodded as if he understood Joseph’s whole thought process. He waited for Joseph to elaborate, but Joseph seemed to stare right past him. So he was still in that odd mood. Of course he was. Normal Joseph was… unique. In all the best ways, of course. A distracted Joseph was worrying and, honestly, a bit terrifying. Still, Joseph was here, in his home. That was more than enough reason to be happy. The rest didn’t matter. Okay, it did, but as long as John kept himself under control, then he knew Joseph would cheer up and be back to normal. That would be only fair, right? John smiled, moving closer to his older brother.

“Would you like something, Joseph? Can I get something for you? What would you like to do?”

“I would like to sit outside for awhile. It’s a wonderful day.”

“It is,” John nodded, “Especially with you.”

“I’ll be on the balcony then. Bring me tea. Hot. No sugar, just mild.”

“Yes, Joseph. I’ll be right there.”

Joseph smiled fondly. He brought a hand to the side of John’s face, brushing his fingers over his skin and beard. “Thank you, John. You’re doing much better.”

“I am?”

“Yes,” Joseph closed his eyes, “This is the behavior I want from you and Jacob. This is the behavior I’ll reward.”

“Yes. Yes, yes, thank you, Joseph, I understand. I love you so much.”

“I know.”

“Joseph?”

His older brother opened his eyes, “I love you too, John. Please, accept my love in the form that it’s in, just as I’ve accepted yours in its form.” 

“Yes. I will now, Joseph. I,” John stopped. Saying he understood would still be a lie. He tried to keep a happy face, but he could feel his expression fall into something miserable. “I hate hearing you say things like that. I hate it, yes, I hate it so much and it hurts. Can’t you just say that you love me and leave it there?”

“I  _ do  _ love you, John.”

John nodded, “I love you too, Joseph. So much. I don’t know how to say just how much I love you. I,” he swallowed, forcing himself to refocus, “will see you outside.”

“I’m proud of you,” Joseph murmured. He slipped his hand into John’s hair, running his fingers through the strands and his palm over his little brother’s ear. The heat from the contact was overbearing. Joseph pulled his hand away. He started to say something, only to stop. 

“Joseph?”

“Take your time. I mean it.”

His tone was too serious for it only to have been a polite statement, but before John could ask or even start to figure it out, Joseph turned away. There wasn’t a reason to be worried. Joseph was just like that sometimes, John told himself. Everything would be okay. They would have a nice time together and Joseph would love him even more. Nothing would get in the way of that.

  
  
  
  


John had just stepped out, about to call Joseph’s name, when he heard his older brother’s voice. He stopped. Eavesdropping wasn’t a sin, but he stepped back anyways. Joseph would still be angry that he was listening in. There was another voice, through a radio. So it wasn’t a prayer like he first thought. 

"— _ taking care of you?” _

Hearing Jacob’s voice during  _ his  _ time,  _ John’s  _ time with Joseph dragged up the familiar burn of jealousy. John bit his tongue. He held back the urge to throw the two mugs in his hand over his balcony.

“Of course he is. I was right to come here. He needs me now.”

_ “I see. If he does anything—” _

“I’ve already put him in his place. I have faith in him. You should too.”

There was a pause. 

_ “What do you need me for then?”  _

“I need your forgiveness. How I behaved this morning was wrong. I took out my own frustrations on you. I’m sorry.”

_“I forgive you. You know I always will. But you don’t need to apologize to me.”_

“Yes, I do. I did mean what I said. But I said it wrong. So I’m sorry. Thank you for taking care of me, I really do appreciate and value our time together. I regret that I made our parting so bitter.”

_ “I already forgive you. It’s fine. I don’t blame you.”  _

“Yes. I know,” Joseph sighed. 

_ “Do you feel better now?” _

“I don’t know. I wanted to make sure that you’re still okay.”

_ “I told you. I am. You didn’t hurt me.” _

“Then I do feel better. I have faith that you’re telling the truth and not sparing my feelings.”

_ “I am. _ ”

Another pause. John heard Joseph sigh again.

“I love you, Jacob.”

_ “Is it okay if I say it back?” _

“Yes. You can. I’ve decided that I want you to. Only if you still feel that way.”

_ “Of course I do. I love you, Joseph, I always will.” _

“Thank you. Please return to your duties.”

“ _ That’s it?” _

“Yes. Unless you have something you want to say.”

“ _ No.”  _

“Goodbye, Jacob. I promise I’ll do better from now on.” 

John heard a click. Then another sigh. He swallowed trying to regain his composure and shove down his remaining rage. It was harder than it should have been. The thought that Joseph was still thinking about Jacob even when he was miles away in the mountains made John sick. 

“You can come out now, John,” Joseph called out. John's anger quickly cooled. Now he just felt ashamed for having been caught. 

“I’m sorry, Joseph,” John approached, unable to meet Joseph’s face. The sounds of his footsteps, the wind, the birds, it was all so annoying. It was like they were kicking him while he was down. They were just the normal noises of Hope County though, a small part of him knew that. 

“I’m not angry. Come, sit.” 

John obeyed. He wanted to see Joseph’s face, but he knew he didn’t deserve to be reassured. What happened to behaving well? That barely lasted any time before he messed up again.

“I swear, if I didn’t know you were there, I wouldn’t have let Jacob bring you up.”

“It’s fine. I was being rude. Disrespectful.” 

“I know how you are.” Joseph’s fingers brushed against John’s as he took the cup from him. John finally brought himself to meet his older brother’s eyes. Just as he expected, there wasn’t even a speck of frustration. Joseph sipped at his tea.

 John had mixed his saliva into Joseph's drinks so many times that he wasn’t really concerned anymore about his immature compulsion being found out. Even if he was worried, it’d be impossible to taste the small amount he put in. But his heart still skipped a beat when Joseph lowered his mug and closed his eyes.

“Even with something so simple, you’re a marvel, John.”

“Thank you. It makes me really happy to hear that.” 

Joseph nodded, humming quietly as he took another sip. John drank from his own mug. It was just water. 

“May I ask you something, Joseph?” 

“You don’t need to ask for my permission.” But Joseph’s smile did shift slightly more prideful.

“Will you sleep with me tonight?”

“Depends on what context you mean by that.”

“Whatever context you’ll allow.”

Joseph watched him. After a moment, he shook his head. “I’ll share your bed. But nothing more than that. Not tonight.” 

“Oh. Yes. That’s okay. Yes. You’re right. We shouldn’t let lust creep into our relationship,” John nodded firmly. But there was no hiding his disappointment. 

“You love me regardless. Don’t you?”

“Yes! What kind of question is that? I’ll love you regardless of anything! Always! But,” John felt himself start to shake, “You slept with Jacob today, didn’t you? It only seems fair to me that you should—”

“John.” 

“Sorry. I’ve just been thinking about it a lot. I know that’s too much and I know I shouldn’t. I’m sorry, Joseph.”

Joseph watched him. He didn’t say anything, taking the time to sip again at his tea. But he didn’t seem angry or disappointed. 

“We’ll compromise,” he finally said simply. 

“What? Joseph, you don’t need to do that. I don’t—”

“Say yes, John.”

John caught himself. He messed with his sunglasses, nearly knocking them off before clearing his throat. “Yes. Yes, yes, Joseph, thank you so much, yes. You’re too gracious. But,” he pulled his glasses off, folding them and setting them on his thigh, “I’ve confessed to thinking perverse thoughts. Worse than perverse.”

“I know. But I can’t condemn you. Not when I’m guilty of the same.”

“You are?” 

“I’m not a hypocritical man, John. No, I try not to be a hypocritical man. Wanting to be close to the person you love, wanting to hold them and wake by them, there’s nothing wrong with that. But when it’s too frequent, when it’s overbearing, that’s when it becomes a sin. It’s a thin line, easily crossed. We’ve both crossed it, I’m certain. But,” Joseph leaned forward, reaching his hand out. John took it without thinking. The clatter of his glasses hitting the ground didn’t bother him in the slightest. “I have faith that together, we can overcome this.”

“Yes, yes, if you’re with me, then I can do it. Like walking on water. I won’t lose faith though. I won’t.”

Joseph smiled. He rubbed his thumb over John’s knuckle, “I know.” 

Awkwardly, he set his near-empty mug on the wooden flooring. John wasn’t sure if he was supposed to do the same, but he did. Joseph exhaled slowly and deep. He closed his eyes. 

“This makes me happy,” he said.

“Yes, me too,” John nodded eagerly.

“It’s fulfilling. Just being with someone else. The contact.”

“Yes, especially when it’s you—”

Joseph squeezed his hand painfully, “Be quiet, John.”

His tone wasn’t harsh, but John still felt like he’d been slapped. Even if he weren’t told to be quiet, he wasn’t sure what he’d say beyond a tantrum. He grit his teeth as Joseph’s grip loosened. Disobeying Joseph, the Father, wasn’t an option. And good behavior, that’s what he wanted to prove that he was capable of. Even when Joseph was being unfair and cruel. That’s what this was. Cruel. If given a chance to argue, John knew he could spin his feelings into a convincingly logical argument. But Joseph wouldn’t let him. He stared at his older brother, waiting. 

It felt like hours. Joseph gently rubbed his fingers over John’s skin, lovingly caressing his younger brother’s hand. He would tighten his grip again, never with the same strength as before, but more of a pressure meant to be reassuring. John wanted to enjoy it. No, he did enjoy it. But the fact that he did filled him with even more irritation. He wasn’t some desperate dog who’d take any affection, even if it was directed at and meant for someone else. That was a lie. If it was Joseph’s hand, he’d accept it no matter what. 

Finally, Joseph opened his eyes. He started to pull his hand away. But John latched onto his wrist, digging his fingers in as hard as he dared. Which honestly wasn’t that much. Annoyed confusion flickered over Joseph’s expression, only to fall flat.

“Who were you thinking of?” John said, tight and rushed so that Joseph couldn’t defuse him or enrage him further with a rebuke. Joseph only watched him. He didn’t make a noise. John repeated himself, even harsher, “ _ Who  _ were you thinking of?”

“John,” his tone was flat too, “Your hand is nothing like her’s.”

He yanked himself free and leaned back in his chair, turning away from John to gaze out onto the fields. 

“Then is it like Jacob’s?”

“No.”

“Then what—”

Joseph barely glanced at him, “I was praying, John.”

John slowly nodded, suddenly noticing how dry his mouth felt. He reached for his water. “Why didn’t you pray with me?”

“Did I not?”

“You usually say it out loud.”

“I’m not allowed to speak to my Lord in private?”

John sipped from his water. He felt droplets run down his lip into his beard. As he quickly wiped it away, he knew he must have looked so unsightly to his brother. “This  _ is  _ private.”

“There are some things I’d rather not say out loud. There are some things that can’t be communicated in words. There are some things that I’m guilty of, my sins, my fears, my anxieties, that I’m not ready to have known by any other.”

“Not even me? But I’m your Herald, I’m your Baptist, I’m—”

“I know, John,” Joseph finally looked at him, head on, “but above all that, you’re my brother. And I don’t want to hurt you with my words and thoughts like how I hurt Jacob.”

“I’m not some woman. I’m not a child.”

Joseph smiled slightly, “But just now, weren’t you offended by my words?”

John huffed. He sat back in his chair, glaring into the bottom of his cup. “I already admitted that I’m a brat. I’m trying. But we’re all sinners by nature.”

“Being hurt by cruel words isn’t a sin.”

“You didn’t say anything cruel.”

“I didn’t,” Joseph nodded, “I’m not talking about this situation. Merely in general.”

“So it  _ is  _ a sin in this situation?”

“You already know.”

“If you tell me, I’ll know for sure. I like it when you tell me. And guide me. I like it when I can think back on your voice telling me what to do and when I can say Yes to it and know that I’m righteous.”

Joseph breathily laughed. 

“What?” John leaned forward.

“That doesn’t sound like much in the way of penance.”

“It doesn’t. But either way, whatever you decide I need to do, as long as it’s you, I’ll value it. It’s all precious to me.” 

“Now, John,” Joseph’s voice was light and fond, “you’re just deluding yourself at this point.”

“I’m no—” John caught himself, “How?”

Joseph’s gaze returned to the fields. “You confuse me. Always changing from one end to the next, like a switch on and off. I don’t know how to make you see. I do not know if I can. Because,” his stare fell low, “I believe it’s me that made you like this.”

“No, Joseph, that’s not true, you’ve only ever been good for me. You’ve only ever helped me. Any flaw within me is  _ my  _ fault. The fact that I’ve,” John spread his hands wide, looking into his palms, “that I’ve turned out like this, that’s the fault of so many people. But all the good in me,” he turned to Joseph, “that’s all because of you. Together, we’ve helped so many people see the light. Because of you, I’ll have saved them all when the Collapse comes. Because of you, sometimes, I can even be a good person. Don’t you see that, Joseph? Isn’t that obvious? Because I love you, I can be  _ so much more. _ ”

Joseph barely even seemed to acknowledge him. At first. But slowly, he smiled and closed his eyes. “Yes. You were broken and I’ve put you back together with me at the center.” His eyes opened as he glanced toward John, “I suppose I should take responsibility for that.”

It was impossible to tell if he meant it as a good thing or bad. The tone he said it in was too casual to point either way. John still nodded despite his unsurety. “Yes. Yes, yes, that’s right.”

For a moment, Joseph didn’t react again. Slowly, he started to speak. “John, I want your insight. Your advice. I don’t know how to make Jacob forgive himself. He’s my responsibility too then, so it’s my responsibility to make him happy.”

“He is happy. He’s just Jacob.”

“He carries so much guilt.”

“Yes. He’s  _ Jacob,  _ Joseph. You know he’s always been a bit… stubbornly emotional.”

“Emotional?” Joseph paused, “That isn’t the word that first came to mind, but I suppose in his own way, that’s so.”

“It’s better that he has an outlet. The cutting himself, I mean. That’s what you’re really worried about, isn’t it?”

“No. I really am worried about how he feels. But yes, the self-harm is unnecessary. And that is what worries me most.”

“Well,” John put on his most reassuring smile and leaned close to Joseph, setting a hand on his older brother’s arm, “it is necessary. You’re right, he does carry a lot of guilt. Especially over how much we love you. But loving you is also what makes him happy. That’s a difficult position to be in. I’m sure you understand that better than I do. That guilt was building up inside him this whole time, but now he has an excuse to vent it. Yes, there’s probably healthier ways. But it’s Jacob, and this is the way that he’s found that suits his needs. And he’s loyal to you. Almost as loyal as me. He wouldn’t leave you on your own. He’s got too much of a complex for that.”

Joseph watched John. Slowly, he nodded. “I trust your perspective.”

“You should. An objective view is sometimes what’s needed.”

It looked like Joseph was about to argue, or at least protest some bit of what his little brother said, but he stopped and nodded again. “Thank you, John.” 

“I love you, Joseph. I want you to be as happy as possible. Don’t let Jacob dampen you. I do love him too, but I know how he is. He’ll come around on his own. He’s an old dog, you can’t force him into changing.” 

Joseph frowned slightly, “I disapprove of you calling him a dog.”

“An old wolf?”

“I disapprove of that too, but I think he’d take that as a compliment, so I can’t pass judgement.” 

John laughed. He squeezed Joseph’s arm and started to pull his hand away. But he stopped. Instead, he rubbed his brother’s sweaty marked skin. 

“John?” Joseph’s voice was almost flat. The slight rise was only there to show that he was questioning his brother’s intent. 

“You’re spending time with  _ me  _ now, and I’m okay with talking about whatever you want, but it’s only fair that since you’ve been thinking about Jacob and that you brought up Jacob, that I get to talk a bit about me. Isn’t it?”

“Yes, John. It is. But,” Joseph swallowed, leaning down for his cup, “I would rather be inside for that.”

“What?” John yanked his hand away, “Why?”

“I’d feel safer with some privacy.”

John gestured widely, splashing water from his cup, “This  _ is  _ private. There’s no one here. No heretics, no soldiers, just us.”

“Still, John,” Joseph stood, “Are you arguing with me?”

“No. I’m not.”

Joseph stared, clearly waiting for him to append his answer.

“I am questioning, not arguing,” John said, “And I know, I shouldn’t do that either.”

“You may, when I deserve to be questioned. I don’t believe that now is the time. Maybe, when you have spare time alone, you should consider the difference.”

John nodded. “I will. Thank you, Father.”

“Joseph. I’m Joseph right now.”

John nodded again. He watched Joseph steadily stand When his older brother offered a hand to him, the elation that sparked up was far too energetic for something so simple. John swallowed, taking his hand and flashing a smile he didn’t need to force at all. The warmth of his hand made the air around feel absolutely chilling. It wasn’t a cold evening though. Not at all. 

 

It was hard not to throw himself all over his brother the moment Joseph sat down beside him. But John decided long ago that getting ravaged by his brother on a couch was a very immature fantasy that would never happen, and one that he was honestly a little ashamed of. Maybe compared to his other daydreams that were objectively much more degenerate and filthier, usually in concerningly literal ways, it was a bit weird to feel shameless about those and yet ashamed about something so minor. 

Joseph offered his hand out, jarring John from his thoughts. He looked at his older brother in time to see him pull his sunglasses off and set them aside on the coffee table. 

“Another prayer?” John asked.

“No. Later,” Joseph said simply. He gave up on waiting and just grabbed John’s left hand. “I noticed this outside.”

“Noticed what? Oh,” John’s instinct was to pull away, but he stopped himself from doing so. “It’s healed by now. I’m sure.” 

That wasn’t a lie. It’d been so long since he’d cooked anything for his brother that he didn’t need to keep reopening his finger. He wasn’t checking it regularly, nor cleaning it, but it didn’t feel infected. It didn’t hurt as Joseph pulled at the bandage until he could tug it off. 

Just as John expected, it was nearly healed. Not entirely, it was still scabbed, but it didn’t give away how he’d stopped it from healing for months. Joseph breathed out in clear relief. 

“It must have been very deep if it’s only healing now,” he said. 

“It wasn’t. I’ve just,” John paused, “not been taking care of it well. I’ve been busy and things happen. You understand, don’t you?”

Joseph nodded. He swept his thumb over the scab and smiled. “I appreciate you devoting yourself so whole-heartedly. But your health is still a priority.”

“It’s just a cut, Joseph.”

“So was this,” Joseph patted his scarred, well, more-scarred-than-the-other leg, “and yet you and Jacob acted as if I was on my deathbed.” 

John jerked closer, “I thought you were! You nearly bled out!”

“I wouldn’t have died. I already told you. God wouldn’t have let me.”

“Joseph—”

“I wasn’t testing him. I needed to do it. It was necessary. It helped me see. Not entirely, but more than I was seeing before.” Joseph sighed. However he felt about that, it was impossible to tell. But his smile widened. “What did you want to talk about?”

“About me.”

“Yes, I remember. But ‘John’ is a very broad subject.”

“I’d rather be broad than shallow. I meant that you’ve been worrying so much about Jacob, but I want to know what you think about me. Do you worry about me too?”

“I do,” Joseph nodded, “I worry about you quite a lot.”

“In a bad way?”

Joseph hummed quietly. “I do not know. Is there really a difference?”

“Yes. You can worry that I’m doing wrong and going astray, or you can worry for my sake, like about my health or how I’m feeling.”

Another pause filled by only Joseph’s breathy hum. He took John’s hand in his again. “It’s both.”

“Joseph, you still think that I’d ra—”

“No. I know you won’t. You can’t. But I know how you are. I was very worried about you, John. I still am. I’m happy I’m here. You clearly need me right now.”

“I always do. But I don’t want you to think badly of me.”

“I don’t. I said it before, though, I’m at your core. When you take out a central piece, everything ends up falling apart. Like a cornerstone,” Joseph squeezed his hand, “I’m the rock that you’re built upon. Without me, you’re just on sand. Even the slightest breeze would sweep everything you’ve worked for away.”

“You’re making it sound like I’m a burden.”

“Am I?”

“Joseph.”

“I appreciate you, John,” Joseph’s piercing blue gaze met John’s eyes directly. His hand slid up his little brother’s arm to his shoulder and to his neck, fingers clawing around John’s nape. “I owe so much to you. I’m very proud of you for being so strong for so long. Even through the times I’ve neglected you, you devoted yourself.”

“I’m not as strong as you. I’m nowhere as strong as you.”

“That’s okay,” Joseph murmured, soft and low, “I still love you.”

“I love you too, Joseph. I love you so much.”

“What else do you want to talk about?” he said, still quiet.

“I missed you. I thought I was going crazy. All I wanted to do was see you, but I felt like I couldn’t. My head is going everywhere. Everything hits me so hard at once. I didn’t know what to do, so I just kept waiting. Joseph, I missed you so much. Please.”

“I’m here now, John. You did so good.”

“I don’t feel like I did. I want to be with you forever.” 

“You will be. I promise you, John. No matter what it takes, I won’t lose you or Jacob ever again.” Joseph pulled his little brother into a tight hug, his fingers on John’s neck digging in, “Never again.”

John wrapped his arms around Joseph, trying to press his brother against him as much as he could. As relieving and euphoric being held by Joseph in the church was, it couldn’t compare to this. There wasn’t a chance of being seen, there was no sanctity they needed to protect, there wasn’t a boundary they couldn’t cross. It was just them. Joseph flinched a bit when John peppered his neck with sloppy awkward kisses. He didn’t exactly relax, but he let John pull him close again. It didn’t make much sense why he was still getting worked up over something so simple. He’d admitted that he was just as horny as his brothers, what was the point of even fighting it at this point? If he really was worried about indulging too much, well, John preferred that he’d express that  _ after  _ they’d wasted an unhealthy amount of time fucking like rabbits. At least when he moved to Joseph’s mouth, his older brother didn’t just lay there and take it. But he turned away quickly.

“That’s enough for now.”

“Really?”

“Yes. That’s enough.”

“What’s wrong? Is it just because it’s me?”

Joseph sighed, pulling away and putting space between them. His hands were in his lap. “I need time.”

John’s first instinct was to point out that he’d given Joseph  _ plenty  _ of time. But he bit that back. “How much?”

“We agreed to compromise tonight.”

“You promise?”

Joseph glanced at him, full of disappointed judgement. “You need a promise for this?”

“I don’t need one. I’d like one. It’d make me feel better. Please?”

“Fine. I promise.”

John moved closer to him, ignoring Joseph’s effort to stop any contact. “Thank you. Really. I love you.”

“Yes. I know. I love you too.”

“May we still talk about me?”

Joseph laughed, shaking his head. There was no humor in the sound though. Or maybe it was something else that made it sound just not right. John still took it as an affirmative. 

“I want to hear what you like about me.”

“I need to say more?”

“People should be rewarded when they do well, isn’t that right? I want to know what you think about me. Every part of it.”

His older brother’s unwavering stare was as off-putting as his laugh. When the silence drew out, John again wondered if he’d said something wrong. But then Joseph smiled.

“Then I’ll tell you. But only if you help me cook something.”

“Yes! Yes, yes, of course. I’d love to. What do you want? I’ll make anything.”

“We, John.”

“Yes.  _ We _ ’ll make anything.”

Joseph nodded. Whatever strangeness there was before was gone. It was easy for John to shove the thought out of his head. It was Joseph. That was how Joseph was. And if something really bothered him, then he would just say so. Even if he was suffering a little on the inside, well, maybe he didn’t  _ deserve it  _ per se. But it was only fair that he felt a hundredth of how he’d made John feel for so long. 

  
  
  


Watching Joseph eat wasn’t as satisfying as it usually was. Not to say that it wasn’t satisfying. That would be nonsense. John was always happy to serve him in any way. And having Joseph praise him nonstop and even  _ thank  _ him for teaching him how to sear a steak, a quick trick for hollandaise, and stopping him from chopping/burning off his fingers three times, was gratifying as it should be. But as silly as it seemed, John felt like a part of himself was missing. It was ridiculous on account that technically, he had more of himself and it was Joseph who was missing something. 

Joseph noticed him staring. Of course he would. But when he asked John what was wrong, John answered with the next largest irritation.

“Jacob didn’t take care of you.”

“Excuse me?” From Joseph’s cold dry tone, the way his hand tightened around his fork and knife, and how his expression hardened, John knew he’d misunderstood. Which was probably understandable. 

“You’re overgrown.”

Joseph drew back, all aggression falling away into confusion. “I’m sorry?”

“Your,” John gestured toward his own face, “beard. Your hair. That’s up to you, I suppose. But you usually complain when it gets this unruly. And your nails. Joseph, I can tell you’ve been chewing on them again. Did you not have any clippers around? Didn’t Jacob? Knowing him, he would’ve just used a knife, but even that’d be better. Wouldn’t it?”

Joseph set his utensils down. He spread his hands, looking down on them. “I was preoccupied.”

“Jacob didn’t notice?”

“He may have. But at the time, I doubt he thought it’d be appropriate to point out. I don’t believe he thought he had the right.” Joseph brought his fingers back into loose fists. He glanced up to John. “Is it that noticeable?”

“Your nails? To me, but I doubt anyone else did. The hair though, I can’t say the same. But I wouldn’t worry about your image. I’m certain everyone assumed that you were putting your own recovery first. You’ve really healed well,” John turned aside, “Unlike me.”

Joseph tilted his head, just a tad. “Unlike you?”

“Ah, don’t worry about it. You don’t need to spare my feelings. People have already been staring all day. It’s a bit hard to be patient.”

“John, what are you talking about? Your eye? It’s perfectly fine. Is your vision affected? Does it still hurt?”

“No, no, not at all. Like I said, people were staring. They’re lucky you came when you did.”

Joseph frowned. “It’s healed.”

“Joseph—”

“Would I lie?”

John paused. He sighed. “No, Joseph.”

“There. Put it out of your mind,” Joseph reached for his glass. “While I’m here, will you cut my hair?”

“Yes. Yes, of course. You already know that I’d love to.”

“Yes,” Joseph nodded, “I’m quite well aware now.”

He returned to his steak. John watched him, trying to think of some way to reply. But after several moments, his mind was still stuck repeating what Joseph had just said. For some reason, bitter guilt leaked into his mouth. That fact that he’d said it so casually, for some reason, it just made it worse. John didn’t even understand why it bothered him so much. He cleared his throat, setting his cutlery down and wiping his mouth with his cloth napkin.

“Are you finished?” Joseph asked.

“Yes. There’s nothing wrong with it. I’m just done. You did a great job, Joseph. You’re learning very quick.”

“Well,” Joseph smiled, “Much of it is due to you.”

“Thank you. I try.” John forced himself to smile back, but as nice as Joseph’s praise felt, it didn’t alleviate any of the heaviness in his throat. Joseph’s gaze lingered on him for several seconds more than what was necessary, or even comfortable. But just as John was about to insist that he really was finished, or that the whole “trying” thing wasn’t burdensome, his older brother looked away. 

  
  


Joseph held the shears out to John, handle-side first. It was a small courtesy that John genuinely appreciated. Most people in general, but especially their followers, didn’t think about the small details like that. As much as John scolded his men for waving around exposed blades, the vast majority just didn’t seem to get it. Admittedly, there were a few bad days where he’d have someone flogged or partially skinned for doing it wrong, usually under the excuse that, since they nearly shanked him, they clearly didn’t respect him. But if he were to do that consistently, well, the Holland Valley would be constantly be half-filled with semi-cripples. When he saw Jacob’s army though, they were always aware of the little details like that. Granted, it was  _ Jacob’s  _ army. Comparing his people to his brother’s was a bit… naive. 

“The same as always?” John asked, taking the shears. 

“Yes. Would there be a reason not to?” Joseph asked, taking a seat on the chair John dragged into the restroom. 

“No. I’m only asking.”

“You always do and I always answer the same,” he said calmly, not even acknowledging his younger brother unbuttoning his shirt. 

“Yes, it’s to make sure. Maybe one day, you’ll want something shorter. Like me.”

Joseph smiled, “I worry that’d cause some confusion.”

“So what? You have the final say. It’s your bo—” John caught himself, “Your hair, you have the right to do whatever you want.”

“Then how about like Jacob?”

John couldn’t hide his grimace as he pulled Joseph’s shirt down from his shoulders. “I might protest that.”

“Might?”

“Okay. I would absolutely protest.”

That earned a laugh. Joseph patted his brother’s arm, “Don’t worry. I’m only joking.”

“Thank you for clarifying. I can breathe easily now.”

Joseph laughed again. He stilled as John stroked his hair down with his fingers. When his little brother got up to move behind him, he sighed.

“What’s wrong?” John asked.

“Nothing is wrong.  I’m just happy. Savoring the moment. I enjoyed our time together today, John.”

John took a section of hair between his fingers. “Why are you making it sound like you’re leaving?”

“I’m not. I just decided earlier, last night and this morning, that I want to put more effort into openly appreciating my time.”

“Why? I thought there wasn’t any value in this time, at least not until after the Collapse.”

Joseph frowned, “No, there is. There’s value in what we’re doing.”

“Yes, I know, that’s not what I meant.”

“I know. But that’s not what I meant either. Even if there’s no value in God’s eyes, there’s value in mine. I really,” he drifted into a pause as John made the first cuts, “have lost many things. I hate looking back and seeing how I wasted that time. I’ve been so immature. I feel like I never stopped to appreciate what I had. And now so much is gone.”

“Everyone is guilty of that, Joseph. I think you get more of a pass than most considering the Voice. It’s hard to focus on the now when you see the future.”

“No, the Voice means I should be held to a higher standard.”

“Well, you’re meeting those standards.”

Joseph laughed breathily. He started to shake his head, but stopped, probably realizing that was a bad idea. “I’m not, John. But I’m doing better. And I’ll keep trying to do better, for your sake and Jacob’s. And for the sake of everyone in Eden’s Gate, of course.”

“Even Faith?”

“Yes, John, even Faith. She’s a key part of the Project too.”

“All of them, or just the current one?”

“That’s up to God.”

John pulled back to look at his handiwork so far. Well, there was a reason he was a lawyer and not a hairdresser. “Can you take a guess?”

“That’d be wrong. I can only speak for what He tells me. To speak for Him in any other regard would be an affront.”

“I suppose I’ll have to be patient then,” John said, pinching together a new section of hair.

“You shouldn’t resent her. I chose her, after all.”

“I don’t resent her. I haven’t resented any of them. They just need to know their place.” 

“You believe they don’t?”

“Of course they don’t. None of them would step up into that role if they knew how replaceable they were. I understand that it’s not exactly entirely their choice, but if they really understood, they’d at least put up some protest.”

“Would you?”

John laughed lowly. “If I were them, no, I wouldn’t.”

“You wouldn’t die for me?”

The edge of the scissors caught his finger. It was his own fault, but at least he didn’t slam the scissors down on the countertop and start shouting like he’d wanted to. He rushed through the last few snips. When his blood dribbled to the surface, he quickly wiped it on his pants before hurrying back in. Joseph turned. John kept his hand hidden behind his back.

“John, you wouldn’t die for me?”

“Yes, I would! Do you even need to—” John caught himself, “Yes, if you told me to lay my life down, I would. I wouldn’t be happy because I wouldn’t want to leave you, but if it had to be done, then,” he paused again, “I don’t want to die, Joseph. I really don't want to die.”

“I see.”

“But I would.”

“I have faith.”

John swallowed. Both hands were starting to feel cold. He couldn’t feel the sting of his cut anymore. “Joseph, are you going to have me die soon?”

“No,” Joseph looked forward again, “I don’t want you to die either. I don’t want you to leave me.” 

“But you would?”

“I would never ask you to die.” 

“Then why would you ask that? Why are you talking about this?”

Joseph sighed, “John, you’re not viewing things properly again.” 

“I’m not? I’m not. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Okay,” John pulled away, wiping his finger on his pants again as he ran his other hand down Joseph’s hair. There was no denying it was rough. There was a reason he was a lawyer and not a barber. But Joseph always had his hair up anyways, no one would notice. Except maybe Jacob. Still, Jacob wouldn’t say anything, even though he  _ was  _ gay. “Alright. All done. Do you want me to fix your beard now or later?”

“Now.”

“Yes. Okay,” John wiped his hand again. Thankfully, it was already starting to clot. “You’re not too cold? Want me to get you something?”

“No. I’m fine. Please, go ahead.”

The firm turn in Joseph’s voice was subtle, but impossible to miss. John rubbed his hand one last time before stepping around his brother. He kneeled down, meeting him almost face-to-face.

“Same thing? Same as usual?”

“What would offend you the most?”

“I can think of many things. It’s hard to say what would be the worst.”

Joseph smiled, “What would one be?”

“I’m not giving you any ideas.” 

That earned a laugh out of his older brother. John laughed too, shaking his head. He reached forward. When Joseph nodded, he gently set his clean hand along the side of his face, nudging and easing him into a good position. John brushed his fingers through his beard. He slid his hand back. Carefully, he went to work. Years of dealing with himself meant that it wouldn’t be as choppy and blatantly unprofessional as Joseph’s hair. It’d look fine, not bad, certainly not good, definitely not natural, but in a few days, it’d grow out and look the same as ever. 

“John—”

“Don’t talk. Sorry, I mean, please, you shouldn’t talk during this. I don’t want to mess up.” 

Joseph’s expression twitched with something too quick to read. But he didn’t say anything, only watched John unblinkingly. Even though that was standard Joseph, anxiety still dug its claws into his stomach. Hiding it wasn’t an issue. Steadily, he quickly clipped away at the stray sprouts of hair. 

“Alright,” John said, pulling the shears away and brushing his fingers through Joseph’s beard, “All done. Give it a few days before you look too closely.”

“I know.”

“Yes. Of course you do,” John pushed himself up to stand. “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“Leave.” 

John nearly stumbled, but he caught himself. “Hm? What? What did I do wrong? Are you angry at me? What did I do wrong?”

“I’m not angry. I just want privacy while I wash.” 

“You don’t want me to help you? Can I stay? I’d like to stay—”

“John,” Joseph’s voice turned firm again. He sighed. “Forget our conversation earlier. It’s clearly bothered you. I didn’t mean to make you feel so insecure. I love you. I’m doing everything in my power for us all to stay together. That’s all that matters.” 

“I love you too, Joseph, but,” John caught himself. He nodded, “Alright. I’ll wait for you.”

“Don’t only wait.” 

“Then what do you want me to do?”

“Pray. Reflect. Consider everything.” 

John smiled. He didn’t need to force it, he was just relieved. “Yes. Thank you, Joseph, I’ll do that. If you need anything, don’t be afraid to interrupt.” 

“I’m sure that won’t be necessary.” 

“It doesn’t have to be. If you feel like it, then go ahead. It’s not a bother at all. God will understand, right?”

Joseph nodded. He looked away, running his fingers through his hair. That was a good enough signal. John nodded in return, just to reassure himself, and walked out silently.

  
  


Looking over the day’s reports only lasted a few minutes. Less because it was a quick and easy task, more because John just couldn’t concentrate and gave up when even a three-digit string kept being shoved out of his mind by thoughts of his brother. He’d planned to just do what he could in ten or fifteen minutes, then hurry back and act as if he had been praying that whole time. Even though that’d be kind of a lie, it wasn’t like Joseph would ask. If he did for some reason, John would be honest. But if he didn’t, then not telling him, well that wasn’t so bad, right? And it wasn't disobeying him. Even a minute of introspection would be following his orders.

But John gave up and just went back to his bedroom, taking a seat with his hands on his knees. He stared at the floor. If Joseph had bothered to give him some specifications about exactly what he was supposed to be reflecting on, that would’ve been helpful. But maybe leaving his little brother to build and foster anxiety until he went crazy was Joseph’s intention. Definitely not in those words, and certainly nowhere near exact, but maybe something close to that. 

John took a deep breath. He glanced at the cut on his finger. Already, it was almost invisible. He took another deep breath. Now he was getting ridiculous. Joseph would  _ never  _ intentionally torment John like that. He wasn’t that subtle. If he wanted to make John feel guilty or regretful, he’d take a much more active approach. He’d probably just outright say it.

The door opened. John jolted up to his feet. He hadn’t even heard the shower turn off. 

Joseph jerked back, surprised. A moment passed.

“You’re fine,” he said simply, pulling at the robe around his shoulders even though it was already entirely on.

“May I get you something? Anything?”

“Sit. Please.”

John obeyed. When Joseph sat close beside him, he instinctively put his arm around his shoulder. He felt Joseph tighten up, nearly shirk away for a second, but it was gone and he relaxed so quickly that pulling away seemed inappropriate. 

“Am I being presumptuous?” John asked.

“A bit.” 

The edge in his tone made pulling away no longer seem like such a bad idea. John patted his shoulder before moving to just settle his hand on Joseph’s back. His older brother visibly loosened up. Even though Joseph’s words and body language was a bit hurtful, the contact was reassuring enough to compensate. 

“Your voice sounds better.”

Joseph frowned, “It wasn’t fine before?”

“It was! I didn’t mean to imply that. At the time, you sounded all better. Perfectly healed. It’s just that now, I can tell a difference. That’s it.”

His frown didn’t leave. “I see.”

“Are you bothered? Did I say something wrong? You’re fine now. A few more days and it’ll be like nothing ever happened. I can barely see any marks. Even your eyes look better.”

“I know that I am healing. You don’t need to reassure me of that. I only,” Joseph paused before meeting John’s gaze more directly, “I don’t like being reminded of what happened.”

“Oh. Well, I’ve been so worried about you that it’s hard not to focus on that. I’m sorry. Forgive me,” John smiled as he leaned close, “It won’t happen again. No one will talk about this ever again.”

Joseph glanced away, down toward his hands. “Don’t blame Jacob.”

“Why are you still worried about him? You’re with me now.”

“John.”

“How can I not blame him? No, that’s not right. I don’t blame him as a person, I blame his circumstances. I know enough to at least do that.” 

“I don’t want him to blame himself. I don’t want anyone to blame him. I want him to be happy.”

“I want him to be happy too. But it’s Jacob, you can’t expect him to be all smiles and cheer.”

“I don’t expect him to,” Joseph said, his tone growing tight, “That’s not what I’m asking for. I’m not asking for anything. I’m only saying what I want. Am I not allowed to do that? I can’t tell my own brother my own desires?”

“No, Joseph, you can.”

He met John’s gaze again. “Then why do you argue? Why are you trying to make me stop?”

“Because you’re with  _ me  _ right now! Not Jacob!” 

Joseph’s unwavering stare was unreadable. John waited for the inevitable scolding, or for anything really. But he wasn’t expecting Joseph to gently set his hand along John’s face. Nor was he expecting Joseph to gently slide his fingers up to his hair, settling right over his ear. But especially, he wasn’t expecting Joseph to tighten his grip into a vice and wrench the strands. 

Holding back his pained squeal was easy. After his whole life, it was just habit. The way that Joseph still stared, no,  _ glared  _ was infinitely worse. That John wasn’t curling up and having one of his old freakouts testified to how thoroughly Joseph had trained him. He didn’t move, only averting his eyes in a show of submission. Joseph’s grip somehow grew firmer. John winced. He returned his gaze to Joseph’s when his older brother drew close, close enough that his hot wet breath hit John’s skin. 

“Did you even reflect? Did you even think for a moment?” 

“I tried, I—”

“Don’t you care about anyone but yourself? Have I really allowed you to become this selfish under my watch? Have you truly been spoiled this far?” 

“No, Father,” John forced his words steady as befitting a testimony, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I love you, Joseph, I—”

Joseph jerked at his hair, smacking his knuckles into his head. “You are rotten, John. Rotten through and through.”

“I am. I’m sorry, I really,” his voice shook as his eyes started to sting, “ _ really  _ am—”

His grip slackened, “You’re so rotten that you don’t even understand what you did wrong.” Joseph sighed. His hand dragged down to John’s nape. Slowly, he pulled him into a hug, his other arm crossing his little brother’s back. He gently stroked John’s neck. When John started openly crying, Joseph shushed him.

“I’ll teach you by example. You don’t need to understand, but do you know now?”

John swallowed and took a deep breath, trying to steady his voice. “I do.”

“You were doing good, John. You were doing very well. Isn’t that how you want to be? Don’t you want to behave for me?”

“I do, Joseph! I do. I’m sorry. Please, forgive me. I’m so sorry. I’ll do better.” 

Joseph pulled away to come face-to-face with his younger brother. John had to force himself to not look away and hide his teary shameful expression. Despite his actions, Joseph looked calm as ever. He didn’t falter. His stare was unwavering as he steadily leaned in more, pressing his mouth to his brother’s. 

It felt too quick to really be called a kiss. Though John wasn’t really sure how long it lasted. The mental whiplash from Joseph’s actions felt like a blue screen. If it was anywhere else with anyone else, if he were in court, if he were in front of a crowd of doubters, then he’d keep up just fine. There was no arguing that. But Joseph always ruined that. Whether it was intentional or simply his nature, that didn’t change anything. 

“I’m still proud of you,” Joseph murmured.

“You are?”

“Yes. A misstep is to be expected. You didn’t argue. You allowed me to shepherd you back. Just watch yourself. Don’t do it again. Eventually, you’ll understand.” 

John nodded, slight but quick, “I will. I promise.” 

Joseph smiled. He gently wiped John's eyes. “You shouldn’t promise that.” But before John could ask anything, he continued. “Undress.”

It was getting harder and harder to deny that Joseph wasn’t doing at least  _ some  _ of this on purpose. If his intention was just to get John to obey, then disorienting him wasn’t really necessary. If his intention was to get his younger brother to obey without argument or question, then this strategy was pretty smart. At least John had regained enough composure to stop crying. He tugged at his shirt buttons, quickly yanking it off even with Joseph’s arms in the way. Joseph seemed amused, judging by his slight smile and barely squinted eyes. That smile faltered when John got to his belt.

“Joseph,” John started tugging his trousers down, “I thought—” 

“Don’t question me.”

“I’m sorry. Forgive me.”

“I do,” Joseph brought John into another gentle kiss. When he parted, it was only enough for him to speak. “Lay back.” 

John almost said something again. But he swallowed down his confusion and obeyed. Joseph looked over him. Like he was waiting. Or thinking. Eventually, he laid beside his little brother. Though John was fully confident that he’d given Joseph the highest quality robe he’d had, it felt rough and gritty against his skin. When Joseph ran his hand over John’s bare chest, and when he pressed close to kiss him again, the scratching feeling got worse. But it was easy to ignore it when he focused on how nice Joseph felt. 

“Do you deserve this, John?” Joseph murmured. 

“No,” John shook his head, “I don’t.”

“That’s correct. You do not. But,” Joseph stroked his hair, “you can. Do better. For me. No more of this selfishness, this nonsense.”

“Yes. Yes, yes, I’ll change, I promise, yes, I promise, I’ll change.”

“I don’t want you to change. I want you to always be you. Always be my little brother John. But I do want you to be better. Do you understand the difference?”

“I do. I’ll do anything. I promise, Joseph.”

Joseph pressed his mouth to John’s forehead. “I don’t believe you.”

Jerking his hands around Joseph’s robe, John tried to yank him even closer, “I  _ am not  _ lying!” 

“Did I say you were? No. I said you did not understand,” Joseph kissed his brow again, “Do not fear. It’s okay. I’m not angry. It’d be a sin to be angry at you for this. Wrath. Just as we can’t fault those we have never heard the word of our Lord for being astray, I can’t fault you.”

“Don’t—” John stopped, catching the  _ compare me to that _ , that nearly slipped out. “Am I really that low, Joseph?”

“It’s not within my right to judge.”

“Joseph, then—!”

His older brother shushed him. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll show you. Then you will understand. Even if you never will, you’ll stop this.”

“Stop this? Stop  _ this _ ?” John jerked at the robe again, hissing through his clenched teeth, “You said you wouldn’t, you said—”

“Stop your selfishness. Not our relationship. Have some faith in me,” Joseph pushed himself up on his elbow, “Enough of this. You said you wanted to sleep with me. Did that change? Is that why you’re questioning me so much?”

John took a deep breath. He was starting to become more certain that Joseph was wrenching his emotions around on purpose. As much as he didn't want to disobey or disappoint his brother, only an idiot enjoyed being manipulated and thrashed around so blatantly. So he made sure he was calm, or at least had a slight hold of his emotions, before answering. “No. I do. But you said that we wouldn’t.”

Joseph smiled. He stroked his brother’s hair. “I said that we would compromise.”

“Yes. Yes, you did. And yes, I’d like that,” John set his hand over his brother’s, “I’d really like that. Thank you so much, Joseph.”

“Of course.”

"What are we going to do? Can I do something for you?"

Joseph laughed under his breath, shaking his head. "This is for you, John."

"But I like doing things for you too. That makes me happy too."

"John," Joseph's voice turned stern, "This is for you."

"Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Thank you, Joseph."

"I," Joseph glanced away toward the end of the bed. Or, more likely, toward his brother's erection. "am not very skilled at this.”

It was hard to not make a snarky comment about Jacob slacking in his duty as a total faggot and not showing Joseph the ropes in everything sodomy related. But Joseph wouldn't see that as a joke. If he repeated that to Jacob, John was certain he'd never hear the end of it. Well, metaphorically. Jacob wouldn't say anything, he'd just be really petty and glare about it for way too long. So John just smiled and brushed his hand over his brother's warm skin.

"Don't fret about it. Do you want me to tell you if I enjoy it or not?"

Joseph met his eyes again, suddenly intense. "I always want you to tell me that. Promise me that you will."

"I promise."

"Always? You will always tell me?"

"I promise. I swear."

Joseph smiled, "Good. Then,” he reached down, sliding his fingers down into his brother’s pubes. It was stupid to be ashamed of how unruly his hair was, especially when Joseph was… Joseph. Even more so when Joseph’s hand was around his dick. The grip was a bit too tight, his skin was way too dry and painfully rough, and the way that Joseph’s expression was firmly unchanging was nearly as bad as outright disgust. If he was at least open about how he felt, then John could say something. Now though, if John tried, Joseph would just redirect it and blame John’s insecurities. He wouldn't be entirely wrong. That was the worst part.

When Joseph started pulling and groping and whatever other verb applied to his weird clumsy motion, John didn’t need to force any of the high noises coming from his throat. He did play them up a bit, as usual. That was necessary to hide that they were less “cheeky pleasured moans” and more “Wow, that’s really uncomfortable.” But like, well, every other sexual thing they’d done, the unpleasantness was overridden on the sheer account that it was Joseph. And Joseph had chosen to do this! That was the most important part. 

“Joseph,” John tried awkwardly getting his arms around his older brother, “You’re doing so good.”

“No,” his hand stopped, “Don’t say that.”

John pulled back, “Sorry. I’m sorry. Forgive me.”

“Wait. No. There’s no need. This is for you. Saying those things makes you happy. But I don’t want to hear them. I’m still not comfortable hearing them. I don’t know what…” Joseph drifted off, staring aside. 

“I’ll stop. I promise. I’ll stop. I love you so much, Joseph, just being with you makes me happier than anything else. I don’t need to do anything. I’ll do anything you want. Just let me stay with you. That’s all I want.” 

Joseph’s gaze flicked to him, but only for a moment before looking away again. “You say that.”

“You know it’s the truth. Don’t you?”

“Don’t talk to me like that.”

“What? No,” John finally grabbed onto him, though it wasn’t the hug he’d initially wanted and was just more lamely pawing at his arm and chest, “I didn’t mean to make it sound wrong. I don’t understand what I did. How did I say it wrong? I’m sorry, Joseph, please forgive me, but I don’t—”

John nearly bit his tongue when Joseph set his hand against his face. His stomach turned for a second because apparently having the same hand that was just on his dick on his face was a line of too gay that his nerves instinctively didn’t want to cross. Being so frayed already probably didn’t help. His brother staring at him also really didn’t help.

“Joseph?”

“I love you.” 

“I love you too, Joseph! I love you so much!”

Joseph smiled. But it dropped to a frown, then back to a smile. He dragged his fingers through John's beard before kissing him gently. It pushed aside every one of John's thoughts. He forced out another high sound when his older brother wrapped his hand around his dick. Even when he started fumbling with it again, Joseph's kiss remained frustratingly chaste. But John didn’t want to disappoint Joseph again. The most he risked was moving his arms around Joseph into the semi-hug he’d aimed for. Joseph didn’t acknowledge that. So it must not have been offensive.

It was always hard to keep track of time when someone was manhandling your dick, prophet big brother or not, but it felt like hardly a minute had passed before Joseph stopped again. He pulled away and glanced down before letting go of John, shaking out his hand, spreading his fingers, clenching them, and then finally returning his grip. John couldn’t blame him. Jerking off another man was pretty awkward on the wrist. Among other things. And as much as Joseph preached against onanism, and since he was definitely certainly  _ not  _ a hypocrite, he was probably out of practice more than most men. 

“Are you enjoying this?” Joseph asked.

John nodded, “Yes, yes, of course, yes, I am.” 

“I’m not a fool, John.”

“You’re not, but I’m telling the truth! I love you so much, Joseph, of course I am! Because it’s you, that’s why, if it’s you then—”

“Where does it end?” 

“I don’t know, Joseph, does it have to?”

Joseph openly frowned at that. The cold shock of fear and anxiety returned at the sight. When John realized that it wasn’t disappointment or anger on his brother’s expression, but something closer to sadness or even regret, the nervousness turned to flat guilt. Joseph glanced down again. 

“I’m sorry,” John said quickly, “I promised I’d stop saying that kind of stuff and there I go again. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”

“No. You’ve done nothing wrong. It’s my fault.”

“Joseph—”

His older brother shushed him. Joseph didn’t look up or say anything beyond that. John held his breath, well, tried to. The only sounds were some obnoxious bird outside, the rustling of the bedsheets, and the few shuddering breaths that snuck out of John’s throat. Finally, Joseph looked up. He leaned closer, pressing a kiss to John’s forehead.

“I love you,” Joseph murmured.

“I love you too!” 

“You like it wet, don’t you?”

“Huh? What? I don’t,” John stopped, suddenly understanding. Joseph shifting his grip again helped clue him in.  “I, I like you, Joseph.”

“You do. That’s what you told me. Don’t you remember? The first night we spent together? I remember. That’s what you said. I didn’t think anything of it until recently.”

“You,” John swallowed down a groan, trying to steady his excited tone, “you’ve been thinking about me? Like that?” 

Joseph sighed, but it was fond. At least judging by how he laughed under his breath. “You know I worry about you. But that’s not what I said. I haven’t thought about it for a long time. That’s just human. When you’re ashamed and regret something, that’s only human.”

John nodded. 

“But when I was young and ignorant and disgusting, I didn’t care.” 

Before John could say anything, before he could even recover from the shock that his brother would even admit or talk about jerking off as a kid, Joseph shushed him again. 

“I’ve already repented for this. But I confess that I’ve been thinking about it now and I fear that that alone is sinful. Tell me, John, is it?”

“I, I don’t know,” John said. He wasn’t sure if he was being honest or not. In the moment he was. It was kind of hard to focus on morality when your brother was groping you. A weird choked noise escaped from his throat on complete accident. His hand darted down toward Joseph’s wrist on instinct, but he caught himself, latching onto Joseph’s side instead. John whined his name only to be shushed yet again. 

“We should reflect on our sins,” Joseph said, “but when I do, it only fosters more lust. I’ve prayed and prayed, but I’ve found no answers. What should I do, John?”

“Joseph, I—” John bit down on his next few words as he came all over his brother’s hand. As far as orgasms went, it was kind of a let down. Definitely ranked among one of his more disappointing ones. That it was with Joseph was honestly the only thing keeping it from being among the worst. It just wasn’t much and it fizzled out way too quick. A few seconds too late, John realized that he’d been digging his fingers into Joseph with enough force to make his own hand hurt. He splayed his hands out immediately. 

“You’re okay,” Joseph murmured, “Wasn’t that satisfying? Isn’t that what you wanted?”

John nodded quickly. He hesitantly stroked the skin he’d clawed into, feeling the indents from his nails. Joseph pulled away. Without thinking, John grabbed onto him again. 

“Let me wash myself,” Joseph said. He didn’t sound mad or irritated. Not even surprised.

“I’m sorry.”

“No,” his voice turned firm, “Don’t apologize. This is a gift that I’ve chosen to give to you. If you regret that, then that’s spitting in the face of my decision. Was what I’ve done useless? Did you not want this? Don’t you understand? How can I make this clearer to you?”

“It’s clear! I understand! Thank you so much, Joseph, thank you so  _ so  _ much.” 

“Good. If you behave, then this is how it’ll be. I’ll reward you however you want. But you need to behave. No more selfishness, no more tantrums, no more disrespecting Jacob. Do you understand?” 

“Yes. Yes, I do.”

“I just want my brother back.” 

The sickeningly overwhelming anxiety and dread from the past few weeks returned. “What? But, Joseph, I—” 

“Let me wash myself.”

“I’m right here, Joseph! I’m—”

“ _ John. _ Let me go.” 

The dangerous edge in Joseph’s tone was impossible to disobey. John yanked back from his brother. His gut instinct was to curl up and either beg Joseph for forgiveness. Or maybe accuse him of favoritism or threaten to hurt himself or something else along those lines. But those definitely fell under tantrum. Any other argument would also easily qualify as selfish. He just watched as Joseph got up and left the room. Joseph still didn’t seem frustrated. But it was also Joseph. Making any assumptions or predictions about him would be pretty foolish. 

When the sink started, John turned onto his side. It wasn’t technically curling up and pouting, just treading toward that territory. It didn’t make him feel any better. Not even focusing on the fact that Joseph just promised all the sex and affection John ever wanted made him feel any better. It was honestly pretty impressive how Joseph always knew exactly what to say to make John feel like utter dogshit. The water stopped. At the sound of Joseph’s quiet footsteps, John looked over his shoulder. 

Joseph stopped at the bedside. He didn’t say anything, not for several seconds. Until he sighed, “I’m doing this for you.”

“I know,” John said, “Thank you.”

“What do you think I’m talking about right now?”

“Our relationship. Not the brother part.” 

Joseph shook his head, “No. That’s not it. I’m only being strict because I love you. When I punish you and Jacob and everyone else, it’s out of love. But especially you and Jacob. I only want the best for you two. And this is the way to do it, I’m certain now.” 

“Yes, Joseph. I’m sure you’re right. Thank you. I need it. I really do. I know I do. I,” John looked away, “I know something is wrong with me. I don’t feel like there is, not anymore, but I know there is. What am I saying? Of course there is. I fell in love with you.” 

“That’s my fault.”

“Joseph,” John started, but he stopped. Arguing that subject would be useless. He didn’t even know where to stop, even with Joseph’s many explanations. It just didn’t make any sense. 

“You should sleep under the covers,” Joseph said. He pulled off his robe, haphazardly dropping it near the foot of the bed. At least it wasn't the floor. 

“What?”

“I don’t want you to get sick. And I feel a bit cold.” 

“Yes. Right. Yes,” John awkwardly tugged at and scurried under the sheets. There was probably a million easier ways to do it, but he managed. 

Despite what Joseph said, John was still a bit surprised when Joseph laid next to him, set an arm over his chest, and pressed close to him without any hesitation. It made him happy of course. It even helped settle the filthy loathing that filled his chest. Joseph kissed his shoulder and that helped more, at least enough that John could ignore it now. 

“I do love you,” Joseph muttered. 

“I love you too. So much. So  _ so  _ much.” 

“I never thanked you.”

“What?” John looked over his shoulder again. “You don’t need to thank me for anything. I mean, I do appreciate it, but—”

“For that night with Jacob. For being there. I never thanked you.”

“Oh. But I thought you were angry at me for that.”

“No. Never. I already told you I wasn’t. In that moment, I was focused on Jacob. I was worried. Scared. For him, not me. That’s why I acted the way I did. And looking back, it wasn’t,” Joseph paused, “wrong. But it wasn’t fair to you. So thank you. I’m happy you were there.” 

“I’m happy that I was there too. But still, I acted badly too.”

“You did,” Joseph nodded.

“I did mean what I said though.” John couldn’t stop the edge of old bitterness that leaked into his tone.

“I know,” Joseph swept his hand over John’s chest, “I meant what I said too.”

John turned away again, the disgusting feelings coming back. “That’s not fair.” 

“John.”

He sighed, “I’m trying, Joseph. I’m really trying to not be angry right now. I know, okay? There really is something wrong with me.”

“There is. It’s my responsibility though, so I’ll fix you. I promise. I’ll make you and Jacob right again. I promise.” 

“Thank you, Joseph,” John said flatly. If he wasn’t so tired physically and mentally, he might’ve been able to at least pretend like he meant it. 

“I love you, John. Really. I do.” 

John pulled Joseph’s arm off of him. He flipped onto his other side, yanking Joseph into a tight hug before his older brother could react. 

“I love you too. Thank you for letting me stay with you. You’re so kind, Joseph. You’re too kind. You’re too good. I love you.” 

Joseph nodded. He brought his hand up and gently stroked through John’s hair. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO COMMENTED your comments really cheered me up when I was having shitty days and while i'm already committed to this shitshow, seeing your comments boosted that commitment to the thousands i love you all so much I wish you all the happiest holidays
> 
> i am legitimately so sorry for how long this took (smh like five months and not even 100 pages) but yeah, two jobs, school, and work on my own original publication got in the way. I refuse to let this fic die bc 1. sunken cost fallacy and 2. i can't wait to disappoint everyone reading this and 3. i have a lot of fun writing this dogshit so yehaw
> 
> i am 90% sure that the next chapter will not take so long bc one of my jobs which is physical labor is getting transferred to a much less physical labor-y department so hopefully that means more writing time and my own publication is now in actual production so that won't take up my writing time anymore either
> 
> also i want to apolgize if this chap is a totally different quality from the others. it was written over that course of time during lunch breaks and commuting and inbetween working on my own thing aka the perfect recipe for hot shit. also my phone likes changing random words so I had to go back and change every "eye" back from "egg." i dont know how that happened but thank you phone
> 
> MERRY CHRISTMAS I LOVE YOU ALL


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